Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

13 Apr 2020
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Thanks For Ruining A Good Movie


“Groundhog Day.”  A funny movie about a little town in Punxatawny, Pennsylvania and a furry little rodent who is either going to piss off an entire country or make them happy, after he himself is yanked from his comfortable home, his reaction to his shadow is to predict the end of Winter.  In the movie, the main character, filming the story of the groundhog and town, relieves the same day, over and over, and over, that same day being Groundhog Day.  The ironic thing is that the movie was not filmed in Punxatawny, though there is a lot of memorabilia and stories all over this sleepy little area.

Today, Groundhog Day has a different meaning.  Because of Coronoa Virus, for the majority of Americans who do not believe this to be a hoax, and have a genuine interest in wanting to do their part to end this pandemic, are living in their own Groundhog Day.

We wake up.  Maybe watch a little television in the morning.  Perhaps go for a walk.  Squeeze in some reading we have been meaning to do.  Some have actually discovered that they have a family, or what it is like to have to spend time with them.  Cooking skills are being tested and perfected.  Old dogs are learning new tricks with technology, socializing through either Facebook, HouseParty, or Zoom.

For at least thirty days, some longer, this has been the routine, day after day.  And according to the experts who know better, the scientists, this is going to be going on much longer.  We are living our own Groundhog Day.  As one of my friends put it, “don’t look at it as being trapped at home,” but rather “safe at home.”

For most of us, this “reset”, has returned households back to a time, when schedules did not matter, time with loved ones and sharing traditions mattered.  Being restricted to our homes, unable to make sports practices or chorus rehearsals, meetings, part time or full time work, we have gone from hardly getting to spend any time with our families, to being able to watch and relish these special moments we would never have had.

Like others, my days are pretty much the same.  I make my breakfast, followed by a walk.  I will look through the que of stories I have started to write here and decide if I want to finish even one, or start another.  I am making progress on the book I have always wanted to write.  Since I am not getting as much exercise I would like, and this virus being one that attacks the lungs, and me having predispositions because of damage from my cancer treatments, if you walk by, you are likely to hear me singing, which helps me to stretch out my lung capacity.  As I rely on music to help me relax, I have once again dusted off my guitar.  And thanks to so many networks offering free movies and streaming services, there is no reason for me to leave the television.  I also have plenty of time to work on my cooking skills, something I enjoy.

As the reality set in about the possible duration of this pandemic, so did the concern for our fur friends, mainly, could the virus be transmitted from them.

The answer is NO!

In fact, if you have ever been a pet owner, it is during times like we are experiencing, that fur friends can get us through “social distancing” or “stay at home.”  Even better, humane societies and animal shelters all over were encouraging everyone to “foster” out a fur friend.  Sure this could likely result in a permanent situation, like that would be so bad.  But at least temporarily, it would help out organizations that are already strapped financially and physically to capacity to care for.

And if my daughters are reading this, no, I have not gotten another dog or cat.  That is not to say that I have not thought about it.  But I still mourn the loss of my last fur friend, Pollo.

But I have a problem along with my grief.  I have been watching “dog movies” again.  The offer of free movies on premium channels and streaming others, I have been watching favorites like “A Dog’s Purpose,” “A Dog’s Journey,” “Marley And Me,” and so many others.

I do it to myself.

At least I know that my love for a fur friend still is there, and that some day, I might just open my door and heart to another.  And while I like the premise of the “dog’s purpose,” it would be cool if somehow I might see my fur friend Pollo again.  I have been asked, if I would recognize him if he came back, as a different breed, or even a different gender, I know that I would.

I do know that he would be the best to be “at home with”, as he and I shared a lot of time with each other while I was recovering from all of the health crisis I have faced during my survivorship.

But for now, I look at pictures.  A lot of pictures.  My daughters.  Friends.  Places.

Honestly, I have lost track of the day of the week, the number of the date.  Just like when I was going through my treatments, I did not focus on the calendar.  If I did, and I was told that it would have to be longer, that news would be devastating.  So I just did, every day, one day at a time, and that end would come.

I never counted how many times the sun came up, and the sun went down.  But an end came to the most difficult time of my life.  And it happened by just going one day at a time, not worried about how many ahead, or how many had gone by.

And that was the genius of the movie “Groundhog Day.”  All except for the main character, had not realized they were living the same day, over and over again and had no problem repeating everything done just the day before.  It was only the main character who was aware of what was going on, that had the difficulty of dealing with the situation.

That is how we get through Covid19.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation
10 Apr 2020

How I Will Celebrate Easter This Year


It took a long time for me to open my heart to the holidays following my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  My diagnosis and conclusion all occurred around major holidays.  I kept my heart open to the religious aspects of the holidays, but as far as the commercial end, I really wanted nothing to do with the “happy” part of holidays.

It took the adoption of my daughters, the return to the innocence of the holidays for me to once again look forward to the Easter bunny and Santa Claus.  They would be raised with the religious aspects as well, but I can honestly tell you, there is nothing like the excitement and anticipation of watching your own children, rush downstairs in anticipation for what waited for them.

