Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Family and Friends”

She Calls Me Daddy


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It is official, my second and youngest daughter is now heading into the second half of her childhood.

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There are just so many memories I have, and will always cherish of both of my daughters.  They both have their own little histories and unique experiences.  Em’s are no different.

When we talk to each other on Facetime every night, I often show her a different picture every night from her past.  We enjoy this custom as well as normally sharing a memory that either of us have.

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Known for her sweetness, sincerity, and wearing her heart on her sleeve, she is also very sharp, and quick with the comedic relief when you need it.

Having had two daughters, I have gotten to experience many of the similar stories that other parents have… sleepless nights, homework assignments and projects, to losing her retainer and Dad having to fish through 5 bags of garbage of the caterer for the banquet she was attending.  With every beat of my heart, there is nothing that I will not do for my daughters if it is within my power.

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I love you Emmalie.  You are an awesome daughter.  Though she may not always show it, you are a great little sister.

Happy Birthday Em!!!

Love, Daddy

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A Flashback I Just Cannot Overcome


Many have been in this situation at least one time in their lives… you eat something you have always enjoyed.  But shortly after the meal, your stomach is upset, and wallah!, everything you ate has returned to the surface.  Depending on the cause of the vomiting, there is a natural tendency to be repulsed by even the mere thought of ever eating that food again.

I first heard of the term “flashback” following a horrific car crash involving my first wife.  She had been travelling down a dark two-lane road.  High embankments were on both sides, but the road itself was straight for well over a mile.  Approaching her little Geo Storm was a pair of headlights, heading in the north bound direction.  Slowly, that car began to drift into the south bound lane.  As the distance between both vehicles shortened rapidly, soon, my wife then knew, a head on car collision was unavoidable.

By all means, she should have been killed in that collision.  Her little Geo was no match for a Ford Queen Victoria which oddly suffered very little damage.  Photos that I took the next day at the junk yard showed what little was left of the Geo, the entire front end just crushed like an aluminum can.

Even in the passenger seat, my wife had issues with headlights coming in her direction, even with a clear and defined median separating both directions.  Each incident, resulted in an enormous emotional breakdown.  She would soon overcome these flashbacks, but for the moments that they happened, they were devastating.

I have my own issue with “flashbacks”, and though therapy did help somewhat, as time has gone on, the flashbacks become even more powerful.

Flashback

I literally hate this machine.  For months I was exercising on it, all the while, unbeknownst to me, my body was dealing with a situation of fatal proportions.  The physical symptoms should have been enough to let me know that something was wrong.  But I even had the numbers in front of me.  The display showed calories burned, distance, time, and the results of sensors on the handle, heart beat.

And within seconds of beginning, my heart rate would skyrocket from the 60’s at rest, to well over 150 within the first minute.  All the while I just figured that was what was supposed to happen to benefit with exercise.  And I kept that rate going the entire hour on the elliptical.

Well, if you have followed “Paul’s Heart,” then you know eventually I was discovered to have a major blockage going to my heart, commonly referred to as a “widowmaker”, and there is only one reason it is called that.  You can read “CABG – Not Just a Green Leafy Vegetable” on the pages on this blog for the whole story.

Of course you know from reading this blog, the story had a happy ending for the most part.  I survived the surgery.  But the one thing that I have never been able to get over is facing this machine again, or any kind of cardiac machine.  I am supposed to exercise, but options are limited.  I am not supposed to lift weights due to potential injury from weakening caused by late effects from my cancer treatments.  And though I have never really been a runner, I do not really feel the need to become one.

Which really leaves “walking” as the only form of exercise that is endorsed by my doctors for me to do.  And I try to walk as much as I can in my days.  But every now and then, I have tried to get back on that machine, or even a treadmill.  But as my heart climbs, as it is supposed to when you exercise, psychologically it really is devastating, because I instantly flash back to the days before the discovery of my heart problem.

