Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

08 Nov 2014
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And So It Happens


I believe the best relationships, and friendships for that matter, occur when you do not even try to find them.  As the saying goes, “when you least expect it…”.  And so it happened for me.

Now as one friend likes to tell the story, Josephine and I “met” on Facebook.  I am not going to make fun of anyone who has met and developed a relationship on Facebook, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, or whatever internet dating site.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am not interested in any kind of internet dating, blind dating.  I would prefer to meet someone, or develop a relationship with a natural progression, let it just happen.  Let someone come into my life, and find out about the many issues, and baggage that I deal with on a daily basis.  If I present myself in a way, that lets someone know that I am not going to draw them into my drama, which is different than being supportive of someone during their drama, then at the very least, I will have found and made a very good friend.  And if anything were to develop beyond that, at least it was something that was allowed to develop naturally.  That is just me.  That is how I want a relationship.

And that is the way things have worked so far for Josephine and I.

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Josephine is going to be a familiar name on “Paul’s Heart” because I first actually introduced her with the story, “Meet Michael”.  That story is posted in the archives in September as well as a page on this site.  I met Josephine through her son, Michael.

Michael had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, at the age of 23.  Just one of several coincidences that he and I shared.  Another, our birthdays are just one day apart.  As many cancer patients are prone to do upon the diagnosis of cancer, he reached out to the internet for support and information about the road that he was going to be travelling down.  A friend of his family was aware of a Lymphoma Facebook page.  Michael was drawn to the number of posts of information that I was contributing.

Eventually, Michael would “friend” me as would his mother for more personal support with his own diagnosis and treatment.  They would ask questions about testing, ask for help to interpret results, and more importantly, how to react to side effects whether they were minor or major.  In 24 years, I have only witnessed such strong familial support rarely.  And just as rare, the courage and strength of someone to get through such a life threatening battle.

Over time, Michael would learn a lot about my history as well, and soon, he would make comments that he too “was a survivor” even before he finished his last treatment.  It was during his last two treatments, that through technology, Facetime, he would invite me along to his final chemo treatments.  It was during this time, unbeknownst to me, that invitation would end up preparing me for the day I would set foot inside of a chemotherapy suite for the first time in 25 years as I cared for my father.  But through that screen, as I had seen him in his home, more than a thousand miles away, I would see him in his chemo chair, eating pizza, seeing the bright and decorative background behind him, and his mother and father by his side.  This was definitely not the way I remembered my days in the chemo suite.

In the meantime, I had been looking to take “Paul’s Heart” to the next level, in book form.  I have been doing public speaking as a cancer advocate for as long as I have been a survivor and with my 25th anniversary coming up in two years, I wanted to lay the ground work for a national speaking tour, combined with publishing the book on my survival.

Josephine knew that I was interested in pursuing this direction, and offered to help me.  It was her gratitude for supporting Michael and their family.  The area where they live would be an excellent area to network and possibly find financial support for my two projects.  Coincidently, there was going to be a breast cancer fundraiser there that would be a great starting point to develop this support.  But this would end up being more than just a networking opportunity.  I had arranged with Josephine, to meet her son who was as much an inspiration to me for his courage during his battle, as I was to him for longevity since my diagnosis.

I spent the weekend getting to know Michael and his family.

But shortly after that visit, things went horribly wrong for Michael.  His treatment had caused a terminal condition with his young heart.

Again, I would be leaned on for support, emotionally and technically.  Admittedly this would go beyond anything I had ever witnessed as a patient or survivor.  But all of them, mother, father, sister, extended family, and friends, all needed help and hope for Michael.

All the while, I was going through my own issues at home.  I was in the middle of my divorce.  My dog’s health was failing.  And my father’s health was also ailing.  But one of my biggest flaws is that I always put the needs of others before myself, no matter what.  And this was no exception.

Michael passed away just after the new year, just shortly after turning 24 years old.  My father passed away this past May.

