Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

It’s About The Human, Not The Game


This morning, many of us, are getting an unexpected anatomy lesson of the heart. Though the catalyst occurred as an injury during a professional football game, the discussion around most breakfast tables and office water coolers is much more consuming.

Last night, the Cincinnati Bengals hosted the Buffalo Bills, in what was considered an unofficial “playoff game” with the end results affecting playoff positions for each team. In what looked like a normal tackle that football fans had seen thousands of times before, would soon become an event that no one would ever forget. Upon completing the textbook tackle, Bills Safety Damar Hamlin got up, as if to prepare for the next play, and suddenly fell backwards, unconscious. Hamlin is just twenty-four years old. And I use the verb tense “is”, because although reports claimed he went into cardiac arrest following that tackle, and needed CPR, and was revived on the field of play, he is currently being treated, in critical care. Everyone is concerned for this young man, and hopefully his full recovery.

Young man. Heart issue. Where have I heard these two phrases together before? Oh, that’s right, as I laid on an operating table at the age of 42, preparing for emergency bypass surgery for a fatal condition I was unaware I had, caused by treatments for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma eighteen years prior. Since 2008, I have had two more additional heart surgeries, and will likely undergo more in the future. My purpose for stating this is not to say I am an expert, as I am not, is not to compare the situations, as they are not similar, but to say, I understand what is being explained as to what happened to this young football player.

Again, the play itself looked fairly routine, even if a bit more high energy, because it looked like a big play was being stopped. But as powerful as the heart is, its activities are often silent, or unknown to us. We go through our daily activities without giving the beat of our heart a second thought. It is something that just happens. But as myself, and plenty of other long term survivors of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma will tell you, there is so much more to the beat of a heart, and the various conditions that can exist. Unlike the normal and healthy human being, and perhaps the unknowing human, we are more aware of our heart’s condition.

I am not going to get too technical, as even I will get lost. But the heart has a basic rhythm as pictured above. There are five components, called waves, labelled P, Q, R, S, T. I honestly do not understand the mechanics, but I do know, that if there is an abnormality on your EKG, you will get attention. I do know that in my case, and ALWAYS gets a lot of attention from doctors unaware of my condition, that I have what is called an “inverted T” wave. As you can see from the picture below, compared to the one above, this is not a normal condition.

This “inverted T” wave can be a serious issue, as it is often a sign of what is called “ischemia”, a blockage, or what would likely result in an event of a stroke. Again, not going too deep into the weeds with this. Just know this, this inversion, shows that there is a potential effect on the blood flow through the heart. And this is where Hamlin’s tackle comes in to consideration.

It has been explained by various medical experts on various news programs, that a potential hit to the chest area, during this “T wave” part of the heart rhythm, could impact the flow of blood through the heart, and yes, causing cardiac arrest. While it has not been specifically stated by the Hamlin’s doctors, the speculation is that this “perfect storm,” the tackle and the stage of the heart beat, is what happened. There will likely be more discussed on this, days from now.

Nonetheless, the horror of watching any athlete collapse to the ground, is something we as fans just do not get over. But this time is something different. I recall watching the game where Washington Redskins quarterback broke his thigh bone during a game. I was watching both Jets and Lions games, when Dennis Byrd and Mike Utley were both paralyzed following collisions with their helmets (separate games). Even recently, with all the concussion injuries, these titans still manage to convey to us, usually with a “thumbs up” as they are carted off the field, this situation was different. Whether at the game or watching it on TV, this was different. Hamlin was unable to communicate with us. Everywhere you looked, fellow players, on both teams, were in tears. These seemingly tough guys, though trained to play through all kinds of pain and conditions, were suddenly witness to something, no one could have prepared for.

Of course, the conversation has begun on safety and just how common a situation this might actually be, even if occurring for the first time with the NFL. One news network actually stated a more common occurrence among teenagers aged 14 to 15, involving either a baseball or hockey puck to the chest. Stop and think about that, we hardly, if ever, hear about that. This situation can also occur during an auto accident. This cardiac phenomenon is called “commotio cortis”, caused by a sudden impact to the chest leading to cardiac arrest.

There are plenty of movies that innocently, and often times comedically show a recipient of a chest punch, gasping for air, with the assailant explaining “you will be alright in a few minutes.” One has to wonder with all of the boxing and MMA fights, we have not seen or heard of this before. I know with my own situation, a wired breast bone from my open heart surgery, I have always been sensitive to any impact to my chest for instance, wearing a seatbelt, knowing that in an accident, my breast bone could snap and damage my heart. And do not get me started on the act of CPR on me, if necessary, as it was explained to me how common it is, for ribs to get broken while CPR is being performed.

But this was such an unusual occurrence, and tragic. Hopefully Hamlin will recover fully, only time will tell. And unlike in 1999, when professional wrestler Owen Hart fell to his death from a rapelling accident during his entrance to the ring, and the WWE continued its Pay Per View after Hart had been taken out, the NFL did the right thing, and postponed the game.

We do not know if Hamlin had any other cardiac issues. Like me at 42 years old, why would anyone suspect a 24 year old to have any heart issues? Why would any of us suspect to have anything wrong with us? But the truth is, it can happen, and depending on the circumstance, that is when we find out there is a problem. And for some it can be too late.

My thoughts are with Damar Hamlin, his family, and his teammates and wishing for a full recovery.

Making, Saving, Remembering Christmas Memories


As I wrote previously, I am not a big fan of this time of year. That is not to say that I do not have good memories. In fact, I have plenty, really the only reason I do not give up on the holidays completely, the hopes that someday, I can find a way to embrace them as I did long ago.

