Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

02 Sep 2024

Understanding Labor Day


It is ironic, one of the most celebrated times of the year, a rite of passage if you will, whose roots were created by labor unions, those labor unions are often objected to by many, but not strong enough to turn back a last weekend of Summer down at the beach or a family picnic. Yes, Labor Day is the unofficial end of Summer for many, even going as far as to dictate fashion, “no more wearing white until the next mixed holiday, Memorial Day”, where we honor our fallen war heroes, and many just go to the beach to begin Summer. The bottom line thought, Labor Day is a recognition of the work force and the labor unions going all the way back to the late 1800’s.

Whether you are pro-union or anit-union depends if you are a member of a union, an owner of a business, a benefactor of the benefits you have negotiated in a guaranteed contract, a bitter and jealous employee with no union representation, and of course the stereotypes that accompany all the arguments for and against. I have been on both sides, seeing unions as disruptive and some times, the end of a business, and joining my first union at the age of 35, being guaranteed health insurance as just one of the benefits I was entitled to after being denied health insurance for the previous ten years, because I had cancer. Being part of a collective bargaining unit, I had to be accepted for health insurance. Being in a union and having that benefit, would save my life less than eight years later. Officially, I am a third generation member, the union I belonged to until retirement, the United Steel Workers Union. My mother and grandmother were members of the Electrical Workers Union. And I had an uncle who was a member of the United Auto Workers Union. And I have many friends in the AFT, the American Federation Of Teachers Union.

If I am being transparent, early on, and I do mean early on, as in my childhood, subliminally aware of my family members belonging to a union (my grandmother was actually an officer and my mother was a shop steward), I really gave union chatter no mind. I know that if I heard anything about unions, it was mainly the inconvenience that was about to impact our household financially, as a strike approaced. And then to influence me any further against unions, was a stereotype, supported by Hollywood with varous films. The first movie I ever saw involving the concept of unions, was F.I.S.T. starring Sylvester Stallone (if I’m not mistaken it was released after Rocky, which was the only reason I wanted to see the movie). But the union was presented as a bunch of thugs which is not something I can support. Hoffa with Jack Nicholson was another movie showing the negative side of unions. Then Norma Rae with the “Flying Nun” Sally Field came out, showing an empathetic ear to workers needing to have better working conditions. And more currently, North Country with Charlize Theron, based on a lawsuit for sexual harrassment in 1984.

Other than being an employee in my first union, I found myself in an unusual position of being a candidate for our local school board. This unplanned detour in my life came about, as my daughter was preparing to begin school, which was about to be interrupted by a teacher strike. And like many uninformed citizens, I was outraged by the inconvenience that was going to come my way, and like many of those citizens, do nothing about it except bitch. That is, until the school board candidates that were running for re-election did something I felt had crossed a line, taking out a full page color ad, publishing the salaries of every teacher in the district, a bargaining method against the teachers union, but blasting information meant to infuriate the community. And for many it did just that. But for me, having been through one contract negotiation with my current employer, I saw something that was not right. The board candidates were trying to negotiate in public instead of in good faith with representatives from both sides. Long story shortened, I call this a bully tactic which I did not like, and I ran for my first political race.

(picture courtesy of Sportster)

There often is disagreement in whether unions are good or bad. There are laws in place to guarantee the right to form a union. Famously, one attempt that got a lot of attention, and one could argue was needed, was for professional wrestling. Though it is considered sports entertainment, its risks and skills are no differently than other professional athletes. Yet, when pro-wrestler and former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura secretly tried to organize a union, it was Hulk Hogan who went to WWE owner Vince McMahon and blew the whistle. Think about it. All Ventura wanted was better pay, and better health protections. But there is something that comes along with being in a union, its members are treated as equals. So, with the majority of other wrestlers making four or five figures, compared to one or two making seven or more figures, Hogan wanted no part of that, wanting his prestige. Forget the money issue, negotiated health care especially in a career that sees many of its participants crippled or dead by their 50’s or even earlier, their current status is left on themselves to provide their own care, if they can afford it.

