Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

01 Feb 2018
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How Can This Story Get Any Worse?


This is Larissa Boyce, 36 years old.  Twenty years earlier, she was sexually assaulted by someone she trusted, that her parents trusted, to treat her in her dreams of participating in gymnastics.    Originally, when I wrote last week (“Defining Insanity”), the number of victims of Larry Nassar, team doctor at Michigan State University, was publicly being stated at over 150.  Today, the number has climbed as high as 265 victims.

Nassar was sentenced severely enough, that he is expected to die in prison.  But sadly, there is going to be yet more court actions as further sentencing is forthcoming.  And that is what has led to the increase in the number of his victims.  In listening to reports, Nassar believed himself to be a “body whisperer” which he probably felt gave him the right to do what he did to all of his victims and that people just did not understand, that is what made his practice work.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

The whole point of my “Defining Insanity” post, was that no matter how extreme these stories get, we still keep ending up going through the same cycle over and over.  Victim makes an allegation.  Victim is discounted, often made to feel as if the problem.  Repeat.  Incidents made public.  Outrage.  Denial of knowledge of the abuse.  Repeated over and over again.

As was reported in Boyce’s case, Boyce, who was one of many children, non MSU students treated on campus, she was made to believe she was the problem.  Denial that Nassar did anything.  Boyce was made to believe that she simply did not understand what was being done to her.  No one would be notified.  This would stay within the four walls of MSU.  People she looked up to in the MSU Youth Gymnastics program had not only let her down.  But by being complicit, over 265 victims are now the latest count.

Defining insanity.  The Catholic Church priest sex scandal.  The sex scandal at Penn State involving Jerry Sandusky.  These were all major publicized events, and yet, here we are again.  The definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result.

All it would have taken was for not just the first victim to be believed, but even within the first dozen victims if even that many were needed.

I have often found myself wondering about those adults in my childhood, especially teachers in high school, where comments were often made about certain teachers and possible inappropriateness.  Might the rumors have been true, and we were all just led to believe they were not?  Were fellow students being abused, and shamed into secrecy?  Were any of my friends made to think they were the problem?

And then there is the “how” this could happen.  That is an easy one.  It is all about “power”.  Because dreams are so high, yet success limited in numbers, opportunities are far and few.  And that power is held over heads to keep a victim compliant.  To have any success, keep your mouth shut.  And it does not matter what the pursuit in life is.  And this does not happen to just children.  As we are finding out with the “Me Too” movement, it happens to plenty of adults as well, female AND male.

How many is too many before a complaint is taken seriously?  How, with all the publicity, things like this still occur?  How do we keep letting abusers get into positions that enable them to feed their needs to abuse?

As a father of two teenage girls, this is my reality now.  And it should make no difference if I had sons either.  But I would hope, that if anyone would put my daughters in a situation that clearly was unacceptable, that my daughters feel they could trust the adults in their lives, myself, their mother, a teacher, a friend’s parent, as many as it took to deal with the situation.  But to do this, we need to believe their claim right from the beginning.  We cannot afford to be complicit and just blow it off.  Perhaps just even as bad, if we are made aware of such a claim of another child, not even our own, we still have that responsibility to act, even if not our own child.

Of course, there is the risk of the accused perpetrator being an innocent victim themselves of a vicious rumor campaign by mean and vindictive students or adults, retribution for a denial of an opportunity that was sought and denied.  And this has its own consequence as a career can be ruined, and a family destroyed.

But as an average human being, without training in recognizing and dealing with sexual abuse, we are not qualified to make the determination, which is a legitimate accusation, and which is not.

Think about it, and the investigations will reveal just how many people at MSU knew what was happening.  The number is now over 265.  How many people were told, then made the victims to accept the blame?  How many people knew, and then turned their backs?  If the victim count is 265… how many people knew?  And this is just the MSU situation.  There have been so many other institutions rocked by this type of scandal, and there probably will be more.

The question is, do we just keep doing the same thing, over and over again?  It is time to take the first complain seriously, whether our child or not.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation
25 Jan 2018
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Defining Insanity – Why Do We Still Do It?


I cannot name the author of the following expression, well, because it is just too confusing.  Rumors attribute to Einstein, Ben Franklin, and others, depending on who you wish to give the credit.  But as argument to who the author is does not change the quote.

“The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting a different result.”

