Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

“You Talkin’ To Me?”


I am going to use several movie references for this post.

In the movie “Taxi Driver,” actor Robert DeNiro is rehearsing some sort of dialogue he intends to have during a pending conflict. I am paraphrasing the lines, as he is looking in a mirror, repeating, “you talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? (He looks around himself) I don’t see nobody else here, so you must be talkin’ to me. I’m standing here. You talkin’ to me?”

One of my favorite comedy movies, with clearly the greatest one-liners, is Airplane. Throughout the entire movie, an air traffic controller played by the late great Lloyd Bridges, states the many vices he had given up, but during the crisis currently involved in, has relapsed with all of them from smoking to “sniffing glue.” The meme I have posted is my own, and will explain shortly.

As it turns out, my grandmother had actually prepared me for this particular day, more than forty-five years later. A smaller than average kid, I was an easy target for bigger kids looking to make an image or reputation known, for being tough, a bully. Not only was I small, but I was also shy, and then the worst of it, clothing I wore, bought by my grandmother, definitely was not cool or trendy. I had all the trademarks of an easy mark.

My grandmother had an interesting way to deal with the various efforts of bullying and taunting. “Just turn the other cheek, and walk away.” While clearly my size was against me, this strategy failed miserably, as I just got attacked from behind.

As an adult, I understand why she said what she did. It clearly did not help the situation though. In conversations with my daughters I have used my own philosophy, “a fire will only burn if you keep putting wood on the fire.”

Indeed, very “Mr. Miagi”-sounding, of course referencing the original “Karate Kid.” Yes, Gen Z-ers and millenials, there was a movie series prior to Cobra Kai. Focus Paul-son.

Getting back to my meme with Bridges, and the Coke reference, I found myself referencing all three movies the other night. And while I am sure I will hear from fellow cancer survivors and friends, all with their recommendations of the many other uses for Coca-Cola besides ingestion, none the less, that is what has triggered this post.

I walked into the convenience store, not like the Sac-O-Suds in “My Cousin Vinny”, though I have to wonder, was it much different given the mentality of the store clerk I was dealing with?

I needed to purchase some gas for my Camry, not a 1964 Buick Skylark, and while doing so, grabbed a bottle of Coke. I really should not be drinking it for several reasons, and have quit many times before, but at this point, was off the wagon.

Between me and the clerk, were sheets of plexiglass suspended over the counter, the purposes of protecting both clerk and customer during the Covid19 pandemic. In full disclosure, my hearing is often questioned, whether selective or actually failing. But in this particular moment, I am pretty sure my hearing was spot on.

I put my bottle of Coke on the counter and explained that I would like to put $20 of gas into my car. That was it. No other small talk, clearly neither of us were interested in that.

How is this for a reference? From “Dude, Where’s My Car?”… “and then?”

“Bah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah”

And odd thing for the clerk to utter, and honestly, I thought like many other clerks, who work with ear buds in the ears, he was likely listening to something and simply reciting along with it. But as I said, with my hearing, I was not sure what I was hearing, though it sounded like a sheep sound. And then he did it again.

“Bah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah”

Now, I could probably post a snapshot from the movie Clerks for this, but that movie was funny. What was happening right at this moment, was not.

As I looked around me, like DeNiro in “Taxi Driver”, there were four other people in the store besides the clerk and I. They all shared one thing in common, and different from me.

I was wearing a mask. They were not. I was 95% certain, this clerk was trying to provoke me. I was not sure what I had heard the first time, I was 100% certain after the second sound. And then… as if more confirmation was needed, Floriduh man behind the counter started putting words together, the first word I heard being “Covid.”

At that point, I knew what was happening, and unlike the lesson my grandmother had taught me, which never worked, I replied very DeNiro-like, “excuse me?” At that point, the clerk now looked up, had stopped mumbling his crap. I repeated myself, “are you talking to me?”, making him clearly aware that I had heard his provocation.

This jackass was making a reference that I was a “sheep” or “sheeple”, because I was wearing a mask, recommended in helping to prevent getting infected by Covid19, and from spreading it to others. Clearly, he was one that did not believe in wearing a mask, and the fact that the remainder of people in the store did not have masks, made him more brave to take a shot at me.

In fairness, this dope had no idea that I wear a mask, as one of the more vulnerable people to Covid19, having a compromised immune system, as well as other co-morbidities related to my cancer survivorship. And that is none of his business, just as my decision to wear a mask or not, just as it is none of my business whether he wore one or not.

