Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

A Lasting Impression


As my daughters grew up, like many other parents, I wanted them to participate in extra curricular activities. This of course, would impact their social building skills (never a problem there). Different activities would also help them to figure out interests they may have. There are many benefits. In full disclosure, I did not have this exposure or influence growing up. So, to say I was “winging it,” is an understatement.

The foundation of anything I had my daughters participate in, was commitment. If they were to start something, there was going to be a commitment. It did not need to be a permanent one, but I wanted them to know for sure, whether or not an activity was something that they wanted to participate in or not. And that would require time.

I also wanted them to know, that if they chose to participate in something that involved a “team” concept, it was the most important part of being a team player, to be there for their team. The expression, “a chain is only as strong as its weakest link,” not being able to rely on someone to show up makes that person a weak link.

If my daughters were signed up for something with no commitment to period of time, I had them participate for several months at a minimum. If the activity had some sort of time limit, such as a school semester, they rode the entire period out.

My dynamic duo has now reached the next stage of their young lives, and it will require them to take how they were raised, and realize the commitments they are facing as they approach adulthood. As their father, I can make this time period about me, because, I never expected to see this day because of all the serious health issues that I deal with. I have never wanted anything more, than to witness the women they are becoming.

Continued education is in both of their futures, with one standing on the doorstep, the other, lacing up her shoes to get ready to go. One has selected and accepted an offer to college, giving her the opportunity to extend and enhance a gift I believe she was born with. The other, following her sister, is continuing the steps necessary to get accepted to the college that she would like to go to some day.

I have been busy helping both, yes, as a non-custodial parent, it is still my responsibility to do what I am able to help in this process from taking the SAT’s to the process of picking schools. Giving my daughter the credit she deserves, she researched the colleges and schools that she was interested in, and filed the applications and necessary supplements (such as a portfolio) on her own, just the way that I did when I graduated. And she made the decision on her own, ignoring all outside noise, good and bad from opinions of where she should go.

Step one of the process to one of her major commitments in life, no regrets.

(note – I have always loved this line from the movie “We Are The Millers)

I told my daughter that if I could give her only one piece advice, ignoring everything else, make your choice on what is best for you, what will meet your need to reach your dream. In full disclosure, this was advice given to me by a long time friend and former classmate, and Dad in the process of his second child going off to college.

I told her, that if she did not make the decision for herself, by herself, she risked living with regrets on what could have been. When she told me all of her options, I let her know, they were all good choices. Just like a dance studio or karate dojo, she needed to see what each had to offer, options available, and know, that her Dad was going to be “sitting off in the corner” as always, cheering her on in full support. But I told her, this is an ultimate commitment, not just four years at the college, but for what she wants to do the rest of her life. I have no doubt, she is going to be one of the best at what she does.

Her sister is following her footsteps in the process, while pursuing her own directions. Again, never expecting to have made it this far myself, there is still so much more for me to see, and I want to see it all.

Why do I feel like singing “The Circle Of Life” by Elton John right now? Yes, I am one proud Dad. I have two very special reasons to be.

Progress – Not Everything Is Easier


As a patient, no one can appreciate progress more than I do. Treated with some of the most extreme therapies, while I have survived decades, it has come at a cost in late developing side effects. Patients today, are now treated with better and mostly safer methods. As a consumer, it is easy to scratch our heads at all the new gadgets and vehicles and the options and purposes of the newer technologies. I can still recall many years ago, introducing my grandmother to her dishwasher, microwave, and VCR and the frustrations she had getting along in modern times.

As a parent, I have had different experiences that have caused this particular moment of reflection. As the northeast part of the US got walloped with snow, disappointment abounds for students, as this occurred over a weekend, meaning that the conditions would be cleared up enough for the start of school tomorrow. BUT, had this storm’s timing been a bit more perfect, it would have occurred overnight last night, leading to delays and closures for school.

In the old days, okay, when I was a kid, we found out about school closures on the television, watching a “ticker” (a running announcement on the bottom of the screen, now commonly used on many channels for extra content to be displayed). With our television stations located in Philadelphia covering many suburbs, it would mean that there would be a long list of schools to wait for, to see if my school had made the cut. Fortunately, it was in alphabetical order, but with the number of schools, it could be at least ten minutes until the ticker got back to the “A’s” if I did not get to the television quick enough. This was the only way that we found out if we had a delay or cancellation.

But as a parent, now we have the internet, where the school district announces delays and cancellations right at the top of their web site. Wait, there is more. There is also an automated phone system that now contacts families. Need more? Sure. An app that sends a text message directly to the cell phone, all the while everyone continues to sleep, just in case there will be extra time to get some shut-eye. No more waking up an hour early just to watch the television, possibly to be disappointed in no delay at all of school. Geesh, I wish I had studied the night before.

