This machine almost killed me, literally. To this day, it still haunts me when I see it. Yet, repeatedly, I have had to face this demon, as part of the recovery from not one, but three heart surgeries. For at least four months that I can recall, I would climb up on the eliptical, begin, and moments later, develop such a tightness in the left side of my chest. The heartrate on the telemetry of the machine, had climbed from 83 to 152 beats per minute in less than a minute. And then, the tightness was gone. I continued with my exercise for a full hour on the piece of equipment, then proceed for an hour’s worth of strengthening and weight training.
But I was annoyed by the way my trip to the gym always began. Only in hindsight, did I discover, this issue developed anytime I was putting a physical stress on my body, such as snow shoveling, mowing the lawn, or certain tasks at work. And just as with the gym, the tightness would disappear soon after it began.
I reached out to my doctor, who, on a hunch, and I do mean a hunch, especially for a forty-two year old man, felt that given my past history with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and the treatments of radiation and chemotherapy, that a stress test on my heart was warranted. It made no sense to me, as I had no heart problems (spoiler alert, there is a reason they call cardiac disease the silent killer) that I was aware of.
Though the date was April 16th in 2008, today, it is actually today, Wednesday marks fourteen years since that stress test was given, and would change my life forever. Cancer survivorship took on a whole new meaning for me.
The following sentences and phrases were written on my report:
“Exercise stopped due to EKG changes with chest tightness, indicating some sort of ischemic response.”
“There is a large in size, moderate in intensity defect involving the entire anterior wall (of the heart), anterior apex, and anterior septum on stress images. This is consistent with significant left anterior descending artery territory ischemia. Ejection fraction is 38%.”
I was told I needed to speak to a cardiologist about what all this meant, because just as my first visit with an oncologist (aka cancer doctor), I knew what a cardiologist was. I just did not expect to need one.
The doctor did not mince words with me, completely confident that I was dealing with a blockage. It was not known how bad but he was certain I had at least one. Confident and casual about the situation, he assured me, “I want you checking into the cath lab right now. We will pop a couple of stents into you first thing in the morning, and you will be good to go in about a week.”
For the full conversation, check out the page “CABG, Not Just A Green Leafy Vegetable” here on “Paul’s Heart.”
Of anything that I have accomplished in life, nothing has more meaning to me, than being a father to both of my daughters.
Since the days they were placed in my arms, I did all that I could to nurture them, teach them, and inspire them to cherish and love each other. They often hear me tell them, “you are going to be best friends.”
Just as a younger sister would be expected, she looks up to her older sibling, not necessarily following in her footsteps, but learning from her. Will the things she sees be perfect? Not always. But that is what will form her own direction.
My daughters make a great team together. Whether it be playing a claw game, or some other arcade entertainment, or helping each other with a school assignment, they have learned early on, that they can rely on each other.
Not only do they have fun with each other, sometimes gut wrenching laughter, they remind me how much there is to enjoy in life. They have no issue with, or allowing themselves to be silly.
It has been one of the biggest blessings of my life to have the title of “Dad” to my daughters. I am amazed at all that they have done through the years, mostly with their own initiative, and know that whatever they put their mind to as adults, happening right now in fact, they will achieve it.
The next several years will be an adjustment for them, physically being apart from each other. Except for an occasional overnight or trip, this has never happened. But as I have already learned, technology gives us so many more opportunities to keep in touch than we had decades ago. These next few years will develop who they will be in the world. But forever, they will always be siblings, and yes, best friends.
Like many music fans all over, I mourn the loss of one of the greatest musical talents, like so many, gone too soon. Being my age, a lot of bands that I grew up listening to over the years, have lost members, and of course, now that many of those bands have members with ages in the 70’s, it becomes anticipated.
Not since the assassination of John Lennon though, has a popular musician’s death, really had such a deep affect on me. Sure, the deaths of David Bowie, Prince, and so many others, made me sad, because for one, there was never going to be new music, and two, that meant the music that I enjoyed most, would never be replaced with anything as substantial or meaningful. Yes, I really have a hard time listening to today’s music and thinking, “yeah, this is going to have a lasting influence on the music world.” Sorry, too many of today’s musical acts are nothing but fads, phases, and the “act of the day” pushed by music companies looking to make a profit.
