I am of Native American heritage. So I receive news, posts, adages, and stories related to history, elders, and of course memes. The other day, I received a post called “A Father’s Responsibility”, written by Levi Blackwolf. While divorcing my daughters’ mother was not part of the plan of my fatherhood, I did all that I could to make sure that I maintained my responsibilities to my daughters. Being an adult child of a divorce, I knew all too well, what giving anything less than 100% as a father, divorced or not would feel like to them, because I went through it as a child myself with my father. And I did not want the same for them. But no doubt, as Blackwolf stated, the moment my daughters were placed in my arms, I knew the responsibility that I had, for the rest of my life.
I have always provided for my daughters. And even during the divorce process, my daughters never “wanted” for anything. Things may not have always been smooth, and issues may not necessarily have resolved as some would have liked, but I do not feel my daughters were aware of any struggles. Things that my daughters were always shown from day one, were security, trust, and of course love. Because of that, they had no reason to ever doubt that things would always work out.
I have read somewhere that a parent spends 87% of their time with their child by the time that child turns eighteen, taking into account daycare and school. With both of my daughters now adult age, and on their own, I have gone from frequent time with them, to visits maybe two or three times a year, and a couple of phone calls a week. We went from watching Disney movies and playing games, to me now helping them to make major decisions that will impact the rest of their lives. Again, as Blackwolf said, it is important for them to know what is important to me, so that they develop the same value of importance.
Unlike my childhood, and I do not fault my parents and grandparents, my daughters know how much they mean to me and how much I love them, because I tell them every conversation that we have. I did not have this growing up myself, only because that is just how it was back then. But I know how much it had an impact on me. And I did not want that for my daughters.
Of course, being a divorced family, number four is critical. Again, speaking as an adult child of divorce, I know that things that I overheard, and the effects it had on my respecting either of my parents. And I guarantee, that my daughters have never heard me say anything negative or non-supportive of their mother. I defended myself against comments when necessary, but I never offered anything other than encouragement and support for them with their mother.
I wanted to, and still strive to be their role model. I have shown them as best as I can what character and reputation are worth. I made sure that they understood decisions that they made can either come with awards or consequences. In either case, no matter how any situation works out, move on.
Whether under the same roof, or from a distance, my daughters know I am always “there” for them. I can admit, I jump literally with any text, phone call, or Facetime opportunity. I know that they know they can count on me.
Their heritage obviously different from mine, is very important to all of us. And although traditions and customs were not as immersive as I would have liked, they have the foundation.
I may not have had the textbook example of parenthood to look up to, but if I follow the wise words of Blackwolf, I can say without a doubt, that I have followed all of those tenets. Only time will tell, when the results of my commitment are revealed.
Up until a couple of years ago, there was a popular game that teens played among each other, as my daughters often challenged me to the game. It was an interesting concept, though I disagree with the one premise, the game did provide something valuable, an opportunity to learn about an each other. It was called “two truths and a lie.” This game is considered an “ice breaker” or conversation starter, and found not only in schools, but also in media such as Parade Magazine, even the Ellen DeGeneres show. You simply state three things, but two of those must be the truth, and the third must be a lie.
As a parent, I thought I had a pretty good edge with my daughters in this game, clearly knowing more about them than they themselves. It turns out that they were pretty good at finding things to tell me that I might be unaware of, one of the favorite topics, food choices. My youngest daughter was real good at getting me on that one.
So with that explanation, these are two of my truths, and one of the myths (I prefer to use myth as opposed to a lie because this is not something I say or believe, but rather what others believe.
I love to attract drama.
I am a shy person.
I am a private person.
Now if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, it might actually be difficult to tell. But the fact is, two of these things are actually true about me, while the third, is more of a manifestation or a means for someone to justify how they feel about me as a person.
This first one really baffles me.
I have been told by a few people, that I “love to attract drama.” While I have had my share of intense events in my life, I certainly have never gone looking for them. When I ask for examples of the drama they refer to, I hear crickets chirp. I guess they must be comparing their lives to mine as far as things going on. They must be fortunate not to have anything nipping at their heels constantly. And for that, they feel I must go looking for trouble. I don’t.
