Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the tag “Covid19”

The Plan After Covid19


After two years, I think I have finally figured out what life for me after the Covid19 pandemic will be like, but more importantly what it is really about. Like all of the other outbreaks that I have had to deal with over my cancer survivorship, it has been the unknown of Covid19 that made it more difficult to deal with and live during the times of Covid19.

Fully vaccinated, and having followed the mitigation recommendations for the last two years, I know for a fact, I have avoided a direct Covid19 exposure. And at no time, did I have to sacrifice freedom or liberty, nor did I ever live in fear, that ridiculous false trope. But it is after all of this time, I have come to realize that it is not even about the divide between those that deal with reality, and those that do not.

The biggest thing we, as human beings, with supposedly such developed minds, were told, we HAD to wash our hands and we HAD to cover our mouths and noses when we sneeze or cough. We HAD to stay home if we were sick so as not to make anyone else sick. Forget the topic of Covid19 for a second. We had to be told to do these common sense things that we were likely told as children. And why were we being told to do these things, not just because of the unknowns of the current crisis, but because too many of us have forgotten common sense. And because of that, then came the mandates, being forced to do the things mentioned above. But I do not want to get lost in the weeds with a different topic.

We spread germs, that is what we do. Like the photo above, I know my father and my grandfather always carried handkerchiefs, or as I called them, “snot rags,” for obvious reasons. They were gross pieces of cloth, kept in their pockets, when needed for use, and after being used, to be used again, and again. That’s right. They would blow their knows into the hanky, and then stuff it back into their pocket. What does the average person do with a tissue after blowing their nose? Right. They throw it into the trash. But not the snot rag. It just got shoved right back into the denim incubator of his pants.

Not just men are guilty of this, but so are women. In the purses of women, especially older women, are “old” tissues that after getting used, get shoved back inside the purse, perhaps to be used again and again.

As a child, there was a pretty good chance, you would be victimized due to your runny nose, of either reaching into their pocket or purse, and pulling out a “snot rag,” using it on you, and shoving it back into place for the next time.

As an adult, I had one particular experience when flying. I keep pretty much to myself as it is, no desire for small talk with strangers. But one flight, was an elderly woman sitting next to me, who clearly liked to talk. No sooner had she sat down, she turned to me and said, “soooooo… where are you headed? Is it for business or for…” She never finished her question because right at that moment, she let out a good hacking of her lungs, coughing directly at me, her mouth uncovered. Several days later, you guessed it, I came down with whatever that lady had, and eventually others in my family would get it from me. Fortunately over the last several years, I have minimized these experiences.

Here we are, two years dealing with Covid19. We now know how to diagnose it. We have vaccines to prevent and protect us if exposed so that the infection is not severe enough to put us into the hospital or worse, die from Covid19. We have legitimate treatment options for those diagnosed early enough. And then, we still have the mitigation recommendations, the common sense, wash your hands, and cover your mouths and noses.

There are really only a few things that I have not done since the pandemic and subsequent recommendations were made. Go to movies and concerts, and fly to see my mother. Over the pandemic, my daughters have been to visit with me, with the strictest of precautions, and they have remained safe as always, now fully vaccinated themselves.

An experience to my local grocery store however, quickly made me aware, that it may be quite a while, if ever, before I go back to attending concerts, movies, or anything densely populated. I witnessed two events, the second nearly making me vomit. The first was a boy walking with his parents, asking when he would be allowed back to school. The mother had explained to him that he had “three more days” and reminded him of a classmate who had a similar experience. In other words, this child was supposed to be quarantined for ten days, yet was out with his family, and unmasked, potentially spreading Covid19 to anyone within close proximity inside the store. Now for the worse story. If you are eating or drinking, stop.

In front of the pharmacy counter, a woman was standing. She arched her back and quickly reared forward, expelling a loud sneeze. No mask. Her hands were by her side. Clearly, whatever came out of her nose, was now blasted all over the shelves, counter top, and floor in front of her.

Do you see my point? Common sense. We know how to get through Covid19. But while we keep trying to convince each side who is right and who is wrong, taking political or conspiratorial sides, we have actually crossed 800,000 American lives lost, that clearly did not have to die, especially once the vaccines became available.

The Eagles are one of my favorite classic bands to see. And when I saw the advertisements come up for this particular tour, playing the entire Hotel California album, I really thought this would be the moment, I would finally get over my hurdle of avoiding concerts.

Up until this point, I have been content watching video streams of concerts and movies, and really, there was no reason to change this behavior. My food was better, cost less, no traffic, and I was in bed at the most, half hour later. It is not about being squashed shoulder to shoulder in seats to enjoy a concert or movie experience. I would use external speakers to give more volume, and I had the best seat in the house every time.

And then I remembered, the snot rag, the tissue in the purse, the contaminated kid not following quarantine rules, and of course, clean-up in aisle 5 in front of the pharmacy.

I have never been a fan of big crowds even without a pandemic, but am less thrilled with them now. But it is not because of Covid19, or whatever else comes down the road. Rather, the common sense that so many seem to lack. But hey, I don’t want to impose on anyone’s freedom to blow their germs wherever they want. So I take it upon myself. And I do still get to enjoy all the things that I want. Better yet, I stay healthy.

And for those that love that false trope, that is not living in fear, that is living smart.

After You’re Gone


Over the years, writing “Paul’s Heart” has been rewarding, therapeutic, sometimes entertaining, and occasionally, a wonderful trip down memory lane. Sometimes, it can be heartbreaking, provocative, and challenging. If there is one thing that can frustrate those in my life, I am consistently open, candid, and at times, brutally honest in my posts. I am this way for one reason. While there is much to be celebrated being a long time cancer survivor of over 31 years, and I consider myself to be a great Dad to two of the most wonderful daughters a father could ever ask for, I will never discover a cure for a disease. I can never donate blood or organs because of my health history. Wanting to have a feeling of worth, more than just that of a father, I feel that if any of my experiences in my life that I share, can help even just one person, then my post, my openness, was worth it. Whether someone feels encouraged, inspired, moved to do something in life, for the better, from my examples in cancer survivorship, patient advocacy, adoption, divorce and single parenting, if my words help just one person, then it has been worth it to me.

In all my of years writing, I cannot recall ever mentioning that I had a younger sibling. There are reasons for that, that I will not get into for the purpose of this post, because it is not relevant. To keep it simple, we had been estranged. And yes, that last sentence is past tense. My sister died just over a month ago, from Covid19. Again, the purpose of this post is not for sympathy. I do not ask for any. But there is someone hurting right now, that does impact me, my mother. As a reader of “Paul’s Heart,” you know I have a lot of extreme health issues. My sister should have easily outlived me. However, she made a decision, and was wrong.

So as I often do, thoughts filled my head, and with nowhere else to go with those thoughts, they went to paper, raw, nonstop. My sister and I had major disagreements that we were willing to take with us to our graves. Now that is guaranteed. But there was still something needed to be said.

It is my hope, that if you are one of the many, still unvaccinated, or still fighting against ending this health tragedy, that you can see, your thoughts and decisions that you are making in not getting vaccinated against Covid19, affect more than just you. You cannot say “the media” this or “that stuff does not happen” or ” it was something else” just because you do not like a resource. This actually happened. My sister died from Covid19 because she refused to get vaccinated for a number of reasons, all of them wrong. She did not need to die. This is the truth. If you truly feel, that the risk of a potential minor side effect if it happened at all, is worse than dying, because that is what you have been led to believe, read this story. Because in the end, it is not. Dying from something preventable does not just affect you.

After You’re Gone

“First, I want to say, I understand why you believed what you did.  I also feel bad that you believed what you did.  But I get why.

Second, there is a part of me that is even proud, that you stood by your decisions, all the way to your last breath.  Nothing was going to break that rock.

So, here we are.  Now you are gone, dead.  But damnit!  You stood your ground!

And what did you get for the ultimate commitment?  Anything from the President you supported, who claimed Covid19 was a hoax in the beginning?  But even after acknowledging it was real, you still did not take Covid19 seriously.  Anything from the anti-vaxxer crowd and conspiracy theorists who pushed false treatments and their reasons not to take the vaccine, whose efforts you bought, hook, line, and sinker?  Will you be getting a medal for your “patriotism” for the stance as some would refer to you, a “patriot”, for the position you took?  Ah, how about cash?  Any reward for the ultimate sacrifice you paid for with your stance?  No?

Well, here is what you do have.

A spouse who still does not believe in getting the vaccine, even after watching you die.

Your children, though adults, will live without their mother for so many years, that you were supposed to see of their future.

Your own mother, now having to bury her child, something no parent should ever have to do.

This is not just about your decision.   It is also about risk, for others in your life.

There will likely be a funeral, during a time when Covid19 is still a huge risk.  This type of gathering is referred to as a super-spreader event.  It will be attended by those who have taken the same position as you, but also others who have believed in science and what is necessary to protect their lives.  Attending your funeral will still put them at risk, but they want to be there out of respect for surviving members of the family.  I guess you had not thought about that.

I bet you did not think about all the hospital staff that would have to take care of you and not only watch as you die, or like on your birthday, make sure you would be able to hear voices sing happy birthday from your family through a phone.  That is, if you were able to hear it.  Oh yeah, and then, the time when the ones who fought to save your life, have to tell your family that you are gone, and yet, another death they have had to witness that did not have to happen.

I am pretty sure you did not think everything through, that getting vaccinated to protect yourself against Covid19 was not just about you, but the countless lives that would be affected by you not getting the vaccine.  Now you know.  But it is too late, you are gone now.”

A Fate I Never Want To Face


This is Travis Campbell of Virginia. He is 43 years old. And yes, he is a Covid19 patient. He is also someone who has been resistant to taking the Covid19 virus seriously, including getting vaccinated. He is publicizing his journey on social media. In his words, he “messed up” in not getting the vaccine. His current status, having graduated downward in his condition, has him now in the ICU. In his videos, you can hear him struggling to breathe.

This is not the part of his story that gets me. I am tired, after a year and a half of trying to convince people I know, who either deny the reality of the situation or have gone full throttle conspiracy in getting through this pandemic. My friends who believe opposite what I do in regard to Covid19, know that I will respect their decision, no matter how wrong I feel they may be. Notice, I am not saying they are wrong, but rather, I feel they are wrong. And that is different. Because I really think, that if they took a step away from the resources they use to make their determination, and look at the science and facts, from reliable sources, like their doctors, just as I do, they would definitely at the least, have some doubt about their current stance.

But emotionally, I just cannot offer any sorrow at this point for anyone making the choices against prevention, against mitigation, against common sense, only to get smacked in the face with reality. I have several friends who work in health care, including a long term Hodgkin’s survivor who is “forced” to work, taking care of Covid19 patients in spite of her vulnerabilities. And I find it even more offensive than earlier, that with at least the option of being vaccinated, the majority of patients being seen, are not being vaccinated. My only thoughts and prayers are not for those patients, but for my friends and other front line workers and their families who have not asked as part of their career choice, to take care of people who blatantly have such disregard for public welfare and saftey.

In any case, I do not wish ill on anyone, and I do hope that Mr. Campbell can recover. Though his last update yesterday, does not offer that promise. He has been switched from different levels of breathing assistance, and moved into the ICU for his care. He stated in yesterday’s update, that he now has blood clots as well as a crystalizing in his lungs, both common side effects of the virus, known from the beginning, and for me, being vulnerable, all I needed to know, to know that I could not afford to contract Covid19, confirmed by my cardiologist who stated very plainly, “if you get Covid19, with your heart and lungs the way they are, you will die.” That is not Facebook or any news outlet, that is my personal doctor who knows my health. Of course I take this seriously. But you do not have to have my vulnerabilities to know that blood clots and this crystalizing to know they are bad for even “healthy” people.

It is the next part of my post, that is what bothers me the most, and honestly, should have been a no-brainer for Campbell, long ago. He is now likely heading to the next level of care, and possibly the final level of care, being put on a respirator. And as most know, being put on a respirator for Covid19 is a bad prospect, with fairly good odds of never being able to come off of it. Death. Even the possibility of death while being on the respirator is not enough to convince people to do what they can to avoid Covid19. Ask any of us, who have ever been put on a respirator for any of our non-Covid19 procedures (myself at least six times that I can remember), and how unpleasant the process of being intubated is, should be enough to turn you back into giving a shit. But not Campbell.

It is his last words from yesterday, that have actually broken through my shell, and really have me shaking my head with his situation. He has two young children. As do I. As he prepares to be placed onto a respirator, he held a conversation with his son, 14 years of age, that if by some chance, he does not survive, he asks his son, that when the time comes that his sister gets married, he would “give his sister away” in his place.

When I watched this, I lost it. My friends and family know how much they all mean to me, and will not take offense to this comment, but my daughters are my world. Anything and everything I do is for them. From the very first health crisis I faced, my emergency open heart surgery, through the too-numerous-to-count more events, I have fought through everything, for them, so that they would never have to experience the loss of their Dad, at least in their youth, like several of their friends.

My life almost ended in 2008 with a widow maker heart attack, were it not for the emergency surgery. And then I found out, why that condition happened, and all the other health issues I deal with today, late developing side effects from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, high doses of radiation, and toxic chemotherapy. Yes, I have survived 31 years because of what was done to me, and it has come at a cost. But, my doctors have all told me, they will do what they can, to at least keep the pace of the development of these issues as slow as they can, since it cannot be reversed. And we all have the same goals: to see both my daughters graduate and possibly go to college, perhaps get married, and even give me grandchildren. I am close to that first milestone with my oldest one year away from graduation. And I am doing all that I can to get to all of these milestones.

That is what finally broke through me about Campbell’s situation. I never want anyone else to need to walk my daughters down a wedding aisle. And that is why, knowing what I know about my health, and knowing what I have been told by those closest to me that I trust the most, my doctors, I am doing all that I can to avoid contracting Covid19. Is it a guarantee? Hardly since I live in Florida and the majority of people are still fighting the obvious, and a governor who refuses to encourage any kind of precautions. But I am doing all that I can. And for those crying “my freedom” or as I call it, free-dumb, I am still “free.” Like all the other illnesses that I have gotten through in my survivorship, it is because I listen to those that know, my doctors, that I am living my life, one day at a time, doing all the things I want and need to do.

As a father, I can only hope that Campbell can recover so that he can walk his daughter down her wedding aisle. I could never imagine anyone else doing it for my daughters.

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