Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

Good Riddance 2020


So the question across my news feed this morning, was “name something good that happened for you in 2020.”

For the majority of us, this is likely to limit responses to just January, February, maybe March.  There are two notable things that I consider good during this time. 

Being a non-custodial parent, there are many things that I am not included in.  But this moment was something for me to always cherish.  I got to take my daughters shopping for dresses for a school semi-formal.  Though not a big shopper myself, this was one trip I am so glad I got to make.

This was a huge thing that occurred in 2020, just before the Covid19 shit hit the fan.  Each milestone that I hit, I find myself amazed that I am still here.  Back then, we were only encouraged to think about some magical 5-year mark.

But even through the rest of the year, I did manage to have some good things happen.  My cooking improved for one.  I am an okay cook, but not having an option to go out an sit down, and for the most part opting not to do take out, the pressure was on if I wanted to eat.

Most importantly, in spite of Covid19 and the risks, I still managed to see my daughters.  Besides the law supporting the needs of children to see their non-custodial parents, as long as protections and recommendations were followed, visits were going to happen.

Likely, no one is going to say they would like to just reset and redo the 2020 calendar year.  2020 in fact, is probably going to go down as the worst number to avoid than a 13th floor in a hotel.

With hopefully the recovery from Covid19 going in that direction to start 2021, I have things that I am looking forward to, one major milestone, an effort thought I would never finish, and of course getting to spend more time with my daughters again.

My heart goes out to all who have lost someone this year, not just Covid19.  My wish is for all who are reading this, to find peace, good health, and comfort in 2021.

What’s In A Name?


I do not remember much from my days in English Literature in high school decades ago.  But the one thing I do remember, is a line from William Shakespeare’s “Romeo And Juliet,” “a rose by any other name”.

My duck analogy is one that I prefer to use.  More current.

So, this morning, I was reading my newsfeed, when an interesting topic came across.  The writer questioned about doctors now using a term NED as opposed to telling a patient that they were in remission.  I questioned that I had no idea what NED had meant, though I took a shot, asking “does NED stand for No Evidence Of Disease?”

When I finished treatments for the second time, my oncologist said to me, “I don’t like to use the word ‘cure’, I just say ‘remission.'”  I thought that was an odd thing to say, because I remember participating in medical research fundraisers to “find a cure for cancer.”  Wasn’t that the goal?  To be cured of cancer?  Being in “remission” did not sound convincing enough.  Almost like, do you mean it could come back?

Imagine, I am now over thirty years passed my final treatment, and I am not supposed to use the word “cured?”

Then I thought, what if it came back, “perhaps he just did not want the liability, ‘hey, you said I was cured’ and then he would respond, ‘no, I said you were in remission.'”  It really has not meant that much to me either way.  Although, because of my health issues from my treatments, I have found myself stop referring to myself as “cured.”  I have been saying “remission” for years now.

But when I heard “NED” and possibly thinking “no evidence of disease,” I began to think, “wow, that is really a step backwards in the confidence of treating Hodgkin’s Lymphoma,” a cancer with a notorious high success rate with treatment.

Now I find myself taking an even bigger step backwards.  While no one can appreciate the progress in diagnosing and treating Hodgkin’s Lymphoma over the last many decades more than me, because of the post mentioned above, I find myself nitpicking “Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

I am not known for my political correctness, though admittedly, there are some things that will strike a nerve with me personally, and I try to deal with it on my own, without taking any form of pleasure from a person’s attempt at humor or satire.  But damnit, in 1988, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease, not Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I tried to rationalize why this bothered me so much, and even, why was there a need to re-label what did not need renaming.  After all, the cancer is still the same cancer.  It has not changed.

Hodgkin’s Disease was named for Dr. Thomas Hodgkins, who discovered it back in 1832.

Ok.  His name.  He discovered several people with this illness of the lymph system.  But it was named a disease.  I have not researched thoroughly for when the actual word “cancer” was first used, but the concept of cancer can be traced back as far as many years B.C.  As far as the mainstream use of the word, I have no idea when it became prevalent.  Admittedly, I do not care.  I had Hodgkin’s Disease, a form of blood cancer.

But wait, that is another issue that some like to argue.  “Blood cancers are not real cancers.”  Yes, I have actually heard that stupid comment more than my share.  It seems some have a hard time accepting the fact that you do not have to have physical tumors to have something a cancer diagnosis.  Leukemia in its many forms, and various types of lymphomas, are cancers, cancer involving the blood.

Putting the train back on the track, I missed the moment that Hodgkin’s Disease was changed to Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, literally everywhere, even in the books.  It is still the same cancer.  Somewhere around the turn of the century, and I have not been able to see any reason as to why, but Hodgkin’s Disease was informally changed to Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Admittedly, lymphoma sounds less nasty than the word “disease.”  “Disease” would also imply contagious.  It was bad enough through most of history, people actually believed that cancer was contagious.

Maybe it being called lymphoma not a bad thing after all.  But I worked too hard to just be told “no evidence of disease.”  I earned the right to be told I am in remission.

For Some, It Will Take More Than Just Getting Through The Holidays


There will be so many this year, who are struggling not just financially or physically with the holidays this year, but emotionally.  For some, it will be about loss.  For some, it is dealing with a crisis of the unknown.  This situation can be something that we have all experienced at one time or another in our lives, but is amplified this time of year.

I am one of those who has struggled through this season, his entire adult life, and most of his teenage years.  I was fourteen when I experienced the greatest amount of loss during the holidays, three relatives (between both sides of the family), between Christmas and New Years.

And then, there was 1988, when I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, right at the beginning of the holiday season.  To complicate that further, being a Christian, my faith had been put to an extreme test, because the one place that I needed most at that time, I was turned away, because there was no time for me because of the busy time of year in the church.

In the thirty years since, it would be easier to list the years that I did not struggle during this season, because I could do it on one hand.

I am not the only one who has a hard time this time of year.  Every year, chances are there is someone in our life, who has is struggling with a crisis right now, or dealing with a loss for the first time, perhaps even recently.  Struggles and grief are hard enough during the rest of the year, only amplified during the yuletide season.

And then there is 2020.   The extraordinary loss of life, and the disastrous results of the economy are hitting us like never before.  For many of us, we know that is did not have to get this bad.  The reality is, it is this bad.  Loss of jobs, income, an empty spot at the kitchen table, forever.

I have been in the hospital this time of year, both as patient, and as caregiver.  Anyone else who has been in this situation, would agree, we would give anything to not be in that situation, especially during this time of year.

And like many, I have experienced loss during this time of year, getting through the holidays without a loved one, for the first time.

I ask that we all keep those in our thoughts and hearts during this time of year.  By all means, celebrate.  But please remember those who are facing difficulties, or loss for the first time, this season.  Wish good tidings of cheer, but also offer supportive words and gestures to those in need.

That is how we all get through these difficult days.

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