Many years ago, I recall making a comment, that my maternal grandmother, was the “glue” that kept us all gathering together on the holidays. That when she was gone, so too would be the traditions of Christmas Eve service, presents the next morning, and the best Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas feast featuring homemade stuffing (we did not call it dressing). My grandmother’s final Christmas with us, we had two tables completely filled. At the time, we were unware that would be her final Christmas.

1997 was her last Christmas, and as anticipated, the last time all of us had gathered together completely. There would be miniature gatherings throughout the two days of Christmas in the years that followed, but none as we had done in the past. Today, those Christmas’s are just a memory.

Any hopes I may have had of turning my attitude around about the season, came with the arrivals of my daughters. There had been both renewed traditions and new ones created, all to the glee of my daughters. As in my past, health issues and at least one tragedy would once again have a permanent impact on my anticipation of future holiday seasons. But of the years that were free of the difficulties, there are so many memories.

Unfortunately, divorce would have a major impact on the Christmas holidays between my daughters and I. I would not necessarily call it a bad impact, just different. With sharing time between their mother and I, I volunteered to let them spend the actual holiday with their mother, while I would see them the day after. This arrangement allowed me to separate the negative that I carry with me about the holidays, by not actually celebrating on the actual date, while recognizing the special time that I get to spend with my daughters each holiday. Over the last nine years, we have all of those memories.

So there is a new chapter of holiday seasons coming next year. With both daughters attending college, one has a unique schedule, which means that the Christmas holiday may just be the only time I get to see them both at the same time while they are in college. But we will continue to make memories.

I do not necessarily believe in horoscopes, but the one pictured above was sent to me. I read it in amusement, I cannot say that I anticipate anything new to happen with me or my friends, but January will begin a year of change. One that will finally bring me relief of stress, struggle, and conflict. I will hope, it is a lot to ask, to have a second consecutive year without a health challenge. This past year was wonderful not to be under a knife or poked. I cannot remember the last time that consecutive years of decent health happened.

Finally, as we enter this season, my heart is with all my friends and family, who are celebrating Christmas, some their first, without a particular loved one, whether it be a spouse, sibling, or tragically, a child. No matter who is missing from the celebration, the pains may be different, but they are still real for the person impacted. I know that I still grieve for both my grandmother and my father, which I guess is a way of still keeping them in my heart this time of year.

I am not sure if I will get another post off before the end of the year. As I mentioned, I have some fun planned for my daughters when they come to visit after the holiday. So, in case I do not get to write anymore this year, I wish you all a happy holiday (there are too many for me to list each one, the only reason I don’t – don’t read into it with political correctness), and I hope your New Year is healthy and prosperous.

We Don’t Call It That Anymore


I follow a lot of comedians, well, because I like to laugh and think I have a fairly well-rounded sense of humor. I do have my limits, and just move on when a line gets crossed. But a TikTok from comedienne Amber Joy Layne, actually left me scratching my head in wonder, more that it did have me laughing. Do not get me wrong, her punchlines were perfect. But as the saying goes, “it would be funny if it wasn’t true.” The subject of Layne’s bit, was the subject of referring to STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) now as STI’s (sexually transmitted infections). Now usually during a standup routine, any reference to an STD would have been to the “how” or “when” it was acquired. The dialogue leaned towards the de-stigmatizing or lessening the severity of how bad or shameful one is supposed to be, if one gets an STD. As Shakespeare wrote, “a rose by any other name is still a rose.” So, no matter what you refer to it, it is still what it is, a disease. And it does nothing to increase prevention or treatment options. I guess, by referring to it as an “infection,” it makes it less embarrassing to deal with.

This TikTok triggered me however, in that something I was diagnosed with, at some point since my time, had become renamed. In November of 1988, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. And until the doctor followed up Hodgkin’s Disease with the word cancer, I had no idea that the two terms were even related. Regardless of the words “disease” or cancer, I was going to have to fight for my life using harsh treatments and methods. The results, regardless of what my Hodgkin’s is referred to as, I am a thirty-two year survivor.

But somewhere along the way, someone decided Hodgkin’s Disease needed to be renamed. Nearly 300 years ago, Thomas Hodgkin’s discovered the abnormality in the lymph system (though credit appears to be given nearly 200 years earlier to Marcello Malpighi in 1666 – credited to Dr. Ananya Mandal and her paper in Life Sciences Medical News). But in the year 2001, the WHO (World Health Organization, not the rock band), published that the preference was to refer to Hodgkin’s Disease, now as Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Though I know a lot about Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and a decent amount on cancer in general, the reason for the change is so way over my head that all I can offer from what I read and tried to understand, was that it had to deal with molecular mumbo jumbo. Yeah, the paper lost me after the word molecular.

But there you have it, there was a scientific breakthrough that led medicine to feel the need to change the name of a cancer that I and hundreds of thousands of others had been diagnosed with, from disease to lymphoma. Now, keep in mind, we already knew that Hodgkin’s (whatever you call it) was a cancer of the lymph system. So perhaps, for the lay people, using lymphoma helps non-patients understand what and where Hodgkin’s is. After all, breast, lung, and colon all speak for themselves. But Hodgkin’s, who knows.

I guess though, there may be an unintended distinction between those of us diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease versus Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, though both are the same thing. Those of us treated for the “disease” appear to have been treated with much more harsh, and many will agree, experimental therapies, that have left many survivors, like me, with late developing side effects from radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Those being diagnosed with “lymphoma” are more likely to be treated with the less toxic treatments. So, there is that.

So, was this name change really necessary? Or just for someone to get their name in a journal? Or has it really made a difference?

And then there is non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Here you have a cancer, but instead of coming up with an original name, you just say it is “not” Hodgkin’s because it is a cancer of the lymph system, but it is not Hodgkin’s.

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