Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

23 Sep 2017

The Difference Between Being Positive And Being Oblivious


We are now almost two weeks into the aftermath of Hurricane Irma.  Anyone who has gone through any kind of crisis, will tell you, recovery does not happen overnight.  And it is becoming clear, just how valuable experience is.

Throughout my life, I have often been told I have a “bad” or “poor” attitude.  In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.  I believe I am one of the most positive people you will ever know.  Sure, I have dealt with a lot of bad experiences over my life:  cancer, car accidents, severe illnesses, divorce, hurricanes, etc.  And it is because I have gone through so many bad experiences, I get told I am a “negative” person.  I write stories to help others who have struggled with similar situations, and I am told that I “need to get over it.”

Many years ago, a book called “The Secret” came out, as well as a movie.  I have read and watched both.  To sum up, if you think bad things, your thoughts travel out into the universe, and come back to you in actions.  Think good things, good things come back.  Some people rely on a similar method called prayer.  Pray for the things you want, and they will happen.  If they do not happen, then your faith obviously was not strong enough.

Seemingly just as effective an approach, albeit in the opposite direction is a book by Mark Manson, which I have recently started reading.  Instead of taking a positive approach through life, just stop giving a fuck about it.  Trade Pollyanna for apathy.

I definitely do not wish any ill will on anyone.  But I definitely feel bad for those who end up unable to deal with difficult situations when they occur, when they realize all the “positive” thinking and believing, still disappoint them.  Shit happens.  But if you do not pay attention to how others deal with adversity, when something bad does happen, and you get beyond the line “at least I have my health” and realize you need a bit more than just surviving, the effects can be frustrating and debilitating, almost paralyzing.

I have gotten through all the events in my life, with very positive thinking.  And it actually started with this book.  From the moment I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, all I could do was “imagine” my life being better.  Being able to see it in my mind.  And each day, I saw myself getting closer and closer to that goal, remission.  And I have used that approach during every crisis in my life that I have had to deal with.  And the common thing among each of those events in my life, it took time.  You do not just recover overnight from tragedies and crisis.  And you most certainly do not invite bad things to happen.

But there is a difference between being a positive person, and someone who just keeps their head buried in the sand, or wearing blinders.  A person who deals with things head on, simply dusts themselves off.  But the person who has to pluck their heads out of the sand, must first pull out each grain of sand from their ears.  There is a difference between hanging around people who are negative, worried only about the bad things, having nothing to offer in hope  to a solution to those problems, and only want you to stay with them in that dismal hole, and those that offer hope and guidance in spite of the bad things that have happened in heir lives.

Yes, it is only two weeks since Irma hit.  And the two groups of “positive” people are still dealing with the aftermath.  Those that realize it takes time to recover, and those who need recovery to happen quicker.  We may lose patience, and that is okay.  We just cannot let that lapse in patience paralyze us or allow it to hurt us any further.  But this is what a positive  person does, they know it will get better, and they will do what they have to get there.  And we believe that we can get there.  And will there be other crisis?  Of course there will be.  But will you continue to bury your head until you have to deal with that next event of negative adversity?  Or will you learn from the event, and use that experience to overcome once again when called into action?

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
16 May 2017

13 Reasons Is 13 Too Many


Sunday nights at home when I was a child, was “family television night.”  We would watch Walt Disney.  Other nights we might also sit and watch television together, Brady Bunch, The Nanny And The Professor, The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.  But today, with families going in fifty different directions, children now have much different interests, and parents are often exhausted from a full work day, and completing house work that needed to be done for the day.  Technology makes it all the more convenient for all the different schedules.  But whereas with family night, as with The Courtship of Eddie’s Father or the Brady Bunch, if there were issues or questions that we had as children, our parents were there to answer and explain.  Today, other than perhaps attending a movie with each other, the family most likely never sees anything together.  And that can be problematic.

There is a video series on Netflix, called “13 Reasons Why.”  Simply, it is about a teenage girls, who sadly commits suicide.  She leaves 13 recordings for individuals she blames for her making such an unfortunate decision.  Just as our society determined that cigarette smoking had been glorified in television and movies with the frequency and situations involving smoking, which was believed to contribute to enticing youth to start smoking, the same concern is now emerging with this particular series.  And there are legitimate concerns.

Before I go any further, I need to state my qualifications and interests in this subject.  I spent more than a decade dealing with youth and angst.  I was a psychology major in college.  The very first topic I wrote a paper on, was teenage suicide.  And now, I have two daughters of similar age.  I will spare all the statistics, the facts, and the statements always echoed by families “I had no idea.”

13 reasons why this child chose to take her life in the series, was 13 too many.  Even after the first reason, the issue should have been dealt with then.  But then again, that is where the denial begins.  And as it goes through reason after reason, unless those dots are connected, even the 8th or 12th reason is still considered not a credible concern as if it were the first reason.

But the girl decides to kill herself because she has finally had enough.  And this is where the message needs to be stated strongly, suicide is never the answer.  Which I do feel, this has not been made clear enough.  But the death of this child, has now been viewed by millions who now see as long as they can justify their own deaths, it does not matter how many reasons that they have.

