The birth of a child, is one of the most beautiful experiences a parent can experience. I am not just talking about the actual “birth” as experienced in a medical facility. I am talking about the “birth” of a child into a family.
For many, biological birthing is not an option to those who wish to be parents. Other options to assist in physically giving birth exist, but for many, not even those methods provide fruitful.
For parents like me, for me to become a parent, adoption was the only option available. One of the chemotherapy drugs used to treat my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was “mustargen”, a derivative of the same mustard gas Saddam Hussein used to kill thousands of his people. The plus side about the drug is that it was critical in curing my cancer. The down side, it also took away my ability to have children.
My only option, if not able to have a significant other give physical birth to my child, yet be able to experience “birth”, was to go through adoption. Once that decision was made, the decision of whether to go international or stay domestic had to be made. I will address what went behind those decisions in a different post. Today, I wanted to make this post about what it was like, to experience the “births” of my daughters.
Both of my daughters were adopted from China. We submitted our dossiers (biological and personality information about us) to China, and the magic happened. Daughters were matched up to us, and we were sent photos along with information about our daughters. Travel needed to be planned to adopt our daughters. You can equate this to all the pre natal appointments.
I can only imagine about the range of emotions and excitement swirling in a delivery room. And other than the physical experiences of giving birth, I am certain what happened next, whether through adoption or giving birth, the feelings of becoming a parent were the same.
All the families who travelled with us were gathered into a main room. Down the hallway, we could hear the cries of our children coming to us, assisted by staff from the orphanage where our daughters were adopted from.
And then it happened, just as a doctor delivering a baby, our daughters were placed into our arms.
It took less than five minutes after Madison was placed in my arms that I knew I wanted to adopt again, and this would bring Emmalie into our lives. Yes, that is how I experienced “birth.”
Not only did I gain two beautiful girls into my life, but so many other people who will always be forever in my heart. There are the “facilitators” that took care of us while we were in China.
And of course, there were nineteen other families that forever will be tied to us for the rest of our lives.
For some, we may never see each other again, but there is a reason that adoptive families are often referred to as “forever” families. Our daughters that were adopted together all share that one bond with each other, the dates of March 14, 2004 and February 6, 2006. Most of the children still see each other to this day, perhaps not in large groups, but by individual visits. And with social media, it makes it even easier for the children to keep in touch with each other as they grow into their teen years.
I want to offer a bit of a disclaimer with this post, because the title makes it look like this is going to be a super negative and depressing post. Quite the contrary, it is going to be a post that is truly inspirational. So please, read this post for what it is truly meant to represent… determination, hope, perseverance, survival.
I am a musician by nature, and most of my internal strength I draw comes from every note that I sing, every tune that I hear, every beat that I feel. I listen to most kinds of music depending on the kind of mood I am in, or the mood I need to be put in.
When it comes to inspirational songs, many find strength through church hymns, and there are plenty. Contemporary songs have such inspirational lyrics by the likes of Josh Groban, Bette Middler, and the late Whitney Houston. But for me, no song sums up my life, no song lifts me up higher, than a song that never really got any kind of airplay, and was pretty much hidden in the Karate Kid 2 soundtrack. But being a true fan of music, I listen to a lot of music that does not make mainstream radio.
I came across this song ironically, during the days when I was diagnosed with cancer. But nearly 25 years later, I still find myself facing struggle after struggle, never giving up. And while I do have loved ones close to me who stand by me, and friends who support me, ultimately, it still falls upon me, to get through my trials. It is a beautiful and powerful song written and recorded by the late Jimi Jamison of Survivor, and recorded by the band of the same name. It is called “A Man Against The World.” You can listen to the song, and view the powerful video at this link:
The music is beautiful. The words… well… read on, and you be the judge if it sums me up and you will see, why I will never give up. It is not in me.
“A Man Against The World”
Survivor
“Have you ever walked alone at night like a man against the world. No one takes your side, a boat against the tide.”
A small child, I was an easy target of bullies. Not just one-on-one, but more often than not, gangs of bullies. People who I thought were friends, stood by and only watched the daily beatings I took. My days in school were not spent learning, but studying how to evade those waiting in ambush for me on school property, and beyond, on my way home. No father around to teach me to defend myself. My family telling me to turn the other cheek or worse, calling the school to report the incidents which I soon learned to no longer speak of them. And of course, school officials telling me to “start standing up for myself.”
“When your faith is shaken you start to break, and you heart can’t find the words, tossed upon the sand I give you a man against the world.”
The first Edelman to graduate from high school, I enrolled in a local college. While studying, I held a full time job and a part time job. A management opportunity was offered to me, leading to me withdrawing from college with less than a semester to go. But it was a career move that was expected to set me up for life. It did not.
“All the people cheer ’til the end is near and the hero takes a fall. Then they’ll drag you through the mud, you’re only flesh and blood.”
