Paul's Heart

Running Out Of Summer Memories

I have a lot more Summers behind me, than I have ahead of me. Memories that I have of Summers in my youth are only slightly more than the photos I have as pictured above, not many of those either. I recall this little hard plastic shell pool, filled up with garden hose water. Once school age, I graduated to the town swimming pool, eventually learning to swim and jump off the high diving board (and learn the hard way what a “belly flop” was).

(picture from Google pics)

The other frequent activity during the Summer was the weekly trip to Shankweiler’s Drive-in to see a double-feature movie. Since it is likely that noone after Gen-X has any idea what this was like, allow me to describe it. You park your car in front of a giant movie screen. There were likely two movies being shown; a younger age-appropriate movie, then a movie for the older crowds, the first starting once it was dark enough. You hung a two pound speaker on your car window for everyone in the car to hear the sound, or as others did, simply set up lawn chairs or sat on the back of a pick-up or station wagon. In between the movies, there was a rush to the bathrooms, the refreshment stand, and to the playground directly below the screen. You were a real boss if you stayed awake for the entire second movie, and had enough mosquito bites to “connect the dots” with a Sharpie.

Toward the end of my youth, my Summers were spent working. One of the best seasonal jobs for teens was a local amusement park. I spent a lot of visits at Dorney Park as a child, and it was a totally different experience operating the games and rides. But still, I had so many memories. I just do not have a lot of photos.

There would be even less photos in my twenties, as my life was interrupted by a cancer diagnosis, Hodgkin’s Lympoma. There was no social media or internet at the time, so there was no desire or behavior to take pictures. There were two weddings over the next decade and a half, but as they both ended in divorce, those are pictures that won’t get posted. Besides, other than the weddings, my Summers were spent working, especially overtime, no need for pictures of that.

But with parenthood, came a new approach to Summers, and a lot more photos, much to my daughters chagrines. For the last twenty years, although I had worked many hours during the first ten years, my memories are as clear as the photos that I put together in photo album number one (500 photos).

We took trips to the beach, travelled to various places. I even pulled off the ultimate trip, to a “super Con”, where my daughters got to meet some of their favorite Manga characters. It should be noted, I also got to meet some celebrities in attendance as well, such as the original Karate Kid, Ralph Machio, pro Wrestler, Jerry Lawler, and the one and only Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.

But as much fun as I could pack into the two months of Summer break for my daughters, there was one thing I felt was important to be done, every Summer. It was not fun, well, not really, but necessary. In full transparency, I did not have a lot of support with school, just a reaction when I would flash my report card (again, for millenials and Gen-Z, these were paper copies of the grades that were sent home each marking period). I really had no role model for how to parent my children during the Summer breaks. But as my daughters were both good and hard working students, my fear would be during the Summer, if there were not some sort of learning exercises, even just fifteen minutes per day, that could lead to some habits making it hard to get back into the groove once the Fall rolled around.

Each year during the Summer, every day, usually during the time I would be getting ready for us to go out, I had my daughters complete a few worksheets of exercises from reading to math and other learning opportunities. It wasn’t tedious or boring. Most importantly, it kept them in the habit of “learning.”

Those workbooks stopped being a “thing” around the beginning of middle school. And as my daughters got older, while we enjoyed our Summers with each other, I felt it became more important for me to start sharing things that they would need to learn as they got older, to prepare them for adulthood. Again, not having the typical examples set for me to learn responsibility, I had in my head things that I felt were important for them to learn, such as learning to save money, budget, and prioritize needs and wants. I wanted to make sure that as they came of dating age, that they “took care of themselves” from a hygiene point of view and more importantly, what to expect of anyone interested in having a relationship with them. I wanted them to learn money management, responsibility, and decision making. I took opportunities to have them learn first aid, visit historical museums, and volunteer visiting animals in shelters.

There are no bigger opportunities for decision making than they have as adults now. With the custody order officially closed due to both aging out, they alone are now the ones who make the decisions to visit me here in Florida. They know they constant reference to “Cats In The Cradle” by Harry Chapin, and were are now at the point of their college tenure, balanced with working during breaks, and spending time with the tri-fecta package of mother/father/friends with any available time. I have made it clear, as I have warned them that their “free” time was going to be even less these days, and I know that time would have to be shared in many directions. I asked both only one thing, something that has really become a tradition, and emphasized to them even more important than spending holidays, if at all possible, all efforts made to spend Father’s Day with each other, as we have done every year (with the exception of two years that were beyond my control and will not be discussed in this post). It is just now, instead of spending most of the Summer following the weekend of Father’s Day with me, I have taken as much pressure off of them, and asked only a few days of that holiday weekend. Any other time of the year, we will make arrangements as we can, based on schedules, and likely even split between both my daughters as their schedules will not always align.

But there is one final thing that I did need to discuss with my “now adult” daughters, while I had them in front of me, not to be discussed over the phone or by text messaging. My daughters are aware of my health history, part of which they have read about in my book, “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor” and my history with cancer, but it has been the second half of their life, that they have personally witnessed the many episodes of ill health I have faced due to the treatments from my cancer. For years, they have been told by many close to them, that I was “fine,” in clear contrast to what they were being told by me. In recent years, and even in spite of Covid19 policies, through Facetime, my daughters were able to be with me during my 3rd heart surgery, to replace my aortic valve. My daughters know my health is far from “fine,” and those who try to convince my daughters otherwise in an attempt to portray me to their advantage are only hurting their relationships with my daughters.

My daughters know I have legal documents in place as to my “living directives,” what will happen to me, should I be unable to decide my medical care for myself, but my wishes stated in writing and certified. But there was one thing I needed to discuss with them. A recent visit and CT scan, has led to a new level of an old concern that I have been aware of for sixteen years. There is a new term being used in the results of that scan, besides the characteristics continuing to have changed, “adenocarcinoma” (cancer) is now being mentioned in my report on my one lung. Though the circumstances behind their grandfather dying from lung cancer (a smoker), and a nodule on my lung (likely from radiation treatments 35 years ago), I wanted to have the discussion with them in person so that they could see, that currently, adenocarcinoma is just a word being used, and the type, unlike my father’s cancer, is a slow enough developing cancer, that it is quite possible nothing may be done with it, that my mortality would have an end due to a different issue before this cancer would have any impact. But my daughters would hear everything from me, not what “others” wanted to tell them.

Sure, hearing the word “cancer” is scary whether you are the patient, family, or friend. I knew of this news for a couple of months, trying to figure how I would discuss this with my daughters, knowing that hearing “lung cancer” would detour their thoughts to their grandfather. My situation is completely different, and right now, manageable.

No, not the way I had planned our last Summer together of the final phase of their childhoods, but I definitely feel a lot better knowing the heads that they have on their shoulders are more thoughtful, empathetic, and definitely have learned that the things they are doing today, are going to lead to opportunities tomorrow.

All too often, non-custodial parents, usually fathers, are referred to as “Disney Dads,” a really bad stereotype, implying that since the parent is allowed only minimal time with their child, it is always spent doing “fun” things like going to amusement parks, or the beach, not doing any of the hard stuff. Not only did I find this term offensive when I first heard it, I fought any attempt and opportunity to level that claim at me. The truth is, to this day, regardless of how much time I get to spend with my daughters, and in the future with my daughters, I have not changed. I am still about memories and lessons as I know they are not far away from the next phases of their lives, serious relationships and personal responisibilities. They will hit the ground running once they graduate college and hopefully secure good jobs, remember the things that I taught them, and then live their own “cats in the cradle” lives. My second photo album of 500 photos has already begun being filled, and will hopefully include more faces in the future.