The solution should be simple to resolving this, “don’t hold on to the sensors” when exercising on the machines.  But the sensors are there, and the temptation is too great.  Even worse is the flashback.  I do not ever want to face heart surgery again, though I know it is inevitable given my health history and issues that have not been dealt with yet.  So if the only way that I can avoid thinking about it, is to simply walk the street, walk along the beach, I do not need that mechanical reminder to cause me such emotional pain.

 

The Secret To Longevity


Every now and then, during a “fluff” piece on the news, you will see a “centarian” being interviewed as to what was the “secret” to their long life.  And we all sit there in disbelief when their answers reveal that they smoked, drank, and ate fried foods.  But along with those vices, they will add that they enjoyed life.

Today with all the concerns over GMO’s, gluten free diets, the millions of different exercise styles, combined with a much more strenuous and fast-paced lifestyle, we are more likely to witness those much younger than those that live a full century, be fortunate enough to see even 3/4 of a century.  And this in spite of many sharing the same “secret” of smoking and drinking.

Every now and then, as someone hears that at one time I had a golden retriever, and that he lived nearly 15 years, I get asked, “what was the secret to such a long life for him?”

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Just as the woman aged 103 answered so nonchalantly, “I just let Pollo be a dog.”

Though I originally got him from a pet store, it was discovered that he was originally from a puppy mill in Lancaster County in Pennsylvania.  I will never purchase from a pet store again for this reason as most pet stores get their dogs from puppy mills, or if they play with semantics, they buy them from brokers, who buy the animals from puppy mills.  The origin is the same.

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Wow, a puppy mill dog that lived nearly 15 years, in spite of a breed known for developing hip dysplasia, cancer, and cardiac issues?  A breed that is really only known to live 7-10 years as it is?  Seriously, what was my secret?

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I let Pollo be a dog.

He went through his life, doing what he wanted, when he wanted.  Sure, he spent most of his time as my shadow.  He was a good loyal friend.  He asked nothing of me, other than to feed him.

I did not force him to do athletic tricks or perform in agility competitions, many of which animals risk injury due to falls or collisions.  If Pollo wanted to run, he ran.  If he wanted to play ball, he brought it to me, and it would get thrown until he gave me the look, “seriously, you are going to need to fetch this one, I am done.”  If he felt like swimming, he either crawled in on the steps, or would run full speed and fly through the air, Superman style across the water, reaching at least 10 feet through the air before landing in the water.

He enjoyed walks.  He could “smell” snow in the air before the first flake even fell.  I used to joke that he suffered from “grass deafness.”  You now, no matter how much or how loud you call them, they do not hear you, unless you yell something more important like “ride” or “treat”.

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He also enjoyed the company of his family, whether they be my daughters, or other critters (he outlived 3 of our cats).  Whether they used him as a bed, or a ride, he was just content to go through his day as it went.

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All of this seems to satisfy people’s curiosity.  And then they remember one other area that has not been addressed… diet.  This part of his life leaves many shaking their heads.  I have many friends who spend all kinds of money on special diet from gluten free to corn free to other special formulas.  And while I am not promoting a brand intentionally, this is what I fed him, Pedigree dry food.  Sure, he got the different formulas for the stage of his life.  And though I would eventually figure out not to follow the serving chart, I still found ways to compensate for the lesser amount of food from adding “gravies” or French cut green beans, which filled up his belly.  I know not everyone approves of popular brands, but just as the old person on the TV, it worked for them, and the lifestyle I gave my best friend, worked for him.

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My point is this, that as a long term cancer survivor, with many serious and potentially life-threatening late side effects, I can either stress, micro-manage, worry my way through the rest of my life, or I can simply just do what makes me happy.  I know the many things that I face, but I just do not dwell on them.  As my doctors have assured me, they are going to do all that they can to make sure that I get to see the day of being a grandfather.  And with my daughters only entering their teen years now, I will still have a long way to go.

The secret to longevity is, there is no secret.  It is just life.  And the length of life is nothing compared to the quality of life you have enjoyed.

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