There were other circumstances that contributed to the one of the biggest decisions in my life at that point.  But as I often make my decisions based on familiarity, as well as support, I made a decision to relocate.  And it was that natural progression, that has led to something more than just a friendship.  We do not necessarily have an official name for it, because we both have been clear that we are not interested in getting married, ever again, both of us having dealt with difficult divorces.

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But in Josephine, I have found more than just a friend.  And it has happened naturally.  As I wrote yesterday, if I were actively pursuing a relationship, at what point would I have the discussion that I had cancer, and all of the other medical issues I have to live with?  And after all this time, and in spite of the circumstances, knowing everything about me health wise, and experiencing what her son went through, we have gone beyond being friends.

In each other, we have found unwavering support, as she and her former husband deal with the daily struggles with the loss of their son.  Josephine gives me daily encouragement as I begin to rebuild my life, a better life that I want to build for my daughters.  In spite of the fears from her son’s death, she courageously supports and encourages a healthy living for me, through diet and exercise, that in spite of all the health issues I deal with, I am going to live a long life if she has anything to say about it.

What is happening between Josephine and I is a lot more complicated that just having “met on Facebook.”  But however you want to say it, what we have between each other has happened part in fate, but also because neither of us were looking for anything or anyone.  Where ever we end up though, I owe the most thanks to the one person I cannot do so anymore, and that is her son, Michael.

Josephine is not only a beautiful woman, but has a beautiful heart, a kind heart.  She is a friend to every one she meets, no matter age, no matter any difference.

My children got to meet Josephine this past summer when they came to visit me, and they adore her.  Josephine adores them as well.

My ex has rekindled an old relationship and is happy as well, and the girls have met him also, and like him.

And so you have it, it happens.  People get divorced, and move on  to hopefully better times which is best for all involved.

 

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart
07 Nov 2014

From The Beginning… Again


There comes a time in every cancer survivor’s life (and perhaps even during a cancer patient’s life – though admittedly they probably have more important things on their minds), if they happen to be single or not married, when a decision is made to start dating.

Dating is hard enough, with pressures of personalities, interests, social circles, and everything else just to come to a conclusion if there is going to be any chemistry between the two, or possibly any future.  As if things were not hard enough, imagine being in the position of having to tell someone you are interested in, that you had cancer.

We often make light of just how fast a relationship develops into the physical aspect, and of course the emotional aspect, but just when is the right time to tell someone you had cancer?  Or in many cases, even more serious issues.

Dating certainly has changed over the decades since I was last “single”.  My two marriages were back to back.  There was no “Match.com” and I detested blind dates.  For me it was simple, I would get up the courage to ask someone out who I was already familiar with.  Of course, my first marriage, I was diagnosed with my cancer before we got married, so ex #1 had to deal with the cancer issue directly.  But as my first marriage ended, I began dating ex #2, who had already known that I had a cancer history, so there was no need to discuss it.  She had known me long enough to know that the only thing that would be an issue from my cancer, was that chemo had left me infertile, unable to bear biological children.

But unlike past relationships that had ended, I was in no hurry to develop any new relationship.  If I am being honest, I have no intentions of ever getting married again after the way my second marriage is ending.  This is unusual for me, because historically, it has always been my nature to start dating right away, and developing a serious relationship.  I had gone further with ex #2 than anyone in my life with feelings, development of family, and support during the toughest of times.  But the acts of betrayal that we both perceive in the failure of our marriage have hardened my heart from every wanting to unite in marriage with anyone ever again.  If I was ever to get serious with someone ever again, I will only allow our relationship to be simple enough, that if it ends, the collateral damage is reduced to near minimal.

So here I am, single, not necessarily looking to date, just looking to build my life socially which had been destroyed through the dissolution of my marriage.  To rebuild my friendships, and build new ones, it would mean that I would once again, have to explain my story, my health story in particular.  As you can read anywhere on “Paul’s Heart”, it is quite complicated, and can be quite demanding.  To accept me into a life, is not an easy decision.  For those who only want to see “positive” messages from me, I can do that.  But the reality is, there unfortunately is going to be a lot of “negative” as well.  But it is my hope that there is hope taken from the “negative” messages.