In 1991, soon after completing my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I left my employer for a better opportunity (more money). Unfortunately, I gave up my insurance coverage by doing so, my new employer unable to cover me because of my “pre-existing” condition of cancer. But I was healthy again, so I was not worried about health insurance for the time being, and saw the new career opportunity to big of a chance to pass up. And then in 1997, and even bigger opportunity came up in a completely different direction than I could ever have anticipated, working for a major pharmacutical company. There would be one catch. Starting out entry level, yes, I was going to make double what I had been making, but I was going to be given health and life insurance, NO QUESTIONS ASKED! These benefits are given collectively, to all of its members. I could not be turned down even after all I went through.

There were things I would learn to like and dislike in being in a union. The hardest thing for people to understand, is that all its members are on an equal footing from pay to benefits, to opportunities for new positions as well as protections of job security, called senority. Senority actually led to opportunities for different positions in the company that could give individuals like me, with high on-the-job-learning-skills, the ability to apply for even better positions which of course with higher labor grades.

But the most important thing I gained from being in a union occurred in 2008, which I have written extensively about on this blog. My heart went kablooey due to damage from treatments for my pre-existing condition of cancer. Being in the union, had me covered with the health insurance I needed to save my life. From that day on, I needed that insurance as I found myself having to deal with multiple issues all related to that time back in 1988. Being in the union, at least I knew my health insurance was not going to let me die. So yes, I am pro-union.

My experience with the insurance end of benefits, as wel as rights of the American With Disabilities Act and the Family Medical Leave Act made me popular among my co-workers when needing support against company management when attempts were made to punish employees for health reasons. And because it was soon discovered that I understood the contract as easily as I understood health benefits, I was elected one of several shop stewards to represent my co-workers in my department.

There are people who feel very strongly against unions, they have their reasons whether they be misinformed or flat out selfish. Perhaps unions would not be needed if employees were paid livable wages, given health protections, heck, treated like human beings. A simple concept really, but I believe it, a happy employee is a dedicated employee, which can only translate to benefits for the company. I believe it is a false trope that unionizing causes prices to go up. Take any company that squashed unionizing who still raise prices of their goods, minimize manpower, and still come away with CEO’s making 350% more than their employees while making billions in profits. Look in some retail and fast food installing kiosks to do what a human once did all with the cries of a CEO saying this is what happens when you pay a worker more, laying off other workers and STILL raising prices of its goods, still making the same salary for the CEO and profits.

Labor Day may be the last hurrah for the Summer down at the shore, but to those who have represented and fought, for those in unions and not, this is what you can be thankful for the labor movement according to the Department of Labor:

  • The Fair Labor Standards Act, this is for wages and OVERTIME. It covers age restrictions under 16 years of age, and 18 for jobs deemed too dangerous. It limits hours for students during school days. And yes, it also covers laws in regard to immigration and nationality.
  • The Occupational Safety And Health Act (which is enforced by OSHA) which enforces workplace safety and health.
  • Worker’s Compensation, there are so many written acts covered under this, requiring employers to protect employees with an insurance for workplace related injuries.
  • Employee retirement benefits and laws for pensions and COBRA for health insurance and HIPPA for privacy rights
  • The Labor-Management Reporting And Disclosure Act
  • Employee protections such as the act of “whistleblowing”
  • Uniformed Services Employment And Reemployment Act which guarantees a worker to return to the job they left behind to serve their country
  • Employee Polygraph Protection Act, yes, evidently we need that
  • Garnishment of Wages protections
  • Family Medical Leave Act
  • Veterans’ Preference
  • Government Contracts, Grants, and Financial Aid
  • Migrant and seasonal aggricultural worker protections
  • The Federal Mine Safety And Health Act of 1977
  • Construction and transportation
  • Plant closings, layoffs, and postings

As you can see, there is a lot to be celebrating today, and to be thankful for those who came before us to fight for these protections, and to keep them. As for unions, they may not seem perfect, and they may not seem fair, but the benefits that come from them, far outweigh the way workers could end up being treated without them.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
04 Aug 2024

The Quiet Place


No, I am not talking about the horror movie. But I am referring to a different major emotion. Yesterday was a day that I had repeated so many times prior, though this time had a much bigger impact on me, the end of Summer visit with my daughter(s) (my older daughter had returned previously).