It was important that I carried on the traditions that I enjoyed as a child.  With my daughters being Asian, tradition is something that is one of the most important things to the Asian culture, and I wanted them to know not only Asian traditions, but American as well.

With three families to visit on Easter, Easter was the only holiday that my father had top priority with my daughters.  My dad really enjoyed this holiday with his granddaughters.  An annual tradition, was having an Easter egg hunt in his back yard, followed by a high salt ham dinner, prepared by him.  This continued until his passing in 2014.

My daughters also know this time period being difficult for me, as in 2008, just a few weeks after Easter, I learned the major way my life would change, due to late developing side effects caused from my cancer treatments.  The first such side effect, I was dying from a “widow maker” heart condition, blockage of my heart, resulting in  emergency open heart surgery.

Several years later, I filed for divorce.  As is common with divorce, there has to be an agreement with custody.  I do not refer to them as visitation, as I do not consider myself a visitor.  I am the father of my daughters, and they are with me at certain times of the year as agreed.

Already mentioning holidays not having the same value as they would for their mother, I agreed to have my daughters spend the Easter holiday with their mother, while I would still have them during the Easter break period.

And that is how it has been for the years that followed, until now.

The hardest decision that I had to make, actually several times now, has been to cancel time with my daughters.  The crisis with Corona Virus which has affected the world, has affected so many lives beyond just the health and safety levels.

While my daughters were not even born when I dealt with my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, they were there when I had my open heart surgery, and several other times, when I faced a medical emergency, including watching me be carried out of my home at 4am in the morning by ambulance, dying from septic pneumonia.  I control what my daughters hear from me in regard to the virus itself, and the possible impact with me.  But they definitely understand the risk and danger with the various exposures  of travelling to see each other.  While science points that the virus is not as much as a risk to youth, they do not want to see anything happen to me.

For the first time, I am unable to actually spend time with my daughters during this holiday period.  And it does weigh heavy on my heart.

One thing that I have always done with them is spend at least some time, in church.  Two years ago, I took them to the church where I used to run a youth group.  On Good Friday every year, the church would hold a very somber service, entirely by its youth.  It was a very powerful and symbolic service that would culminate in the service ending in darkness, and departing in silence, to wait for Easter.  My daughters enjoyed that particular service.  They understand the role of religion in my life, and what role I want it to play in their lives.

This virus has different plans though.  And for the first time, there is no church for me, at least in person.  It is not a hard decision, in spite of government officials not having the guts themselves to make the decision, not to physically attend church.  With technology available, churches have a variety of resources to broadcast services, through radio, television, or streaming.  In spite of this, there are still some churches that feel that it is their responsibility to hold services, even if God allows congregational members to contract and possibly die from the virus.  It would be God’s plan.

That is not the God that I grew up with.

I have made the sacrifices that I have had to make in regard to spending time with my daughters, so that not only would I not contract the virus, but put others at risk.  It really is not that much to ask, for a brief time period, to ask churches to do the right thing, and keep their doors closed, physically, not spiritually and technologically while our country does its best to eliminate this crisis.  I want to spend time with my daughters as much as church goers want to attend church Easter Sunday.  But lives depend on the decisions that we make.

For me, that decision is easy.  Stay home.

Happy Easter.   There is always next year.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
09 Apr 2020
2 Comments

Kind Kimbra


Yesterday, I was informed of the passing of a fellow long term Hodgkin’s survivor, Kimbra.  She was younger than I am, but Kimbra was actually someone that I looked up to, because she had survived Hodgkin’s a bit longer than me.  Kimbra was also a dedicated reader of “Paul’s Heart”, frequently offering comments and suggestions on the many posts that I had written over the years.

The one thing that was always, and I mean ALWAYS consistent about Kimbra, was her kindness, and her encouragement.  Whether replying to my blog, or personally, she always acknowledged any pain I may have been experiencing at a particular time, then followed it up with reminders of internal strength that had gotten me through previous issues.

And it was not just me that Kimbra was like that with her kindness.  As I passed along the information of Kimbra’s passing to various peer groups that we belonged to mutually, the outpouring of grief among kindness proves just how much someone who really was not about herself and her needs and issues, but being there for others in their times of need.  Here are just some of the ways Kimbra has been described by those who were blessed to know her:

“enjoyed communicating with her and learning from her”

“fought a good fight and her words and deeds will be define her life”

“she was a bright light”

“kind and generous”

“a beautiful person who shared her knowledge and experiences”

“a giver of knowledge and seeker of light”

If I were to describe how I knew Kimbra, I soon found out just how wrong I was after reading the many words of condolences.  It was not that she was just private, she was humble.  She always seemed to feel that others situations were worse than her own.  I remember the many conversations thinking how selfish I may have been taking up so much of her time working through a survivor issue, when in reality, her selflessness, she reached out to as many as she was possibly able.  Many other survivors have relayed stories of support that they had gotten from Kimbra.

Kimbra will indeed be missed by many, not just her fellow cancer survivors, but her loving husband and family, and the many friends and parishoners of her faith that actually got to spend so much time with her.  Too short a time on this earth, but so much she gave to all of us.

Too young.  Too soon.

 

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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