Dating was going to be another story, now that I felt I was ready to try again.  In all the romantic movies, relationships grow smoothly and according to scripts.  And they all have scenes of each other staring into each others eyes, mushy and silly conversations over dinner.  But when do you drop a bomb on a perspective date, “I had cancer.  But not only that, the treatments I went through are slowly destroying my body.  I have had heart surgery, have lung issues, spine issues, muscle issues, immunity issues, GI issues, oh, and yes, emotionally I have an issue with surviving all of them.”  Reading that last sentence, you would agree, I am quite a catch.  But not in a good way.

The complicated thing is though, I do not have to tell anyone this.  If you look at me, and without knowing anything about me, no one would ever know the train wreck that is my body.

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I can date, and date, and date, and no one would ever have to know.  Of course, if things progressed, I would certainly have a lot of explaining to do.  I have two six inch scars on my chest and abdomen, clear evidence that I had been through something traumatic.  And needless to say, once my shirt was removed, the conversation would ensue, and that would be it for the mood, and probably any future because I had not brought it up sooner.

Just as life often goes, things often happen to you when you least expect them to, a job, a house, friends, or even someone special.  You are always going to be your most comfortable, in your own environment, and amongst the people that you already know.  And they will know you well enough.

But for the first time in my life, being truly single, and with no intentions of ever wanting to be married again, I met someone who at least has opened my heart again.  Neither of us have any intention of getting married ever again, and that is actually a good thing.  Because it is going to allow us to be who we are, without having to change or concede who we are.  And this is going to be a new beginning… again.

To be continued… next post.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
04 Nov 2014

A Twist On The Parent/Teacher Conference


My ex-wife and I during our marriage did have one thing that we mutually supported and participated in, and that was our daughters’ education.  The only thing more important to us than letting children be children, is to get a good education.

I grew up very close with a friend whose family was my role model for a successful education.  Each night, the parents sat down with each of their kids, working with each child on their homework or studying for a test.  While I may not have been the best “student” and study habits to match, I did what I could, and of course, got by.  But my ex and I wanted our daughters to do better than just get by.

For seven hours a day, we trust professional, non-family members with the safety and education of our children.  For a majority of the school year, teachers spend more time with children than parents.  And while parents are usually and often the role models, it is the teachers that mold the young minds.  It is our job as parents to make sure that we support those efforts.

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One way that we show that support is by attending parent/teacher conferences.  We have never missed one conference for either daughter.  This year would be different however, with me no longer living near the school district.  The teachers and the school were happy to allow a telephone conference so that I might have the chance to hear the progress, and if any, struggles of either of my daughters.  This would be the first time I would not get to meet their teachers face to face, but the experience would still prove to be the same.

My daughters have had to experience a lot in their young lives.  Being adopted so far has not been an emotional issue for them, but has the potential.  Both have witnessed me in dire medical situations that twice left me near death, and two others just as serious.  We lost our beloved dog Pollo a year ago, the death of their grandfather from smoking and lung cancer, and of course, the divorce of their parents and the process over the last year.

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But just as every other conference has gone, it made me so proud of my daughters to hear how well they have been doing in school this year so far.  Each teacher described my daughters just as I hoped and really, knew I would hear.  I have two pleasant, polite, hard working, and helpful little girls.  One teacher commented on how my youngest daughter discussed in major detail, the summer that was spent with me.  Both teachers basically assured me that both girls were doing quite well dealing with the current issue of my divorce.  I have made it my only goal during this whole process, to protect my children from the negativity of divorce, and the evil interference of outsiders to our family.  And according to two strangers to me, but guardians of my children during the school year, my children are continuing to progress, and adjusted, just as I had hoped.

I love my daughters and there is not a thing anyone can say otherwise.  I have never been more proud of them as I am today.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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