In the first half of their lives, we had never been apart from each other except for one time, and it was a “biggie,” my emergency heart surgery. Unfortunately, later on, divorce would create what my body’s health betrayal could not do, separate us. In the end, I would become a “non-custodial” parent which meant that my daughters would spend the majority percentage of time with their mother, which is not to be confused with “legal custody” which referred to everything else in regard to my daughters, which was “shared” equally at 50-50. I crafted my own custody arrangement following the disappointing attempt by my attorney. On paper, it was a cooperative agreement, with the intent to avoid conflict especially around holidays, all the while allowing me to have quality time with my daughters.

Because of technology, the absence between us and our visits, I was able to talk to and see them whenever I was able to get through to them, which was suffice in between our actual visits with each other. I can tell you, as an adult child of divorce, I wish my father would have had that option available to him. Technology would have helped him to get around the issues he had with my mother. But that is another story.

So all that was left to enjoy, were the visits, which could be long weekends, or extended visits during holiday or Summer breaks. With each of their visits, it was often like we were never apart. The routines of making meals, doing laundry, taking them places, and just having fun, were no different than when they were younger and when we all lived with each other. But, when it was time for them to go back home, upon me returning home, alone, is when it hit me.

(photo courtesy of statecollege.com)

Silence. Total and complete silence. No one to cook anything for. The televisions was not on. No one was asking me for anything. There was no one to see or look at. It was quiet. It was empty. Then it hit me, I was dealing with something I had not heard since my psychology classes in high school and college, “empty nest.” The analogy does not get any simpler than that, baby birds hatch, grow, and then fly away from the nest, leaving it empty. While my “birds” were not flying away forever after each of the custody visits, the feeling was the same.

Yesterday’s emotions felt differently however. I know they did. Sure, my “baby birds” would return to the nest for other visits, but now, as they enter their sophomore and junior years of college, I can see things are different, much different. And I could not be happier for them, because this is the moment that I wanted for them, to take the things that they learned from me, and forge their own paths, create their own futures, make their own lives. With their early years of college life finished, they now have experienced the one of the final things they needed to do, feel their independence, learning to not only make their own decisions, but take into consideration the rewards and the consequences of those decisions. Both have taken major opportunities already, bold decisions that I never imagined so soon, proving to me and to those that know my daughters, that my daughters have bright futures ahead of them.

But knowing how strong and independent my daughters are, did not make my return back to the house, alone, any easier. It was quiet. Dark. No activity. The television was not on. No one was in the kitchen enjoying a snack. The laundry basket was not filled. Empty, the “nest” was empty. However now, it felt like the empty birds nest. My daughters schedules this year, and from here on out, are labor intensive, socially demanding, and then, still to be taken into consideration, time off to still be split between their mother and I. They will also want to spend time with their friends, and possibly, no, likely, significant others of their own.

I think what makes it especially harder for me now, and anyone who knows me knows this about me, my daughters are my world. As I faced that heart surgery back in 2008, the fear I might never see them again, combined with my complicated health as a long term cancer survivor, and a tense ten-year custody arrangement which is now ended, I find it anti-climactic that all the motivation and goals are behind me, leaving me to focus solely on the health issues that may lay ahead of me. I need to fight this feeling, because there is still so much that I want to experience with my daughters, their college graduations, weddings if they choose, and their children if they are so blessed.