I will admit however, that I have an unusually calm demeanor in dealing with crisis after crisis. But do I go looking for drama? Absolutely not. This is just one misconception that some people have expressed to me. I can say for certain, that when I face a crisis, I have a defense mechanism that kicks in, removing all emotions, allowing me to think rationally, recognizing that any kind of escalation in my emotions would likely make the situation worse. And so, I do not make it worse. I simply give myself time to think things out clearly and with direction. Ironically, I am a horrible chess player, but in life, I am able to think several steps ahead. But I definitely do not need to add anything more to my schedule demanding more attention of me.
I really do consider myself a shy person. Merriam-Webster defines “shy” as “timid, tendency to avoid, hesitant, or reserved.” Though I express myself through writing, speaking, and other performances, it is the individual one-on-one conversations that I can struggle with.
Through my school days, I kept to myself, often intimidated by the friendships that others had amongst themselves. Constantly moving during my school days did not help me to establish new friendships, only to move again as soon as I would finally get comfortable. As a co-worker, after some time and effort, I found myself being able to interact with moderate comfort. But really? Anywhere that I had a boundary, physical or mental, between me and someone else, is when I felt my most confident and functional. That became obvious as a radio disc jockey in my younger days, in a closed soundproofed room, broadcasting on the radio, no one looking directly at me. Recently, I had a former classmate call me out on social media following a post response which I considered quite neutral and factual, them stating aggressively and actually quite meanly, that I was still the same as I was in high school, still a “&(%*%” (fill in with any derogatory remark). Before I blocked any further access to me from them, I did make sure that those on that particular page were aware, that while I recognized the name, I never knew this person. I literally basically “hung” with maybe a handful of close friends in school. This person and I had never crossed paths because I was so shy.
But my biggest challenge came when I decided to run for a public office, our local school board. I did not prepare myself mentally, that campaigning was more than just saying “I’m running for school board.” I knew that I would have to give speeches, which I was okay with, because there would be separation between me and the audience. My problem came, when my campaign wanted me to attend “meet and greets” (candidates get the chance to mingle among the voters individually), and I was petrified. As a slate of five candidates, running for the five open slots against the five incumbents, I felt invincible. I had others behind me able to bail me out of any situation that I was getting boxed into. Not being a “politician”, I was not prepared for stumbling blocks that could be thrown at me. While I am a big “eye contact” person when I talk to someone, I found this to be a big problem when the eye contact was not returned.
After all of the speeches I have given, articles and stories that I have written, and other performances, I know that I can handle myself in public situations, but I still consider myself a shy person. This is a major challenge for someone trying to promote a book.
I am actually a very private person. I can hear the “I call bullshit” on this one from many. But I really am a private person, or at least, I want to be. And up until my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I definitely can affirm that I was a private person. There is one thing that prevents me from that privacy that I make the choice to live by.
When I finished my treatments, I promised myself that I wanted to give back for the gift of life that I had been given. But as many cancer survivors know, because of treatments, I do not have the option of some of the more popular things I could do, such as give blood or donate organs. I wanted to help. I wanted to inspire. I want to give hope. To do this, that means I have to “share” my experiences, and if you have followed “Paul’s Heart” long enough, I am really quite transparent, some times to my own detriment. This advocacy that flows through my blood, would branch out to other issues such as patient care, cancer survivorship, adoption, public education, and of course, divorce related issues in regard to children. If I were not in the position I am in today, I would definitely prefer to going back to being a private person.
I am going to throw in a bonus truth. In spite of all of the difficult things that I have faced in my life, and continue to deal with, I really am a positive person. Sure, my cancer history, my divorces, and several other things that I have faced, are quite the downers. But I persevere. I come through every time, because I believe I will. All too often, many have counted me out, actually, they depended on me tapping out and quitting. But I don’t. Yes, I have many health issues that consume my attention. Of course, I missed being with my daughters during the divorce period as much as I was prior to the divorce. There are many things that I deal with as an advocate, and yes, they are difficult. But that does not make me a negative person because I make a choice, to deal with everything head on and to support others. I truly believe that things work out the way that they are intended to work out. And as long as I wake up tomorrow to do it all again, that sounds pretty positive to me.