Nowhere have a seen more progress though, through the eyes of a parent, than that of dealing with school procedures and future planning. Just as a reminder. The microwave, heats up food quicker. The VCR, lets you see television shows while you are away. GPS has saved so many trees no longer needing 50 pages of Mapquest to navigate vacations.

But as I have learned with my daughters, some progress might actually make things more complicated, at least that is, as the Progressive insurance commercial says, “we become our parents.”

The first taste I got of this newer process was as soon as my daughters entered middle school. I no longer remember the name of the app used to enter class selections because that app is no longer used, and now there are at least three more applications that students must use. Here it comes, “why back in my day, we got a booklet with all the course descriptions, and we wrote down what we wanted, then handed the paper in.” Yep, became my parents.

The app being used, actually follows the student their whole middle and high school years, and actually keeps a tabulation on the number of credits necessary to complete their education.

Whereas I had a guidance counselor that was there to help lead me in my future path, there is an app that has you complete surveys and questionaires that now pick your best choices for vocations, so that you can pick the best education path to achieve that goal. Not sold on how accurate this method is given how fickle teenage minds can be.

Don’t get me started on the additional standardized testing by individual states. In my former state, there were actually two, that provided requirements of certain scores and status, in order to graduate. Me, just had to pass the final exam. Sure, I took the SAT’s. But those were not required to graduate.

Another app gives grades and sends out school announcements, and most importantly, processes that need to be taken care of in junior and senior years, in order to meet graduation requirements.

Okay, this is one thing that is definitely a great advancement, the college application process. There are apps for both the college boards which aid in the application process, from submitting SAT scores to the application itself. Back in the day, we actually had to submit an application, along with an essay, through the mail to the school. Today, an app allows you to simply just “add” other colleges to just one application attempt (as long as the college participates), aaaaaaaannnndddd, allows you to even submit the same essay. Kids today, so spoiled.

As I enter this next chapter with my daughters, I often find myself scratching my head, trying to keep up with the newer technologies that my daughters have no problem following. One thing I do know, as this process goes on, I am actually seeing one step further and the progress as they approach the next chapter of their lives.

Then the hard part really begins, letting go.

Calming Down. Yes, You Can (And Should).


A traffic jam. A car cuts you off on a highway changing lanes. Blue and red flashing lights appear in your rear view mirror. While backing out of a parking space, your car suffers a sudden thud as you realize you backed into someone.

A dentist appointment. Going to see the doctor. A surgical procedure. A pending diagnosis of a serious illness.

Panic attacks.

A job interview. A first date. Closing on a sale of your house.

These things are all capable of raising your blood pressure and heart rate, for the wrong reasons. And if it happens to often, or lasts too long, it can be a bad thing. As compared to a controlled situation such as exercising. Because during exercise, you are expected to monitor your pulse as you exercise. You also need to be aware of the range of your exercising heart beat range compared to your resting heart beat.

There are a number of different charts to help you figure out what range your heart beat should be in, but it is best to get that information from your doctor or certified trainer.

But what happens when your heart is pounding, or your head feels hot that you feel like a human pressure cooker, because something has upset your or is stressing you out? I have posted before what this could end up like.

This is a picture of a physical stress load on me back in 2008. In full disclosure, this could easily have occurred during one of my stressful issues. But it was a picture after just a few minutes on a treadmill. Further testing would reveal just how close to death I was. As my cardiologist put it, “it was not a question of if, but when” I was going to die.

Yes, bad stress will kill you.

But I want to share something with you, that I feel should help you, and could help you, if you are in any of the above mentioned situations or any other similar to that which would cause a rapid heart beat.

There is no arguing that being in a beautiful setting like this, would clearly help deal with stressful situations, though you are likely as far away as possible to that location. But, with some concentration, not only can you take yourself there mentally, you can take the steps necessary to slow your heart rate down. It is a method that I learned from my therapist many years ago, and in most cases, it has worked. Only in one or two situations, where I was that far into “fight or flight” mode, did it take a bit more effort.

This “exercise” was something taught to me a long time ago, and has helped me in a number of situations, and I am certain that it can help you as well, simply by extending your exhale. This simple change to your breathing pattern, changes the oxygen rich blood flow to the brain. I won’t get any more “sciency” about how to do it and why, because I want you to pay attention to just how easy this is, and how easy it is to resolve the anxiety attack.

Are you ready?

Get into a comfortable position, sitting is fine. Close your eyes. Imagine a nice serene scene (like the lake scene pictured above). Now breath in through your nose for a total of four seconds. You do not need to fill your lungs to capacity. Believe it or not, breathing in too deeply can lead to hyperventilating, actually making things worse. After you have inhaled, open your lips ever so slightly, to let your breath escape through the pressed lips for a total of five seconds, maybe six if you can stretch it out.

Repeat this five or six times. If you have calmed down, great. If you need to do more, then do another set.

I have been in four intense situations of “fight or flight”, with my blood pressure going through the roof. The only thing that prevented me from needing to go to the emergency room, was this special breathing exercise taught to me.

I hope it helps you.

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