Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the tag “heart surgery”

31 Jan 2013
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Another Anniversary – What A Way To Spend It


When I started this project, “Paul’s Heart,” I had two motives.  The first, I wanted to see if I had what it took to write a book, about what, I was not sure.  But I needed to see if I had the ability and the commitment.  And second, I wanted my voice to be able to help at least one person who is struggling with something.  By documenting the many struggles that I face and have faced, I hope that it gives hope and courage to get beyond the struggle.

I have been  very public with some personal stories.  I figure that once I made the commitment to “blogging”, transparency is what would make my blog successful.  Some of my stories may be difficult to read because they stir up old emotions or memories.  Admittedly, the stories can also be quite graphic, and I try to give fair warning when those stories reach that level.

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with yet another doctor to discuss a recurring symtom that was so difficult to deal with just a couple of years ago, as it appears it is returning.  I do not want it to return to the level that it had gotten to before.  I will be discussing the procedure of an endoscopy, which is basically going to be pictures and biopsies if needed down my throat into my stomach.  Care must be taken because of the overexposure to radiation during my treatment days.  The doctor will be looking for what is causing an increasing inability to swallow and frequent nausea (with no warning or apparent cause).  If possible, this will be done along with a colonoscopy, often referred to as a “man’s worst nightmare.”  I have resisted this procedure, in spite again of the radiation history as well as some other unusual symptoms.

But it is time, time to “man up.”  But instead of a night out with the guys, or watching a football game, I now have a new excuse for getting out of our anniversary dinner tomorrow, and Valentine’s Day as well.  Wendy could not possibly hold it against me that my doctors want to check me out for my own health, could she?

It will be eleven years tomorrow, and Wendy will have been dealing with all of these health issues with me for nearly half of those years.  She knew about my cancer history when we started dating, my inability to have children as a result of my treatments, but nothing could have prepared her for the statement, “your husband needs to have emergency bypass heart surgery.  We have him set up for first thing tomorrow.”  And with that, began a different direction than we had planned for our lives together.  But I could not, and I emphasize, would not have been able to do it without her.

So our anniversary tomorrow will not be the most romantic, if at all.  Depending on my arrival time home, we might be able to get a quick dinner.  As for Valentine’s Day, um… I am not sure what to expect as far as how my belly will be feeling after having cameras going in through each end.  While the endoscopy is not usual for the average healthy person, for someone with my health history and radiation exposure, it is common.  But a colonoscopy is common.  I have tried to avoid it.  I know the benefits of detecting colon cancer early.  So, for all my reasons in delay, I will dispell those myths following the procedure, after I “man up.”

Happy Anniversary Wen.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart and tagged , , ,
20 Jan 2013

Can Being Bullied Be A Good Thing?


Over the last few years, especially with my 2011 school board campaign, I had many conversations about bullying in schools.  I have been an advocate for bully prevention forever.  In today’s schools and neighborhoods, I do not believe any level of bullying can be tolerated or treated as a “phase all kids go through.”

Bullying in school is frequently referred to in my daughters’ karate class by their instructor.  He does not teach them to attack bullies, but rather get help or defend.  But if a child must defend themselves, then by all means the child will.  But it was a conversation with a couple of parents that spurred this post.  I was talking to one parent about her son being bullied and how the school district is doing nothing to prevent it.  According to the parent, the child is in an alternative placement along with another student who is frequently physically assaulting her child.  I will not get into specifics of the case because I have only been told one side.  But I will say this.  No child should have their civil rights violated by being physically abused by another student.  If what the parent says is true, that this behavior is repeated, and the school has been notified, and so has the school district that placed both students, then the school is condoning the acts and the district is ignoring the acts, both by simply ignoring the complaints.  This is going to sound harsh, but if no one from the school or the district will control this situation, then the parent should involve the local authorities with formal charges against the bully for assault.

Just then, another parent joins in the conversation and begins to discuss bullying issues that his children have had.  But the father went further by explaining why he would not tolerate behavior like that at all against his children.  He revealed at that moment that he had been frequently abused in school by bullies.  He did not goin into reasons, but the point that he stressed, was the impact that it has had on him as an adult.  Honestly, I have never seen him bust a gut with a laughing fit,  but he has expressed a sense of humor, albeit a dry one.  But he got my attention with what he told me that he did not consider funny.  I will not go into those boundaries, because the point I want to make is how his being bullied as a child has made him the way he is today.

And that got me to thinking.  How did my being bullied in school affect me as an adult?  Quite simply, I do not choose my battles.  I will not back down from anyone for anything.  If I really do not believe in something,  that I am being urged to do or support, I will not, no matter the cost.  It is almost as if, all the crap I took from everyone back in school, I would never put up with any in my adult life, ever.   Having no one stand up for me, I will fight for everyone and everything.  This kind of thinking has not been good for me.  I have lost friends.  Family alienates me.  And there are frequent quarrels with Wendy. 

