Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

National Stroke Month


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I am not sure what the other leading causes of death are, but I am certain that auto accidents, heart attacks, and cancer have to be in the top five.

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Timing is everything when it comes to dealing with someone who has had a stroke.  Effects from the stroke can be minimal or severe, short term or permanent.

So what exactly is a stroke?  There are a few main types.  The first is called an ischemic stroke, which for simplest terms, is a blood clot in an artery going to the brain.  It can be caused by fatty substances building up a blockage, or even due to an injury.  Another is called a hemorrhagic stroke, which yes, that means bleeding out.  A common cause of this is a blowout of a blood vessel, called an aneurysm.  Finally, there is the TIA, the transient ischemic attack.  Often times this is not considered a “stroke” per se, but rather a “pre stroke.”  If you have one of these, chances are likely that a stroke is more common to occur.

The truth is, without awareness, you may never realize if someone is having a stroke, and just consider a situation odd.  But having had one relative die of a stroke, another suffer a stroke, my awareness of my father having a stroke following surgery for lung cancer led to a discovery that was definitely unexpected.

My father had just has part of his lung removed for cancer.  The surgery went as anticipated, but his recovery took longer.  He would not wake up.  When he was finally alert, they brought him to his room.  But after the first 48 hours, he was expected to resume normal behaviors such as eating and drinking.  Instead, clearly  my dad was confused.  Both my brother and I witnessed several odd circumstances such as my father claiming to need his glasses to eat, he could not see the food and coffee placed in front of him.  I knew my father wore glasses, but not every moment.  He was not blind, and definitely did not need glasses to see things directly in front of him.

But when a certain food item was placed in front of him, a conversation started that would probably save his life.  A particular food item sparked my dad’s appetite, a mozzarella stick that I purchased down in the hospital cafeteria.  Yes, I know, an odd food choice served by a hospital, but I was glad to have it, trying to get him to eat.  He took a bite and then offered the following compliment, “this is good… how did they make it so soft?”  I thought my dad was just goofing around, though he normally does not have that type of humor.  I told him, “Dad, it’s a mozzarella stick.”  And then he sternly responded, “NO, it’s a carrot stick.”  We exchanged back and forth a couple of times, but clearly my dad was not joking.  My brother and I looked at each other and knew something was wrong.

The sad thing is, a doctor was just in to see my father, and pretty much pronounced him, “recovering well.”  But following that conversation with my dad, I dragged the doctor back in, and then a neurologist was called in, and yes, after further testing, my father had not only suffered a stroke, but two of them.  And more effects from the stroke would be discovered.

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A family member is the best opportunity for a quick response to someone having a stroke.  We know how our loved ones act, speak, walk, and go about daily activities.  And just because they do something odd, does not mean that they have suffered a stroke, it could have just been a moment.  But being aware of the following expression, might just make a difference to someone you know and/or love:

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The clip art on this post, were all taken from the American Heart Association and American Stroke Association web sites.  But one word, FAST, says it all.  Fast not only describes the symptoms and response needed, but also tells you how quickly you need to react.

You can make a difference.

A New Kind Of Mother’s Day


I hope that everyone who celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday, had a wonderful day.  If you are a mom, or a dad in the role of “mom”, you earn this day every year.

Holidays for me have always been difficult for me to deal with, but I get through them.  When we adopted our daughters, those issues seem to disappear for awhile for the sake of our children.  In recent years, those issues have returned  Having had to deal with several major lifestyle changes, I have found it difficult to focus on the meaning of the holidays, let alone celebrate them.

I made a choice last year, to move to another state, following the proceedings of my divorce (the reasons will not be discussed in this post, as they are inappropriate for this topic).  So I am more than a thousand miles away from my mother for the first time in my life.  Situations being what they are, she was more than glad to get a simple phone call, wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day, as well as some other chit chat.  It has been nearly six months since I have seen her, and currently, there is no time frame when we will spend time together anytime soon.  Here is a recent picture of my mother with my daughters at a school function.

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Okay, so for those following the score at home, yes, my daughters are also more than a thousand miles away from me as well.  And it is very difficult for all three of us, but it currently is what is best.

Now I will not post any picture of the girls with their mother for one reason only, that I do not have permission to do so.  And it should be expected, after all, when two divorce, it is rare that the couples do not become adversaries.  If they could remain allies, then the need for divorce would not be there.  And while last year, was the first Mother’s Day since the divorce filing, and court proceedings were held during that month, along with the passing of my father, I really did not pay any attention to Mother’s Day last year.

