Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

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02 Apr 2015

Children Of Divorce


This post is not about my own personal situation, nor will it discuss any details about my personal situation.  Examples listed in this post are just that, examples, which hope to bring awareness and understanding to a difficult situation that many families deal with.

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No one is more aware of the emotional impact on children, from the divorce process itself, than someone who once was a child of a divorced family.  Of course, there are the cynics who will refer to divorce statistics to reinforce and coerce potential suitors of the potential marital future of any suitor.  And then of course, there are those who offer unsolicited judgment in the form of criticism as the only form of support.  A former psych major in college, I can tell you that books, opinions, and statistics pale in comparison and meaning when actually dealing with a child caught in the middle of a divorce.

People need to understand, that using statistics as a way to sway or pressure someone to somehow prove everyone wrong by staying in a bad relationship, or by insinuating that the children have been through enough trauma in their life (for whatever reason), that it should be better for them to continue life in a home of constant stress and turmoil, than go through the divorce process.  Quite the contrary.  To continue to subject children to the typical hostile environment of a bad relationship, married or not, is child abuse.  FLAT OUT CHILD ABUSE if you continue to leave your children in that environment.

It is much better to have the differences between parents separated, to be dealt with between the parents, than to put the children at risk of being emotional collateral damage.  As Dr. Phil states, “it is better for a child to be from a broken home than to live in one.”  Children have amazing hearing when they want to.  They also want to be able to have unrestricted and unsuspect conversations with both parents.  Children are not pawns.

Statistically, yes, I am now second generation divorced.  I proved the statistics correct.  But more powerful than the statistic is that I know what it is like to be a child of a divorced family, and experience means multitudes more than any information provided by books.  I know what my daughters are feeling right now.  I also know and understand what my parents had to deal with.  This should be a good thing and help in protecting the children and keeping the emotional scarring to a minimum.

But there are so many in the world, who have not had any experience with a divorce, other than receiving or observing input provided by bias family members and friends who may or may not have gone through a divorce.  For many, opinions and recommended by nothing more than “bandwagon jumpers”, totally unaware of the complete history of the relationship, and rely solely on, “stick it to him/her.”

Again, I am not referencing my own situation.  I will not discuss those details.  This post is about providing awareness.  Awareness that I am indeed trying to practice what I preach, but to also let others know, who are in the process of a divorce, the children’s well-being need to be considered first and foremost.  Would the children actually be better off if the parents did not get divorced?  How to protect the children from comments not only from within the four walls of their home, but also from mean-spirited playmates?

The potential dangers are of serious concern.  And regardless of my experience as a child of divorce, that does not necessarily mean that I can prevent these things from happening to my children.  But rather, by being aware of them, I know the potential things to keep an eye out for signs.  I refuse to be a parent who claims “I didn’t know”.  So I would like to share with those of you, dealing with divorce and custody things that I have learned or experienced when children are involved.

For most children, having both parents in the home (not being insensitive to those who were brought into family with only one parent), having both mom and dad is all that they have ever known.  Even when the time has come that both parents do separate activities and rarely spend time together as a family, holding hands, kissing, simply cohabitating in the house, the children still see both parents at the same time.  Regardless of the problems, “mom and dad” are still together.  And it is important to make sure that no child ever feels as if they are to blame for the divorce.  And this feeling will develop if not careful to watch conversations around the child.

But when the two parents decide to separate and divorce, it does not take long for a child to figure out that one parent will no longer then be living in the house.  The relationship between mom and dad does not change ironically, because they have been acting in this manner for a long time.  But now the children recognize it.  Unless the children are shown that they will not have to prove loyalty to one parent or another, it will not take long until the children are drawn into the process itself.

My main intent when I left home was to make sure that my daughters understood two things.  Their mom was always going to be their mom, and I was always going to be their dad.  And we made it as positive an experience as I could, that our children would learn that they had two places to call home.

But children, while very intuitive and adaptable, are also capable of making their own opinions, and when you mix children who are about to enter puberty, or are already teenagers, divorce and custody can get very complicated.

As children get older, they already gain independence.  And children who struggle with divorce, have a tendency to grow even more independent.  And that could be understood.  Parents will be taking attention away from their children to deal with the divorce, and children soon learn to rely more on themselves for even the simplest of things.  But there is a reason why we do not let 8 year olds drive cars or legally permit 15 year olds consume alcohol, because they are not capable of making grown up decision.  Yet that is exactly what happens to a child who escalates this independence if not followed closely enough.

