Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

26 Apr 2017

When You Give A Girl A New Country


Today, I am welcoming a guest author today.  Though we have never met, we have a personal connection, which, when I saw her blog title, I knew that I wanted to share her thoughts with those in my personal circle.  You see… Haley is adopted from China.  I actually got to meet her parents when Haley’s family and I each adopted our second child (respectively) from China.  Haley’s younger sister, and my youngest daughter has a bond that will last forever.  Haley’s family and my family are connected forever.

There are already so many children who have been adopted from China, who have now reached adulthood.  As our children grow, because the majority of us in the adoption world are blended families culturally having those issues to deal with, there are also the needs, interests, and issues that the child will have to deal with themselves.  Well… who better than to reveal what goes on in the mind of someone who has been adopted, heading into adulthood, than someone who is there right now.

So, please allow me to introduce you to Haley, a senior in high school.

“When You Give A Girl A New Country”

In my family, we celebrate an extra holiday every year.

We call it my “Gotcha Day” because on September 12th, 1999, I met my parents for the first time. That day is the day we became a family.

I’m writing this article to answer some frequently asked questions about adoption that I have gotten over the years, currently get, and will continue to get throughout my life. I answer these questions on behalf of myself and many other adopted kids around the world; I’m sure they’ve received the same questions and can relate to my answers.

Growing up, being adopted has proven to be interesting. Some people try to avoid talking or asking about my adoption; many treat it like a sensitive topic. People view the notion of adoption as a tragedy—they treat talking about adoption like talking about a death. People tread very lightly when asking me about my adoption, and they always seem to be very uncomfortable and nervous.

The former has always confused me, because why should anyone feel uncomfortable to ask me about my loving family? Why is the very blessing that brought me to where I am today treated like a tragedy?

Probably the most frequent question I get asked is if I would want to meet my birth parents eventually. Being that the adoption was international and thus closed, we have very little information on either of my birth parents, so the idea of ever actually meeting them is very far out of reach. But even if I could, I don’t know why I’d want to. Meeting them wouldn’t be some magical moment like it would be in the movies. I wouldn’t feel any kind of special connection to them immediately or anything. Who’s to say I would even like them?

I think this is only a thing adopted kids truly understand, but having blood to blood relation doesn’t actually have anything to do with being a family. I have encountered the term “real” parents multiple times in my life, and I want to make it clear that my parents that I live with now are my real parents. They clothed me, fed me, cared for me, and raised me. They are the people that are responsible for the person that I am today, and they are the people that gave me the entire world. I don’t know about me, but it is them that deserve the title of “real” parents. They parented me, thus they are my real parents.

Another frequently asked question I receive is if I am upset or angry at my birth parents for giving me up.

Honestly, I’m not upset or angry at all, but instead, I am indescribably grateful for the decision that my birth parent(s) made to give me up for adoption. They chose the best option out of what I see was three: the first being adoption, the second being to kill me (wich is a common practice done to unwanted children in Asia), and the last being to keep me and try to raise me. Although I do not know the circumstances of my birth parent(s) situation, I can infer that because they indeed did give me up that they were not in the best position to keep me. If they tried to keep me, my life would’ve been a struggle.

I cannot express my gratitude towards my birth parent(s)’ knowledge of what my life would’ve been for me and instead of selfishly keeping me, deciding to give me up and give me opportunities they would’ve never been able to provide.

One of the most commonly asked questions that I’ve received throughout my life is if I believe my parents do not love me, or could not love me, as much as they would if I was their biological child. And this brings me back to a point that I made earlier: blood relationship does not define family.

My family has shown me more love and care than I could ever repay them for. They’ve given me the world and provided me with everything I could’ve wished for in the world. Without them, I would be nothing. They have loved and supported me as if I was their own, because honestly, I am their own.

Although I was not born of the two of them, they are still my parents and they will always be my parents. Biological relation is irrelevant in family. Family is about showing love, care, and support throughout a child’s entire life, and that’s what my family has given me.

 – Haley

 

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
22 Apr 2017
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Breaking Down The “New Normal”


I have written in the past, about getting back to life following treatment for cancer.  And as probably nearly every cancer survivor will tell you, there is nothing normal about getting back to life.  It is never the same.  Therefore, the phrase, “new normal” gets tossed around quite a bit.  On one of my support lists that I belong to, a post came through with a completely different explanation of what “new normal” meant to this individual writer.  And she did a great job probably explaining it in even more thorough detail.

I am always willing to share stories from other patients and survivors, especially when there is an opportunity to offer support and understanding.

I present to you, Brenda Denzler, from her daily personal journal, in her own words:

“Cancer treatment saves our lives-if we’re lucky.  But for those of us whose lives it saves, it doesn’t save ALL of our lives.  It saves bits and pieces of them.  The doctors call that partial life a happy, hopeful name: our “new normal.”