Over my lifetime, I have discussed teen suicide with many youth, and have had to do so recently with my daughters.  Sadly, I have too many examples of when adults did not “know” anything was wrong, when clearly adults did know, they just chose to ignore issues, or blow them off as just a phase.

Last week, a student from my daughter’s school, was on a railroad track, at 5am, and was struck and killed by an oncoming train.  My daughters did not personally know her.  But as discussion occurs, and it already has among the students, since the adults have declined to deal with this publicly, the children are now dealing with this on their own.  It is a nice gesture for the school to make counselors available for the kids.  But that only works if the children go to them.  Sometimes adults need to be proactive, and for now, adults in position to help, are choosing not to.

Of course there will be fear of other children who may “copy cat”.  And then of course, extra attention may be paid to the series “13 Reasons Why”.

I am not objecting to this series at all.  Quite the contrary.  I am saying that if your child is watching it, this is an important opportunity for parents to help children understand the permanent consequences of such an avoidable choice.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
14 May 2017

Happy Mother’s Day


I sure am glad I did not forget today.  But it was apparent this morning, while at the grocery store to get some breakfast items, there were many who definitely did not remember today.  And to say it was a gender issue, with the majority of customers being men (probably 95%), is an understatement.  Yep, so many just remembered this morning in fact, today is Mother’s Day.  Fortunately, Publix was prepared to bail out the absent-minded gentlemen.  Their reputations for being the most thoughtful would be saved.

I live quite a distance from my mother, so I was reliant on the United States Postal Service to get my gift to my mother in time.  That required me to remember at least a week in advance.

I have written about the relationship between my mother and I over the years.  While not the typical “Norman Rockwell” portrait of a family, our relationship is what we have made it today.  And that is what counts.

Yes, we rely on Moms to take care of our bumps and bruises, help us with homework, and cook some of the greatest Macaroni and Cheese, but it is in adulthood that we really get the chance to see the true value of “mom.”  And then “mom” realizes her role changes as well.

My mother has gone through a lot with me as her son.  And though really I cannot take all the blame for it, because of the many health issues I have, it kind of does make it my fault.  Unlike as a child though, the care of my “bumps and bruises” as an adult are now handled by me.  For the most part, I make her sit on the sidelines, watching, trying to coach from the bench, cheering me on.  And I know she wants to do more.

I feel she has more important things to do now as my mother, at least more important to me.  At some point in a mother’s life, there is a good chance she is going to take on a new role, grandmother.  Now, while today is Mother’s Day, my mother’s role as a grandmother is important to me.

During my early childhood days, my mother had to work second shift jobs.  Which meant after I came home from school, my grandmother took care me during the week.  The majority of my childhood years spent with my grandmother, was probably the most critical period of my life as there was so much that I learned from her, not just the every day stuff, but lessons in life.  But I also grew very close to my grandmother.

Not only would my grandmother become my moral compass in life, she was the most important inspiration to me when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  She was the first cancer survivor I had ever known.  And I knew that if she could do it, I would follow in her footstep, even using the same oncologist.  Of course we know how this story has played out.  I am currently a 27 year survivor.

When she passed away, it really hit me, what I had lost.  I realized just how important a role she played in my life.

But as an adult, I witnessed other grandparents in action.  So many were just so proud to show off their grandkids and all the memories that they were making.  And the pictures all showed the same thing, huge smiles from the grandchild looking up at either “poppop” or playing with grandma.

As a parent, I witnessed this new bond and its importance first hand.  My children loved my father, and love my mother.  Right from the beginning, I made it a point to make sure that both of my parents, even though divorced, would each play an important role in my daughters’ lives.  When it came time for visits, both of my daughters were eager to make the hour long drive to visit both of my parents in each of their homes.  They greeted my parents with excited hugs and kisses, and lots of giggles.  And when it came time to leave, my daughters left with the biggest hugs and “can’t wait to see you again” kisses goodbye.  My daughters valued my parents as much as I valued my mother’s mother.

In recent times, the role of grandmother and mother have combined in a huge way, and what I once thought was impossible.  Two years ago, my mother gave me the surprise of a lifetime.  Not only was she going to get on a plane and fly to visit me, she was bringing two very important co-passengers… her granddaughters, my daughters.

It was the first time my mother had flown.  It also gave my mother some very special time with her granddaughters and vise versa.  This trip has been repeated, and will continue.  This is a special thing between my daughters and my mother, their grandmother, something all will always remember, especially me.

The best gift I could give my mother is the appreciation I have, for all the love and kindness she gives and shares with my daughters every chance she gets.  To know how much she means to my daughters, and my daughters to her, is what means the most to me at this point in my life.

I know today is supposed to be a happy one, lots of flowers, making breakfast for mom, taking mom to dinner.  And of course, flowers and cake.

But my heart goes out to so many too, who grieve on this day.  Because of my circumstances and age, I know so many today who grieve for their mothers.  And a totally different sorrow, mothers who grieve the loss of their child.  If there is any solace, it is seeing the memories that they have been sharing today, that clearly show how much each other meant in their lives, and there are happy memories to remember them by.  And it is my hope, that they can still find the ability to celebrate that love today.  Because at one time, this day meant something special in the physical sense, it should mean just as much in the spiritual sense and memories.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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