Today is National Daughter’s Day. It is also a special chapter for me and my daughters. Both are now in college forging their futures. One is in her second year, having started a month ago, my younger starting her freshman year classes tomorrow.
And with the exception of the final “proof read,” my first stand alone book is finished, soon ready to go to the publisher. The super cool part of this project? Both of my daughters, while playing a part of the history in the book, also have a part in its creation, with the cover pictured, created by one daughter, and the other daughter with a written contribution inside the book.
I really did not expect to ever have another post about this subject ever again, but here I am. And why today? Because of all of the anniversaries that I have to recognize, even the bad ones, this one did not have to happen. The thing is, though it does personally affect me emotionally due to the circumstances, the peripheral effects do impact me. Because for the second year, my mother is tormented by the death of her daughter (my younger sister) to Covid-19. And as natural for any parent who has had to bury a child, no matter how old, she struggles not only with “why,” but what could she have done to save her daughter?
And each year, I have to tell her the same cold answer, nothing. Her daughter had been told by so many, too many, something that was not true, and to make sure that she believed it, attached politics to the argument so that my sister would believe. These were people who were not her doctor, let alone any doctor. None of these influencers knew anything of science. But to my sister, these people knew, that anything that could have protected her, was going to be worse than the infection itself. Imagine, a vaccine meant to give major protection against serious affects of the disease, including risk of death, was going to be worse, that dying from the actual disease itself. She believed these people because they backed up their “facts” with politics, because the politicians that she supported were also spewing this false information, though did not believe it was false. And then finally, her church stuck the final nail in the coffin, “just trust in God. He will take care of you, protect you from the virus, heal you from the virus.” I guess they also denied that their God had to have played a role in discovering a vaccine or treatment. So, now I know what is worse between getting the vaccine or dying from Covid-19. We all should. Chances are pretty good, with over a million people in the US dead from Covid-19, all of our lives have been touched at least once from death by Covid-19.
After four years however, we are no closer in how to handle Covid-19. We have the vaccine. We have the treatment. We have the awareness and the precautions we can take. Yet, we are accelerating into another wave of infections, more hospitalizations, and likely more deaths. Digging our heels in from either side of the argument has not brought any kind of solution or control of the revolving situation. So, why do we keep doing it? It is not working. Like I said, we have the vaccines and treatments. We know they work. If someone does not want it, for whatever reason, why force them to take it?
By the same token, just because someone is anti for any reason, whether it be because someone just believes conspiracy theories, or those who spread them, or wants to blame politics does not given them the right to overrule the opinion of a person’s personal physician who knows their patients health history and risks. For instance, if you cannot even have a discussion without using the name “Fauci” or “CDC is corrupt,” as one of your “anti” points, this is exactly what I am referring to. I am not saying a person is not entitled to their opinion or belief, whether it is factual based or conspiracy. But a person like this, does not have the right to do all they can to convince a person to go against what is best for them, backed up with facts known by their own doctors. And I want to be clear, I am not making any reference to anyone who has either had a reaction to the vaccine, or allergies to any of the elements in the vaccine.
This is why my mother is haunted each year, on her daughter’s birthday and anniversary of her death. She honestly cannot understand, what would make her daughter take the word of everyone else, than the one person she could have, and should have trusted the most. The fact that the surviving members of her daughter’s family also infected, continue to carry the “anti” torch. My mother just cannot grasp this. They all watched their wife, their mother, die from a virus at the time was treatable were it not for the falsehoods that made her value certain death over life.
But if we really want to stop making things worse, pitting us against each other, we need to find that middle of the road, and we have to be willing to recognize it is not up to us, to enforce or demand a decision on someone when we have no business or qualifications doing so. Accept that we have the right to believe in falsehoods and conspiracies, even if they are tied to politicians we support or even faith, but also accept that we have the right to believe in scientifically proven facts, and while there are risks with the vaccine and treatments, the ones who are best to determine what is best are the patient and their doctors who know them best. The two sides should not try to influence the others. The true information is out there. Take out the politics, the spin, the conspiracy, look at the facts, understand science is not perfect and is more about finding better, everyone should be capable of making decisions on their own.
