Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

My Story, Your Comments, The Future – What It All Means


I have to laugh when I think back to my college English days.  It was my second year, and I had received my first negative comment/grade on something that I had written.  All through high school and the first year of college English, I truly enjoyed  the various projects and topics that I got the opportunity to write.  But then second year English came along and changed that with my very first paper of the semester.  I got ripped apart by my professor.  And it was enough to make me put my pen away.  Every now and then I would pull it out to send something off to a local newspaper if I felt like stirring something up, but that was all.

But then an opportunity came up.  Though I have been involved with the program a couple of years, I am still learning the who’s, what’s and where’s of it.  The hospital that I travel to has a program of creative writing which joins up the writer, usually a cancer patient or survivor, with a writing coach.  And it is that simple, nothing more complicated.  There are opportunities to go further, such as writing articles for its cancer support newsletters and an awesome book called an Anthology which is published annually.  Each chapter published is also written by a patient or survivor of cancer.  And if even luckier, some of those chapters are selected for a live performance by professional performers at special survivor’s event.  I will have my second submission printed in that anthology this year.

I realized then how energized writing was making me again.  And to have a coach assist me in many of my writings gave me a completely different direction.  I made the decision that I wanted to write my own book.  I am still tossing around idea about the topic or topics, fiction or non-fiction.  But I had to do something with everything my brain was pushing out.  A very dear friend to me made the suggestion to put my stories on a blog.  There was some hesitation just because it was an entirely new concept to me, to be extremely public (beyond a local newspaper).

So I took her advice, created several topics which I have a personal interest or advocate for, and then I let my fingers do the walking.  I will do my best to mix up the topics so that no one loses interest, but also, I do not want to overwhelm anyone with many of the serious subjects that I write about, so I will try to mix in some lighter writings.  But it would end there would it not be for all the comments, compliments, recommendations, and constructive criticisms that you all have given me.  I am thankful for the efforts that you support me with by sharing my blog stories and recommending me to your friends.

I have several projects currently under way and I have literally dozens of new posts begun.  “Paul’s Heart” is more though than just some ramblings that escape the pocket between my ears.  It has also provided me with some very much needed self-therapy.  It has personally been amazing to look back on some of the things that I have been through, several which I had long forgot about.  But I am also developing a strong appreciation for the things that I have gone through and where I am today.

Ultimately, I hope that no matter what my story, it provides you with the needed laugh, the welcomed comfort, inspiration and hope when all seems unreachable, and so much more.  I have been so touched by many of the comments I have received as I honestly did not expect the deep sincerity and history of some of the comments.  I thank you for helping me and encouraging me to write about “Paul’s Heart.”

Paul Edelman

The Power Of Pets


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I was going to be starting chemotherapy in less than a couple of weeks.  My plan had been set.  I would leave work an hour early, get my injection, rush home (I had only twenty-five minutes until the next phase), puke, crawl into bed and wait for my wife (now ex) to get home several hours later.  It was a lonely routine.  The solitude served as a constant reminder, that it was just me, that was going to have to get through this cycle, for nine months.  We had always talked about getting a pet, but living in an apartment building we were limited.  I am not really a cat person but the pet policy of the complex did not allow dogs.  Even a cat would require a security deposit for potential damage.  Not even through the first week we realized I needed something to occupy my time.  We went to the local SPCA and adopted a calico kitten which we called Pebbles.

It did not take long for either the kitten or myself to get used to each other, or our routines.  She adapted to using the litter box immediately, so all I had to do for her was make sure that she had water ad lib, and I made sure to feed her in the mornings before I left for work.  On the average day, following work, Pebbles would come darting out of the bedroom racing for the door of the apartment with the click of the lock before I even had the door open.  But on the Fridays that I got my chemotherapy, I arrived home earlier, and I definitely was not as receptive to the kitten’s greeting.  By the time I entered the door, I literally had seconds to get to the bathroom as one of the chemo’s side effects was kicking in, full blown nausea and vomiting.  This would last an hour, leave me completely wiped out, and with every ounce of strength that I had left, crawled into my bed without having stood erect from the toilet.

The kitten was definitely confused by the different routine.  By the middle of my second cycle, on Fridays, Pebbles still greeted me, but from the hallway directly in front of the bathroom.  She sat there as I ran by her, and stayed there.  I would make my way past her, into bed, pulling the covers tightly up to my neck.  And Pebbles followed, climbed up the bedding and layed on my wife’s pillow, staring at me, until she too would fall asleep.  She would stay there until my wife came home.

Animals are known to have great instincts when it comes to their family members not feeling well.  Some pets actually can sense when certain health episodes are going to occur.

Following my divorce and subsequent second marriage (first in my heart), we bought a dog, a golden retriever named Pollo.  Wendy and I have had him since a puppy and thirteen years later, is still a puppy.  He has a great disposition that being left alone for long periods of time while at work, he is still so ever happy to see me at the door, tail wagging, just glad to have me home. 

We had hopes one day of Pollo being trained as a therapy dog.  But the truth is, he was and still is, just too happy, happy being a puppy.  Approaching thirteen years of age, he is still the fun loving, energetic, tail-wagging puppy as when he first came into our house.  He has typical issues, like grass and snow deafness (cannot hear us call him), knows who to sit next to at the dinner table, loves being in the rain, and unusual for a golden, has a horrible sense of smell.  I often refer to him as my “box of rocks”.  But there is one thing that I can never tease him about.  He is loyal to his family.  When one of us does not feel well in the house, that is where you will usually find him lying next to.