Taylor Hawkins, drummer and vocalist for the Foo Fighters, and other projects, died at the age of 50, just six years younger than me. The circumstances of his passing are still uncertain. At this time, just speculation. But I will tell you, fifty years old is too damn young to die. The news of a 911 call, with a complaint of chest pain, from a fifty year old, causes flash backs for me (a post upcoming soon on Paul’s Heart).
The Foo Fighters are one of my all-time favorite bands, so, being the music geek that I am, I delve into their history than most others who just listen to music for noise. It is one of the appreciations I have for the musicians in the band. I know the commitment they make to their craft. And while the main lead singer and guitarist/drummer Dave Grohl, Hawkins was commonly by his side.
To watch Hawkins play, you could only wonder where the Hell does he get the energy and stamina to play at the level of intensity that he does. But fans of the Foo Fighters know that Hawkins was more than just a drummer, he was an accomplished vocalist as well. He was known to cover Queen’s “Somebody To Love” in concerts, and there was even a performance with Queen’s Roger Taylor on drums, playing with Grohl and Hawkins for “Under Pressure.”
As I said, it is when you get into the music nerd world of Hawkin’s history, that you see that he was much more than just a drummer. Before making it big, he was the drummer for Alanis Morrisette during her “Jagged Little Pill” days. Comments by other musicians remarked how Hawkins loved to dive deep into the “why’s” and “what’s” of the processes and history of music. In short, he lived and loved music.
There is one image that will always stand out in my mind, a moment, where Hawkins not only realized who he was, where he had gotten to, humbling at the experience. While filming a Foo Fighters concert at Wembley Stadium in England, the band finishes a song with the crowd just screaming in enjoyment and applause. The camera focuses on both Grohl and Hawkins, who clearly have an “oh shit” moment, “is this really happening?” This particular stage and experience does not happen to many, such as Queen, or the Live Aid concert. Truly this was a great moment, and both of them knew it.
Like I said, bands lost members for one reason or another, often tragically. And over my years, Chicago (Terry Kath), Queen (Freddy Mercury), and the Eagles (Glen Frey) just to name a few have passed away. Somehow, and selfishly of fans, we are glad when bands like these can overcome their grief and continue on, not always perfect, and definitely not replacing the loss. But we are glad the bands continued to make music.
For Dave Grohl, Taylor is not the first tragedy of someone close to him, especially musically, he must morn. As one of the members of the grunge band Nirvana, Grohl was devastated by the suicide of lead singer, Kurt Cobain. Most in music found it hard to think that we would ever hear music like Nirvana had given us, ever again. No one definitely saw the Foo Fighters coming. But when they did, it was instant success, just like everything Grohl seems to touch, again, by Grohl’s commitment to, and love of music.
But now, Grohl is morning again. Hawkins has been the drummer for the Foo Fighters for over two decades, often side by side with Grohl. There is no way to even understand what grief Grohl must be feeling, as I got pissed off this morning by a Fox “story” on the “first sighting of Grohl” in California since Hawkin’s passing. Paparazzi are such ghouls.
It is rare that a drummer gets as much attention as Hawkins has. Unless you are Ringo Starr, Phil Collins, Don Henly, or Neil Peart, you get attention as a drummer for antics such as Tommy Lee Lars Ulrich. I can name quite a few other drummers, just as a fan of the bands I listen to (Danny Seraphine of Chicago, Jeff Plate of Tran Siberian Orchestra, I could go on). But Hawkins was more than just a drummer. He was a course in musicianship and appreciation.
During their final concert before Hawkin’s passing, lead singer Dave Grohl told the crowd, “I don’t say goodbye. I don’t like to say goodbye. I know that we’ll always come back, we’ll come back. Will you come back? If you come back, we’ll come back, so then I won’t have to say goodbye.” It was soon after that, Taylor was gone. Kind of prophetic those words and what they would mean in the near future as all future tour dates and an appearance on the Grammy’s were cancelled. And who could blame Grohl or the rest of the band? The grief has to be unimaginable.
But as fans, we are selfish. We want more. We want more Foo Fighters. And if anyone can do it, it will be Grohl leading the way, and in a manner that honors Hawkins. All they have to do is look at their song, “Times Like These.” The main message of the song, “you learn to live again.” It is my hope, just as many others have gone through a tragedy like this, the Foo Fighters can continue on, just as their music will, and the memory of Taylor Hawkins.
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