Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

07 Feb 2018
2 Comments

Confucius Says…


Probably everyone reading this expression, has heard of it at least once in their lifetime.  And while I do not want this post to reflect politics, unfortunately, I have to make the reference and comparison.

In politics, we have what is called a “right wing” or “alt-right”, and we have a “left wing”.  And in between, there is the average right and the average left, and of course, the center.  The three in between at least hear and possibly consider all angles of a conversation before making a decision.  But the extreme positions on the outside, hear only certain details, denying obvious things that would rebut clear falsehoods.  This is the “little knowledge” that I had always heard about.

So, getting away from the politics, how did I finally realize how this works in real life?  A classic example recently occurred here, on “Paul’s Heart”.

The other day, I wrote a tribute to my late brother-in-law, who passed away from Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS).  I wrote about how pumped he would have been if he were still alive to see his favorite football team play, and WIN their first Super Bowl.  And that is where they story should have ended.

Instead, this happened.  And before I explain, I want to qualify something.  My blog is set up to allow comments to be posted on every story.  However, to control “spamming”, I have comments set for me to approve, which after I do determine if “spam” or not, they are published, with one exception.  I have no issue whether a comment is positive or negative in tone.  I have no issue if the comment opposes what I wrote as I believe in the 1st amendment.  But a comment will not get published if it is not factual.

So, I received a comment in my cue, from “Troy”.  And like some others, it was completely inaccurate, and totally missed the point of the post.  In other words, it was meant to attack me as a person and nothing more.  But, the comment is valuable after all because it proves my point and statement above, a little knowledge (or in this case, no knowledge) is a dangerous thing.

Anyhow, “Troy” objected to me writing about Mike.  A little history as I kind of know who “Troy” is, but barely.  I have only met “Troy” twice, and very briefly as “Troy” is a friend of my late brother-in-law’s wife.  “Troy” is one of several who have an opinion on my divorce.  But as the saying goes, “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one”.  As a rule,  I do not discuss issues of my divorce publicly, especially on this blog.  In fact, less than a handful of individuals in my life even know what is happening as I have tried to keep this private.  Here is where the “little knowledge” comes in to play.

“Troy” complained that I had no right to write about my late brother-in-law.  Though the reason given was that I was somehow mean to his family, which could not have been further from the truth as anyone in his family could attest.  Mike was like an older brother to me, a friend to hang out with, and someone to talk to.  So here we have someone, “Troy”, who I have seen only twice briefly, claiming a difficult relationship which not only did not exist, but never witnessed.  And then “Troy” made the pivot… to my divorce.

Again, having only met “Troy” twice before, briefly as in I may have not even said more words than “hello”.  But now “Troy” was going to let me have it about what “Troy” knew and felt about my divorce.  And you notice, just as I mentioned the reference to political beliefs above, I was now seeing it play out on a personal level.  The “little knowledge”.  And I am being honest, I have never even had any conversations about the “why” of the divorce with “Troy”, but from what “Troy” knows, “Troy” feels right and just in letting me have it, even as unfactual as it may have been.

“Troy”, I will respond to your comments anyway.  You have zero, 0, nada, nil, zilch right to ever criticize me as a father.  And you have zero, 0, nada, nil, zilch knowledge of the “why” of the divorce.  So there you have it, “a little knowledge is a terrible thing.”

Again, write your comments as factual and truthful, and no matter how positive or negative towards me, I will publish them.  The problem with the comment by “Troy” is that there was not even one truthful fact.  But here is the truth, “Troy” is not the only one who feels they have a right or stake in my divorce, and yet, are not even a relative at the very least.  And so, like the origin of the opinion, just going to deal with the fart considering where it came from.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
01 Feb 2018
3 Comments

How Can This Story Get Any Worse?


This is Larissa Boyce, 36 years old.  Twenty years earlier, she was sexually assaulted by someone she trusted, that her parents trusted, to treat her in her dreams of participating in gymnastics.    Originally, when I wrote last week (“Defining Insanity”), the number of victims of Larry Nassar, team doctor at Michigan State University, was publicly being stated at over 150.  Today, the number has climbed as high as 265 victims.