I would now officially begin my life simply surviving working in the “working world” with college no longer a consideration. But my work skills instead of being seen as a benefit by my employers, were seen as threats by my co-workers. There were never intentions of replacing anyone’s position by me, but my work ethics were always seen as “getting in their way” or “showing them up.” My reputation became more about my “inability to get along with others.”
“I have walked the path from dark to light and they’ve yet to come to terms. Alone I take my stand, I’m only a man against the world.”
And just when I finally seem to get my world to be what everyone else wants it to be, and all should be good and perfect, I am diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, cancer.
“And love, like a distant reminder it tugs at my shoulder, it calls me home. I shout, can a single voice carry, will I find sanctuary within your arms?”
Following a failed marriage, based on false hopes of a family, I move on to another relationship. Get married. Adopt two beautiful girls. Again, life going great, and another major health issue strikes. Only now it appears far worse news, because it became apparent that the treatments used to save my life, now almost resulted in costing me my life, and from that point on, would discover many other health challenges that I would face.
“Someday when the answer’s clearer, someday when I even the score. You’ll reach and you’ll find me near you, right beside you, forevermore.”
I would much rather forget the last twelve months. Having filed for my second divorce. Having to put my best fur friend Pollo to sleep, after his fourteen years of a healthy and fun life, left him unable to see, hear, and smell, most importantly the loss of his never-ending wagging tail. The loss of a close friend from the same cancer that I had, coincidently at the same age as I was when I dealt with it. The loss of my father after battling lung cancer as defiantly as he possibly could. The loss of my job after 17 years due to corporate downsizing and complications of my health. And because of the violent reactions of certain family members through my marriage, I relocated a great distance away from my daughters, just so that they would not be a witness to the aggression and harassment from those family members towards their father.
“But for now I’ll walk the night alone like a man against the world. A brand new day will shine through the avalanche of time.”
Now in the process of my second divorce, facing all kinds of consequences as a result of domestic court, still searching for employment, and most importantly, anticipating the next time I will ever see my daughters if these situations are not resolved, I am still fighting. I am not giving up.
“Now the road’s grown long, but the spirit’s strong, and the fire within still burns. Alone I take my stand, I give you a man against the world.”
I have the strongest support of my friends both far and near, in physical presence or on-line. I have the love of my family, and my daughters to give me strength. And I have the love of one of the strongest women I will ever know to keep pushing me forward, looking forward to the day that this will all be behind me.
I am typing this, because I truly believe that day will finally come. If I did not believe that, I would have given up a long time ago. Some may see me as an “angry” person. Though really, could you blame me given everything I have been through (there is actually a lot more than I have written, but what I did write is bad enough by itself)? But I have never given up. I fight not because I like to, but because I have to. When I have finally dealt with everything, and corrected everything, and the way that does not sacrifice who I am, those who have stood by me, and most importantly, my daughters will know that I stood tall and survived.
The term “deadbeat dad” is an ugly term. We all know what it is meant to do, infuriate and create judgment against someone most of us do not even know. It is gender specific, though clearly, but not often, the term “deadbeat mom” also does exist. But for the most part, you never hear it used. Wikipedia defines the term “deadbeat dad” “commonly used to refer to men and women who have fathered or mothered a child intentionally fail to pay child support ordered by a family law court or statutory agency.” The operative word here is “intentionally.”
I will admit that I knew the term “deadbeat dad” before I even became a parent. And I will also admit, the anger I would feel knowing that a father was not taking care of his children. For me it was simple, he was not paying, and that was it, he was a “deadbeat dad.” No excuses.
The penalties for not paying child support and spousal support today are quite serious. Just as when I was a child, my father had spent time in jail for failing to pay child support. Again, I want to state as I have in the past, I do not know any of the specifics of my parent’s divorce to this date, nor do I want to. He did not pay support always, and for that, he went to jail. However, this kind of action back then did not carry the ramifications as it does today. Also, the reasons behind a father or mother not being able to pay their support orders are not so simple either. With computers and social media, an arrest record for either parent due to support issues is a death sentence for either parent to be able to provide any kind of income not only for themselves, but for the children.
Again, this is where the operative word “intentionally” comes in. “Intentionally” would have to be, a parent protesting the support award amount and refusing to pay the amount, eliminating the income on purpose (can’t give what you don’t have), or simply not paying it. These are intentional acts. And I agree, whether father or mother, they should be dealt with.
Without going into the details of my divorce, I can easily just sum it up, that it will clearly be one of the most bitter, angry, hateful divorces for the books. We both played a major role in the cause, though clearly she blames me, simply because I filed for the divorce. I “quit” at she put it. The outside interference in our divorce has only enflamed the process and the emotions. I frequently receive hateful voicemails, emails, texts, and also replies to “Paul’s Heart” harassing and threatening me. All under the guise of “free speech” as my estranged wife puts it.