Suddenly, those that the children spend the majority of their time with, and not the custodial parent, are the ones who will make lasting impressions as well as enable the hurting child to erroneously make horrific and sometimes tragic decisions.  And it is amazing nonetheless to hear a parent proclaim that they had no idea, when a child’s school grades suffer, bad habits like smoking and underage and unprotected sex occur, and possibly worse, such as issues with legal incidents.

Things to be concerned about and watch for?  Depression, anxiety, smoking and drug use, and sexual activity.  To assume “not my child,” all but seals the deal that they will face those behaviors and activities.

I once kidded with my former spouse, when we first adopted our oldest, that she would constantly come to me first, when picked up from daycare.  After all, my ex was the soft and cushy parent, where as I was known as the strict one.  I explained that it was the security and dependability that she always got when she came to me.  Whereas with a softer parent, decisions are made on emotions, which are neither reliable or dependable.  So it should come as no surprise if either of my daughters should some how now describe me as being unreliable or dependable, because I am no longer with them 100% of the time.  Which is why, I spend each and every day talking to them through Facetime so that daily, they are reminded that  am still a major part of their lives.

It is important that a child knows, that love will never be lost between the parent and the child.  And that is difficult, because their only examples of true love are now in the process of divorce and separation.  And if it can happen to their parents, who is to say it will not happen between parent and child?  Emotional reactions will be determined most likely by their age.  Younger children may have a tendency to regress in behavior while older children may lash out in anger or other harmful behaviors.

Parents have to understand, in dealing with children and divorce, although “grieving” is most often affiliated with death, grieving is actually associated with any kind of loss, and that includes the loss of the family as a unit.  Children are not adults, but they will grieve just as adults.  The important thing to remember is to pay attention to the children even more so than when you did as a family unit.  There is nothing worse than hearing a parent say “I wish I had known” or “I never saw it coming.”

As a child of divorce, I have just told you.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
31 Mar 2015
2 Comments

My Dad Was Just Like Me


Every year, I make a contribution to a book called “Visible Ink.”  This is a book published via Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, written entirely by cancer patients and survivors.  This year, marked the seventh edition.  I submitted two pieces, and the following piece is the chapter that was selected for this year’s book.  The story is very personal to me, a tribute to my father who lost his battle of lung cancer last May.

Birth photo 1965 dad and I 1

“Like Father, like son.” A timeless expression echoed by the lyrics to the song, “Cats In The Cradle,” popularly recognized from Harry Chapin. The song tells the story of the birth of a son, the absence of the father in his life because he is trying to provide for his son. When the son is grown and on his own, the father tries to capture moments of fatherhood, only to find out his son is busy juggling his own life between work and family. One of the final lyrics in the song, the father says, “As I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he’d grown up just like me. My boy was just like me.”

last photo of my dad and I before his cancer

For years I had often wondered, what would have reminded my father about me. But it was during my father’s battle with lung cancer, I discovered a new expression, “like son, like Father.” Most people grow up with two main role models in their life, their parents. But how often does a child get thrust into the role of role model for a parent?

my dad

My father had reached out to me, a long term cancer survivor, because he had just received news that doctors think he might have lung cancer. Though the news should not have come as a shock for a sixty-year-smoker, a spot on his lung was confirmed by a PET scan. My father was now the fifth family member besides me, to be diagnosed with cancer. And up to this point, I was the only one who had survived.

most recent portrait

The times had changed dramatically even in just over two decades since I had been treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. There were better options available. Better technologies were to diagnose patients. Even the chemotherapy suites were more inviting, like a local coffee shop complete with meals and entertainment.

treatments

As time went on, my father underwent successful surgery to remove the tumor. Under doctor’s recommendations, my father underwent both chemotherapy and radiation therapies for preventative measures. It was during the radiation treatments, something went horribly wrong. Though there was no evidence of his lung cancer present during even the chemotherapy, some cells that had survived the chemo had transformed into an even more aggressive, and rapidly growing cancer.

We were all gathered by his side when the doctors came to discuss the situation with my father. His cancer was now terminal. My father always knew that lung cancer had been a possibility, and that he had cancer, and might die from it. But up until that moment, he believed he would beat it. Refusing to give up hope, although acknowledging the doctor’s prognosis, my dad’s response to the doctor’s final question, broke me down into tears due to the words, I was not prepared to hear.

