Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “October, 2015”

17 Oct 2015

What Not To Say To A Doctor


It has been said to me by a few, that I really only began to “suffer” the way that  I do, when I discovered there were issues related to treatment therapies from my cancer decades ago.  I was “fine” until the first major health issue related to my cancer survival reared its ugly head needing that heart bypass thing.  But once doctors realized that there were other issues, that is when I caused other things to happen to my body by “willing it” and worrying about things, because I had become aware of them.

Funny, I had always thought that I was doing the right thing, by becoming aware of the unfortunately many circumstances that my original doctors decades ago clearly underestimated or never even thought of, because by being aware of them, I do not have to allow them to sneak up on me like the “widowmaker” I got dealt with my heart.

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I will admit, the number and severity of issues that I have been diagnosed with can be overwhelming, to me, but especially outsiders.  And there are those who refuse to even believe they exist, even some close to me.

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I do my best to protect everyone from the reality with a false shell that I project, the proverbial “book and cover”.  If all you see is the cover, that is all you get.  And for many who are blessed with perfectly healthy and happy lives, then you like my book cover.

But as I originally struggled with the plethora of new diagnosis and worsening symptoms, it did begin to take its toll on me.  I finally was getting answers to why I felt certain ways, even before my heart surgery, that my local doctors were baffled as to causes.

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One of the worse things I was dealing with, especially during the last ten years, was unexplained pain.  And without dealing with the pain, other things develop such as eating disorders and insomnia.  As illustrated above, pain has a major impact on a person’s day to day living experience.  Then you combine it with someone who is so stubborn and bullheaded, that they force themselves to grind their body well beyond what it is capable, perhaps even as a healthy individual, and emergencies are going to pop up.

As my pain level was hopefully reaching its plateau, or at least I was hoping it was, I sat across from my physiatrist, who was responsible for my lung issues and pain concerns, and I made a statement to Dr. S that even shocked his nurse assistant, and his response shocked me.

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“I don’t know anymore doc.  Maybe I deserve the pain that I am in.  It is the price I have to pay for having survived my cancer.”

Dr. S unleashed an angry barrage of frustration at me for even thinking my comments.  I have honestly never been yelled at by a doctor.  I have gotten attitude because of my stubbornness, but never have I been yelled at.

But his message came across loud and clear.  He cared about me.  He knows the lack of follow-up care I had received for all those years, but assured me was no longer going to be the case.  And for those of you reading this, and newly in remission, be thankful that you are now getting the follow-up care that you are.

He stressed to me, that we were finally going to get the pain under control.  My health issues will never be about cure, but rather management.  And if you can manage the issues, you can manage most of the other areas of your life.  But if you do not have a grip on the pain right from the beginning, other areas of your being are going to suffer.  The main issue for me as always been how hard I am on myself.  I have been told this by other survivors as well as my doctors.  I am tough on myself emotionally and physically.  I have never wanted my life to be defined by cancer, but I have since turned it around that my life will not be denied by cancer.   I have never wanted pity from anyone, but there is a huge difference between pity and empathy.  Most importantly, I have learned that if I am to survive, I have to accept that my body has not been what I thought for the first half of my life, but my body is still working.  I have limits, and it is when I forget that I have limits, or push my limits so as not to disappoint someone, that is when my body quickly reminds me, and sometimes quite harshly.

Over the decades, I have known so many survivors who have gotten through their lives, managing their issues, and still able to enjoy their lives.  And they all have reasons to feel like I expressed earlier, and they do.

The important thing is that if you feel this way, it is normal.  More importantly, you are not alone.

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Posted in Cancer, Education, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
11 Oct 2015

The Innocence Of Children


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I was taking a walk yesterday along a local beach, when I noticed a young girl, about two years of age, approaching another girl, probably two years older.  From a distance, I could see that they had been playing separately in the sand.  But just as I continued to walk, I could see that both children were not only different in age, but ethnicity.  To be honest, I do not normally notice “differences,” other than for the point of this post.  I do know that the older child appeared Caucasian, while I am not sure what was the ethnicity of the younger child.  Nor does this matter, nor should it matter.

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As both parents looked on, the smaller child, seeing the older child playing in the sand as well, had picked up her sand bucket and wandered over to the older child.  The mother of the younger child got up from her beach blanket and followed her daughter.  The younger child stood there in front of the older child, and her grandfather as if waiting for the next step.  And then it happened, the mother asked the grandfather if their children could play with each other.

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I am caucasian technically with some Cherokee lineage.  I have two daughters of Chinese descent.  I grew up in a city where I was the “minority,” but somehow managed to get along with everyone.  I know racism exists, through honestly I had hoped that by the mid-century mark of my life, that progress would have been made toward at least reducing it.  And though I normally stay away from political topics on this blog, comments by a media mogul, and then echoed by a certain political party candidate for president, really bothered me.  Headlines still cannot be read without mentioning the color of either the antagonist or protagonist.  But now, even a potential leader of our country is feeding into this.  This is unacceptable.

And I could not help but be sad for these two little girls.  Right now, they did not know that their skin colors were different, or that in our country it makes a difference.  They have not be taught this yet.  But somehow, by the time they start paying attention to the media, the education will still be the same, using “color” to describe the severity of a story.  They will be taught something they were not born with, racism.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
10 Oct 2015

My Dad – The School Bus Driver


last photo of my dad and I before his cancer

There are moments in life, that just trigger memories.  Yesterday, I had one of those.  I grew up estranged from my father most of my life, so for me to have any kind of concept of my dad to be a “coochie coo” kind of parent, was really hard to imagine.  And in times when I did see him, I definitely would not have described him that way.

December 2008 - 55

Which is why, when we adopted our daughters, one of the first things I told my father, who constantly felt guilt for the lack of being involved in my life, “we can’t change what happened, but you have two beautiful granddaughters and they love you.  If you feel you have something to make up, here is your chance.”  And my dad adored his granddaughters.  They especially knew that going to “pappy’s” house, meant raiding the huge Oreo Cookie cookie jar.

But from what I knew of my father, he was fairly gruff.  Driving truck most of his life, he was a “motor head” and quite talented with handy repairs.  Definitely not “coochie coo.”

But then a few years ago, he dropped a bomb on me.  Having recently retired due to both age and health issues, he decided that he needed something to fill his time in.  He told me, “I am going to drive school buses.”

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I was like, “you know dad, they have kids on them?”  He laughed.  I began to warn him of how rough teenagers could be when he cut me off that he would be driving elementary school kids.  And again, I was like, “really?” as if I was concerned how the kids would react to someone the way I used to think about my dad, and  stress the way I “used” to think of my dad.  The fact is, my daughters did change the way he was around children.

My father told me lots of stories of children he had seen somewhere, telling me of behaviors both good and bad, and then turning the conversations to how I was raising our daughters, complimentary.  But one of the most touching stories was that of Chinese twins on his bus, that he said reminded him so much of his granddaughters, not just in a physical resemblance but also in manners.

When my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, eventually he had to retire for good.  And he was so touched by all of the families on his route who gave all kinds of tokens of support.  But is was the hugs from all the children as they said goodbye to their favorite bus driver, that meant the most to him.

It is often said, that depending on the situation of someone’s passing, it is better to remember them a certain way.  And this is definitely one of those memories  I will always cherish of my father.

Yesterday, I saw a school bus with a driver that resembled my father.  Being behind the bus, I saw the red flashing lights as the students poured off the bus, turning to wave goodbye to their driver.

I miss you dad.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects | Leave a comment

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