Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

Learning To Relax


I have three main sources of my visible stress, only one of which I make public, though the other two are known by select few.  The other sources of my stress end up internalized.  Given a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, my stress level is easily at 10 nearly 85% of the time.  The other 15% of the time, if I can get to sleep, there is a reduction in my stress.  I am not sure, because it probably depends on how long I sleep, if I get into a deep enough sleep, and what I am waking up to.

My doctors are more than concerned with this, because stress is not good.  There are any number of maladies that I could be facing from stroke to heart attack.  I am on several prescriptions all meant to help keep my stress down.  I see a therapist regularly for my stress (as well as survivor guilt issues).  Medically I do what I can to relax, but it is not enough.  And since I am not willing to give up my living, a job that I actually enjoy doing, I must find other ways to decompress.

There are common ways to relax such as meditation, yoga, and even jogging.  For me, I get through my work day with music.  I plug in the old ear buds, turn my Ipod up as loud as it will go, and I am off.  Yes, it is very loud.  But you know what?  I do not hear anything.  I do not hear gossip.  I do not hear complaining.  I do not hear bad news.  I am able to place myself in another totally different situation mentally.  This was huge during chemotherapy, during convalescing from my heart surgery, and many other medical times.  But at work, I need it to get through my day.

Norman Vincent Peale wrote about “positive imaging”.  This was a concept where you simply took your mind to the place that you hoped to be in the future.  In terms of a cancer patient, for me, I was done with chemo, hair had grown back, weight lost, and life had been back to normal.  I think that any time you take your mind away from your present stress, it can be relaxing. 

Deep breathing.  You want to talk about feeling differently without even moving?  I have seen the directions written differently, but the concept is to change your pattern of breathing which I believe would change your brain’s thinking.  Some exercises have you inhaling through your nose for a count of five, holding for five, then exhaling from the mouth for a count of five.  You could do 5-4-4 or 4-5-5, I would imagine any formula would work.  I do around ten sets of this breathing  technique which often helps to calm me down.

Exercising can do wonders.  Any movement with your legs, walking even with a quick gait, breathing in through the nose, and out from the mouth, will provide immediate results of relaxation. 

I recently did a post on how much my golden retriever means to me.  Simply all pets are capable of providing stress relief.  And with cats, even comic relief when a laser pen is involved.

Psychotherapy.  Unfortunately, seeing a “shrink” has such a negative connotation or stigma attached to it.  But I can admit that I see one.  I have a major issues with Survivor’s Guilt (from many incidents in my life), but she is also crucial for stress management.  I am not crazy.  I am not depressed.  But I am thankful to have her as part of my survival care.

Prescription drugs.  For me personally, this will be a last resort.  I have had the ocassional anxiety attack prior to a medical procedure, where I was encouraged to take something, but refused.  In general, I do not believe taking prescription drugs accomplish anything with eliminating the stress, as I say, “only hiding from it”.

Finally, I have found a new form of relaxation, martial arts.  I have certain limitations due to my physical survivor issues, so I believe that I am only going at half speed.  But the relaxtion comes as I am on the floor, concentrating one hundred percent on the techniques and forms.  If I do not pay attention, I will get waffled in the face.  My partners tell me that I do not seem as limited as I believe, and am fairly accurate with my moves.  But for at least that hour, I accomplish something that I have not been able to do to this point, relax.  I have totally eliminated the stress for that our, without medication, and hopefully enough that when the next day comes, my stress is at a lower level than when I left it the prior day.

I must reduce my stress.  If you doubt what stress can do, stay tuned.  I am going to show you what stress actually looks like and what it does to the body.

The Care And Keeping Of You


Prior to Wendy and I becoming parents there was one thing that we had not given thought to as parents, protecting our child from pain.  I am not talking about the “fell off the bike” pain or “the neighborhood kid punched me” pain.  During a visit to the ER, we saw a father carrying his small child past our trauma area.  She was limp, hopefully just very sleepy.  The doctor was making his way from room to room and had left our room to go the next room which is where the little girls was.  I am sure, just as with us, there were a lot of questions to find out what was wrong with the little girl.  And then we heard it, the blood curdling screams.  I looked at Wendy as said, “they must be trying to get blood from her.”  We cringed with every scream and our hearts soon sobbed with her cries.  But at that moment yet, we were still just thinking “that poor little girl.”

Then it hit us.  It REALLY hit us.  The child’s screams and cries suddenly changed from random and numerous, to focused, emphatic, and demanding.  “DAAADDDDDYYY!!  THEY’RE HURTING MEEEE!!!”  Two different feelings were occuring in me at that moment.  First, I know how I would react, Wendy as well, if anyone were to inflict pain on our children.  But the second, she had to have been watching her dad stand there, not doing anything while the tech stabbed her with the syringe.  She all but accused him of letting the tech hurt her.  This was one thing as a parent, neither Wendy or I had given any thought to.

But there are several difficult things that I have anticipated being a father to two girls.  Changing diapers was a piece of cake.  Rocking the girls to sleep?  I miss that horribly.  Boyfriends.  The change.

