Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

13 Apr 2020
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Thanks For Ruining A Good Movie


“Groundhog Day.”  A funny movie about a little town in Punxatawny, Pennsylvania and a furry little rodent who is either going to piss off an entire country or make them happy, after he himself is yanked from his comfortable home, his reaction to his shadow is to predict the end of Winter.  In the movie, the main character, filming the story of the groundhog and town, relieves the same day, over and over, and over, that same day being Groundhog Day.  The ironic thing is that the movie was not filmed in Punxatawny, though there is a lot of memorabilia and stories all over this sleepy little area.

Today, Groundhog Day has a different meaning.  Because of Coronoa Virus, for the majority of Americans who do not believe this to be a hoax, and have a genuine interest in wanting to do their part to end this pandemic, are living in their own Groundhog Day.

We wake up.  Maybe watch a little television in the morning.  Perhaps go for a walk.  Squeeze in some reading we have been meaning to do.  Some have actually discovered that they have a family, or what it is like to have to spend time with them.  Cooking skills are being tested and perfected.  Old dogs are learning new tricks with technology, socializing through either Facebook, HouseParty, or Zoom.

For at least thirty days, some longer, this has been the routine, day after day.  And according to the experts who know better, the scientists, this is going to be going on much longer.  We are living our own Groundhog Day.  As one of my friends put it, “don’t look at it as being trapped at home,” but rather “safe at home.”

For most of us, this “reset”, has returned households back to a time, when schedules did not matter, time with loved ones and sharing traditions mattered.  Being restricted to our homes, unable to make sports practices or chorus rehearsals, meetings, part time or full time work, we have gone from hardly getting to spend any time with our families, to being able to watch and relish these special moments we would never have had.

Like others, my days are pretty much the same.  I make my breakfast, followed by a walk.  I will look through the que of stories I have started to write here and decide if I want to finish even one, or start another.  I am making progress on the book I have always wanted to write.  Since I am not getting as much exercise I would like, and this virus being one that attacks the lungs, and me having predispositions because of damage from my cancer treatments, if you walk by, you are likely to hear me singing, which helps me to stretch out my lung capacity.  As I rely on music to help me relax, I have once again dusted off my guitar.  And thanks to so many networks offering free movies and streaming services, there is no reason for me to leave the television.  I also have plenty of time to work on my cooking skills, something I enjoy.

As the reality set in about the possible duration of this pandemic, so did the concern for our fur friends, mainly, could the virus be transmitted from them.

The answer is NO!

In fact, if you have ever been a pet owner, it is during times like we are experiencing, that fur friends can get us through “social distancing” or “stay at home.”  Even better, humane societies and animal shelters all over were encouraging everyone to “foster” out a fur friend.  Sure this could likely result in a permanent situation, like that would be so bad.  But at least temporarily, it would help out organizations that are already strapped financially and physically to capacity to care for.

And if my daughters are reading this, no, I have not gotten another dog or cat.  That is not to say that I have not thought about it.  But I still mourn the loss of my last fur friend, Pollo.

But I have a problem along with my grief.  I have been watching “dog movies” again.  The offer of free movies on premium channels and streaming others, I have been watching favorites like “A Dog’s Purpose,” “A Dog’s Journey,” “Marley And Me,” and so many others.

I do it to myself.

At least I know that my love for a fur friend still is there, and that some day, I might just open my door and heart to another.  And while I like the premise of the “dog’s purpose,” it would be cool if somehow I might see my fur friend Pollo again.  I have been asked, if I would recognize him if he came back, as a different breed, or even a different gender, I know that I would.

I do know that he would be the best to be “at home with”, as he and I shared a lot of time with each other while I was recovering from all of the health crisis I have faced during my survivorship.

But for now, I look at pictures.  A lot of pictures.  My daughters.  Friends.  Places.

Honestly, I have lost track of the day of the week, the number of the date.  Just like when I was going through my treatments, I did not focus on the calendar.  If I did, and I was told that it would have to be longer, that news would be devastating.  So I just did, every day, one day at a time, and that end would come.

I never counted how many times the sun came up, and the sun went down.  But an end came to the most difficult time of my life.  And it happened by just going one day at a time, not worried about how many ahead, or how many had gone by.

And that was the genius of the movie “Groundhog Day.”  All except for the main character, had not realized they were living the same day, over and over again and had no problem repeating everything done just the day before.  It was only the main character who was aware of what was going on, that had the difficulty of dealing with the situation.

That is how we get through Covid19.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation
10 Apr 2020

How I Will Celebrate Easter This Year


It took a long time for me to open my heart to the holidays following my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  My diagnosis and conclusion all occurred around major holidays.  I kept my heart open to the religious aspects of the holidays, but as far as the commercial end, I really wanted nothing to do with the “happy” part of holidays.