The doctor and his care team had just explained to my father all the things that they would do to care for him, as the cancer progressed, to keep him comfortable. But my dad’s denial and defiance shined bright when the doctor asked, “What is one thing we can do for you right now?” My father responded, “I want to be a survivor like my son.” He pointed over to me as everyone in the room turned their heads in my direction.

the last photo with my dad

This hit me two ways. I beat my cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I had his genes, his personality, his pride, his determination, and perseverance. If anyone had a better chance of defying a cancer death sentence, it was my father. I survived cancer. My dad witnessed it could be done.

just before

But in that same moment, I saw his comment for what I truly think he meant. We never expressed feelings in my family, and up to that point, my father and I could have just been two ships passing in the night. But I took his words that I will always remember, he was telling me that he was proud of me. I had never heard that from my father before that moment.

He would live another three months. And as I sat by his bedside each and every day, we share memories that we remembered, and memories that we did not share in the past. We forgave each other for things we had done and said. And during the night before he passed, as he lapsed into a calm and peaceful state, for the first time in our lives, he heard my voice, not in spoken form, but in music. As I said goodbye to my father, who was a true survivor and just could not recognize it, I sang to him, the words that I could not speak, “Cats In The Cradle.”

his empty chair the day he passed

In the end “Dad”, your boy is just like you. I am glad we had the chance to know that.

Dad, I miss you so much.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
27 Mar 2015

Navigating The SSDI Process


In my last post, I wrote about the decision I had made a long time ago to work during my cancer treatments, and then also later in my life following emergency heart surgery, and the many issues that have followed it.  I mentioned that it was important to me to have the daily work distractions so that I did not sit at home worrying about the illness battles that I was facing.  Only to my shock, dealing with the petty jealousies of co-workers, and often harsh treatment by management, did I realize that removing myself from that environment, even if only temporary until it was deemed that I was able to return to a normal.  But sick pay would only last so long, and I would not have qualified for unemployment benefits.  And face it, I needed some form of income.

In 1956, an amendment to the Social Security Act of 1934 was made to include benefits for those deemed “disabled”.  The law was fairly plain and very restrictive.  You had to be between 50 and 65 years old, totally disabled, and there would have to be a six month waiting period – the reason being, if you were going to be able to return to work fully, then you were considered temporarily disabled and therefore you would not qualify for benefits.  Your condition had to be terminal, lead to your death, or be of “long and indefinite duration.”

I am not an expert in SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance).  I have heard the frustrated process by so many other long term cancer survivors who really, I have no idea how or why they were put through the process that they were, because their conditions were so extreme, it should have been a no-brainer.  But last year, I had no choice myself, but to go down the SSDI path.  While no one disputes the number of diagnosis I have as disabilities, how severe many of them are, how many will grow worse over time, or the risks that a fatal event could occur, that does not guarantee any kind of SSDI benefits.  But due to corporate downsizing by my former employer in 2014, I was about to lose my job of over 17 years, of which my employer had accommodated my many physical work restrictions as required by the Americans With Disabilities Act until then, and as available work became less and less, they could no longer accommodate my restrictions, setting me on the path of disability instead.

Let me be clear.  I am not seeking any kind of pity.  But by the same token, I did not ask for all of these awful things to happen to me (see “Pages” for my side effects that I deal with).  And the one time I dared to state to one of my doctors who treat me today, “maybe I deserve all of this shit as my trade off for surviving my cancer.  After all, if I had only lived the five years, I would not have had all this stuff to deal with.”  Yes, I actually said that.  And then he tore my ass apart with a tirade that would have been more appropriate to come from a drill instructor at boot camp.  At that point, I would never allow myself to think I deserved all the medical issues I have today, but rather need to learn to accept them and live with them.

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And so, as the picture above shows, it is fairly vague, but it should not be that hard to determine someone who qualifies for SSDI, yet so many people get denied those benefits. In my 25 years in the cancer world, I have yet to ever meet anyone who has been approved for SSDI on the original application, though I am sure it has had to happen.  But it was my own process which I began last year, which I have now begun to learn just how hard it is to get SSDI.

In summary, I deal with cardiac issues, lung issues, spine, muscular, gastrointestinal, neurological, endocrine, and PTSD related issues.  As many of other long term survivors I know, I anticipated being denied on the application, though a close friend to me, felt I would definitely be one to be approved because of how severe everything is for me.  But I was denied.  I had submitted every medical document I had, letters from all of my doctors testifying to my prognosis and the disabilities themselves.

