Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

12 Apr 2014
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The Confluence


A confluence is an intersection where two or more objects, often times rivers, come together. In Pittsburg, there are three rivers that do this, hence the Steelers footbal stadium is called “Three Rivers Stadium.” Where these three rivers join together can be quite turbulent. Every so many winters, those of us in the northeast hear of a storm system, rather two or more systems that with the perfect timing come together to produce a super storm of major precipitation. The elements of cold weather and precipitation produce snow in feet, not inches. Another example of a confluence could be a traffic intersection. Imagine the carnage of an intersection with no traffic control, automobiles coming from four different directions, no stop signs or traffic signals. You get the idea… that these intersections can be quite chaotic, full of energy, and often create a lot of stress.

The truth is, you can walk down any street, even be standing next to a co-worker and never know the turbulence that another person is feeling, or what “confluence” they might be dealing with. Over the years, I have been known to carry so much on my shoulders. The truth be told, I thrive on it. I am not saying it is a good thing at all. Certainly it is good for those that I am trying to help, but occasionally there is collateral damage to either those around me, or even to myself.

One branch of my confluence begins with caring for my father, battling a very serious and aggressive cancer. I have always said that I am a better patient because I can deal with things that are thrown my way. But I am helpless when watching others go through their own.

Then another branch is my job. I work for a large company who “merged” several years ago, and its merger effects are beginning to be felt in the form of job reductions. My department is seeing a downsizing of ridiculous proportions and the building I work in is one of the casualties. I am fortunate on one hand, but there will be an unfortunate factor that will rise up again. I have been able to do my daily tasks with my health restrictions because I accepted a role that was within those restrictions. After ten years, I will no longer have that net under me. I will return to a position, where management will struggle with my assignments to comply with the ADA (American With Disabilities Act), and my co-workers unaware of my restrictions, will most likely return to the petty “why does Paul get away with not having to…”. This was an awful environment to work in back then, and I do not look forward to working in it again.

The most prominent though of all the branches of my confluence is my pending divorce. There are no signs of an imminent ending which is unfortunate. Both of us have clearly stated we want it over, yet both attorneys have done nothing to draw us into some stage of mediation. We continue to live in the house together until the divorce is done, though clearly by our positioning in the house, we are separated. There are not many possessions for us to split up, and really not much else to discuss, other than the most important factor, the custody of our children.

It is now eight months since I made the decision to file for divorce. And without getting into the nuts and bolts of everything, which I will continue not to discuss publicly, I will address one thing as I know there are some who are “spying” on my blog. I do not address my ex-to-be as anything less than my daughters’ mother as she is to be respected as such. My children do not hear any conversations criticizing her because I do not entertain those conversations. I am not proud of the situation I am in, but I am disappointed in the actions of some.

You see, in the middle of a wonderful weekend with my daughters, packed with all kinds of activities, one of my daughters reveals that she has overheard “mean” things about me. She was not in the room when these things were being said, but she was within earshot. I do not have any problem with anyone who wants to offer ridicule of me with the limited information they possess, but I do when it is affecting my children. I love my daughters and they love me. You cannot take that away from me, or them. But if you are one of those “spies” that I made reference to, please take this to heart, save your ridicule of me when my daughters cannot possibly hear you. If you want to hurt me, go for it. But I will not continue to let you hurt my daughters. I spend every moment with my daughters that I can, with everything I have going on, letting them know how much I love them, and doing things with them. This weekend so far has been awesome and filled with activity. They are slowly getting used to the idea what it will be like when we are no longer living in the same house, and that both of their parents will remain an active part of their lives, perhaps having double the experiences that they otherwise would have had.

As a raft drifting into the confluence of the three rivers in Pittsburgh, I am dealing with all of the various currents I am facing. Eventually, I will come out in calmer waters. I have charted my course to steer me through those currents and I will get through this.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
26 Mar 2014

If I Had Only Known…


Growing up, I had this uncle with a very warped sense of humor. Back in the 60’s and 70’s no doubt we were all exposed to the “they will do it just once” and our parents let us find things out on our own, such as touching the burner on a stove when it was hot. The thought being that the really smart ones would learn from that scorching mistake in judgement.

Around eight years of age, I pondered what would happen if I held on to the prongs of an electrical cord and plugged it into the wall. My uncle told me he did not know and I should try it if I was curious. After all, I did know that the cord was connected to a lamp, so I knew it could turn the lamp on. And then of course there was Uncle Fester on the TV who could light up a bulb by just sticking it in his mouth.

Fortunately, there was nothing in the path of my tragectory as I was thrown backwards from the jolt of 110 volts going through my hand. I hated that uncle ever since. He could have just said “no” and in theory I would have listened.