Country singer/actor Toby Keith passed away last week from complications of stomach cancer at the age of 62. In watching interviews with him where he talked about his cancer, he never stopped wanting to fight, and wanted nothing more than to beat his cancer. Keith stated that he did not want cancer to define him. But in his three year absence from performing, Keith found out, what many cancer patients find out during and after their battles, while cancer may not define you, there is no going back to the normal life you used to know before cancer. Instead, you face what is referred to as a “new normal.”
Many musicians have what is called “muscle memory.” This simply means for instance, the fingers do not forget how to play the guitar, or the vocal chords sing the notes. And though it had been some time since Keith had performed, he was confident that he could do both, in spite of the length of time since his last performance. But there would be one difference, a big difference.
Now, I am going to make my late Father proud, because he never knew me to be a fan of country music. While I appreciate most genres of music, country was not one that I paid a lot of attention to, though I did know some country artists and songs. But I soon found out, that I could sing country, as many male country artists were in my vocal range. Toby Keith was one of those artists whose songs I could sing. And he had a great catalogue of songs from patriotic, to fun bar-drinking songs like “As Good As I Once Was” and “Red Solo Cup,” popularized by being performed on the television drama “Glee.”
While Keith’s physical appearance definitely had been affected by the cancer and its treatments, his voice still sounded like it always had with one exception, and it was clearly impacted by his cancer. Keith had surgery for his stomach cancer, and part of the stomach had been attached to his diaphragm. And for those who are unfamiliar with the role of the diaphragm to a singer, for a singer like Keith, that is where he gets his power for his vocals as he belts out his songs. Because this surgery no longer allowed that abdominal support, Keith was unable to power out his lower and higher registers, producing a softer sound. This would become his “new normal” as he finally returned to the stage late last year.
The news of Keith’s passing, especially at the age of 62, was a shock to all. He was only four years older than me. And seeing the final images of Toby Keith, post cancer, reminded me of another popular icon, Patrick Swayze, who passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 57.
Swayze was known for movies like “Red Dawn,” “Point Break,” Ghost,” “Dirty Dancing,” and my favorite role for him, “Roadhouse.” But just as what cancer took away from Toby Keith and his fans, so did cancer do to Swayze.
From just the two pictures, you see a pattern developing. And I could probably list a lot of other celebrities and athletes who have lost their lives to cancer. The media gives all kinds of attention when someone famous dies of cancer, capitalizing on the attention paid by distraught fans. In the end, we are not left with memories of “Dalton” or “Sam”, strong characters that had us watching these movies over and over, but rather a lasting image of what cancer had taken away from us.
Ask any newly diagnosed cancer patient, what is one thing that will make a difference to them as they begin their own fight against any cancer, and they will tell you, “to know of someone who had beaten the cancer that they are now facing.” And there are plenty of actors, musicians, and athletes who have beaten cancers, but then most push their survival back into obscurity, never to be heard of again.
The truth is, there are millions of cancer survivors out in the world. We just are not famous, and most do not have any platform to offer their support and encouragement to those facing cancer. Pictured above on the left is me, at the age of 23, I believe during my second of eight cycles of chemotherapy. I had already gone through radiation therapy. There was no social media back in 1989 and 1990 when I was treated, and it looks like I was asleep, which would be why I don’t recall the picture being taken. The picture on the right, was taken at the beginning of the year, as I approach my 34th year in remission next month for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I am hoping this will not be my last image that I share, but I do hope that I do provide hope and inspiration for all of those newly diagnosed with cancer.
I do not mean to take away from those grieving the loss of Toby Keith, or anyone else who has not survived their fight with cancer. We should remember and honor those who have passed, and for all the good that they gave us. And hopefully the memories that our in our minds are from happier and healthier times.
I just wish that some would pay attention to the millions of us, and share our stories of survival, and what life has been like with our “new normal.” And realize, that while enduring treatments for cancer is not pleasant, in the end, in remission, life can be good. It may not be what we planned, but I know speaking for me personally, these last three and a half decades have been one helluva ride for me. And to quote Toby Keith from his hit that I love to sing, “As Good As I Once Was,” “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.”
American Cancer On-Line Resources
Internet support from peers, caregivers, survivors, and professionals in several hundred types of cancers and related issues
Radiation Exposure
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Childrens Oncology Group
cancer information for patients, survivors, caregivers – child or adult
American Cancer On-Line Resources
Internet support from peers, caregivers, survivors, and professionals in several hundred types of cancers and related issues
Paul's Heart 