Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

12 Feb 2022

A Lasting Impression


As my daughters grew up, like many other parents, I wanted them to participate in extra curricular activities. This of course, would impact their social building skills (never a problem there). Different activities would also help them to figure out interests they may have. There are many benefits. In full disclosure, I did not have this exposure or influence growing up. So, to say I was “winging it,” is an understatement.

The foundation of anything I had my daughters participate in, was commitment. If they were to start something, there was going to be a commitment. It did not need to be a permanent one, but I wanted them to know for sure, whether or not an activity was something that they wanted to participate in or not. And that would require time.

I also wanted them to know, that if they chose to participate in something that involved a “team” concept, it was the most important part of being a team player, to be there for their team. The expression, “a chain is only as strong as its weakest link,” not being able to rely on someone to show up makes that person a weak link.

If my daughters were signed up for something with no commitment to period of time, I had them participate for several months at a minimum. If the activity had some sort of time limit, such as a school semester, they rode the entire period out.

My dynamic duo has now reached the next stage of their young lives, and it will require them to take how they were raised, and realize the commitments they are facing as they approach adulthood. As their father, I can make this time period about me, because, I never expected to see this day because of all the serious health issues that I deal with. I have never wanted anything more, than to witness the women they are becoming.

Continued education is in both of their futures, with one standing on the doorstep, the other, lacing up her shoes to get ready to go. One has selected and accepted an offer to college, giving her the opportunity to extend and enhance a gift I believe she was born with. The other, following her sister, is continuing the steps necessary to get accepted to the college that she would like to go to some day.

I have been busy helping both, yes, as a non-custodial parent, it is still my responsibility to do what I am able to help in this process from taking the SAT’s to the process of picking schools. Giving my daughter the credit she deserves, she researched the colleges and schools that she was interested in, and filed the applications and necessary supplements (such as a portfolio) on her own, just the way that I did when I graduated. And she made the decision on her own, ignoring all outside noise, good and bad from opinions of where she should go.

Step one of the process to one of her major commitments in life, no regrets.

(note – I have always loved this line from the movie “We Are The Millers)

I told my daughter that if I could give her only one piece advice, ignoring everything else, make your choice on what is best for you, what will meet your need to reach your dream. In full disclosure, this was advice given to me by a long time friend and former classmate, and Dad in the process of his second child going off to college.

I told her, that if she did not make the decision for herself, by herself, she risked living with regrets on what could have been. When she told me all of her options, I let her know, they were all good choices. Just like a dance studio or karate dojo, she needed to see what each had to offer, options available, and know, that her Dad was going to be “sitting off in the corner” as always, cheering her on in full support. But I told her, this is an ultimate commitment, not just four years at the college, but for what she wants to do the rest of her life. I have no doubt, she is going to be one of the best at what she does.

Her sister is following her footsteps in the process, while pursuing her own directions. Again, never expecting to have made it this far myself, there is still so much more for me to see, and I want to see it all.

Why do I feel like singing “The Circle Of Life” by Elton John right now? Yes, I am one proud Dad. I have two very special reasons to be.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2022

Progress – Not Everything Is Easier


As a patient, no one can appreciate progress more than I do. Treated with some of the most extreme therapies, while I have survived decades, it has come at a cost in late developing side effects. Patients today, are now treated with better and mostly safer methods. As a consumer, it is easy to scratch our heads at all the new gadgets and vehicles and the options and purposes of the newer technologies. I can still recall many years ago, introducing my grandmother to her dishwasher, microwave, and VCR and the frustrations she had getting along in modern times.

As a parent, I have had different experiences that have caused this particular moment of reflection. As the northeast part of the US got walloped with snow, disappointment abounds for students, as this occurred over a weekend, meaning that the conditions would be cleared up enough for the start of school tomorrow. BUT, had this storm’s timing been a bit more perfect, it would have occurred overnight last night, leading to delays and closures for school.

In the old days, okay, when I was a kid, we found out about school closures on the television, watching a “ticker” (a running announcement on the bottom of the screen, now commonly used on many channels for extra content to be displayed). With our television stations located in Philadelphia covering many suburbs, it would mean that there would be a long list of schools to wait for, to see if my school had made the cut. Fortunately, it was in alphabetical order, but with the number of schools, it could be at least ten minutes until the ticker got back to the “A’s” if I did not get to the television quick enough. This was the only way that we found out if we had a delay or cancellation.

But as a parent, now we have the internet, where the school district announces delays and cancellations right at the top of their web site. Wait, there is more. There is also an automated phone system that now contacts families. Need more? Sure. An app that sends a text message directly to the cell phone, all the while everyone continues to sleep, just in case there will be extra time to get some shut-eye. No more waking up an hour early just to watch the television, possibly to be disappointed in no delay at all of school. Geesh, I wish I had studied the night before.

Nowhere have a seen more progress though, through the eyes of a parent, than that of dealing with school procedures and future planning. Just as a reminder. The microwave, heats up food quicker. The VCR, lets you see television shows while you are away. GPS has saved so many trees no longer needing 50 pages of Mapquest to navigate vacations.

But as I have learned with my daughters, some progress might actually make things more complicated, at least that is, as the Progressive insurance commercial says, “we become our parents.”

The first taste I got of this newer process was as soon as my daughters entered middle school. I no longer remember the name of the app used to enter class selections because that app is no longer used, and now there are at least three more applications that students must use. Here it comes, “why back in my day, we got a booklet with all the course descriptions, and we wrote down what we wanted, then handed the paper in.” Yep, became my parents.

The app being used, actually follows the student their whole middle and high school years, and actually keeps a tabulation on the number of credits necessary to complete their education.