He did not respond to me after I called him out. I grabbed my soda, and went out of the door to pump my gas. And then I steamed. I did exactly as my grandmother once taught me. As I child, I never understood the benefit to walking away other than I was not going to get my ass kicked. But, as an adult, I was getting more mad. I do not like leaving things unresolved. I was provoked. I wanted closure.

This situation is different than just a conversation between two people sitting in a bar, or passing by on the street. The was during a business transaction between customer and employee. And while I understand that employees can have cranky days, and end up reflecting that on the customers, this was not the situation.

Representing his employer, this putz decided to exercise his free speech, and acknowledge the division in our country over whether the wearing a mask is appropriate or control. I have long given up on this debate, especially after two years. After two years, we are where we are because of the decisions both sides have made, and hopefully not worse. But it is unlikely that any large percentage of people will change their minds as to their stance. If science is correct, which I believe in science, like the other viruses I have faced in my life during my survivorship, I will get through the pandemic. Sadly, too many still will not, yet to come. And then… for those who made the claim that Covid19 was “just like the flu,” will finally be able to make that claim, because like the flu, Covid19 will not be going anywhere. One major difference, is the number of people Covid19 has killed, and did not have to be that way.

We are divided, there is no doubt. And an employee like this does not help. And while I risk a “Karen” reference, which will not be allowed because I am only using movie references in this post, I did speak to the owner, who agreed that he did not want this issue having an impact on his business.

And with that, my final movie reference.

Wear a mask, don’t wear a mask. We know the difference masks make. We know the political inference by those opposed to wearing them. We are who we are. And just like Mr. Vernon in “The Breakfast Club” had to do, we have to just accept we are who were are in the world of Covid19.

What’s In A Number?


This is a boring meme that showed up across social media in recent weeks. I do not usually reply to these things, especially the ones that pretty much end up being password related. But admittedly, this one did kind of have me curious.

I am recognizing a birthday today. I do not celebrate them anymore, I just let them happen. I prefer no fanfare. The truth is, I consider myself lucky to still be here considering everything that my body has been through, due to the treatments that saved my life from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma over 32 years ago.

But I decided to give this one a go, just as a lighter post. Of course, when the meme came out, as I was at the age of 55, flipping the numbers did nothing. I remained 55 years old. Boring. And now I am heading into the upper half of my fifties. To be honest, nothing would thrill me more than to be on the lower half of this decade of my life, to get another crack during those times. I thought it would be interesting to reflect back on those younger decades.

I will skip my 5th year of birth, as I know there was nothing remarkable about my first year in school as a kindergartener, except that I was small, and some remark “oh how cute!”. Apparently, I was also a blonde.

At 15, I switched high schools. While it was somewhat intimidating, the opportunities given to me at my new school, allowed my life to take much different paths than what I had been going previously and I definitely do not think things would have turned out better. I will always remember the new friends that came into my life, as I am still friends with them today, more than forty years later.

At 25, I was beginning my life as a cancer survivor. That year was filled with constant fears of my cancer coming back. Wanting to move forward with my life, I got married to my fiance who had stood by me during my battle with what was called back then, Hodgkin’s Disease. I had resumed working. I was ready to get back to some sort of normalcy.

Age 35 was a transition year for me. My first marriage had ended, devastating as I had so much wanted to have a family, and this would likely reduce the chances of that happening. (spoiler alert – a second marriage not in my “five” years, I would end up blessed with two amazing daughters)

I experienced my first and so far, my only kidney stone at age 45. I had been put on a calcium supplement to deal with one of the late side effects from my cancer treatments, for a diagnosis of osteopenia and facet joint arthritis in my lower back. This was discovered during a medical work up for long term cancer survivor health issues, discovered in 2008, when I had to have emergency open heart surgery (see “CABG – Not Just A Green Leafy Vegetable). And yes, the pain of that large kidney stone, was worse pain than that of my open heart surgery.

55 is an interesting year as it has been somewhat uneventful, well, perhaps better described as par for the course as I dealt with two more issues related to my treatments. But, as usual, I have gotten through both.

Aside from that, 55 has a much darker cloud looming over it. On my father’s side of the family, longevity is not in our genes. Of my father and his four siblings, only he and his one brother lived past 55, both making it to 70. Ironically, as my father lay dying from lung cancer, he actually said, “all I want to do is make it to 70,” and he did, just like his brother. But the other siblings, and his mother passed away in their late 40’s and early 50’s. This alone rents enough space in my head as I have hit this milestone of 55, and then, factor in all the trauma my body has gone through health wise since 2008, a lot. I do not have good longevity odds.

