Paul's Heart

Doing The Right Thing

There are things that guide us as parents. We want to give our children better lives than what we had. We hope that by the time they graduate from high school, we have done all we can to prepare them for the adult world ahead of them. There should be no regrets for what was done or not done.

My daughters have plenty of memories of playtime and travel with me. But they also know that I was one of two key figures influencing them as they grew up. Our conversations with each other today are less about homework assignments or the latest Disney movie, now concerned with majors and minors in college.

In recent conversations however, I found myself surprised by a couple of thoughts from my younger daughter during a recent phone call.

“Do you think I was too strict with you and your sister?” I can admit to being a bit of a “helicopter” parent, even to the point where my daughter would lecture me, “you need to let us fail some times, otherwise we will never learn how to get back up.” Her response to my question really took me by surprise, as I was naive to even wonder how she would know of such behavior, “no, because you never hit us.”

“Never hit?” Of course I never hit my daughters. This really shocked me to hear coming from my daughter. I could not help but wonder how she equated being “spanked” or slapped, with being strict. Clearly she had heard stories from friends who unfortunately may have been treated that way. But my daughter was relating strictness with delinquent behavior, something my daughters really had no issue with.

As I tried to convince my daughter how I felt that I had indeed been strict with she and her sister, with what I felt was a fairly convincing list: completing homework, eating, bath time, school attendance, behavior in public, yes, I thought I was fairly strict. Her response, “that is just what a parent is expected to do.”

As a child, I was never punished physically. And to be honest, I never really understood the concept, of trying to correct a bad action, with one of violence (spanking or slapping is violence), teaching that the only way to correct a bad behavior is with brutality. I was not a perfect kid by any means, but I never did anything, I think anyway, that warranted that level of punishment. Therefore, I never treated my daughters that way.

During Thanksgiving break from college, my daughter texted me, “how come you didn’t force us to do anything like a sport or activity?” Much like the “strictness” situation, I struggled where this would even have come from. She explained that she had been watching one of the pro football games (actually forced to), and she equated that to get to the level of a professional football player, it required a level of commitment from the parents to make sure that the goal could be reached, and all the rewards that would come with it.

So I started with the basic. “I didn’t and won’t force you or your sister to do anything.” While I can appreciate the efforts and commitments by my friends with their children to find something of interest to strive for, in hopes of some level of professional achievement, I was always taught that those who reach that level, are so lucky because the odds are so difficult. Take football, out of the couple hundred of players drafted from the college level, how many thousands will not have been given that chance? What else do they have planned for their future?

So I explained to my daughter, that I had no intention of raising she and her sister with any expectation of a professional athlete or entertainer, for the hopes of living vicariously through them. All I wanted for each of them, was to find something of interest to them. I wanted them to find out for themselves what they liked or wanted to do, not what I wanted for them. All they were expected to do, was to give enough of an effort and if necessary, a commitment to make their decision, and if possible, without impact others (such as a team or group function). And with that I would support them all the way.

The first go round we had with finding anything that my older daughter might have been interested in, was dance. She was actually a natural at it. And that was a problem. She did not want to wait her turn during practicing. We tried this for several weeks before finally deciding dance would not be the way to go.

Following a friend’s birthday party, both had expressed interest in karate. Both picked it up fairly quickly, with their own “persona” of intensity. While this went on for a couple of years, it was not necessarily going to lead them anywhere and eventually came to an end. Then, each went their own way.

My younger daughter showed an interest in music attempting various instruments from violin, flute, guitar, and piano, but none, able to earn her commitment. My older daughter meanwhile chose to go the vocal path with choral music. Still not grabbing 100% of her attention or interest.

Then it finally happened, at least for my older daughter.

One day, I noticed her doodling on a game tablet piece of paper. She was maybe eleven at the time. And she did this all the time. In less than five minutes, she could have drawn a full character, usually styled in “manga.” Eventually, she found an avenue for this talent through school, and today is studying at one of the best schools for art.

My younger daughter, is still trying to find something to sink her teeth into that will keep her interest. She likes a challenge, but not the impossible. She does not care for ease as much as she likes being busy. Really I believe her to be on the cusp of what she will want to be and do.

The thing is, their directions came or will come by their hand. My role was and still is to encourage them, and make sure I do all that I can to make sure they have the tools and education they need for success.

As I get to the end of this post, I do remember something that I did force my daughters to do while growing up. I made a promise when they were baptized to follow through on the sacraments of their baptism (communion, confirmation, etc.). They had completed everything except for confirmation, and then their mother and I divorced. As I was the driving factor in this process, and not the custodial parent, it looked like the final part would not happen. Through creativity however, during a Summer visit, I found a pastor in our faith, willing to do a “speed” confirmation process, and they were confirmed. I explained to them, whatever their direction in life for them and its relation to religion was up to them. I wanted to make sure that everything was done for them in religion, should any requirements in their future come up, they can say that they completed everything.