The majority of my co-workers despise me because I choose to do my job ethically, while they would rather cut corners, work unsafely, just to have hang-around time and socialize or surf the net.  But they are also good at slandering me and making false claims against me.  I do not let them get the upper hand, even if I happen to get in trouble.  I rely on my reputation for my work to speak for me.

Salesman have no chance against me.  Insurance reps, do not even think about ringing my door bell.  You might get away with mixing up my food order.

But my toughness from being bullied I thnk conributed to how I deal with my health.  For starters, I took on my battle with Hodgkin’s Disease never thinking the possibility it would take me.  Recovery from all the side effects was taken on the same way.  I would over come.  My heart surgery, bouts with pneumonia, all recovered under my direction, my determination.  But I get through them because I am so physically tough, a high tolerance for pain.  But that is what is keeping me alive.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Politics, The Heart and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
13 Jan 2013

Working While Going Through Treatments Or Not Recovered Enough


It is amazing.  From the moment I was diagnosed with my cancer, I could feel the resentment from my co-workers.  Think about it.  When we hear of someone having cancer we think, “aw, poor guy” or “why her” and most likely some other stereotypical responses.  But for some reason, from co-workers, unless there has been some sort of life-time bond,  will most likely feel resentment.  My co-workers in 1988 were not different.  I did my best to minimize my time lost from work for diagnostics and treatments.  In fact, in nine months of chemo, I missed a total of eighteen hours of work.  That’s right.  I missed the last hour of work, two days a month.  And my co-workers were jealous of me for it.

If I need to be fair, because I really did not talk about what I was going through.  I did not want anyone to know what it felt like that I was going through.  When I had good days, no one would know any different, and if it was a bad day, I did all I could to hide it.  I did not want to be any more of a burden to them, than what I was.  But that was not good enough.  The jealous attacks were relentless and would eventually cost me any shot of promotability, because I “could not get along with my co-workers.”

As I underwent all of my treatments, I risked exposing myself to everything that these people brought into work with my immune system being run down from the chemotherapy.  Simple colds would carry extra danger to me the least of which delaying my treatments if I got sick.  The stress from the fractured relationships also were difficult to tolerate.  Given the choice, I do not think I would work while undergoing treatments again.  It was not worth it to me, and it made no difference to them if I was there or not.

Over the next many years, I had been fortunate not to have any other major events to require any kind of lengthy absence.

But nearly twenty years later, that same ugly behavior would show up.  After the initial shock that I had emergency heart surgery, a little over a week later, co-workers had been babbling about me at work.  It seems that I was spotted walking in public.  Imagine the gaul that I had, walking around my block, getting the exercise that I was ordered to do.  Forget the fact that I had to stop at the end of each street as I went around the block.  Word got back to work that I looked totally okay and healthy.  I was spotted in the drive-thru of a Dunkin Donuts by a supervisor after dropping my wife off at work and kids off at school.  It did not matter that we only had one car at the time, and I had follow-up doctor appointments and cardiac rehab to get to, but I was reported to be out joyriding. 

When I returned back to work following the heart surgery, which I had been threatened by my employer with termination, because even though the doctor wanted me out six months, my employer decided I could go back in three, I convinced my doctor to release me.  And she did so, with some stipulations.  With the ADA (Americans With Disability Act) to support me, there would be some restrictions on what I would be able to do, which because of the size of my employer, they would have to accomodate.  Also, because we do not park on plant site, my doctor had given me a temporary handicap placard for parking.  I was still getting short of breath, and with the warmer more humid weather coming, this was going to be an issue.  The first day back at work, someone complained to management that I had been parking in the handicap stall, and if I was not better, then what was I doing back at work.  Now realize, this is the same person complaining about me being out of work.

Four years later, I am still dodging these horrible jabs from my co-workers.  I have had a couple more issues pop up, and then of course there are the many doctor appointments that I have.  But hey, I am not on social security or unemployment right?  That should be an admirable thing right?  HELL NO!  Each day I go into work, risking my health being exposed to who knows what just because someone will not call in sick.  And really, I have had no real absentee issues except for a couple of bouts with pneumonia and sepsis, other than my appointments.  I still am a fairly reliable employee to show up for work.

But my co-workers know something is wrong with me.  I do not discuss anything at work anymore.  But they sense it.  And for that reason, I appear to be a threat to them.  I have wathced them chase several people from my department and into retirement.  One co-worker who had MS was forced out because he could no longer handle the harrassment and sabotage from my co-workers.  I am a little more thick-headed, but I definitely allow my stress and blood pressure go to heights that no one should endure, especiallyl when they are on medication for blood pressure and have cardiac issues.

Would I work through treatments or rush back to work, just to make my co-workers happy (which I know would not)?  Or would I be better off staying at home?  Taking the time to heal and recover?  I would have to sacrifice everything I have worked for, but my job is coming at the risk of my daughters losing their dad, and my wife her husband.  My last bout with pneumonia, was double pneumonia.  And more than a month later, I am still dealing with its effects.  But tomorrow will be my eighth straight day working, with another five to go before the possibility of a day off.  And for what?  To shut my co-workers up?

Posted in Bullying, Cancer, The Heart and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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