Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

24 Dec 2020

For Some, It Will Take More Than Just Getting Through The Holidays


There will be so many this year, who are struggling not just financially or physically with the holidays this year, but emotionally.  For some, it will be about loss.  For some, it is dealing with a crisis of the unknown.  This situation can be something that we have all experienced at one time or another in our lives, but is amplified this time of year.

I am one of those who has struggled through this season, his entire adult life, and most of his teenage years.  I was fourteen when I experienced the greatest amount of loss during the holidays, three relatives (between both sides of the family), between Christmas and New Years.

And then, there was 1988, when I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, right at the beginning of the holiday season.  To complicate that further, being a Christian, my faith had been put to an extreme test, because the one place that I needed most at that time, I was turned away, because there was no time for me because of the busy time of year in the church.

In the thirty years since, it would be easier to list the years that I did not struggle during this season, because I could do it on one hand.

I am not the only one who has a hard time this time of year.  Every year, chances are there is someone in our life, who has is struggling with a crisis right now, or dealing with a loss for the first time, perhaps even recently.  Struggles and grief are hard enough during the rest of the year, only amplified during the yuletide season.

And then there is 2020.   The extraordinary loss of life, and the disastrous results of the economy are hitting us like never before.  For many of us, we know that is did not have to get this bad.  The reality is, it is this bad.  Loss of jobs, income, an empty spot at the kitchen table, forever.

I have been in the hospital this time of year, both as patient, and as caregiver.  Anyone else who has been in this situation, would agree, we would give anything to not be in that situation, especially during this time of year.

And like many, I have experienced loss during this time of year, getting through the holidays without a loved one, for the first time.

I ask that we all keep those in our thoughts and hearts during this time of year.  By all means, celebrate.  But please remember those who are facing difficulties, or loss for the first time, this season.  Wish good tidings of cheer, but also offer supportive words and gestures to those in need.

That is how we all get through these difficult days.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
23 Dec 2020

Traditions Of Christmas Past


As much angst that overcomes me from November through December, I am still able to find a way to enjoy holidays, and even remember fondly some of my past holidays as well.

Flipping through the television channels, I saw a talk-show host Stephen Colbert interviewing president-elect Joe Biden and his wife.  Being from Pennsylvania, I am more than aware of Biden’s tragic family past.  But at this time, both of the Bidens had huge smiles on their faces.  Joe was clearly telling one of his many “Scranton” tales.

It was about Christmas, and a tradition his family had when he was a child, that also existed in my house.  It did not seem to occur everywhere in Pennsylvania, but seemed more prevalent in a certain area, the northeast of the Commonwealth (Pennsylvania is referred to as a commonwealth, not a state – personally I don’t care about that history).

The Christmas Tree.  In my childhood, just as Biden explained, Santa Claus brought our tree Christmas Eve, to put the presents under.  At least, that was how it was always explained to me.  Biden must have been a problem child, because he explained their delivery of the tree as if it were a sign of being “good” as is the tradition of the “Elf On The Shelf.”  If you were good, you had a tree Christmas morning.

I was not thinking about being good, that was a no-brainer.  Santa just needed to show up with that tree.  It appeared also, that I needed to ask for him to set up the train under the tree each year, if I did not, there was no train.  This routine lasted until I was around ten years old, when the commotion downstairs with the arrival of the tree and Santa woke me up.  I eased my way down the stairway, so as not to get caught, and instead it was them who got caught, my mother and my grandmother.  A quick wave to come downstairs, and I was instructed not to say a word to my sister, all the while not addressing my shock at the discovery something did not exist as I had been led to believe.

In my late twenties, I was in charge of a large youth group at my church, and one of the biggest and most beautiful scenes during this time of year, was Christmas Eve church service.  To add to the wonderful night, the youth group would spend two parts of the day, early in the morning, filling old milk cartons with sand, and then spacing them out among the church property, then returning in the evening to light long-burning candles that often lasted will into the early Christmas morning hours.

This tradition picked up again, this time in my forties, at home.  Our entire neighborhood, of nearly 200 homes, using paper bags, with sand, also lit luminaries on Christmas Eve.  As soon as my daughters were old enough to understand the fun of Christmas, we referred to these as “Santa’s Runway.”