Nassar was sentenced severely enough, that he is expected to die in prison.  But sadly, there is going to be yet more court actions as further sentencing is forthcoming.  And that is what has led to the increase in the number of his victims.  In listening to reports, Nassar believed himself to be a “body whisperer” which he probably felt gave him the right to do what he did to all of his victims and that people just did not understand, that is what made his practice work.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

The whole point of my “Defining Insanity” post, was that no matter how extreme these stories get, we still keep ending up going through the same cycle over and over.  Victim makes an allegation.  Victim is discounted, often made to feel as if the problem.  Repeat.  Incidents made public.  Outrage.  Denial of knowledge of the abuse.  Repeated over and over again.

As was reported in Boyce’s case, Boyce, who was one of many children, non MSU students treated on campus, she was made to believe she was the problem.  Denial that Nassar did anything.  Boyce was made to believe that she simply did not understand what was being done to her.  No one would be notified.  This would stay within the four walls of MSU.  People she looked up to in the MSU Youth Gymnastics program had not only let her down.  But by being complicit, over 265 victims are now the latest count.

Defining insanity.  The Catholic Church priest sex scandal.  The sex scandal at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.  These were all major publicized events, and yet, here we are again.  The definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result.

All it would have taken was for not just the first victim to be believed, but even within the first dozen victims if even that many were needed.

I have often found myself wondering about those adults in my childhood, especially teachers in high school, where comments were often made about certain teachers and possible inappropriateness.  Might the rumors have been true, and we were all just led to believe they were not?  Were fellow students being abused, and shamed into secrecy?  Were any of my friends made to think they were the problem?

And then there is the “how” this could happen.  That is an easy one.  It is all about “power”.  Because dreams are so high, yet success limited in numbers, opportunities are far and few.  And that power is held over heads to keep a victim compliant.  To have any success, keep your mouth shut.  And it does not matter what the pursuit in life is.  And this does not happen to just children.  As we are finding out with the “Me Too” movement, it happens to plenty of adults as well, female AND male.

How many is too many before a complaint is taken seriously?  How, with all the publicity, things like this still occur?  How do we keep letting abusers get into positions that enable them to feed their needs to abuse?

As a father of two teenage girls, this is my reality now.  And it should make no difference if I had sons either.  But I would hope, that if anyone would put my daughters in a situation that clearly was unacceptable, that my daughters feel they could trust the adults in their lives, myself, their mother, a teacher, a friend’s parent, as many as it took to deal with the situation.  But to do this, we need to believe their claim right from the beginning.  We cannot afford to be complicit and just blow it off.  Perhaps just even as bad, if we are made aware of such a claim of another child, not even our own, we still have that responsibility to act, even if not our own child.

Of course, there is the risk of the accused perpetrator being an innocent victim themselves of a vicious rumor campaign by mean and vindictive students or adults, retribution for a denial of an opportunity that was sought and denied.  And this has its own consequence as a career can be ruined, and a family destroyed.

But as an average human being, without training in recognizing and dealing with sexual abuse, we are not qualified to make the determination, which is a legitimate accusation, and which is not.

Think about it, and the investigations will reveal just how many people at MSU knew what was happening.  The number is now over 265.  How many people were told, then made the victims to accept the blame?  How many people knew, and then turned their backs?  If the victim count is 265… how many people knew?  And this is just the MSU situation.  There have been so many other institutions rocked by this type of scandal, and there probably will be more.

The question is, do we just keep doing the same thing, over and over again?  It is time to take the first complain seriously, whether our child or not.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation
25 Jan 2018
1 Comment

Defining Insanity – Why Do We Still Do It?


I cannot name the author of the following expression, well, because it is just too confusing.  Rumors attribute to Einstein, Ben Franklin, and others, depending on who you wish to give the credit.  But as argument to who the author is does not change the quote.