So yes, I recognize my birthday each year. It is hard to celebrate, when I know the odds of a next birthday get harder and harder.

As I turn 56, let’s flip that number. I would be 65. Why is this number significant to me, besides approaching retirement age? Besides being only the third in the last three generations to reach this age, there is a bigger plan. And it is this plan that drives me. I want to get to age 65.

My doctors who care for the multiple health issues from my treatments concede that they cannot reverse what is happening to my body, and they cannot stop them. There are some issues that can be slowed down, and some that can be repaired, albeit temporarily (needing to be fixed again later on). But knowing about these issues, is half the battle. Dealing with them is the other half of the plan. And that plan is this. I want to see my daughters grow into adulthood. I want to attend my daughters high school graduations. If my daughters choose to go to college, I want to witness their graduations. If my daughters choose to get married, I want to walk my daughters down the aisles. And my final wish, would be to hear the name “grandpa” or whatever my daughters would have their children refer to me as. This promise had been made to me over 13 years ago, and I now have one daughter graduating from high school this year, and the other next year. If I have my way, and keep my attitude, my 65th year will be my greatest.

In all honestly, I do not expect to see 75 or 85, definitely not 95, whether genetics or cancer survivorship issues. But I seriously want to get to 65. It is not going to be easy as I know I will see at the least, several more surgeries, and likely additional diagnosis. I am okay with that as I am living each day, the best that I can, no regrets.

This was a hell of a writing prompt my writing coach would have been proud of. I miss having her weekly prompts. This was fun.

“That’s The Fact, Jack!”


In one of the funniest Ivan Reitman movies, “Stripes,” a commander in the army, addressing recruits who had just finished basic training, spoke directly to a band of misfit recruits who, shall we say, struggled with the concept of basic training, and in spite of that, completed the training, “am I to understand that you completed your training on your own?” To which Bill Murray’s character barks back “that’s the fact, Jack!”

Over the last two years, we have been inundated with facts for any number of current affairs. One that personally affects me is the Covid19 pandemic. I have made it clear, that I do not rely on social media or main stream media for my decisions when it came to this crisis. Information that I relay, comes directly from the medical personnel that I deal with. Although I did have someone actually tell me I needed to find all new doctors because of the warnings I got from my doctors. These doctors had to be wrong or in with the “hoax.”

But it turns out, my doctors were correct. Their advice was accurate. The decisions that we, my doctors and I made as a team, were right.

The warning was stern for the new highly contagious and lethal virus spreading across the world, “if you get it, with the condition of your heart, it will kill you.” That was the caution urged by my cardiologist as well as all of my doctors who were in agreement. I did not need the news or Facebook to confirm anything. I had the best and most reliable resources. With no vaccine, no treatment, hell, not even any testing at the beginning, if I came down with Covid19, I was going to die.

Two things in my favor in getting through this, at least until testing and vaccines came along, I knew from prior working experience, how to deal with biological hazards. The other, the experience of having gone through so many other contagions, on two occasions, travelling right into “hot” areas (SARS and bird flu when adopting my daughters). Like all the other viruses, I knew that I had the intelligence and common sense to deal with, accept, and prevent me getting sick to the best of my abilities. The important thing was for me to get to the most important part, vaccines.

I lost my spleen back in 1989 while being diagnosed for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Long story short, over time I discovered that contrary to being told, being asplenic was no big deal, turned out it was. In the case of many vaccines, my body will not make antibodies as easily as it should, if at all. This had been confirmed previously with two other vaccines in my past.

While the development of the Covid19 vaccine was quite an amazing process, and while seemingly rapid, it was already previously being developed over prior years, there would still be red tape slowing the process down that needed to be overcome. Part of that process, is protocol, how many, how much, when, etc.

Once the vaccine was approved for emergency use authorization, it became a matter of who would be vaccinated first. Of course, the most vulnerable, the elderly and medical workers were first. Then came my category, the immune compromised and immune suppressed. My immune system is compromised by not having a spleen. So, “go get the shot.” Not so fast.

Remember, I know that my body reacts, or rather does not react as others who are otherwise healthy. The “protocol” for the vaccine, was one shot, followed by another several weeks later. That was it. What would happen if I got the two doses, and did not get the reaction needed? There was no protocol for additional doses. There was no protocol for a “do over.”