For decades, this is exactly what we, as a society have been doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  School shooting – express shock, pray for victims, forget.  Teen suicide – express shock, deny signs that might have prevented, pray, forget.  A trusted staff member violates children sexually – express shock, deny, forget.  All three of these issues have been in the spotlight recently.  I have written many posts about all of these issues.  Sadly, my posts prove the point about defining insanity.

12 year old Gabriella Green hung herself January 10th of this year.  One fellow teen decided to trash Gabriella on social media with horrific rumors and innuendo.  Devastated, she expressed to another fellow pre-teen, she had tried to kill herself, to which her “friend” told her over a phone call, “just do it.”

Bailey Holt was just 15 years old, before she was killed (along with another 15 year old student) and more than a dozen injured after being shot, in school by a fellow classmate.

I am posting the picture of the judge in the case, as opposed to the 150 victims of a sexual predator, a once trusted staff doctor of several sports programs including Olympic athletes.  During sentencing, which the perpetrator received over 175 years and is not eligible for parole for at least 90 years, the judge expressed, “I just signed your death warrant.”

All three situations, it is the same thing, over and over, and yet we expect different results.  This is insane.  Innocent children are dying, or at the very least, having their lives destroyed, because we cannot come up with anything better than the usual, express shock/pray/move on.

We have to start someone.  Parents need to be in control of their childrens’ social media if they are going to allow their children to be on it.  I am a firm believer in allowing my daughters, who happen to be similar in ages to victims in all three of these situations, to have certain freedoms, but given the atmosphere, and the reluctance of entities we trust with our children to protect our children, I still, as a parent have to be that first line of defense.  I do not believe my daughters to be on social media (actually neither has any interest in it currently), but when they do decide to engage, I want their user name and password.  At least until they are 18 years of age, that is not only my right, but my responsibility.  Gabriella and so many others may have had help to deal with their angst instead of feeling isolated and hopeless.

As for the school shooting, I am tired of the argument from both sides, “need common sense gun control” or denial from our representatives of government or the NRA.  The fact is, neither give a shit that we now have school shootings nearly once every week.  We are supposed to believe that our children will be safe in school.

I graduated in 1983.  Shortly after that, police officers were soon being used in the schools, as well as metal detectors.  As an alumni of one of the first schools outside of a major city to use these options, it was embarrassing.  But seriously, a government that will not do anything, and most school districts more interested in protecting the rights of the bully over the victim, what other options are there?

And how many people knew about this monster, trusted to treat student athletes only to sexually violate them, and did nothing.  Yes, it is a double edge sword.  Yes, the whole “innocent until proven guilty.”  Yes, the whole “turn your back for the good of the program” or “if you want your success, you will stay silent.”  These horrific acts were committed against these children, and those who needed to protect them, turned their backs.  And just who else might have known this was going on and did nothing?

As far as I am concerned, if you know something is a possibility, and you do nothing to voice that concern, you are complicit, allowing the action to commence further.  Just because it has not happened to your child, does not make it okay that you did not speak up.  Again, having two daughters the same age as the victims in all three of these scenarios, this hits real close to home.  I have many friends who have lost children, permanently, witnessed their never ending grief.  And I am sure they would say the same thing, to do nothing is to take their lives, if at the very least, their innocence away.

If you suspect something, address it calmly, rationally, and legally.  At the very least, you put the possible perpetrator on notice.  But to do nothing, someone vile who is actually continuing their abusive acts, will only keep at it.  And that is what would make you complicit.

All three of these situations could have ended differently, but instead, our society keeps doing the same thing, over and over again.  Youth suicides.  School shootings.  Sexual abuse by those in positions we trust – coaches, doctors, clergy, teachers, etc.

It starts with a communication and involvement.  Be involved with your child’s life.  Make sure that your child can come to you and confide in you.  Make sure that your child knows that you will protect them.  And then back that with actions.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics
08 Dec 2017

Trade Places With Me


My health history is well documented on this blog (much to the chagrin of many).  I have always been open about things because I want to do what I can, to show others, a) they are not alone, b) their issues are real, and c) if possible, how to find help.  But my openness has also been about hopes, as unrealistic as they may be, of catching a break from those who felt it was their place to question my health, as if my health issues personally affected them.  This type of relationship caused much stress over my later years, as some did what they could to eliminate me from their lives by ruining mine.  And this resulted in a lot of stress.  So, I am going to try one more time, and undoubtedly I will “bang my head against a brick wall” again and again and again, because I really believe at some point, everyone will finally “get” it.