So the next step was to secure an attorney “pro bono” (they only get paid if I win my appeal), who would have experience in filling in the blanks that caused the denial.  This was usually the step that would successfully overturn the denials for my fellow survivors.  I was asked for any “new” or current evidence, which of course there had not been any in the last two months, which with my health, I was glad.  But when I expected a more thorough review of my case, instead what I got was pure WTF! (what the heck…cleaned up).  My reconsideration was denied on the basis of my original denial – I could communicate, I could handle normal stress, and I could take care of myself.  The stress thing threw me for a loop, and the local Social Security Office was going to see how I handled abnormal stress, which is a huge concern for me.

Eventually I would have a supervisor come out and talk to me, to try to calm me down, to explain the process.  He supports my case and my reasons for getting SSDI, and feels that at some point, I will get approved, but it is not up to him, I have to go through the process.  I am paraphrasing, but here is how I took the explanation.

I was denied on the original application because I did not meet the definition of 100% disabled.  Now by looking at the law that was written in 1956, is said nothing about being 100%, just that it would have to be for a long duration or leading to death.  But something happened in 1959, the law changed after a law suit was filed resulting from a denied application, and the applicant lost.  Before I get to that, it was explained to me by the supervisor, that it is still up to the person reviewing the application, but if it is denied, the person reviewing the application most likely denied me based on the letter of the law as of 1959.  And then the supervisor began to explain to me, the changes in the SSDI Act in 1959.

Dave Baldridge of Kentucky, a coal miner, had his career terminated by his employer due to what his employer even agreed, was a disability related to his working in the coal mines.  But the government disagreed, and Baldridge pursued multiple actions of appeal only to eventually lose.  While many today win their appeals, with better representation and better demonstration of their disabilities and their ability to have gainful employment like they had when they were not disabled, it was the decision of Baldridge’s case that led to nearly everyone being denied SSDI on the first step of the application process.

A dreadful and disgusting example the supervisor gave me of someone who is sure to be denied SSDI?  An Iraq war vet who gets his leg blown off during battle does not meet the 1959 definition of completely disabled.  While no one will argue that he is disabled, the SSA will claim he is not 100% disabled and therefore should be able to find gainful employment.  But what happens when you cannot find that employment?

Alright, so it is disgusting enough how many cases we as human beings feel would be legitimate cases for SSDI actually get turned down because of this outdated law, it was during the first step of the appeal process which baffled me completely.  This was the stage where many of my other fellow survivors dealing with their effects would end up having their appeals won.  And I figured with everything that I had submitted, that I would end up being approved also.  But again, I had been denied.  An here is what had happened.

The supervisor explained to me, that in spite of all the documentation I submitted, and definitely supported my arguments, the person reviewing the application probably never even looked at the documents, because based on the information on the application alone, I did not meet that 1959 definition.  My attorney requested all the information again from all my doctors, which the SSA already had.  But for some reason, the paperwork did not arrive in time, before the reconsideration was ruled, and again, I was denied because no new information had been submitted in time for the consideration.

I blew a major gasket.  THEY HAD ALL THE MEDICAL INFORMATION ALL THE TIME!!  I SUBMITTED ALL THAT PAPERWORK WITH THE ORIGINAL APPLICATION!!  The supervisor understood my frustration at what I definitely considered splitting hairs.  Had the SSA officially received the second set of documentation that they already possessed the original, there was a likelihood that my case would have been dealt with then and there.

And so, just like Baldridge, my case is headed for trial.  And the amazing thing is, that in spite of all the appeals that have been won by going through the lengthy and tedious and costly appeal process, the ruling in 1959 is still what drives this process instead of updating the law.

We pay for this benefit when we work.  That is one of the requirements, you had to have worked for a certain time.  Which I have been employed for over 34 years.  And through no fault of my own, I have multiple disabilities that restrict me from getting gainful employment.  I have been very clear on this blog the amount of physical restrictions I have when it comes to working.  And they will never get better, only gradually get worse.  In some cases, some will need to get bad enough to deal with that the risk of correction outweighs the risks of a fatal medical event.

So after all this, my point is this… to those of you who are going to be dealing with an illness or disability that is severe enough that you expect to not have an income or health benefits, start the process as soon as you can.  You cannot afford to add the stress of appeal after appeal fighting for what you will hopefully be awarded.  The stress you will face will only aggravate your condition and make things worse.  I tried to align myself with doctors and other people who have experience in submitting applications, but it may actually be better to go right through a disability attorney directly who have more experience with this law.

This is an incomplete post.  You’ll have to stay tuned for how this turns out.

Posted in Cancer, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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