Having been involved in medical research and the medical community for as long as I have been, I know to expect more to come. And I had heard chatter that a 3rd dose was being researched. This was the news I was hoping to hear. But at that point, it was only chatter. I made the conscious decision, to continue my prevention behaviors while I wait for approval of that third dose. Again, long story short, that approval would come, but as a booster, administered six to eight months later. This was not exactly what I needed to hear to make my decision. I needed to hear “third scheduled dose,” in other words, weeks after the second dose. Eventually, that would happen.

Now as the title of my post states, “that’s the fact Jack!”, I admittedly took a big risk with not getting the vaccine as soon as I was approved based on my conditions being immune compromised. But knowing my medical history, it was a worthwhile and potentially life-saving guess.

The Leukemia Lymphoma Society had been studying the effects of Covid19 and the vaccines on blood cancer patients, of which Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a blood cancer. Taking on the task, and relaying the results to the government (the CDC, the FDA, etc.), results were collected of the successes of the vaccines for those of us challenged by various circumstances.

The scientists at the LLS would have patients register, and submit to blood work, weeks after each dose to measure for antibodies from the vaccine, as well as to see if there was previous exposure. An additional blood test would follow at the six month mark, obviously to see if the coverage was still holding. And just like the vaccines were provided by the government, this blood test was covered by the LLS.

Now it was my turn to get the vaccine, and here are the facts.

Three weeks after receiving the first dose, I had zero antibodies from the vaccine. The good news it was also confirmed that I had not Covid19 antibodies either. In other words, I had never been exposed to it. So, it was bad news, good news. If my guess was right, and from what I saw with other immune compromised survivors, I should expect at least a little bump of a reaction.

And three weeks after that second dose, I did indeed get a small bump in the discovery of some antibodies. More good news, continued lack of exposure to Covid19 (pretty good considering where I live, in a pro-Covid state). The third dose was going to be a huge game changer for me. If I got the reaction that others had gotten, my antibodies would be 10 times higher than after the second dose. If not, it would not be catastrophic by any means, but not good news for sure, as I would have to rely on future vaccine developments.

The third dose was given a month after the second dose. The blood test was done three weeks later. It was confirmed, I had the anticipated reaction and the needed level of antibodies. As a bonus, still no exposure to Covid19.

So now I wait. As the healthy of you are told to get a booster due to waning coverage, you will get a third dose. If my coverage wanes, I have already had my third dose. I am hopeful though, as I am aware of studies of a fourth dose, and that would apply to me.

This is how science is supposed to work. Research, discover, apply, and believe in. It is heartbreaking the number of people not just believing the false information that is out there, or the conspiracy theories, but aggravating of the number of monsters out there promoting the erroneous information, and nothing is being done to stop it.

I know the current vaccines do not prevent infection. I know the current vaccines do not prevent spreading. And for that, we have to rely on all the things we were recommended to do from the beginning. It is frustrating, because had we all been on the same page back in the beginning, I do not believe we would have had over 800,000 dead Americans. The war cries of patriotism and tyranny all in effort to protect the health of our citizens was a false argument.

I have never lost any freedom by wearing a mask. I still support local businesses. And the only thing preventing me from going to a movie theater or concert ever again, has nothing to do with regulations, but rather the fact that we have so many pigs in our country that need to be told to wash their hands and cover their mouths/noses when they cough/sneeze.

Science says, we will continue to have variants because we did not shut Covid19 down when we had the chance, while there was still hope. And now, while we have vaccinated and unvaccinated, it is the unvaccinated we will continue to see roll the dice, with repeated infections, longer lasting effects, and more deaths.

I lost my younger sibling to Covid19 back in September. She made a foolish choice, and it cost her, her life. And if you had the chance to ask her before she came down with Covid19, I am sure she would have said, it was worth the risk as opposed to a side effect from the vaccine that could be dealt with. She got her answer.

As someone who never thought he would get cancer, never thought he would need heart surgery (let alone three of them), and countless other surgeries, do you really believe that something can’t happen to you, just because some nut job on a right wing network or social media says so?

Like I said, I have had to deal with my health, and viruses a long time. I know how to protect myself, through science. At this point, it will probably be another three years before we have Corona virus where it is manageable to where deaths will be the same as the flu, as opposed to the argument that Covid19 is no worse than the flu. Yes, yes Covid19 is worse than the flu, 16 times worse at least in deaths. And that is the fact, Jack.

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