It took the adoption of my daughters, the return to the innocence of the holidays for me to once again look forward to the Easter bunny and Santa Claus.  They would be raised with the religious aspects as well, but I can honestly tell you, there is nothing like the excitement and anticipation of watching your own children, rush downstairs in anticipation for what waited for them.

It was important that I carried on the traditions that I enjoyed as a child.  With my daughters being Asian, tradition is something that is one of the most important things to the Asian culture, and I wanted them to know not only Asian traditions, but American as well.

With three families to visit on Easter, Easter was the only holiday that my father had top priority with my daughters.  My dad really enjoyed this holiday with his granddaughters.  An annual tradition, was having an Easter egg hunt in his back yard, followed by a high salt ham dinner, prepared by him.  This continued until his passing in 2014.

My daughters also know this time period being difficult for me, as in 2008, just a few weeks after Easter, I learned the major way my life would change, due to late developing side effects caused from my cancer treatments.  The first such side effect, I was dying from a “widow maker” heart condition, blockage of my heart, resulting in  emergency open heart surgery.

Several years later, I filed for divorce.  As is common with divorce, there has to be an agreement with custody.  I do not refer to them as visitation, as I do not consider myself a visitor.  I am the father of my daughters, and they are with me at certain times of the year as agreed.

Already mentioning holidays not having the same value as they would for their mother, I agreed to have my daughters spend the Easter holiday with their mother, while I would still have them during the Easter break period.

And that is how it has been for the years that followed, until now.

The hardest decision that I had to make, actually several times now, has been to cancel time with my daughters.  The crisis with Corona Virus which has affected the world, has affected so many lives beyond just the health and safety levels.

While my daughters were not even born when I dealt with my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, they were there when I had my open heart surgery, and several other times, when I faced a medical emergency, including watching me be carried out of my home at 4am in the morning by ambulance, dying from septic pneumonia.  I control what my daughters hear from me in regard to the virus itself, and the possible impact with me.  But they definitely understand the risk and danger with the various exposures  of travelling to see each other.  While science points that the virus is not as much as a risk to youth, they do not want to see anything happen to me.

For the first time, I am unable to actually spend time with my daughters during this holiday period.  And it does weigh heavy on my heart.

One thing that I have always done with them is spend at least some time, in church.  Two years ago, I took them to the church where I used to run a youth group.  On Good Friday every year, the church would hold a very somber service, entirely by its youth.  It was a very powerful and symbolic service that would culminate in the service ending in darkness, and departing in silence, to wait for Easter.  My daughters enjoyed that particular service.  They understand the role of religion in my life, and what role I want it to play in their lives.

This virus has different plans though.  And for the first time, there is no church for me, at least in person.  It is not a hard decision, in spite of government officials not having the guts themselves to make the decision, not to physically attend church.  With technology available, churches have a variety of resources to broadcast services, through radio, television, or streaming.  In spite of this, there are still some churches that feel that it is their responsibility to hold services, even if God allows congregational members to contract and possibly die from the virus.  It would be God’s plan.

That is not the God that I grew up with.

I have made the sacrifices that I have had to make in regard to spending time with my daughters, so that not only would I not contract the virus, but put others at risk.  It really is not that much to ask, for a brief time period, to ask churches to do the right thing, and keep their doors closed, physically, not spiritually and technologically while our country does its best to eliminate this crisis.  I want to spend time with my daughters as much as church goers want to attend church Easter Sunday.  But lives depend on the decisions that we make.

For me, that decision is easy.  Stay home.

Happy Easter.   There is always next year.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
03 Apr 2020
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Corona And Child Custody


***Disclaimer for my trolls… This post has no relation to my own custody case or my children.  Any similarities are definitely unintentional.

One thing “staying at home” is doing, is providing me more time to research, write, and respond.

A reader asked me to clarify, or go into more detail, as to the situation of custody in a medical crisis such as our country is currently dealing with.  I gave a short answer, one that is shared on legal web sites all over – that an illness does not prevent a parent from being a parent.  In other words, if you have a custody order in place, follow it.  Because that is exactly how a judge would enforce a custody issue or rule on contempt.

First, my position.  As an adult child of a divorce, and as a parent involved with divorce and issues of custody and visitation, I am always going to be an advocate for the child first.  I know what it is like to have grown up in that environment, and I know what I must do to avoid repeating those issues in my own situation.

So the next thing to understand, there are two types of parenting following a divorce:  co-parents and combative parents with agendas.

