Paul's Heart

A New Normal

There are common thoughts in the journey of cancer and survivorship. From diagnosis through treatment, I know that all that I wanted to know was long term survivorship possible, beyond the five years that I constantly kept hearing about? Strangely, once I completed my treatments, combined with achieving the status of remission, my thoughts quickly turned from long term survival, to when does my life get back to what it used to be, “normal.”

While the cancer experience is definitely physically demanding, enough attention does not get paid to the emotional and mental toll that is taken on the patient. Sure, there is fatigue, fear, doubt, stress, paranoia and more that swirl around in the mind of someone going through cancer. One thing that we do not realize happens during the time from diagnosis through treatments, unbeknownst to us, we lose something very important to us. And we do not recognize it until after we are done with treatments, yet it plays a very important role in us moving on in our lives, in our survivorship, control. We go from doing what we want, when we want, to, you have to be here at this time, we are going to do this at this time, and a patient has no control of that. Decisions are no longer made by the patient, but by those providing the care. And it is in our best interest to do as they are recommending if we want to reach remission.

When we lose things, such as our car keys, our wallet, material things, it produces an inconvenient anxiety. When a loved one is “lost” or passes away, we mourn or grieve. The loss of control then, I feel would fall in between those two extremes. Without any thought, once treatments are over, the “keys” are handed back over to us, and we are supposedly back in control. But why does it not feel that way then? If the treatments and the tests are done, when does it start to feel “normal” again?

Control and normal are two different things, yet combined create an interesting dynamic, an experience that must be dealt with, and accepted. Soon, we realize what that loss of control did, and what it took from us, normalcy. And once we realize what we considered “normal”, and that particular “normal” is gone forever, we soon come to terms, this permanent loss, is similar to the loss we experience when someone passes, and must be grieved. We need to give ourselves the chance mourn what we looked at as what was normal in our lives, before the cancer.

Unlike the passing of a loved one, we have a hope or even a second chance with remission at normalcy, but something we in the circle of survivors call “the new normal.” As a cancer survivor, we all get this new normal, and it is exactly that, new and whatever we want to consider as being typical in our lives going forward.

What exactly is normal? What do you consider normal? What makes things or life normal? If normalcy is based on never seeing doctors again once in remission and totally forgetting you had cancer, nope, not going to happen. That normal is gone. Over decades, medicine has finally recognized late developing side effects as a reality, not necessarily for all, but for some, and the problem is no one knows who will develop these late effects. Therefore, ALL cancer survivors should continue following up with their primary care doctors once they are released from their oncologist, with guidelines from the oncologist what issues to keep an eye out to potentially occur, not definitely, but possibly. That is a new “normal” especially if you are not one to have ever seen a doctor regularly (besides the oncologist).

Aside from the medical new “normal,” I have come to realize that each day brings a new “normal.” And because I am someone who has a variety of late developing side effects, the “normal” for that day depends on if any of those effects are gathering attention or not. What I have found, and actually accepted, is that this is okay. Another new “normal” I have been able to achieve, is how I deal with stress, much better.

Perhaps my most important “normal” however, are my daughters. Becoming a Dad, now decades ago (a surreal thing to say as a cancer survivor), has been the most normal part of my life. There are no quotes around the word normal this time, because you can quote me on this, for me, becoming a parent has been the best kind of normal I have gotten to experience. And each day, I look to build on that normal.

The truth is, normal is what you make it. And that is what makes it “new” after a battle with cancer. Because now, you, the individual are the one deciding what is normal.