Below are some of the things that have been sent to me:
These were all posts on my Facebook page, as a “message” to me as I have struggled to pay the support award that was ordered. Look at the last sentence, “struggled to pay”. I have been trying to pay the award which due to circumstances beyond my control, have made it difficult, but clearly not “intentional” as someone from my ex-wife’s side is trying to incite.
The unfortunate results of not being able to pay child support orders, for those of us who try to, end up catastrophic, and will ultimately end up hurting the very children the support, as well as the father, is trying to provide. But when you have outside sources, combined with a former spouse who has only revenge on her mind, though the divorce was the fault of both, bottom line it will be the children who suffer the most.
As I said, I am in this unfortunate situation right now. The way the process has worked thus far, we presented our cases to a mediator, the judgment was set, and of course an appeal was made knowing I could not afford the amount that was set. But in the meantime, I was expected to pay the full amount, unfortunately unable to meet that requirement, by no means was it intentional. Corporate downsizing led to the elimination of the hours I worked, which led to the reduction of my salary – NOT MY FAULT. Eventually the downsizing continued leading to the elimination of my position in my department – NOT MY FAULT. I have health restrictions that allowed me to do that job for many years in spite of my many and well-documented severe health issues stemming from my cancer survival – NOT MY FAULT. With the company no longer able to accommodate all of the restrictions I had, leaving work on disability was my only option, though clearly, it would not be enough money to afford the support award which would have absorbed 80% of my net disability income. I had to find another job, that would be able to meet my health restrictions, while paying me the amount of money needed for the support award, and for my survival. The only way I could do this was to separate from the company I had worked for, for seventeen years – NOT MY FAULT.
And so, I have spent the last several months, trying to find employment that would afford the current support award, as well as my living expenses. I presented evidence to show, that I have completed more than 100 legitimate job applications, all which qualified monetarily, and I met the experience requirements, but unfortunately, have not even received more than even a handful of interviews. Without a shadow of a doubt, I have proven I am trying to meet the demands. I am not “intentionally” avoiding the child support order.
However, all the while, waiting for the appeal process to take its course, actions against me have indeed been taken, whether you judge me as an “intentional dead beat dad”, or a dad who is trying as hard as he can. Bank accounts have been frozen, passport seized, notifications from the IRS and the state department of revenue have all been levied against me to force me to pay what I cannot afford currently, though trying to correct. But the next level of this process becomes very serious as I mentioned earlier, if done for spite, will accomplish what my ex wife wants to do, but it will come at an extreme high price to our children.
As I said, I am trying to find work, but the next threat made legally against me, is to suspend my driver’s license, something normally done for someone with traffic issues or DUI’s. But the intent is to make me take the award seriously, which I have acknowledged several times that I do. But face it, with a suspended license, how can I get a job, let alone drive to work? And with no work, there would be no income. How does this resolve anything with someone trying to make good on the situation? Fortunately, I have convinced the enforcement office to delay this action.
But it is going to be the ultimate penalty that I face currently, that will have the biggest, and permanent impact. As the pictures show above, jail is meant to be the ultimate deterrent in forcing payment of support. Again, if it is a “true” “deadbeat dad” who is intentionally not paying the support award, this should be expected. But to the parent who is honestly trying, through no fault of his or her own, and is still trying, to arrest and imprison this parent would not only be unfair, but make it impossible ever, EVER to be able to find a job that would afford that support award.
The consequences go even further, because while imprisoned, there obviously would be no money coming in at all towards the support. More importantly, the health insurance that I have kept going, would also stop, leaving my ex and my children uninsured. And then of course, with an arrest record, it would be impossible for me to find a job any time soon following my release. The only success for my ex wife, is that she succeeds in destroying me.
But for both of us, the price will be much more huge than that. It is bad enough for our daughters to have two parents who can no longer talk to each other. But now they will have a mother who forced the system to throw their father in jail. And of course, I would no longer have rights to see my children for the next ten years until they reached adulthood. I am already being denied any “extra” opportunities to see the children when I travel back to their state for hearings, just because she does not want to allow it. Memories for all of us will never happen, all for vengeance. And she is okay with that. She has made it clear that everything that is happening is my fault. No. We both caused the divorce, I was only the one to file for the divorce first.
I have approximately 37 days now, before I face the serious prospect of being jailed on my birthday, which is also in time for the Christmas holidays when I am also due to see my daughters, to meet the current demands of the court. I continue to apply for jobs, that will meet my health restrictions and afford me a similar salary and needed benefits. But time is running out.
My actions are not “intentional”. I am not a “deadbeat dad” as my ex wife and those around her are encouraging her to have me treated as such.
American Cancer On-Line Resources
Internet support from peers, caregivers, survivors, and professionals in several hundred types of cancers and related issues
American Cancer On-Line Resources
Internet support from peers, caregivers, survivors, and professionals in several hundred types of cancers and related issues
Paul's Heart 