It is very easy to recognize the co-parents, because they would not worry about the issue of how to handle a custody or visitation during a crisis such as this pandemic.  Both parents would recognize the importance of assessing risk of exposure and cross-contamination, support each other’s abilities to care for the child(ren) – something that was never a disputed issue during the marriage either, and then of course, recognizing the natural need for the child to be in both parents lives.  Both parents will cooperate in sharing communications and updates as to the health of the child(ren) as well as sharing records so that both parents are informed.  In other words, the parents act as if the parents did not divorce.  As I have always said, and even told my children, parents do not divorce, only the husband and wife divorce.

Combative parenting is an entire different issue, and with more states recognizing the importance of shared parenting, often a custodial parent is likely to use an emergency situation as an attempt to justify violating a custody order, agreed by both parents, and ordered and signed by a judge.  The long short of this argument, and supported by case examples and family law attorneys, barring a child being hospitalized or that critically ill, the child(ren) can and should be cared for by both children.

It sounds simple enough really, “best interest of the child.”  But unfortunately it is not that simple.  A spouse who is so bitter, lasting into years, even decades after a divorce, often resorts to “violating” a custody order – denying a non-custodial parent the ability to have physical custody.  Intentional or subconsciously, a custodial parent decides  either that they feel in the right to make decisions on visitations, or perhaps sees opportunities to use the child(ren) as a weapon to intentionally cause emotional hurt towards the non-custodial parent.  Of course, this behavior is not only wrong, not only offensive, but hurts the children the most, not the intended target.

The only remedy for a non-custodial parent to deal with a custody violation, is to file a contempt complaint.  Parents need to remember, both sign this agreement, and the judge orders it and signs it.  There is no contesting what is written, it is black and white.  If there is a problem with it, then there is an opportunity to modify the agreement, but, in order to do that, there must be either a mutual agreement to modify it, or substantial issues being addressed to be corrected by the modification.  Otherwise, a custody violation contempt charge because “a child was sick” will be upheld.

Again, using this Corona virus crisis as an example, if the child does not have the virus, the child has the right, and must be allowed to see both parents.  If the child, or the non-custodial parent has the virus, common sense for what is best for the child and/or parent should prevail without requiring legal intervention.  That is what co-parenting looks like.

Of course geographical location may play a role in the decisions of custody exchanges, but again, cooler and responsible heads should prevail with common sense.  Obviously, if both parents live in close proximity to each other, allowing car travel between homes, there should be no issue with exchanges.  And even if the child were to have the virus, and the non-custodial parent would not, the situation still requires a decision based on the best interests of the child (keeping in mind both parents are able to take care of their sick child as they did when they were married), and then, exposure risk of the non-infected non-custodial parent.  But again, it is a no-brainer, you make the best decision, not a selfish one.

In the event, long distance travel is required, this is a totally different issue, but again, requires communication between both parents.  Using this crisis as the example, what is the virus exposure with the custodial parent, and with the non-custodial parent?  What are transportation risks (such as air or train)?

And then of course, there is also one other major factor to consider, as pointed out, any pre-existing condition that would complicate exposure to or infection of the virus.  I have often written about my exposure risks.  And even when I was married to their mother, I had to have a plan in place, in the event that either of my children would come home from school, “carrying” something home, like chicken pox, flu, strep or any other infection.  Even though I had been vaccinated long ago for these things, as had been my children, not having a spleen makes me super susceptible to any infection, and depending on the illness, could be fatal for me.  And for that reason, I had to have a plan if we received a note from school, that another student had a contagious health problem.

Ok trolls, you are on.  I am talking about my children now.

I have not seen my daughters since February.  I had plans to see them for the birthdays, and Easter break as our custody agreement states.  But given where my daughters reside, and where I reside, flying is our mode of transport.  We all live in areas dealing with this virus.  But with my health issues, I had to make the difficult decision, to postpone visitation plans, which my daughters understand, because they know my health background.  They have witnessed me be rolled out of my home at 4am into an ambulance, and hooked up to all kinds of machines and tubes.  They know my risk.  I am lucky.  I still have various means to communicate with my daughters, especially video.

My hopes are, that within a couple of months, this situation will be under control.  I am only listening to the experts, in other words doctors, as I have been nothing but disappointed in nearly every politician who has either blown off the concern, or skewed facts and decisions.

I want my daughters to stay safe.  I want to stay safe.  I have a custody order.  A custody order is an agreement, but when both parents can agree that an exception needs to be made, and is in the best interest, it can be done without the need of a judge to get involved.

For more information, I would refer you to the website for Fathers For Equal Rights (and I would apologize because custody issues affect both fathers and mothers, so this situation is gender neutral, and the information listed on this page applies to both parents).

Fathers4kids.com, go under the “visitation” tab, and refer to “visitation rules and guidelines.”

Or, you can just do the co-parenting thing, the right thing, and not worry about wasting all the time being combative.

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