(photo courtesy of Wild Things Food)

Living in Florida, I see nature and the circle of living every day. In the back yard, I have seen three baby deer over the last four years. I get to watch everyone grow, hanging around their parents, and then one day, they are on their own. And then the next generation begins. I guess that is where I am at right now. My daughters are into the next phase of their life, and will do great things, for which I am so happy and hopeful for. I do not know if the offspring of wildlife run into their parents anymore once they leave, but I know, as a human, I am definitely planning on it. Our visits will be shorter in duration, and who knows if the time will be enough to fit everything in. I do know, it will never be enough, ever again.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Jul 2024

Running Out Of Summer Memories


I have a lot more Summers behind me, than I have ahead of me. Memories that I have of Summers in my youth are only slightly more than the photos I have as pictured above, not many of those either. I recall this little hard plastic shell pool, filled up with garden hose water. Once school age, I graduated to the town swimming pool, eventually learning to swim and jump off the high diving board (and learn the hard way what a “belly flop” was).

(picture from Google pics)

The other frequent activity during the Summer was the weekly trip to Shankweiler’s Drive-in to see a double-feature movie. Since it is likely that noone after Gen-X has any idea what this was like, allow me to describe it. You park your car in front of a giant movie screen. There were likely two movies being shown; a younger age-appropriate movie, then a movie for the older crowds, the first starting once it was dark enough. You hung a two pound speaker on your car window for everyone in the car to hear the sound, or as others did, simply set up lawn chairs or sat on the back of a pick-up or station wagon. In between the movies, there was a rush to the bathrooms, the refreshment stand, and to the playground directly below the screen. You were a real boss if you stayed awake for the entire second movie, and had enough mosquito bites to “connect the dots” with a Sharpie.

Toward the end of my youth, my Summers were spent working. One of the best seasonal jobs for teens was a local amusement park. I spent a lot of visits at Dorney Park as a child, and it was a totally different experience operating the games and rides. But still, I had so many memories. I just do not have a lot of photos.

There would be even less photos in my twenties, as my life was interrupted by a cancer diagnosis, Hodgkin’s Lympoma. There was no social media or internet at the time, so there was no desire or behavior to take pictures. There were two weddings over the next decade and a half, but as they both ended in divorce, those are pictures that won’t get posted. Besides, other than the weddings, my Summers were spent working, especially overtime, no need for pictures of that.

But with parenthood, came a new approach to Summers, and a lot more photos, much to my daughters chagrines. For the last twenty years, although I had worked many hours during the first ten years, my memories are as clear as the photos that I put together in photo album number one (500 photos).

We took trips to the beach, travelled to various places. I even pulled off the ultimate trip, to a “super Con”, where my daughters got to meet some of their favorite Manga characters. It should be noted, I also got to meet some celebrities in attendance as well, such as the original Karate Kid, Ralph Machio, pro Wrestler, Jerry Lawler, and the one and only Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.

But as much fun as I could pack into the two months of Summer break for my daughters, there was one thing I felt was important to be done, every Summer. It was not fun, well, not really, but necessary. In full transparency, I did not have a lot of support with school, just a reaction when I would flash my report card (again, for millenials and Gen-Z, these were paper copies of the grades that were sent home each marking period). I really had no role model for how to parent my children during the Summer breaks. But as my daughters were both good and hard working students, my fear would be during the Summer, if there were not some sort of learning exercises, even just fifteen minutes per day, that could lead to some habits making it hard to get back into the groove once the Fall rolled around.

Each year during the Summer, every day, usually during the time I would be getting ready for us to go out, I had my daughters complete a few worksheets of exercises from reading to math and other learning opportunities. It wasn’t tedious or boring. Most importantly, it kept them in the habit of “learning.”

Those workbooks stopped being a “thing” around the beginning of middle school. And as my daughters got older, while we enjoyed our Summers with each other, I felt it became more important for me to start sharing things that they would need to learn as they got older, to prepare them for adulthood. Again, not having the typical examples set for me to learn responsibility, I had in my head things that I felt were important for them to learn, such as learning to save money, budget, and prioritize needs and wants. I wanted to make sure that as they came of dating age, that they “took care of themselves” from a hygiene point of view and more importantly, what to expect of anyone interested in having a relationship with them. I wanted them to learn money management, responsibility, and decision making. I took opportunities to have them learn first aid, visit historical museums, and volunteer visiting animals in shelters.