Then why is it, that as adults, we have such a hard time, knowing better with our judgements if we are to guide our younger family members. A patient recently diagnosed with lung cancer seemed genuinely shocked to find out, when asking the doctor what could have caused the lung cancer, that the answer was smoking. The patient wanted to present any other kind of explaination. Major denial.

My generation had the subject “Health” in school. And during the elementary years, a good portion of the class was committed to “smoking”. Looking back, it was really a harsh class. As part of the demonstration, an actual, preserved lung was displayed, that was riddled with emphasema. It was awful. Compared to the healthy lung which was not black and hardened, clearly the message was to get to the children, and then the hope was that the children would convince their family members to quit. Emphasema, COPD, and lung cancer… three major reasons to never start smoking, or to quit if you can.

And that is the tricky part, if you can. Cigarettes are one of the most addicting habits one can ever be trapped with, physically addicting and the cigarette companies know that. So, when someone has been smoking for decades, is most likely going to be unable to quit, or restart. And no matter who brings the message home, that person is practically powerless to do anything about it.

I did come home from elementary school one year, following the anti-smoking campaign lesson. And I begged both my mother and father to quit, and why. I got several reasons why they could not, one of which was, “nothing will happen to me”. And that is what happens to people when they make that choice to start smoking. They do not believe that they will be the ones to get cancer.

Funny… I thought the same thing too. But no one knows what caused my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. With lung cancer, it is usually an obvious answer.

It is sad really, to hear these words from someone who has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, “If I had only known…” I guarantee both my parents knew, but just as I held onto the prongs of the cord, I did not listen.

It is a horrible thing to watch anyone die. But even worse when it is from something that could have been prevented. And the sad thing is, there are those in my life, that my children will see smoking, and feel sorrow for them, because their grandfather is battling lung cancer from smoking. And that is what they will remember about him, and worry about anyone else that is smoking.

Smoking is not just a bad habit, it is a deadly habit. If you do not smoke, do not start. If you do smoke, quit now.

And here are a few other things I can let you know now, you can prevent later:
Sun burns skin – wear sunblock
Fast Food burgers – not good for your cholesterol
Clean hands – less germs spread
Reality TV… not very real

Now you know.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
25 Mar 2014

Tween Time


Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter today. She is very proud to announce to me that she is just two years away from being a teenager. The funny thing is, she says it without knowing why. So Madison is now heading into the second half of her childhood now, or as it is called, being a “tweenager.” This is the period of time that a lot of changes have already taken place in her life, but more importantly, she is becoming more aware of her surroundings, and the things that are out in the world for her to experience.

It is easy to remember what birthdays I looked forward to. Turning sixteen was a major one for most all of us because it was the gateway to adulthood and independence, getting a driver’s license. I have put the kibosh on that theory with Madison, because when we discussed when she would be able to drive, I negotiated a sweet deal, as close to never as I could get, thirty eight years of age.

Another milestone was turning twenty one. While the responsible goal was to have turned the age to be able to make your opinion count by voting, many of us saw twenty one as an opportunity to experience why all the other adults we watched were always so happy, consuming alcohol. Well, I know Madison has not expressed her interest in politics just yet. And I know that Madison does not really understand the concept of drinking alcohol, as she never really witnessed either of her parents drink other than the occasional glass with a meal.

Hmmmm… so what could Madison be all excited about being two years away from being a teenager? I tried to remember what it was like for me and the things that I did back then. The bad thing for Madison is that I am going to remember from the male perspective. I played a lot of baseball and football, rode my bike, did my homework, hey… wait a minute. At around that age, I was crossing the vortex that allowed me to recognize that girls were a good thing.

Television had shows that displayed boyfriend and girlfriend relationships, and that it was cool to have an interest in someone. Hey… you do not think… wait a minute… she is not… could… no. She cannot be excited about turning eleven because of…?

Yes, the reality of fatherhood and a little girl who is excited about a particular birthday. For many years, she has playfully talked about her “boy friends”. One in particular she has laid claim to as her husband for the last six years or so. She is noticing boys. But fortunately one thing in my favor is that Madison has a little sister who is willing to blow the whistle on any ill-fated attempts to disrespect my daughter.

In all seriousness, this is a difficult year for Madison and I. As it is another special day that we are doing differently, because of the pending divorce. One new tradition that I have started with her, and will do the same with my younger daughter, is picking a birthday meal. In the past, because extended family were invited, Madison never got to choose her birthday dinner. And ultimately, it is her birthday. Not everyone was crazy about tuna noodle casserole when I was a kid, but it was my birthday, and my dinner. And so, for our new birthday tradition, Madison chose Taco Bell.

It does not take a lot to make Madison happy as her father. She wants attention. She wants to do the things that she wants to do. I could not be more proud of her (I am equally proud of both of my daughters). Happy Birthday my “Ting Ting”. Don’t rush the teenage years on me.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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