Whereas I had a guidance counselor that was there to help lead me in my future path, there is an app that has you complete surveys and questionaires that now pick your best choices for vocations, so that you can pick the best education path to achieve that goal. Not sold on how accurate this method is given how fickle teenage minds can be.

Don’t get me started on the additional standardized testing by individual states. In my former state, there were actually two, that provided requirements of certain scores and status, in order to graduate. Me, just had to pass the final exam. Sure, I took the SAT’s. But those were not required to graduate.

Another app gives grades and sends out school announcements, and most importantly, processes that need to be taken care of in junior and senior years, in order to meet graduation requirements.

Okay, this is one thing that is definitely a great advancement, the college application process. There are apps for both the college boards which aid in the application process, from submitting SAT scores to the application itself. Back in the day, we actually had to submit an application, along with an essay, through the mail to the school. Today, an app allows you to simply just “add” other colleges to just one application attempt (as long as the college participates), aaaaaaaannnndddd, allows you to even submit the same essay. Kids today, so spoiled.

As I enter this next chapter with my daughters, I often find myself scratching my head, trying to keep up with the newer technologies that my daughters have no problem following. One thing I do know, as this process goes on, I am actually seeing one step further and the progress as they approach the next chapter of their lives.

Then the hard part really begins, letting go.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
19 Dec 2021

What’s In A Number?


This is a boring meme that showed up across social media in recent weeks. I do not usually reply to these things, especially the ones that pretty much end up being password related. But admittedly, this one did kind of have me curious.

I am recognizing a birthday today. I do not celebrate them anymore, I just let them happen. I prefer no fanfare. The truth is, I consider myself lucky to still be here considering everything that my body has been through, due to the treatments that saved my life from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma over 32 years ago.

But I decided to give this one a go, just as a lighter post. Of course, when the meme came out, as I was at the age of 55, flipping the numbers did nothing. I remained 55 years old. Boring. And now I am heading into the upper half of my fifties. To be honest, nothing would thrill me more than to be on the lower half of this decade of my life, to get another crack during those times. I thought it would be interesting to reflect back on those younger decades.

I will skip my 5th year of birth, as I know there was nothing remarkable about my first year in school as a kindergartener, except that I was small, and some remark “oh how cute!”. Apparently, I was also a blonde.

At 15, I switched high schools. While it was somewhat intimidating, the opportunities given to me at my new school, allowed my life to take much different paths than what I had been going previously and I definitely do not think things would have turned out better. I will always remember the new friends that came into my life, as I am still friends with them today, more than forty years later.

At 25, I was beginning my life as a cancer survivor. That year was filled with constant fears of my cancer coming back. Wanting to move forward with my life, I got married to my fiance who had stood by me during my battle with what was called back then, Hodgkin’s Disease. I had resumed working. I was ready to get back to some sort of normalcy.

Age 35 was a transition year for me. My first marriage had ended, devastating as I had so much wanted to have a family, and this would likely reduce the chances of that happening. (spoiler alert – a second marriage not in my “five” years, I would end up blessed with two amazing daughters)

I experienced my first and so far, my only kidney stone at age 45. I had been put on a calcium supplement to deal with one of the late side effects from my cancer treatments, for a diagnosis of osteopenia and facet joint arthritis in my lower back. This was discovered during a medical work up for long term cancer survivor health issues, discovered in 2008, when I had to have emergency open heart surgery (see “CABG – Not Just A Green Leafy Vegetable). And yes, the pain of that large kidney stone, was worse pain than that of my open heart surgery.

55 is an interesting year as it has been somewhat uneventful, well, perhaps better described as par for the course as I dealt with two more issues related to my treatments. But, as usual, I have gotten through both.

Aside from that, 55 has a much darker cloud looming over it. On my father’s side of the family, longevity is not in our genes. Of my father and his four siblings, only he and his one brother lived past 55, both making it to 70. Ironically, as my father lay dying from lung cancer, he actually said, “all I want to do is make it to 70,” and he did, just like his brother. But the other siblings, and his mother passed away in their late 40’s and early 50’s. This alone rents enough space in my head as I have hit this milestone of 55, and then, factor in all the trauma my body has gone through health wise since 2008, a lot. I do not have good longevity odds.

So yes, I recognize my birthday each year. It is hard to celebrate, when I know the odds of a next birthday get harder and harder.

As I turn 56, let’s flip that number. I would be 65. Why is this number significant to me, besides approaching retirement age? Besides being only the third in the last three generations to reach this age, there is a bigger plan. And it is this plan that drives me. I want to get to age 65.

My doctors who care for the multiple health issues from my treatments concede that they cannot reverse what is happening to my body, and they cannot stop them. There are some issues that can be slowed down, and some that can be repaired, albeit temporarily (needing to be fixed again later on). But knowing about these issues, is half the battle. Dealing with them is the other half of the plan. And that plan is this. I want to see my daughters grow into adulthood. I want to attend my daughters high school graduations. If my daughters choose to go to college, I want to witness their graduations. If my daughters choose to get married, I want to walk my daughters down the aisles. And my final wish, would be to hear the name “grandpa” or whatever my daughters would have their children refer to me as. This promise had been made to me over 13 years ago, and I now have one daughter graduating from high school this year, and the other next year. If I have my way, and keep my attitude, my 65th year will be my greatest.

In all honestly, I do not expect to see 75 or 85, definitely not 95, whether genetics or cancer survivorship issues. But I seriously want to get to 65. It is not going to be easy as I know I will see at the least, several more surgeries, and likely additional diagnosis. I am okay with that as I am living each day, the best that I can, no regrets.

This was a hell of a writing prompt my writing coach would have been proud of. I miss having her weekly prompts. This was fun.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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