For my daughters, this was our tradition, an actual visit from Santa Claus, until my older daughter discovered “HoHo” (her nickname for Santa), wearing her dad’s shoes.  But each year, my daughters could look out the window, seeing Santa dance on the diving board of our closed swimming pool, and in the morning, wake up to a small present under the Christmas tree in their bedroom, with the rest of the loot downstairs.  I always made sure they left goodies for Santa that he would enjoy.

I am now waiting on the next stage of traditions for my daughters.  There will be college, and with their parents being divorced, they will likely split their break time between their mother and I.

But the next stage, that is going to be fun for sure, will be when my daughters have a family of their own.  A new tradition will begin, either travel for me, or travel for all of them.  And who knows, I may just have the chance to dust off that red suit again.

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
20 Dec 2020
2 Comments

Birthdays, The Day After


In fifty-five years, I have had some interesting birthdays.  Being soon before Christmas, as many will understand this, I did get “shorted” when it came to gifts.

And clearly, the goal was to embarrass me if the gift rationing was not bad enough.  I believe this to be the last photo taken, the time around my birthday and Christmas, before my parents divorced.

In 1974, my birthday had almost turned near tragic.  This is one birthday I remember every detail.  Even it being a Thursday night, which I will get to shortly.  Since my parents divorce, my mother worked second shift, which left the birthday celebrations up to my grandmother and her sister.  A simple tradition, make the requested birthday meal (not to be confused with a last meal), cake, presents, some time to play with the presents, a Christmas special on TV, then off to bed.

Thursday, December 19, 1974, started off the way that all my prior birthdays had begun.  My grandmother made the meal I chose, tuna noodle casserole with sliced hard boiled eggs on top.  She made it with peas that I would pull out and leave on the plate.  At the table, were my grandmother, my aunt, my sister and I.  My uncle was expected to stop by on his way to “bowling night” (that’s how I remember it being a Thursday).  But he was running late.  So, it was just us eating.

Then, my aunt disappeared.  I knew what this meant.  She was going to light my birthday cake, or in this case cupcakes.  I do not recall if I requested it or not, but any kind of cake made from scratch by my aunt was awesome.

Soon, she appeared, with her cardboard tray, carrying my birthday cupcakes and nine candles.  Off went the kitchen light, leaving the kitchen glowing only from the candles.  Happy Birthday was sung by all, singing the same note.  That was okay.  The cupcakes were going to be worth it.  Then I went to blow out the candles.

Just then, my uncle came crashing through the front door.  He was yelling “FIRE!” rushing towards us.  My aunt responded, “yes, right here,” pointing to the candles.  “NO!” he shouted, “FIRE!”  And again my aunt replied with “I know.”

As my uncle rushed towards us, he took a sharp right turn just before getting to the kitchen from the dining room.  Attached to the dining room of this old Pennsylvania “twin” home, was a side porch.  “Older” people were known to use these porches as storage areas, such as keeping a large freezer, keeping beverages cold in the winter, and… stacking newspapers to go to recycling.

My aunt it appears, choosing to light my candles on that side porch, upon striking the match, threw a spark onto a nearby stack of newspapers.  The spark smoldered as she brought my birthday treat into the kitchen, eventually erupting into flames.  My uncle and my aunt were both right.  They both saw a fire.

Luckily, the damage was minimal contained to that side porch.  But the smell in the house, lingered for weeks.  It definitely could have been way worse had my uncle not been late at all, sitting at the table with us all already, or not even had come at all.

Unfortunately, not the most unusual birthday I have experienced.  In general, I don’t like them.  It has nothing to do with getting “older” at all.  As I have mentioned, I do not like this time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This is the time of year that I was not only diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, but have dealt with several crisis.  Also, the season just always seem to have a cloud over it.  It just is not fun for me.

That changed for me when my daughters came along.  It was not for me, but I enjoyed my birthdays for them.  Their innocence always got me through this time.  It is the best feeling in the world to hear your children say “Happy Birthday Daddy” (actually Dad now, a demotion attributed to their maturity).  But the really cool thing is, now they actually remember my birthday without any prompting.

Today, my birthdays are celebrated  even more different.  Now divorced, I get to spend my daughters on video.  And thanks to Covid19, even my birthday meals have changed.  Used to being treated out for my birthday, Covid19 made it necessary to eat in again, the first time since I was a child.  But you know what?  It was a pretty good meal.

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →