Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Animals”

Naples…A Tale Of Two Cities


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I moved here in June of 2014 soon after the passing of my father.  My life was in a tailspin juggling my father’s illness, my second divorce, protecting my children from the effects of the divorce, losing my job, and of course, struggling with my own health issues.  There are two main reasons that I chose to move here, one of which I will discuss freely because deciding so was to hopefully remedy several of the issues that I was dealing with.  Southern Florida is in the beginning stages of a major growth economically with several major companies looking to place either home offices or satellite locations here.  It seemed like it was one of the best places to afford me a chance to replace my income and benefits that were necessary for several reasons.

But I have learned that the area of Naples and surrounding areas have two major distinctions of notoriety.  One is quite obvious, the other, not so much.

The first distinction, is a time period called “season.”  In the north, we had four seasons – Summer, Autumn, Winter, and Spring.  In southern Florida, we have “snowbird” season.

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Just as geese can be seen flying south for the winter, human “snow birds” also fly south for the winter.  Snowbirds can arrive as early as October, and stay usually until just after Easter or April.  About the time that the weather warms up back north, so the birds fly back north.  I first heard of this phenomenon with my Uncle Eddie and Aunt Mary who made this annual trek as long as I had known them.

August 1964 - Eddie And Mary Edelman

Up north, the signs are simple that it is time for the “birds” to migrate south.  But for those of us who live here, and this being my first exposure to “season”, we get only one warning, and by then, it is too late.

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As soon as the car carriers begin to arrive, we know that season has begun.  The parade of license plates look more like an automobile “miss America” pageant with nearly every state represented.  Of course, the influx of cars results in a lot more traffic, not just in number of vehicles, but also incidents.

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While the above photos are meant to be humorous, in reality, it is far from it.  While the driving habits of the elderly are probably acceptable back home, when you insert them into traffic more then three times they are used to, combined with poor driving courtesies such as using turn signals, proper breaking distances, and not making a turn from the furthest lane over from the intersection, the areas are subject to a minimum of at least one accident a day.  This is serious.  The fact that driving on the 405 in California or the Schuylkill Expressway in Philadelphia is safer than driving down here during season says a lot.

There are other inconveniences also from longer lines at gas stations, hour long waits for dinner reservations, and forget about going to enjoy anything with the word “free” attached to it.  And so, we locals sit back and wait for the sign, the sign that it is time for the “snowbirds” to migrate back to their homes…

snowbird4  the return of the carriers.

Another population type in the Naples are the singles, and by that divorced or widowed.  Unlike the majority of “snowbirds” who simply are in Naples for their own enjoyment, the divorced and widowed of Naples provide a comfort to new arrivals of the same class.  I have often heard this area described as an “island of misfit toys,” much like in the Christmas classic “Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer.”

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This class of citizen has a personal empathy that provides understanding and support to those who may struggle with their possible new situation.

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I came here alone, with no family or friends, only knowing a handful of people that I had met in prior visits.  There may be opinions about people who have been divorced as being “broken” or “flawed” like the holiday special toys and it is quite the contrary.  And just as the misfit toys support each other, friends down here do the same thing.  I have met a lot of divorced people, and have also met many who have been widowed.  And while I am one of the new people down here, I have been made to feel welcome here, and am offered a lot of emotional support to deal with the various emotional issues that I face every day.  They all have been through it.  Some have gone through more, some have not.  Some have issues still continuing.  Several have long distance relationships with their children just as I do.  The thing is that everyone understands what we all are going through, and there is no judgment.

With those that I have met down here, I know that in time, things will get better.  Most have met my daughters and look forward to their return during the summer again.  This is a good time for my children to visit me because the population is much less without the snowbirds.

But this is my home now, for better or worse.  For me, definitely better.

Dog Reiki Revisted


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I mentioned the other day, about my experiences with an alternative physical therapy called Reiki.  And it was not for me, but for my Golden Retriever Pollo.

Here is the back story on how I became a believer in something that otherwise would never have made sense.  First, let me say that I have been a pet owner, most of my life.  I was a professional animal caretaker for over fifteen years.  So I am very well aware of the traditional means of taking care of our furry loved ones.  Now for Pollo.

Pollo was an interesting Golden, because his personality, while always happy, he often did not have the characteristics of an average Golden Retriever.  He had no ability to retrieve anything, or perhaps had no desire to.  Watching him chase after things often reminded me of the chase scenes between Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.  I often felt that Pollo could not catch his own shadow.  His sense of smell was also very bizarre.

He often did not smell for his food, other dog’s scents.  I would hide treats for him, and again, either he really was not interested in “working” for his snacks, or his sense of smell really was that bad.  But it was a strange habit that Pollo had that often left me frustrated, and it was because of his selective sense of smell.

Pollo loved backyard mushrooms.  Now in Pennsylvania, this is not a good thing.  It is nearly impossible for even humans to distinguish between good mushrooms, and the poisonous types, let alone, for a dog to figure out.  When Pollo was six, 42 in human years, Pollo discovered mushrooms.  I had been out for the evening, and it was going to be late.  So in the middle of my evening, I came home to let Pollo outside to take care of his business.  What I came home to was a huge mess.  Pollo had vomited severely.

But as I only had intended on just letting him outside to go to the bathroom, I had to do a quick clean-up also now to return to my friend’s home.  But if Pollo was not feeling well, I needed to confine him so that there was not a mess all over the house.  I was lucky this time, the clean-up was confined to the solid kitchen floor.

I had confined him to his cage.  Looking back, definitely was not a great idea.  Sure it would minimize any additional clean-up, but instead, the poor guy ended up covered in his own mess.  Which for a long haired dog, meant a bath at 3:30am, including blow drying his fur.  While cleaning up his cage, I discovered the cause of what had been ailing him, a mushroom stem.

I notified the vet immediately about this at 5am, and he informed me that there would probably be no concern, just had to let the mushroom toxicity run its course at this point.  He had been vomiting quite a bit, so the vet was right, it would just have to run its course.

But anyone would common sense would learn from their mistake, and I really do believe Goldens are quite smart, and in spite of me keeping my lawn at “putting green” height to make sure that I could prevent Pollo from eating any more mushrooms, one of only two times he would actually use his sense of smell (the other for sensing when snow would fall), he would still be able to smell the mushrooms under the ground that I could not see.  And so, every year, we would have an incident at least once, when we did not watch Pollo closely enough, he would get ahold of a mushroom.  And we could tell it would be coming because he would get the glossy and watery eyes, and the drool would start pouring, and he was officially getting stoned.  And then of course the same result as every time before… more clean-up.

But three years ago, this habit of Pollo’s almost cost him his life.  Besides the fact that we cannot differentiate the toxic mushrooms from good mushrooms, our babysitter had not been able to follow Pollo as closely while she tended to our daughters.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, Pollo had overdosed on mushrooms, having eaten at least 9 of them.  All the sitter could tell me was that Pollo would not stop vomiting, and it was a lot.  I made the decision to take Pollo to the vet, where they finally got him to settle down as far as vomiting, but they could not figure out what was the cause.

I came back the next day to pick Pollo up from the vet, but something had happened.  When they brought Pollo out to me, he was lame, clearly not how I brought him in and I excitedly told them that something was definitely wrong, not how I brought him in.  They took Pollo in for more studies, which came back inconclusive, and said there was nothing else to be done.

Once at home, I would have to use my professional animal care skills to help Pollo.  He could no longer stand up, stand on his feet, or walk.  Using a towel as a sling, I helped him to maneuver around.  And this went on for weeks, with no improvement.  My mind obviously went to other places, about the possibilities of my fur friend suffering at this point.

And that is when I reached out to my friend Jenny Hughes.  I generally always lean to traditional medicine for things as they are the only things scientifically proven, and admittedly, I can be a cynic at times.  But Jenny had been doing a new kind of pet therapy, Reiki, and when I asked her if she thought she could help Pollo, she was more than willing to do what she could.  It also helps that Jenny is a known animal lover, so I believed in her ability to help Pollo.

Upon Jenny’s arrival into my home, Pollo, who normally would have been barreling through the house to greet anyone entering, just laid on the floor, unable to get up.  Jenny laid down beside him, and started the Reiki therapy.  Within moments, Pollo was fast asleep.  And when she happened to move her hands from the area of his body that were causing him the most trouble, he looked up as if to say “hey, get back to that NOW!”  And she did so, and back out he went.  See the video clip below.

By the time she was done, I had already paid her for a second session piggybacking onto the session right away.  I was pulling out all the stops to save my friend.  It now became “wait and see” what happened.

I knew at least one thing when she finished, he was relaxed, no longer dealing with the stress and frustration, and most likely pain.  But the next day, he had begun to try to sit up on his hind quarters, something I had not seen in weeks.  But because he had not been using his hind legs much in weeks, his back would not support him.  What I had to do was position him into a corner, so that when he would try to sit up, he would have pressure from the corner behind him, holding his hind end in place.  Later that day, after many assisted attempts, he stood up on his own.

The next day he was actually walking, gingerly of course because he was still weak.  But he was walking on his own.  I followed him with the towel under him as a sling, just in case, but he was bearing his full weight on his own.  The next day, he was on his own.

They say that it is difficult to believe in things we cannot see or understand.  But I know this, Jenny saved Pollo where conventional vet medicine was not able to.  Pollo would have a relapse a year later with the lameness, and again, I would call Jenny.  And again, it worked.  I saw it with my own eyes.  And for that, I am forever grateful to Jenny for giving me an additional three years with Pollo that I most likely would never have had.

To see more success stories about Jenny and the many fur faces that she has helped, please visit her Facebook page at “All Creatures Reiki – Alternative & Holistic  Health.”

The Difference Between Knowing And Understanding


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“I know what you are feeling.”