There are no bigger opportunities for decision making than they have as adults now. With the custody order officially closed due to both aging out, they alone are now the ones who make the decisions to visit me here in Florida. They know they constant reference to “Cats In The Cradle” by Harry Chapin, and were are now at the point of their college tenure, balanced with working during breaks, and spending time with the tri-fecta package of mother/father/friends with any available time. I have made it clear, as I have warned them that their “free” time was going to be even less these days, and I know that time would have to be shared in many directions. I asked both only one thing, something that has really become a tradition, and emphasized to them even more important than spending holidays, if at all possible, all efforts made to spend Father’s Day with each other, as we have done every year (with the exception of two years that were beyond my control and will not be discussed in this post). It is just now, instead of spending most of the Summer following the weekend of Father’s Day with me, I have taken as much pressure off of them, and asked only a few days of that holiday weekend. Any other time of the year, we will make arrangements as we can, based on schedules, and likely even split between both my daughters as their schedules will not always align.

But there is one final thing that I did need to discuss with my “now adult” daughters, while I had them in front of me, not to be discussed over the phone or by text messaging. My daughters are aware of my health history, part of which they have read about in my book, “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor” and my history with cancer, but it has been the second half of their life, that they have personally witnessed the many episodes of ill health I have faced due to the treatments from my cancer. For years, they have been told by many close to them, that I was “fine,” in clear contrast to what they were being told by me. In recent years, and even in spite of Covid19 policies, through Facetime, my daughters were able to be with me during my 3rd heart surgery, to replace my aortic valve. My daughters know my health is far from “fine,” and those who try to convince my daughters otherwise in an attempt to portray me to their advantage are only hurting their relationships with my daughters.

My daughters know I have legal documents in place as to my “living directives,” what will happen to me, should I be unable to decide my medical care for myself, but my wishes stated in writing and certified. But there was one thing I needed to discuss with them. A recent visit and CT scan, has led to a new level of an old concern that I have been aware of for sixteen years. There is a new term being used in the results of that scan, besides the characteristics continuing to have changed, “adenocarcinoma” (cancer) is now being mentioned in my report on my one lung. Though the circumstances behind their grandfather dying from lung cancer (a smoker), and a nodule on my lung (likely from radiation treatments 35 years ago), I wanted to have the discussion with them in person so that they could see, that currently, adenocarcinoma is just a word being used, and the type, unlike my father’s cancer, is a slow enough developing cancer, that it is quite possible nothing may be done with it, that my mortality would have an end due to a different issue before this cancer would have any impact. But my daughters would hear everything from me, not what “others” wanted to tell them.

Sure, hearing the word “cancer” is scary whether you are the patient, family, or friend. I knew of this news for a couple of months, trying to figure how I would discuss this with my daughters, knowing that hearing “lung cancer” would detour their thoughts to their grandfather. My situation is completely different, and right now, manageable.

No, not the way I had planned our last Summer together of the final phase of their childhoods, but I definitely feel a lot better knowing the heads that they have on their shoulders are more thoughtful, empathetic, and definitely have learned that the things they are doing today, are going to lead to opportunities tomorrow.

All too often, non-custodial parents, usually fathers, are referred to as “Disney Dads,” a really bad stereotype, implying that since the parent is allowed only minimal time with their child, it is always spent doing “fun” things like going to amusement parks, or the beach, not doing any of the hard stuff. Not only did I find this term offensive when I first heard it, I fought any attempt and opportunity to level that claim at me. The truth is, to this day, regardless of how much time I get to spend with my daughters, and in the future with my daughters, I have not changed. I am still about memories and lessons as I know they are not far away from the next phases of their lives, serious relationships and personal responisibilities. They will hit the ground running once they graduate college and hopefully secure good jobs, remember the things that I taught them, and then live their own “cats in the cradle” lives. My second photo album of 500 photos has already begun being filled, and will hopefully include more faces in the future.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Food, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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