Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

13 May 2021

A Birthday Blunder


I recently celebrated the birthdays of both of my daughters. And as I am prone to do, now that they are older, I look for cards that will express my feelings for them.

I came across this card, and I was immediately drawn to it. Its message was simple, watching your daughter have opportunities, growing up with her many talents, and of course supporting the daughter every step of the way. Perfect! A homerun card. This card hit every point that I tell my daughters in person every opportunity that I get.

But… as I am prone to do, in my excitement, I may miss something, such as the further inside of the card. Sure, I saw the words “Happy Birthday.” That was all I saw.

As you can see from the photo, I had to make an edit to the card. Originally, the card did say “mom”, but obviously the card was coming from me, and I really liked the message on the card. And when I went shopping for the card, looking at all the slots, there was no tab saying “from mom” or “from Dad.” But this card was specifically written for a mom to give it.

I have a problem with this. Why could the card not have been given from a Dad? As I said, I say these things to my daughters frequently. And in all honesty, the words can apply from either parent.

This took me back to an incident all the way back to the beginning, when I adopted both of my daughters, in fact, each time.

I changed the diapers of both of my daughters. I fed both daughters. I held and rocked both daughters. I played with and comforted both daughters. I had done all that I not only knew I would do as a Dad, but wanted to do. And I was good at it.

Being adopted, unlike a biological child adapting to its parents right away, there are potential developmental concerns with attachment. I was aware of this as it was explained to me during adoption classes. Fortunately, my employer had offered a type of “maternity” leave, that would allow either parent to remain home, in effort to help acclimate the baby to its new family. It was six months, though unpaid. Because of the unique situation that my then wife and I had, working for the same company, we were told that we could not both take the six months, but, we could split the time, even taking it simultaneously.

So we agreed, that I would take one month, their mother would take the other five months. Besides being severely jetlagged, we felt that even that month, would provide the necessary bonding opportunities between all of us.

Some in the family did not agree with this. I was called selfish, that the mother should have had the full six months to bond with the baby. That it was more important for the mother to bond with a daughter.

Now, I know darn well, if I had made any kind of sexist comment like that, I would hear a chorus of “oinks” for being a male chauvinist pig if I had made a reference to a parenting task only a father was capable of. And it did not sit well with me. Anyone making comments about our adoption process, had no idea the trauma that our daughters had experienced already at such a young age. To make matters worse, to say that one parent was more important than the other, had more value than the other, that just irritated me.

As my daughters have grown, they will both say how important it has been to have both of their parents in their lives, even with them being divorced. Their mother and I are their role models, their examples, their influences.

As happy as I was to have seemingly found the perfect birthday card, once I got home and prepared to sign the card, I had seen what the card maker had done. And it took me back to seventeen years ago when I heard that it was more important, not as important, that the mother bond with the daughters more than the father.

After all of these years, I would strongly disagree, and so would my daughters.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
06 May 2021

Thank You Nurses


Today is National Nurses Day. In fact, the entire week, we honor the caregivers who follow the orders given by the doctors in our care, make sure that we follow those orders, and with all the care in their heart. In fact, for the last year, their career choice has exposed and challenged them to no levels ever expected when the first stepped foot inside of med school.

I often brag of the fact that in my fifty-five years of age, that I have had only three primary care doctors, my current one going on over thirty years. And any specialists I see, I am just as loyal to them. These doctors know me inside and out. I do not have to waste time, reciting my health history every time, because of a new doctor I have to see. The same can be said for the nurses that have cared for me.

I remember nearly every one of my nurses in my adulthood, and most of my childhood. My family doctor nurses, my oncology nurse (an irreplaceable team member for my cancer), and the multiple nurses that have taken care of me during each and every one of my health crisis and surgeries. I remember them all by name, and what they did for me.

Today, many of my friends in my circle are nurses.

The challenges that nurses face, I can only understate, because I truly have no idea what is a part of their average day, only what it took to care for me and my current issue. I know that in the hospital environment, they often worked at minimum, a twelve hour shift, multiple days in a row. I know that regardless if in a clinic or office setting, or in the hospitals, nurses suffer losses of those that they care for, and are needed to continue on with their care for others.

I know that many of these heroes are selfless caregivers, prioritizing their careers over their families. Most, would not do anything else with their lives.

My last interaction with nurses occurred earlier this year, and I had to deal with three of them. All of them were nurses less than three years, two of them, just over a year. Which means, in just their short career, they had to work through one of the worst crisis in over a hundred years. Welcome to nursing.

As I am prone to do, I love to talk to my nurses, because it gives me an opportunity to let them know, that I appreciate everything that they do for me (as a frequent patient especially). All three nurses were young, as I said, but they had no issue sharing their grief and sorrow at the things that they had seen over the last year, not only wishing that things had gone differently, but that others would have taken it more seriously. They did not complain about the exposure risks caring for those who denied the virus as serious. They did their job. But there is not doubt, the impact this crisis has already had on their short careers. They have already seen in one year, suffering and death that most nurses would likely experience in their entire career. And yet, these nurses have no intention of giving up. And that is what makes nurses so special. They have a gift, to care. And they do it well.

I will come across many more nurses in my lifetime of that I am sure. And it will not be just May 6th every year that I make sure that they know that I appreciate them, but every day of the year.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
13 Apr 2021

I’m Actually Starting To Like This


There is not a parent in the world, who does not wish that their children never got old. The innocence of laughter, finding security in knowing the parent is going to be there for them, Little Einsteins.

I am one of those parents who has left three-inch divot skid marks, being dragged into the later years of my daughters childhood, one now actually of adult age. I most certainly miss the days of teaching to ride bikes, riding kiddie rides at amusement parks, watching performances, and of course, helping with homework that I could understand (at least in the first half of their elementary school).

All this is good. I know my responsibility as a parent is to teach them, to be a role model for them, to prepare them for that day that they eventually are out on their own. But I was having so much fun. Now, it is getting serious. They have actually mentioned boys. There are conversations about after high school. The things that I say and do now, are the things that they will remember, not necessarily follow my advice, but I will be in their ears at least.

I have emphasized to my older daughter, the need to register to vote. Of all things that she does as an adult, this is the one thing that will have an impact on her, each year of her life. She was upset that she missed the last presidential race, but looks forward to the next one. But having a father who spend a short period in local politics, this was an opportunity to teach her the importance of local political elections.

While it is hard to conceive that one vote could make a difference in a national election, that one vote can make a difference for sure in a local election. And where my daughters live, there is a very important election this year. And I have told my daughter, her vote will definitely make a difference.

This was also an opportunity for me to teach her, that elections are not just about showing up and casting a vote. As she prepares to register to vote, she already has an idea of where she stands politically, and proudly, the acorn does not fall far from the tree. Anyone who has followed politics over recent years, has likely heard the phrase “disenfranchised voters.” My daughter understands that.

I do not know if she will register with a party or as a non-party, and that is her choice. I will always respect that. But the one thing that I have heard from her that is encouraging, is that she will not tow a party line if there is an issue that she does not support. Good for her, in more ways than one. This means, she is actually going to look at the candidates that she will vote for. She will want to make sure the candidate best meets her values and interests.

Her sister is not far behind, but is still trying to figure out her direction. There is concern on her part, that she does not have a “focused” interest, like many of her friends. Both of my daughters have had their share of participation in recreational activities, as I tried to find their interest and keep it. And it is a parent’s choice, which direction is taken, whether to push forward, in spite of apathy or disinterest, or to allow the child to look into something else. And that is the path that I had taken.

I explained to my daughter, that she should not be discouraged because she has not “found” her interest yet. I explained to her, that it is all about finding the right one. She has no problem with application, she gives 100% whatever she does. But it is about keeping her interest. And then I threw this curve ball at her. That I was the same way, tried all kinds of things, not having one main hobby or interest. It was not until I got into adulthood, that I discovered two things that I truly am passionate about, and one of those came about by fate. Music is 100% in my blood. I have always enjoyed writing and public speaking. And it is since my diagnosis with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that I soon realized this was what was meant to be.

In the meantime, I will keep encouraging her to keep trying anything that has her curiosity. It would not surprise me one bit, ten years from now, she has returned to something she enjoyed in her childhood, and will make it what she wants to enjoy out of life.

I do not have many memories of my childhood to compare them with the adult conversations that I have had with my parents. But you know what? I am really starting to enjoy the more grown up chats with my daughters too. Now if I could just get the one to stop making me squirm with some of the topics (an intentional act on her part).

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Recreation | Leave a comment

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