Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

11 Jun 2023

Same Time, The Next Year, Same Reason, Different Meaning


When I travelled back to China to adopt my second daughter (my older daughter also from China), there was a different feeling, an increased confidence, in knowing what was expected to happen, because I had already done it once before. Many of the days throughout their lives, often played out this way, my older daughter, setting the bar, “teaching” the experience, as if to make it easier for her younger sibling.

And for the most part, that is the way that it has always played out, until now. My older daughter graduating last year was rough on me emotionally, but I am finding out, all the experiences that led to this day, my younger daughter graduating, have not made this time any easier.

As my older daughter graduated last year, for me personally, it was a major milestone for me on two counts. I had navigated custody and divorce successfully, and retained my relationships with my daughters, in spite of efforts of many to see otherwise. But the other issue that made this date so special, I really did not know if I would ever see either of my daughters graduate because of my health issues, related to late developing side effects from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma thirty-five years ago. On at least three occasions, my health reached critical levels, nearly dying, and four others severe conditions requiring extended hospital stays. To say me getting to see my older daughters graduate is a milestone, is an extreme understatement.

To be clear, my milestones included seeing both of my daughters graduating. And that time is upon me now again, this week. But it feels differently this time with my younger daughter. My health has been stable for two years now, and I see something different approaching me now with her graduation. Both of my daughters, of adult age, are out of high school, and on to the next chapter of their lives. And no matter how many times I go through childhood photos, I cannot stop this next step.

Nor do I want to stop this next step. As they begin their adult lives, they have chosen their paths, and it is up to them to walk those paths. I recognize this part of their lives. I have seen this play out once before, in my life.

As I have mentioned, I am an “ACOD”, adult child of divorce. I spent a majority of my childhood estranged from my father. It was in my adulthood however, that my Father and I turned a major corner in our relationship, reconciling the time of my childhood, lost by decisions he had made. Instead, we would build what I call our first stage with each other, just learning how to relate to each other as adults, trying to learn things from him, that I might just need to know as a grown up myself.

My Dad ended up not in the greatest of health also, and I would often end up coming to his assistance for tasks around his house, and of course through his battle with lung cancer toward the end of his life. But I needed to learn as much as I could about my role as a father to two grown children while at the same time, witnessing the joy he experienced as a grandfather. Together, he and I learned so much from each other.

As my younger daughter processes down the aisle to receive her diploma, along with over a thousand other students, this time, instead of reaching a milestone, I will also be turning a page, looking forward to the next milestone, quite some time away, but it will be as adults, all of us.

I have done my best during their childhoods to be the best role model I could be for my daughters. Not having a normal relationship with my Father growing up, I winged the relationships with my daughters, going on instinct, as well as recognizing what I felt that I missed in a broken relationship with my Father, to make sure that the same would never happen to my daughters. I have taught them values, morals, what to expect and demand in relationships, and to respect themselves as well. I am hoping that I have been able to teach them, by example, not to make the mistakes that they may have witnessed by me and their mother, by showing the correct way to value materials, live within means, and to experience life. I have made sure they understand, while life is something that just happens, and while some things may come with ease for them, much if not most, will only come with hard work, intelligence, and some luck, not to rely on things just to fall into their laps.

So yes, I do not look at this graduation as just having reached another milestone, though clearly I have, I am turning the page to a new chapter, officially with both daughters now heading into their own adult lives. And just as I was with their childhood, I will be there every step of the way, supporting their decisions, answering questions they may have, and hopefully be relied upon for advice in the many grown up decisions they will be making as adults themselves, such as serious relationships, buying a house or any other large purchase, and God forbid, and support with their health.

I could not be any more proud of both my daughters and what they have achieved. And as my younger daughter walks into that stadium, my camera will be focused on her, for her final moments of her childhood.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
04 Jun 2023
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National Cancer Survivor Day 2023


Today is National Cancer Survivor Day (the entire month is recognized as National Cancer Survivor Month). Today, marks 35 times I have seen this day since my fight with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma occurred back in 1988. Being a survivor of cancer, regardless of how long it has been, is no easy fete. The struggle to survive is both physical and emotional, and though remission is often reached, and the struggle seems to fade, it never completely goes away.