So I am sitting at the kids’ karate class with other parents and Madison sits down next to me.  She starts scratching her legs like she is some sort of scratch-off lottery ticket.  I asked what was the matter thinking maybe we were using a different detergent, maybe the sweat was getting to her?  She blurts out, “it’s the hair on my legs!  I have hair on my legs!”  I could not reach my ears with my fingers quick enough to plug my ears and do the “la la la la la la la” thing.  I know what I heard.

A parent sitting next to me said, “you know Paul, she is nine.”  And I looked at her ready to give her the Nobel Obvious Award and quickly responded, “yeah? so what does that have to do with anything?”  Denise responded, “girls, anywhere between nine and twelve… you have to prepare her.”  I had no idea what she was tallking about.  I knew growing hair was a sign that she was getting older, but I honestly did not put everything together to realize the bigger picture.

Evidently my confusion was showing.  Denise continued, “The Care And Keeping Of You…”  Taking care of me?  I had no idea what she was talking about.  “It’s a book.  You need to read it with her.”

About a week later I was at the hospital for a couple of my appointments.  In between appointments, I will do one of two things, visit the Barnes & Noble around the corner from the hospital, or grab something to eat.  This day I had a little more time in between appointments so I managed to do both.  Barnes & Noble had the book, it was from The American Girl Doll series.  So I bought that and a couple of other books for both daughters and headed off for lunch. 

I usually eat at the same place every time I am in Manhattan, and I am usually in an out within approximately twenty-five minutes.  But today, the service was a little slow.  As I waited for the waitress, I figured I would take a quick look at the book I needed to read with my daughter.  The first several pages were harmless, talked about changes, emotional, hair growth.  Okay, time was running out, so I skim to a little more than half-way through the book.  Breast development?  Quickly, flip away, backwards!  No, I flip forward a few pages.  Inserting a tampon?!?  With pictures?  What the Hell?!?  I was no longer safe flipping backward as I was too far into the book, and I was more afraid to turn any further ahead.  I could do only one thing, and that was look up and away.  And there she was, the waitress looking down at me with some questionable look of disgust.

I tried to assure her, “it’s not what it looks like.”  What I thought was taking a lot longer for lunch, soon became true fast food.  I put the book back in my backpack, finished up my lunch without looking back up from the table, and went to my final appointment. 

I arrived back home, handed the book to my wife.  I told her the book started off great, and good luck from there.  I am not about to talk tampons with my daughter.  Having been raised in a house full of women, I would think that I would handle this better.

My Story, Your Comments, The Future – What It All Means


I have to laugh when I think back to my college English days.  It was my second year, and I had received my first negative comment/grade on something that I had written.  All through high school and the first year of college English, I truly enjoyed  the various projects and topics that I got the opportunity to write.  But then second year English came along and changed that with my very first paper of the semester.  I got ripped apart by my professor.  And it was enough to make me put my pen away.  Every now and then I would pull it out to send something off to a local newspaper if I felt like stirring something up, but that was all.

But then an opportunity came up.  Though I have been involved with the program a couple of years, I am still learning the who’s, what’s and where’s of it.  The hospital that I travel to has a program of creative writing which joins up the writer, usually a cancer patient or survivor, with a writing coach.  And it is that simple, nothing more complicated.  There are opportunities to go further, such as writing articles for its cancer support newsletters and an awesome book called an Anthology which is published annually.  Each chapter published is also written by a patient or survivor of cancer.  And if even luckier, some of those chapters are selected for a live performance by professional performers at special survivor’s event.  I will have my second submission printed in that anthology this year.

I realized then how energized writing was making me again.  And to have a coach assist me in many of my writings gave me a completely different direction.  I made the decision that I wanted to write my own book.  I am still tossing around idea about the topic or topics, fiction or non-fiction.  But I had to do something with everything my brain was pushing out.  A very dear friend to me made the suggestion to put my stories on a blog.  There was some hesitation just because it was an entirely new concept to me, to be extremely public (beyond a local newspaper).

So I took her advice, created several topics which I have a personal interest or advocate for, and then I let my fingers do the walking.  I will do my best to mix up the topics so that no one loses interest, but also, I do not want to overwhelm anyone with many of the serious subjects that I write about, so I will try to mix in some lighter writings.  But it would end there would it not be for all the comments, compliments, recommendations, and constructive criticisms that you all have given me.  I am thankful for the efforts that you support me with by sharing my blog stories and recommending me to your friends.

I have several projects currently under way and I have literally dozens of new posts begun.  “Paul’s Heart” is more though than just some ramblings that escape the pocket between my ears.  It has also provided me with some very much needed self-therapy.  It has personally been amazing to look back on some of the things that I have been through, several which I had long forgot about.  But I am also developing a strong appreciation for the things that I have gone through and where I am today.

Ultimately, I hope that no matter what my story, it provides you with the needed laugh, the welcomed comfort, inspiration and hope when all seems unreachable, and so much more.  I have been so touched by many of the comments I have received as I honestly did not expect the deep sincerity and history of some of the comments.  I thank you for helping me and encouraging me to write about “Paul’s Heart.”

Paul Edelman

Post Navigation