I read “double” local news, where I live, and where my children live with their mother (another state).  An all too common situation, which I have experienced as well, was reported on by the local newspaper, The Reporter.  An incident occurred at the King Of Prussia mall when a mother had taken her 7 year old son to see Santa Clause.  Yes, you guessed it, she parked in a handicap spot.

When the mother came back out to the car, a message had been written in lipstick on her window, “UR not handicap.”  Someone who had made it their business to monitor handicap spaces saw an apparently healthy woman and a child climb out of a vehicle parked in a handicap spot, and was not going to let this criminal get away with it.

Here are the facts, as reported by The Reporter, not that it was any of the intrusive and offensive bystander’s business.  The boy has a disease called Batten disease.  He is blind, and “slowly losing his motor skills.  Most children with the disease don’t live to their teen years.”  So there you have it parking lot vigilante.  Great job!  Your judgment made things right because you felt it was your business.

Chances are, nearly everyone has seen someone pull into a handicap spot and wondered, okay, what exactly is their  handicap.  First off, it is none of our business.  But it is the abuse by a few, that we feel compelled to enforce the use of the special parking spots.  We do not have that right.  And on top of that, our intrusiveness can often make a situation worse.  We do not have the authority, or the ability (skills to discover lack of an actual disability), to make someone using a handicap parking space, our business.

I know many people who go through life, “hiding” their disability as best as they can because they do not want to experience scorn, discrimination, or worse, ridicule.  Since my declaration of disability occurred back in 2010, I have experienced my share of the “dirty looks” and abusive comments.  I actually do possess a handicap placard, and it is a permanent one.  You see, my health, albeit gradual, is getting worse every day.  Here comes the argument.  “We all get older and our health goes down hill.”  An accurate statement.  But how many of you have a head start in this process?

As a long term survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I was treated with radiation four times the life time maximum exposure of ionized radiation, and toxic chemotherapy that has caused progressive damage to many parts of my body.  Do not take my word for it.  This was the diagnosis by one of the top doctors at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, where their survivorship clinic follows long term survivors like me.  The date on my birth certificate states that I will turn 52 soon.  In actuality, my body is more similar to that of a 75 year old.

I know, this picture does not look like a 75 year old.  And honestly, it was taken around two years ago.  But because over the years, after viewing people’s expressions when they hear even just some of the health issue I have to deal with, like even as little as one (I have 13 confirmed diagnosis of a major classification – the doctors are not dealing with the lesser issues), I developed an attitude that I need to “hide” my issues from many people, because they simply cannot handle it.

But I do have a permanent handicap placard for my car.  I do not use it often, perhaps maybe 5% of the time that I am out.  There are many factors that determine if I use it from weather, activity, and how I am feeling that day.  But you will never know, because I do not complain to anyone.  Anyone close to me has experienced moments around me, when my issues have been too much for me to handle at a particular moment.

I have learned not to react impulsively by someone ignorant enough to tell me I do not “deserve” to park in a handicap parking space.  First, I realize that the first thing that is driving the busybody is a jealousy that I might have gotten a closer space than they had to park.  I do not like using these spaces myself, but if I do use it, there is a reason.  And I will let you know very graphically if you decided to make it your business.  I am not proud of my method, but I will make sure that you think twice before confronting someone else by pure shock and guilt.

I will start by pulling open my shirt to expose the eight inch scar on my chest and tell you about the open heart surgery I had.  Follow that up with my restrictive lung disease that makes it difficult to breath in certain weather conditions.  That is just the start, because I will unleash every one of my health issues on you.  By the second issue, my lungs, I watch the person cower in shame.  I am not proud of what I have done.  But they started this.  But was it their fault?  They had no idea about my heart or my lungs?  But by the time I am done, they sure as hell know why I am parked in a particular spot, and it is because I have to, not because I want to.  Hey, anytime you want to trade positions with me so that you can park closer?  Let’s do it.

I have many friends with internal issues that qualify them as “disabled” or handicapped.  Those issues are internal!  That means you cannot see them.  Sure, there are people who will abuse the system, but those who actually need the assistance do not deserve or need the added stress from a false accusation.  It makes no difference if a person is climbing down from a monster truck, or off the ramp of a van in a wheel chair.  It is none of your business why someone is using the handicap spot.  And having experienced it first hand, you do not want to know why I have used one.  You most likely will not want to handle it.

I hope that the ignorant ass that scribble on that mother’s window in lipstick at the King Of Prussia mall feels as low as a human can feel, having to climb a ladder to kiss a snake’s behind.  The mother has enough to deal with having a child that will die as a child.  It does not matter if the child does not look the part.

Posted in Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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