“The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting a different result.”

For decades, this is exactly what we, as a society have been doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  School shooting – express shock, pray for victims, forget.  Teen suicide – express shock, deny signs that might have prevented, pray, forget.  A trusted staff member violates children sexually – express shock, deny, forget.  All three of these issues have been in the spotlight recently.  I have written many posts about all of these issues.  Sadly, my posts prove the point about defining insanity.

12 year old Gabriella Green hung herself January 10th of this year.  One fellow teen decided to trash Gabriella on social media with horrific rumors and innuendo.  Devastated, she expressed to another fellow pre-teen, she had tried to kill herself, to which her “friend” told her over a phone call, “just do it.”

Bailey Holt was just 15 years old, before she was killed (along with another 15 year old student) and more than a dozen injured after being shot, in school by a fellow classmate.

I am posting the picture of the judge in the case, as opposed to the 150 victims of a sexual predator, a once trusted staff doctor of several sports programs including Olympic athletes.  During sentencing, which the perpetrator received over 175 years and is not eligible for parole for at least 90 years, the judge expressed, “I just signed your death warrant.”

All three situations, it is the same thing, over and over, and yet we expect different results.  This is insane.  Innocent children are dying, or at the very least, having their lives destroyed, because we cannot come up with anything better than the usual, express shock/pray/move on.

We have to start someone.  Parents need to be in control of their childrens’ social media if they are going to allow their children to be on it.  I am a firm believer in allowing my daughters, who happen to be similar in ages to victims in all three of these situations, to have certain freedoms, but given the atmosphere, and the reluctance of entities we trust with our children to protect our children, I still, as a parent have to be that first line of defense.  I do not believe my daughters to be on social media (actually neither has any interest in it currently), but when they do decide to engage, I want their user name and password.  At least until they are 18 years of age, that is not only my right, but my responsibility.  Gabriella and so many others may have had help to deal with their angst instead of feeling isolated and hopeless.

As for the school shooting, I am tired of the argument from both sides, “need common sense gun control” or denial from our representatives of government or the NRA.  The fact is, neither give a shit that we now have school shootings nearly once every week.  We are supposed to believe that our children will be safe in school.

I graduated in 1983.  Shortly after that, police officers were soon being used in the schools, as well as metal detectors.  As an alumni of one of the first schools outside of a major city to use these options, it was embarrassing.  But seriously, a government that will not do anything, and most school districts more interested in protecting the rights of the bully over the victim, what other options are there?

And how many people knew about this monster, trusted to treat student athletes only to sexually violate them, and did nothing.  Yes, it is a double edge sword.  Yes, the whole “innocent until proven guilty.”  Yes, the whole “turn your back for the good of the program” or “if you want your success, you will stay silent.”  These horrific acts were committed against these children, and those who needed to protect them, turned their backs.  And just who else might have known this was going on and did nothing?

As far as I am concerned, if you know something is a possibility, and you do nothing to voice that concern, you are complicit, allowing the action to commence further.  Just because it has not happened to your child, does not make it okay that you did not speak up.  Again, having two daughters the same age as the victims in all three of these scenarios, this hits real close to home.  I have many friends who have lost children, permanently, witnessed their never ending grief.  And I am sure they would say the same thing, to do nothing is to take their lives, if at the very least, their innocence away.

If you suspect something, address it calmly, rationally, and legally.  At the very least, you put the possible perpetrator on notice.  But to do nothing, someone vile who is actually continuing their abusive acts, will only keep at it.  And that is what would make you complicit.

All three of these situations could have ended differently, but instead, our society keeps doing the same thing, over and over again.  Youth suicides.  School shootings.  Sexual abuse by those in positions we trust – coaches, doctors, clergy, teachers, etc.

It starts with a communication and involvement.  Be involved with your child’s life.  Make sure that your child can come to you and confide in you.  Make sure that your child knows that you will protect them.  And then back that with actions.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics

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