But this year I did.  The one thing that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I will always have in common, is that we will always be our daughters’ parents.  There will be no others.  Sure, there is likely to be at least one step parent at some point, but they will have only one mother and one father.  Husband and wives divorce, but not parents.  Parents have a responsibility to continue to co-parent their children.  And even though I am so far away, I remain in their lives whether it be in school or personal.

I make sure that our daughters know that I stand by most of the things that their mother decides, and for those that I do not, I am careful not to criticize their mother because one parent should never undermine the other.  They do not ever hear anything bad come from my mouth about their mother.  Anyone who should come into my STBX’s life, I let my daughters know that I am happy for her.  It is important that my daughters know that I will never put them in the middle of what is going on between their mother and I.

So yes, yesterday, I did wish my STBX a Happy Mother’s Day.  And I also told my daughters that I hoped they had a fun and enjoyable day with their mother.

Of course, I also encouraged them to call their grandmother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day as well.

But for many, there are those who have very understandable reasons to find sorrow in this day.  I know many people who are dealing with this holiday for the first time without their mother due to illness or tragedy.  And just as painful, if not more so, is a mother trying to deal with a day, having lost a child, again, due to illness or tragedy.  My heart definitely goes out to each an every one of you on this day.

On a final note, someone who came into our lives more than ten years ago, was a merchant in China, named Anne.  One of the more friendly locals we met, and still keep in touch with today, has something to definitely be thankful for.

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We met Anne on our first trip to adopt our oldest, and then ran into her again when we adopted our youngest.  Anne has probably met more than a thousand families and will be forever remembered for her friendliness.  But today, it is her turn as she finally becomes a mother herself.  So, Happy Mother’s Day Anne, and congratulations!

Setting And Reaching A Goal


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I am a major football fan.  I am not however a fan of the “field goal” whereas a team gives up trying for extra yards towards the end zone and tries to kick the football through the yellow uprights for just 3 points, a consolation for failing to score 6 points.  That being said, when the pressure is really on, and it is only a matter of seconds left in the game, and those three points make a difference?  And the ball is lined up on the 45 yard line, making the actual effort more like 62 yards (10 for the end zone distance plus the actual yardage, and 7 yards for where the ball will be placed to kick it from), that effort really is a major attempt.

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So that is the analogy that I am going to make for this post.  That no matter what the odds are of scoring, or “achieving a goal”, no matter the hurdles against you, goals can be reached.

This post was brought on by a simple question to me the other day, “what is your goal?”  That is a pretty open ended question, quite vague, but I am a simple person, and I responded in such, “to be with my children again.”  Then he person realized I did not give him the answer he was looking for.  And yet, he repeated the question, in exactly the same form, “no, what is your goal?”  And I answered him the same response, “to be with my children again.”

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You see, I know how to reach goal.  And I know what my goal is, to be with my children again, hopefully very soon.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, my goal was to beat the cancer.  When I had my open heart surgery, my goal was to fully recover and get back to a normal life.  I am one for two with that one.

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Realizing the error of the structure of the question, he adjusted himself, “how do you plan to achieve a goal you set for yourself?”  Very different.  But unfortunately now, I had become a bit contrary and decided to toy with him and his intrusion, looking for details.  He had been looking for “pre goals” which I consider more “steps” to reaching my goal.

But I have a unique method of reaching my goals that I set.  I set the goal, and instead of working on steps to the goal, I work backwards.  It is an approach I learned from Norman Vincent Peale called, “Positive Imaging.”  I simply “see” myself at my goal, and then I work backwards.  Because I can see myself at my goal, in my mind, I have made it there, and all I need to do is “see” how I got there.  And because I am successful in “seeing” my goal, I work backwards from my goal.  Because I “see” the success, I take the final step prior to that, which was successful, and then the step prior to that.

It is an approach that has worked for me every time that I have faced a difficult time in my life.  And this period of my life is no exception.  Because my emotions are involved with this goal, being with my daughters again, I need to make sure that all of my thought processes are clear.  But if I were to set my goal, and work from the beginning, of the chaos and struggles that I am dealing with, I am focusing all of my attention on what is keeping me from reaching my goal because I am not seeing the success of each step until I take that step, unlike my way, where I see every successful step before I have taken it.

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And this works for me.  And it will work for this goal that I have set.  And because that goal will get recognized, I know that having done that, I will have met every “pre goal” or beaten every hurdle thrown at me.  I do not need to set multiple little goals, I have only one major goal.

I will be with my daughters again… and the sooner the better.

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