Most oncologists don’t pay a great deal of attention to this partial-life-left-to its quality or its features-among those of us (the majority) who are older when we get cancer. They are just beginning to pay real attention to it among those who were children when they got it.  Among the older set, they write off most of our comments and complaints about our
new limitations as the natural process of getting older, and they turn away without a thought given to the issue of how much older, how much faster. As if the only thing cancer treatment did to our bodies was rid them of cancer.
I just spent about 36 hours with my two grands.  It was a good visit.  I had prepared for it ahead of time, minimizing the amount of cooking and cleaning up of dishes I’d have to do. I took a nap with Sebastian on Saturday afternoon.  I propped my feet up and rested throughout.as much as having two small children around will allow.  And when they left, while I welcomed the chance to sit for 30 uninterrupted minutes, I was sad to see them go (as usual).
I quickly succumbed to a nap.  No surprise.  It lasted 4 hours.  That WAS a surprise.  I woke up from my nap feeling so fatigued I could hardly move, with that all-over body ache and tingling hands and feet that indicate I’ve overdone it big-time.  I oozed my way through the evening, trying hard to stay awake and not lapse into sleep again.  When a decent bedtime came, I allowed myself to succumb.  This time I slept for 11 more hours. And again, I have awoken feeling exhausted deep in every bone, every muscle fiber.
THIS is my “new normal.”
To hell with the “but you’re getting older” bromide.  I shouldn’t be THIS old, THIS soon.
Cancer treatment saves our lives, if we are lucky.  But not ALL of our lives.  It just saves bits and pieces of them.”
Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
07 Apr 2017

A Strong Character Right From The Start


Whether a child is of biological origin, or adopted, character is something that is taught by the parent(s).  Right from the beginning, almost daily, I taught my daughters the values that I believed should be important to them.  And I did this by example, because those same values apply to me.  I want them to respect me biblically as per the ten commandments.  I want their unconditional love.  But I also want them to be honest, loyal, trusting.  I have told them that most of the qualities I have taught them will be an important part of who they are.

Another quality that I want my daughters to have, is empathy and concern for others.

My daughters definitely understand to have empathy for people when they are sick or injured.  They have witnessed personally some very extreme situations just with my health alone.

But it was during a scholastic athletic event a couple of years ago, that I saw an example from my oldest daughter, the quality of concern for someone else.

I have taught both daughters, that if they start something, they need to finish it.  Whether it be a project, a recreational sport, or anything extracurricular, they are to make and keep the commitment.  When applicable, if competition is expected, they are to give their best.  Their lives will not be judged on how many medals they possess, but how, they got them if they did.  They are to have fun what they do, and give their best effort.  But very importantly, never at the expense of someone else.

My oldest daughter was competing in a “triathalon” for her elementary school.  She had trained very hard running at the local track down the road from our house.  Every Saturday morning she had an opportunity to use the high school swimming pool to train.  And she already had enough experience riding her bicycle.  This was her second year competing and had done well her first time out not knowing what to expect.

She had slashed her way through the water, and had been about 2/3 of the way through the bicycle portion of the race, when another competitor wiped out.  My oldest had avoided most of the contact, but still had the collision.  My daughter got up, dusted herself off, and then directed her attention to the girl on the ground.  She was hurt.  There was never a doubt what my daughter was going to do.

My daughter stayed with the injured girl, while many of the adults around me noticed the accident and my daughter’s actions.  My daughter would remain there until official and medical personnel arrived at the crash site.  And even then, my daughter wanted to remain to make sure the girl was okay.  The adults on the scene, encouraged my daughter to continue on with the race, and she did.  My daughter finished the bicycle portion and then completed the run.  It never mattered to my daughter what place she finished, nor her time.

I could not have been more proud.

Now, as an older student, she finds herself at a slightly more competitive level as she is participating in her first official athletic season of girls track.  She is competing in two events, the shotput and 75 meter dash.  I have no doubt she will excel in both events.  She does not lack confidence.  And she does enjoy competing.  But it was during the dash, that something occurred, that once again would show her character.

As anyone who has done track before, the first few times launching off from the starting blocks can be quite awkward.  And though I know my daughter is quite fast, and she would probably rather start from a standing position, it was the starting block that got her start of the dash off to a rough start.  But it was her recovery, her refusal to give up, just as strong as her will to compete, that allowed her to finish the race, just a couple of lengths behind the pack of runners.  She could have just given up like a baseball batter grounding a ball down the baseline, but she did not quit.  She ran with everything she had.

I cannot wait to hear how she does the next time around.

Yes, I am very proud of the daughters that I have raised.  There is a lot more to go, but so far, they understand their character is going to define who they are, and how others see them.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Recreation | Leave a comment

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