Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

How Much To Tell A Child


Besides the actual diagnosis, one of the hardest things to face for a parent going through cancer, is what to tell, and how much to tell a child.  And by that definition, I do not mean an adult child of a cancer patient, but rather a child, not necessarily even a teenager.  There is all kinds of literature out today with opinions on how to handle these situations.  Honestly, I have not read one yet.  I have my own perspective, and for me, my way has worked best.

20131109_200245

This photo was taken back in April of 2008, about a week after I came home from my open heart surgery.  I did not have children when I went through my cancer diagnosis, but I was going to have to deal with my children with this particular episode.

From the time that the emergency was discovered, I had very little time to get my affairs in order.  I was going to be facing life saving surgery, but surgery that came with huge risks.  My body is not like the average patient, even undergoing this type of surgery because of the late side effects that had developed with my body since the days I was treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  So there were going to be huge risks involved, and surviving the surgery was not necessarily a sure thing.

But was a sure thing, my own personal outlook.  I was going to get through this, just as I did my cancer battle.  I was not going to settle for anything less especially now, because I had two small children who were counting on me coming home from the hospital.  For he first time, my children would learn just how sick I once was, and was again.

My daughters always knew I had cancer, but unlike when I grew up, hearing about someone having cancer, meant that the person automatically died, they learned at a young age, the very first person they ever knew to have cancer, had beaten it.  And throughout their lives, they speak proudly of their “dad beating cancer.”  To be honest, I am glad I never had to deal with the side effects from the chemo in front of them.  But I do recall what it was like.  And I am certain, that I would have been able to maintain my “let kids be kids” attitude remain, and simply explain to them that “daddy does have cancer”, but in dealing with nausea and baldness and fatigue, I would explain to them that it was all a normal part of the process, and necessary for me to get better.

But the heart surgery was going to be different.  I have explained to their mother that under no circumstances did I want the girls to see me hooked up to all kinds of machines with tubes coming out of me al over the place.  I had no idea that I was going to be facing open heart surgery just two days after I told my daughters that I would just be spending the night at the hospital.  Again, I had no doubt that I was going to get through this for them.

Day four of the hospital stay, their mother brought them into the hospital.  Most of my tubes were all out now, and the girls wanted to see me very badly, and I wanted to see them.  Their mother prepared them that my chest was going to be very delicate until it healed and they were both fantastic with being careful with me.

Today, I still do not think they get just how serious it was for me back in 2008, but because I did not overburden them with “adult” facts, given them just enough child-level bits of info, they were better able to deal with my health crisis.

And that is why, to this day, I will always believe in letting my children be children.  I do not discuss any aspect of my divorces with my daughters.  They know my father died from lung cancer, and they got to see him a couple of times before he passed, but they do not know his gruesome final days.  They will not know the struggles that I am dealing with right now.  Because just as I handled my cancer, my heart surgery, this is just another time in my life, that I have a tough battle, that I need to get through and overcome.  I did not come this far in my life to give up now.

A Driving Test Flashback


driver test

I am sitting here watching “Alexander And The Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Day” (not really the inspirational movie I should be watching, but since it is a comedy, and I really needed the laugh and actually see someone having it worse than me to appreciate what I am dealing with and nothing more).

Anyway, there is a part of the movie, where the teenage boy is going for his driving license test.  And of course, adjusted for 21st century issues, such as having a cell phone in the car, it was the very beginning of the actual driving test for the teen that caused me to remember an incident that I witnessed decades ago while going for my driver’s license.

I believe it is a law everywhere, that a driver in training must always be accompanied by a licensed driver.  And evidently it depended on the instructor supervising the exam how literal this requirement would be.  But in front of me, was a fellow teenager, whose mother had gotten out of the vehicle to allow the instructor to get into the car at the entrance to the driving test course.  Seemed like the polite thing to do.

Up ahead from the vehicle, approximately 50 feet, was the instructor, seemingly pleasant, who with a simple gesture, a wave of her hand for the inexperienced driver (inexperienced in the art of being literal as well), motioned for the teenager to pull the car forward for the instructor to get into the vehicle.

Yep.  The instructor failed the teenager for driving without a licensed driver.  Perhaps the instructor was having a really horrible, terrible, very bad day herself, or maybe just was a really mean person.  But as my mother had already gotten out of my vehicle, just as the mother in front of us, I  could not motion quickly enough for my mother to get back into my car.

Spoiler alert, of course, just as the movie portrayed, the teen driver suffered all kinds of issues during his exam.  But for those have seen the movie, here are some important tips if you will be having a teenage driver soon.

1.  NO DRIVING THE CAR WITHOUT A LICENSED DRIVER – even as a courtesy to the instructor

2.  Do not use the cell phone during the exam, actually ever should be the rule

3.  Of course, hands at 10 and 2 o’clock

I am sure there are more, but with my daughters four years or more away from driving, I will worry about that later.

Daddy / Daughter Talk #1


It has been a conscious decision in what I discuss with my daughters as to the divorce process that we are all going through.  Pretty much, my rule has and always will be, let children be children and deal with childhood things.  So other than when I announced to my daughters that their mom and dad were going to get divorced, I have intentionally not involved them in anything else.  Occasionally there have been questions, but I have always answered them, “it’s a grown up problem and the grown ups need to deal with it.”

The only other time that I had any discussion with them was when I decided I was going to be relocating.  For reasons that I will not discuss here, any more than I did with my daughters, I simply informed them that I would be moving far away.  It turned out that they were quite excited with the prospect of having two homes, one in the cold north, and one in the warm south.

Regardless of custody arrangements and locations, there was going to be time for both of us to be without our children.  And communication was and still is going to be critical.  Any time that the girls have been with me, I have made it a point every day, that our daughters communicated with their mother either by phone or video.  And the same goes for when the girls are with their mother and communicating with me.  I make sure that I talk to them in one form or another each and every day.

Screenshot_2014-10-02-21-40-44

Currently however, it has been quite a while since we have actually been able to be with each other.  And it has not been easy for any of us.  Not to mention my oldest is heading into “tween” years, and if there is one thing I have learned from other single parents, there is soon going to come a time when my oldest will soon not have “time to talk”.

But the other night, I finally had no choice but to have a talk with them, as my oldest was expressing a little frustration with having to stop with what she was doing just to talk to me.  And so I told her why it was important to me.

“When Daddy was a little boy, as you know, my parents were divorced too.  And my mom took care of me and my sister.  And we did not live with our dad either.  My dad actually lived near us too, but he made a choice, and for a reason that I will never know, only that he was sorry, he rarely saw us.  Visits were rare, and he almost never called us.  And this was a choice he made.  I hardly saw him.  I hardly got to know him.  He hardly got to know me.  He could only ever visit or call.  But he did not.”

“But I have something my dad did not have, technology.  That is why I do everything I can, every day to call you using Facetime or Tango.  So that when I cannot actually be there with you every day, I can at least see you both, and both of you can see me.  This way you will never forget me, or think that I have forgotten you.  I know this is hard on both of you, and it was hard on me when I was a child too.  And because I know how it made me feel, not only missing my dad, and thinking he had forgotten me or did not care, I promise you I will never let that happen between us.”

“That is why every day I will call you and see you.  I will never sleep without hearing your voice, or seeing your faces.  I love you so much, and I miss you too much.  So until we can be together again, this is why our time on Facetime is so important.”

And then, as if knowing we needed to lighten up the conversation, my youngest, as she always does, broke in with her comedic relief.  “Daddy, quick question.  How does a goat keep its hooves warm in the winter?  With kidd gloves.

Post Navigation