“I know what you are going through.”

“I know what it is like.”

A simple statement capable of setting of an emotional shitstorm of a reaction.  Of course the expression is meant to show someone care and empathy, but instead the result is usually inciting anger and resentment from the recipient.

“You have no idea what I am feeling!”

“You have no idea what I am going through!”

“You have no idea what it is like!”

Understanding

No one, other than the individual involved can have any concept of what is going on can ever have any knowledge of what is happening at that particular time.  We can only see what we see, hear what we hear.  And the rest is up to perception.

illusion

Of course, we mean well when we try to extend out a hand, especially to someone who is going through a difficult time in their life.  But the misunderstandings that are created all because of the misuse of a simple phrase, “I know…” can leave hurt and devastation, often insurmountable to overcome.

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But when we put a little more thought into our well-intended outreach, we show those that we are trying to support, not that we personally know their angst, but we let them know that we understand the problems that they are facing.  I will never be able to know what it is like to have been adopted and being the parent of two adopted children does not give me the ability to know their life experiences.  All that I can do is offer them understanding.

Even in an area that I consider myself well-versed in, the world of cancer, I will never claim to know what another cancer patient is going through because each person going through their own cancer struggle, is unique to their experience.  When I write stories, I never claim to know what every other cancer survivor experiences, even those who have battled the cancer that I dealt with, Hodgkin’s Lyphoma.  Every case is unique.

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And the same goes when it comes to marriage.  I will never claim to know everything about marriage.  I cannot.  My first two marriages, and there will be no more, have only revealed that I entered into both with false expectations that did not seem like a big deal at the time.  But for the most part, I have left the dissolution of both of my marriages between myself and my exes private and between just the two of us.  No one will never know everything that I have been dealing with.

Why is it such a big deal to recognize a difference between “knowing” and “understanding?”  Because “knowing” is personal.  The only one who can truly “know” what is happening, or how it feels, is the one that is experiencing the event.  It is extremely personal and regardless if it is a happy event or tragedy, it is something that only the person experiencing the event can know what it is like.

When a person going through any event, good or bad, reaches out, they are looking for understanding from others.  It is not necessary for someone to hear how bad someone else’s experience was, when the one seeking support is looking for a way to deal with and get through such an event.  A person struggling is not looking to be told to be appreciative that their situation is not as bad as someone else’s situation.  Most often, all that is being sought, is just the ability to vent to someone who will understand what they are going through.

Understanding does not require the tongue to move.  Understanding provides support that is being sought.  “Knowing” implies that the recipient should expect a certain sequence of events which may or may never happen.  And if those events might cause even more trauma than what is currently being experienced, that is not support.  Expression of “knowing” is a form of narcissism.  And the person seeking support usually does not need any more issues placed upon them.

I am far from being a politically correct person, nor do I have a desire to be one, but this is one particular situation that I will agree that it is important to differentiate the difference between “knowing” what someone is going through, and “understanding” what someone is going through.  When someone reaches out, they are not looking to be made to feel worse, they just want to know that someone understands.

I am an adoptive parent.  I have no idea what it is like to be adopted.  I have an understanding of what my children have gone through, and what to expect.  But only each of my daughters will know themselves, and it will only be each of their own experiences.  And their experiences will be different from even the other children that they were adopted with.  They will only know their own experience, but will be able to understand what their travel mates have gone through, as well as anyone else that they meet.

I am a cancer survivor.  I know only what it took for me to get to this point in my life.  But I have an understanding of the struggles that others face from the disease itself, and the many societal issues that come from that battle.  My survival guilt will be different from others.  Everyone’s cancer experience is unique, even when it is the same cancer, same typing, same treatment, same side effects, and so on, the experience will still be unique.  I will never know what someone else is going through, or has gone through when it comes to cancer, but I will be able to understand.

I am an adult child of divorce (ACOD – great movie by the way dealing with issues of children having grown up in a split home).  My experience of having been a child of divorced parents will be different than what my children will experience.  I cannot know what they are going through, but I can definitely understand.

I am a father in the middle of his second divorce.  I do know that the proceedings of my second divorce are far different from my first divorce.  I know what led up to me filing for both.  But only one of my former spouses had any exposure to the procedure of divorce and that was through a sibling’s divorce.  The circumstances that led to both are not unique, one being children, the other money.  And while divorce is not something anyone plans to expect when getting married, is to divorce, the process itself for both, must be kept between the two individuals.  And that will be the difference between my two divorces.  If you look at both of my divorces processes they both began with an act between both of us.  The problem was between both the husband and the wife.  And when dealing with a divorce, it is when outsiders are allowed input, especially those who have no interest or business being involved in the process, and also have no idea the aftermath that occurs with a bitterly-directed revenge-guided divorce, that the whole reason for the divorce ends up not even being dealt with.  Only the two individuals who are involved will ever truly “know” what led to the divorce and how the divorce should end.

Do you understand?

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