As were are screaming yet toward another wave of Covid-19, and a different strain, the politics is ramping back up as well, threatening actions against precautions which are not even being discussed. But being presented as “don’t you get any ideas”, and people treating that is if it is on the doorstep now, and it is not, nor will it be. Florida’s governor has gone so far as to ban any attempts to prevent the spread of Covid and deaths, which is odd given the tally of Covid-19 cases and deaths, leading the US at the third worst state.
I am going about my business as I have done these four years. I protect myself, and putting up with those triggered by the mask I need to wear, and it does work and preventing Covid-19. But I also do not give a shit about anyone who is 100% in the opposite range of concern. Whatever happens to them, happens to them if they do not care to take any precautions. I have a lot to experience yet in my life, in spite of all the other health challenges I face. And I want to be here for them. So, I am doing all I want to in life. I am sacrificing nothing, and will not give up my life just for something I enjoy doing, making that an excuse.
I write for many reasons. It helps me to keep things organized in my life. Things that I write about help me to remember. I hope that many of the things that I share, inspire, provide hope, cause laughter, or provide comfort and familiarity. Writing is also cathartic.
The release that I get, from putting my thoughts down in a blog, in a diary, or as I have just finally completed, a book, is not only therapeutic, but more times than not, provided me relief when I needed it most. As I tell many, if you do not have a therapist, writing down your thoughts is just as good because it gives you the chance to process your thoughts again.
I am in a strange place right now in my mind, several things at the forefront, coming up in the next week or so. My younger daughter is about to start her freshman year of college, joining her sister now in her sophomore year, a time I never thought I would live to see. I am approaching bi-annual medical follow-ups for all of my health issues, with always the “what if’s” in the back of my mind. And having finished writing my first book, called “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor,” as I edit the book, I am coming to a bigger realization, and more than just catharsis.
A therapist I saw back in the days that I was treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma often accused me of not recognizing the gravity or seriousness of what I was going through. I knew she was right, but I would still try to convince her that I was taking it seriously. But the truth was, for me to recognize how serious everything was, I would have to recognize and accept my mortality, which was in jeopardy. I felt my mind was in the right way of thinking, that I would get through my cancer. There was also the fact, that I knew that others had it way worse than I did. Some might not even survive. I was not planning on that fate. So no, I would not let myself take this episode in my life so seriously, because I expected to be fine.
Even as I wrote the book, chapter by chapter, as I recalled every detail, I still do not feel I saw how serious everything was that I went through. Sure, I knew all the dangers and crisis that I went through, and just as my therapist reminded me daily back then, it still did not hit me.
Now, with the book complete, I have read the whole thing in its entirety, although for the first time as an opportunity to do a final edit, several times. It has taken four decades, and being able to read through the entire manuscript, all the time periods and details, I can acknowledge just how difficult and dangerous many of the periods of my life really were.
For someone to pass by me on the street, without knowing me, would have no idea of the journey that I had taken over the last thirty-five years, the toxicity that I was exposed to with my treatments, and the health emergencies that I survived. But when you get the chance to read my book, soon I am hoping, I really did go through everything in the book. I may have made it look easy, I may have made myself “think” it was easy, but for the first time, I will say, it was far from easy.
My fight against cancer was hard, and not just my hard head fighting against me and the efforts to treat me. The unknown of what survivorship would bring, from discrimination to one health crisis after another, late developing side effects from my treatments, nearly as fatal as my fight against cancer, starting each day with uncertainty. The pressures of life and stress along with expectations and interference of others served as unnecessary and unwanted distractions. The fear of being the source of loss for the most important people in my life, knowing that my days of uncertainty and survivorship are not guaranteed.
I have no regrets about the decisions I made back in 1988 nor that I make today. Everything I do or write, are with the intentions of seeing another tomorrow, and are part of that plan.
I will continue to write here on “Paul’s Heart,” as I still have nearly 300 stories that I began to write and put to the side, and have many more to go. I will take a little time and then begin my second book. I am actually planning three more.
This is how I deal. Yes, some close to me cringe how open I am with my posts. But as I will never discover anything earth shattering or come up with a cure for something, if my words can make a difference to at least one, then this was all worth it.
American Cancer On-Line Resources
Internet support from peers, caregivers, survivors, and professionals in several hundred types of cancers and related issues
Paul's Heart 