I often consider milestones or anniversary recognitions in regard to cancer, as bittersweet. To this day, 35 years later, cancer is still the number two leading cause of death, just 20% less than heart disease, and 33 % worse than deaths related to Covid according to the CDC (Center For Disease Control). Cancer has taken six of my relatives. I can no longer count how many friends and fellow survivors I have said goodbye to, either directly from cancer, or survivorship related issues, their bodies just unable to take any more of the trauma from long term side effects from their treatments. Bitter.

But the sweet part, a continued life I never thought I would have, mostly, a family. And here I am, less than two weeks away from seeing my youngest daughter graduate from high school. There is irony. She was named after my grandmother, a two-time cancer survivor, and will graduate on the same date as the day my grandmother passed from her second cancer, changing the mojo of that day from one of sadness, to one of joy. And I know my grandmother is looking down and watching all of this unfold.

Merriam-Webster defines “survivor” to “remain alive” or “continue to exist, function, or prosper.” When we think of surviving something, our first thoughts usually go to some sort of catastrophic event, such as an earthquake, plane crash, or cancer. When we think of surviving an event on that level, there is one stand-out characteristic that all of those events and more have in common – we do not volunteer for them. There is nothing or no one on standby to prepare for something horrible to happen, to reduce casualties or injuries.

Which is what really frustrates me about television shows that hype themselves with “survivor” as the theme, of course I am referring to “Survivor” and Bear Grylls new show “I Survived Bear Grylls.” While I do enjoy competition style television, one major peeve I have are shows that claim survivorship. Again, an actual trauma victim does not volunteer. If they survive, they have every right to call themselves a survivor. But competitors on television shows like this, are volunteer, actually auditioned for. These shows are not about survivorship other than being the last person standing, a matter of endurance and strength, oddly enough, two characteristics of most if not all cancer survivors. But again, the difference being, cancer survivors never volunteered to get cancer. There is no cash or prize award for beating cancer.

I think what triggered me on this, while flipping through channels, I came across Grylls’ new show. The competition at the moment, Grylls hyped up as “man’s worst fear – being buried alive”, the contestants being placed inside a container, made of snow, with more snow piled on top of it, to simulate being trapped in an avalanche. Now, to be clear, if this had happened, an actual avalanche, and you survived, you get to call yourself a survivor because you did not volunteer for that to happen. While I doubt being buried by an avalanche is man’s worst fear, again, cancer? Hello?, Grylls explained what needed to be done and how fast. In the real world, you would either live or die, but this is a set, granted a natural set, but with several crew there to assist, risks of fatality are kept to a minimum. Cancer patients don’t have that kind of protection or assurance.

So, if you really want to know what a cancer survivor is and actually looks like, take a look around. We are all over the place. Some have gotten to enjoy life, completely worry free and in remission, others like me, continue to deal with late effects from our treatments, but we are still surviving.

How about someone making a television show about real survivors?

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
25 May 2023

“Funemployment?”


Do not bother looking for this word in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary just yet. It is not a word, for now. But it is a term that has appeared recently, meant to be critical of today’s youth in reference to delaying entry into the workforce. Politically, a certain part of society would label these youth as lazy, not wanting to work. But an essay by Suzy Welch in the Wall Street Journal recently, brought up a different aspect as to why “Gen Z” is in no rush to apply for jobs.

To qualify Welch is a professor at NYU. She had been teaching MBA students when the topic came up about what they would be doing after college. A student who answered Welch, said she had no plans, and was just going to take advantage of some “funemployment.” The concept of “funemployment,” being the time period in between school or a job, and another job. This concept is really about attitude and approach with being unemployed, not being afraid, intimidated, or panicked with being unemployed. They simply just plan on being chill.

