Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

16 Feb 2014

One Big Mess Last Week


Last week was one week that I know I was wanting to come to an end real quick. I normally make my blog about one particular topic, but last week was such a mess, literally. Once again, we got hit with our annual mid-February major snowstorm, dumping more than a foot of snow on our area. But to make things even more challenging, I received a phone call from my father while I was on the way to the gym, that he was on his way to the emergency room. He is still dealing with effects from battling his lung cancer. I have my suspicions as to what is behind this repeated flare-up, but then again, I am no doctor. Decisions that my father made in regards to his treatments were his to make. All I can do is make sure that he is cared for properly to deal with these side effects.

My father did not have any intention of remaining in the hospital passed Wednesday as the weather forecast was calling for a major snowfall, so he had every plan of going home. His situation got complicated, which I will put into another post. Because this post took a completely unexpected turn for me later that evening.

For the second time in two months, I am saying good bye to another young life. I received a call that my brother’s step son had died in a car accident earlier in the day. The details of the accident have not been made public, and to be honest, I do not know or think that having those details will provide any consolation.

I only knew James casually, and to me, he seemed like many other kids I knew, went through his phases, but overall, he was a good kid. I questioned his choices of hair colors and maybe some piercings, but he really was a good kid, reliable. He assisted me with some heavy lifting following my heart surgery. My daughters adored him.

2014 really has not gone the way I was hoping. Next week, my father is looking at yet another procedure. And now there is a funeral to attend. And my father must make choices about that surgery, based upon the arrangements of the funeral for his grandson.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
09 Feb 2014
2 Comments

The Challenge Of Getting Fit


For at least a month now, I have been going full tilt at the gym, trying for the umpteenth time to get myself back into shape. I am not motivated by the “people who are overweight are more likely to have cancer or diabetes” or “having to buy an adjoining seat on an airplane”. Quite simply, I know I feel better when I exercise.

My problem is not will power or guilt. Whenever I try to get back into an exercise routine, like what I did back when I was in high school (okay, I am not in denial either – it has been thirty years since then), I usually have some sort of setback. That setback can be health related, or lack of motivation related. Just the other day it was power related as the gym suffered a rare closure due to power loss from a huge ice storm that we had recieved.

Breaking from the stereotype of patients who undergo chemotherapy, looking emaciated, I actually gained weight, more than fifty pounds. I suffered from “pumpkin face” as my weight ballooned due to my increased appetite from the prednisone I was taking to counteract one of the other chemo drugs I was getting. By the time I was done with my treatment, I weighed over 200 pounds for the first time in my life. Just as I got through my treatments however, I was just as determined to get the weight off. I lost sixty pounds within four months, half the time that I was on chemo with strict diet and exercise.

Over course, aging slowly and a destroyed thyroid (from radiation treatments) helped me to regain the weight, and again I made yet another attempt to restore my weight and physique. I was successful at it too, if it weren’t for the tightness in my chest. In spite of being in good condition, a major heart issue was discovered and required emergency heart surgery (see “CABG – Not Just A Green Leafy Vegetable).

So, following that surgery, I had to give yet another shot at getting my body back into condition. It was a bit of a slower process because I needed to be careful with issues concerning the heart. But my determination was still the same, to get back into the condition that I was in before the surgery. But then I started seeing my doctors for follow ups, and then realizing that I was dealing with late developing side effects from my cancer treatments, for the first time in my life, I was beginning to feel defeated. Conversations with my doctors became more about what I should not be doing. Exercises that gave me strength and power were now of the list of things I could do. Slowly, I began to let the rest of my physique suffer and it seemed as if the late effects were also progressing a little more quickly.

Two months ago, I took the bull by the horns. No more “can’t”. I have been posting my accomplishments on Facebook, not necessarily as bragging, but rather as accountability and to show, that you can, and still need to take care of yourself. I am hoping this week to accomplish two goals. First, tomorrow, not only will I have achieved the calorie burn I was at when I had my heart surgery, but I will also be at the weights that I lifted. Emotionally this is a huge milestone for me.

The second is a shirt. I plan on wearing a shirt on Friday that was intentionally purchased a size smaller than I normally wear. So, not only am I feeling better physically, mentally, I am hoping to look better as well. Like my doctors told me when they first discovered my late effects, they cannot reverse the damage, but they can slow them down. And that has been my challenge to get fit.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart
07 Feb 2014
1 Comment

Been There, Done That


A comment was made to me the other day by someone who had just heard rumor that I was getting divorced. “A lot of adoptive families are getting divorced years after adopting. It really is not fair to the children to do that to them. They have been through so much as it is.”

I would tend to agree, however, as someone going through a divorce (my second actually), with adoptive children from this second marriage, I can say with all sincerity, my divorce has nothing to do with the adoption process or my children. I do not care about statistics, scientific or manufactured. The fact is, I have kept quiet intentionally about the reason behind my divorce, the process and steps of my divorce, and what my hopes are following this divorce. And for no other reason, than those very children that I mentioned earlier.

I am a fairly private person when it comes to the burdens I face in life. I do not like to burden anyone else. So in spite of obvious behavior changes in public between my ex-wife-to-be and I, people still expressed shock, disappointment, and some, even anger (mostly from her family) for what simply did not make sense. Again, I am not going to discuss the circumstances that led me to file, nor am I going to discuss reactions and the way that I am being treated.

I cannot speak for her, but my marriage failed. I do still have the responsibility of being a parent. And I believe that I am a great dad. I love both of my daughters and will do all that I can to protect them through this process. But this is a divorce. Someone will feel wronged. Comments will be made that cannot be taken back, whether factual or simply emotional. But children are especially susceptible and intuitive when “mommy and daddy” no longer seem to be getting along. The children do not need the additional comments and opinions of others, including other family members to make them feel worse about the situation that they are caught right in the middle of. Instead, it would benefit the children more, if energies were directed more at showing that with the exception of the divorce, the rest of their lives will continue to be normal. Their mother will be the same person. Their father will be the same person. Their friends and families will still be the same. Their world should not come to an end because their parents are divorcing. Quite the contrary, as Dr. Phil says (I cannot believe I am actually quoting him), “better for a child to come from a broken home, than to live in one.”

I am doing my best to make sure that they do not feel that this situation is their fault, because they have absolutely nothing to do with it. Because of the adoptions, both my ex-to-be and I are very close to the many families that we adopted with and I have made it clear that when it comes to our annual reunions, that I expect both of us to attend with our daughters. While it may be awkward at first, she and I have proven on at least three occasions that we will still be able to co-parent our children. But this is also important to all the other children who were adopted with us, as they too will be affected.

So, this is what people will still see, my ex-to-be and I co-parenting. I cannot control what is done and said behind the scenes other than what I do myself. My children do not need to see or hear the growing animosity that often comes with a bitter divorce process. I know how sensitive children are to this process as I was a child of divorce. I experienced the animosity and the hatred that was not kept from me. I will never forget it. Those memories are what drive me to protect my daughters from the misdirected and misguided judgments that are thrown at me. They do not mention what they overhear, but they do hear it. And that is not fair to them. My daughters love me, and they love their mother. It is not right for certain individuals to take that away from my children.

I am just asking, please, keep the children in mind.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Inspired By...

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