Here are some examples.  One fear that I had coming home from having open heart surgery, was the sternotomy (the split breast bone).  Pollo and I are known to play “alpha” often, and we often get carried away.  According to my wife, he just moped around the house while I was in the hospital.  Even my then two-year-old could not cheer him up.  I was certain though that he would jump up on me when I came through the front door.  But as hard as his tail wagged, he never left his front feet.  While I recouped at home the next several weeks, he never left my side.

More recently, I have been having immunity issues with pneumonia.  Twice in the last nine months I have been hospitalized with pneumonia.  The only warning I have had was sudden and severe nausea, and inconveniently in the wee hours of the morning.  Each time disturbing the golden retriever during his golden slumber, and then, I was gone.  Just as with my heart surgery, the boy missed having me around the house.  But then, just before the end of the year, I had another attack.  Unlike the other two times, when my temperature hit over 103.5, this time my temperature was normal, so there was no trip to the emergency room as is my normal protocol.  I just fell back to sleep.

Unusually for me, I slept, a long time.  When I finally did wake up, it was after noon, with my wife sitting next to me.  She was holding her hand on my chest.  Then sticking her finger under my nose.  Then she started pushing around on my neck clearly looking for a pulse.  So I let her off the hook when I realized she was trying to see if I was actually alive.  She has been through this so many times in the last five years with me.  Relieved that my eyes opened, Wendy let me know what time it was and went downstairs.  I looked over to my side of the bed, and there he was.  My box of rocks was lying by my side.

I asked Wendy if she had let him out at all that morning.  She informed me that he never went downstairs even when she and the kids originally woke up.  He had been up with me since 11pm the night before, over thirteen hours, he stayed by my side.  Is it possible that he had seen me twice before go through the routine of vomiting, then disappearing for days, that after this episode, he thought that I would be gone for days again?

The Happy Golden


When we first bought Pollo, he was 8 weeks old, this little ball of energetic blonde  fur.  He was a golden retriever, and from the time he came home, his tail has always wagged.  In the eleven years with Wendy and I, and eight years with our daughters, he has never been want for attention and affection.  All he expected was to be fed, have his stomach rubbed, and occasionally allowed to swim in the pool.  The tail always wagged.  Pollo is the first pet (and I hate to call him that at this point in our lives) that I have had for its entire life.  That tail.  On the other end, is the biggest smile a dog could ever have.  You have probably seen the greeting cards with the animals with the huge bulging eyes and exagerated smiles.  That is Pollo.  Even his groomer refers to Pollo as “the happy golden”, his tail never stops wagging and a grin that never quits.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that our fine furry family member had fallen ill.  Rapidly increasing symptoms gave me just cause to take him into the vet for an emergency visit.  Pollo walked in on his own will, but something was clearly wrong.  He spent the next forty-eight hours there undergoing tests and observation.  I received a call early Sunday morning that his symptoms had cleared up and was good to go home.  It has been a long and emotional weekend, not great company for long distance visitors who came up from Viriginia to spend some time.

An exam room door opened and there was that smile and wagging tail.  He saw me and wants to come home.  And in that same moment, he collapses.  The vet reacts that it must be the slippery floors and he cannot get his footing.  I just wanted to get him home.  I got him outside, and walked him to the grass, collapsing every two or three steps.  The final time, as he lay, a puddle of urine appears from under his belly.  Something is horribly wrong.

We get him back in to the building, and x-rays and bloodwork are ordered.  We are approaching a very unwanted territory, “how much do we afford to go” with not having pet insurance?  Everything is coming back negative, but he cannot stand up.  We made the decision to talk him home.  If anything were to happen, he would die at home.  Over the next several days, we confined him to our den, not having to deal with any steps.  It looked so hopeless.  We had to do everything for him.  Put his feed and water bowl right under his nose.  Standing up without our assistance as a major goal, so far from where we are.  On Tuesday, I call our regular vet for his opinion.  Alright, I was calling him to see if he would consider euthanasia.  Pollo was getting better only barely.  We spoke on the phone for near half an hour,  but not one time did he ever mention putting him down.  “It’s going to take time to recover.”  It was hard to keep him confined to the one room in our house to prevent any further injury by slipping on our hardwood floors.  It was sad just to see him lay there nearly every minute of every day, unable and unwilling to do anything.  And so, from that moment, I put everything into making that dog get well.  I take care of animals for a living.  But now, my skills would be recheaching a value of reward to me that had no reason to be hoped to be seen.

Each day brought a new measure, eating, walking, standing, laying down, get up into a sitting position, lifting himself which he is now doing 75% alone.  I still get to hear his heavy sighs which means you know he is relaxed.  His tail at 12 years old still won’t stop wagging.  He is now trotting across the yard.  I have gotten so much time with my friend, Pollo.  We get to take walks again as he gets excited to see his leash.  I miss him when we go away which fortunately we don’t travel great distances.  To have him at the vet hospital for those few days left a huge hole in our house.

I am so thankful to everyone for offering prayers of hope and recovery, Dr. Wagner and Dr. Alvwerniri.  I am going to be spending yet more time with my “box of rocks”.

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