Anyone who has ever been unemployed for any reason, terminated or resignation, is likely to have felt the unbelievable stress, experienced mounting cash shortage, and possible eviction from their homes. It seems, this generation, “Gen Z,” may be on to something even bigger, perhaps by having seen their parents experience negative consequences during periods of unemployment, and simply have found a different way to deal with this period of time. They also may have seen their parents rush to take a job, just for the sake of taking a job, and being miserable for it, resulting in the entire household becoming one of misery.

Think about it. I know my daughters over their youth, while knowing only one company that I had worked for, knew that I had spent many overtime hours at work, totaling on average between 50-60 hour work-weeks, and often felt mistreated at work by my employer. They knew that my job also carried somewhat of a physical risk. And when my health started going south from my late effects from my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, they saw how poorly the company thought of my worth. Though discussion of work with my daughters has not come up yet, I know that one thing I have encouraged both to be a factor when choosing a career, find something you have passion about and do not be forced to make it a job or work, and that will be something they can make a career out of.

One thing I will say about my daughters, I do not believe they are afraid of work. They have been and continue to be good students, carrying good grades. Their education has always been a priority for me, so I was not a parent who pushed for them to participate in year round sports, or as they got old enough, to get part time work. While there was definitely a reason to get part time work, from social skills building to earning money for personal things, maybe even save for college, my concern was sacrificing the time that was needed in the evening to complete homework, share family time with each other, and of course, make sure that they got plenty of rest and a good dinner. Anyone who ever worked as a teenager, knows an employer will take advantage of teenagers from long and late hours, and I simply did not want their grades impacted.

Getting back to the comment about what today’s youth have witnessed by their parents, again, there is a split among opinions. Most parents will state they did what they did, worked how they worked, made the sacrifices for their kids, so that they could have nice stuff and do fun things. I am no exception. Being from a divorced home, I wanted nothing but better for my daughters than I had. Here is where the difference occurs in opinion. Some parents will say, “now they need to do what we did, make the sacrifice. It is what you do.”

I find myself in a different thought process, especially in light of this new phenomenon “funemployment.” Were all the sacrifices that I made for my daughters worth it, in particular to my daughters? Until my health started failing, and it was occurring much quicker because of the physical toll I placed on my body with the extra hours I was putting in, I was able to provide nice gifts, went on trips, seemingly giving my daughters, “better than I had.”

But one day, my oldest daughter, ten years old at the time, asked me completely out of the blue, “Daddy, how come you are never home? I miss you.” That is when it hit me. I am sure at the time, my daughter definitely enjoyed everything she was given and experiencing. She also realized there was something she was missing, me, and time with me. We were out grocery shopping when this question came up. It was one of the rare times I had been home during the week with the number of hours I had been putting in at work. It left me with such a pit in my stomach. This was not what I wanted my fatherhood to be.

To keep things in perspective, neither of my daughters are likely to remember most of the trips we took, and except for some of the stories told, will not remember many of the gifts. But what they do both remember, is me working a lot of hours. And though we have different reasons for missing our Dads in our youth, their Dad lived in the house with them, yet they rarely saw me, especially as they got older. Sure, they knew I was working, working a lot. I am pretty sure they would have preferred that I not work as much. Because in the end, what they saw, was their parent, not happy with his work environment, feeling disrespected, underpaid, and underappreciated in spite of my commitment and dedication to my employer. I was a good and reliable worker until my health started going bad.

I know my daughters definitely do not want to be working in an environment that will require them to sacrifice themselves, time with family, self esteem. And if they are one of the millions of “Gen Z” who have found a way, not to panic about getting work, just so that they can take some extra time, to find that perfect fit, because clearly, our generations jumped into job after job, just for the sake of having a job, only to need to find another, I will not hold that against them.

My daughters are far from lazy. And it is likely, that many “Gen Z” are thinking the similar way. I am not naive though, that there may be some who are lazy. I just know that I can say my daughters will some day find their careers, and be the best at it. I do not want them rushing into something, only to be negatively impacted by an experience. As the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race. I am okay with that.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation | Leave a comment

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