Paul's Heart

Best Interest Of The Child

An interesting story came across my newsfeed this week. It was about a step-mother, who mentioned that her husband, had 50-50 custody with his children, an arrangement that had been working for nearly three years, as it was written. The step-mother was seeking opinions from others, about the potential to seek additional custody, as the children appeared under duress, stressed, and saddened as they returned to the mother after recent visits.. The step-mother felt that the emotional anguish demonstrated was cruel for the children, and felt that additional time with their father might help alleviate that.

My first thoughts were, “wow, your husband has 50-50 custody of his children? That’s awesome!” The original draft of my custody, had me going from a full-time Dad with no domestic issues whatsoever, to being able to spend time with them 20-80 which was completely unacceptable to me. I was able to argue for some additional time, but nowhere near 50-50 that I felt I should have had offered to me.

But there is one thing that I can totally relate to this person’s post. And I will do it two different ways. First, as I have mentioned in the past, I am an “ACOD” – adult child of divorce. My parents split when I was three years old. As I grew, visits with my father became fewer, by his choice, then eventually mine. By my choice, it is likely a combination of things I heard growing up about him, along with his actions of not showing up as expected. Of the visits that I do recall with him, I do not remember being upset at all. In fact, I did not even talk about them with my mother when I returned. I just returned to what I was doing prior to my Dad picking me up.

As an adult however, now divorced with children of my own, it has been a much different story. I went from kissing my daughters good night every night, waking them for school every morning, and greeting them as they got off the bus every day. We had dinner with each other every evening. We laughed, we played, we swam, and went for ice cream. Other than my health issues, there was never any question of our Father/Daughter relationship. Then I filed for divorce.

Of course the dynamics of the family change dramatically in a divorce, the parents no longer living with each other. It was not soon after the decision was agreed, that I would leave the house, however, that a comment came from my daughter’s mouth that caught me off guard. “I’m not the one who left their family(referring to me).” This was not a comment that should be coming from a pre-teen child, even in thought. Clearly she had heard it from another grown-up within ear shot. To which I quickly and calmly corrected her, “no, I did not leave our family. I am still with you and your sister. The divorce is just between your mother and I, not you, your sister, and I.” She was not being scolded as it was not her fault for what she overheard, but she did seem confused, the statement I said, made sense to her.

As an ACOD, I had it in my head, I did not want my daughters to have similar feelings I had when it came to my father. So it was my intentions to do all that I could to remain involved in my daughters lives, whether by video, by phone, or in person. Sure, it may not have always been convenient. But they were never going to know the level of loss that I experienced.

The first few custody exchanges went without any major issues occurring. Which I believed allowed my daughters to experience a new “normalcy” not much different than when we were all together. I would return them to their mother, with wonderful memories of the time just spent together. And current emotions were usually mine (because I no longer had those every night, every day experiences), which I kept hidden the best I could, as they walked away from me, until the next time that I saw them. They seemed content in those early moments, regardless of the unfairness of the visitation order.

Then something started happening. Without going into the details, there came interference with the visits, several times, resulting in the visits not being conducted. I never allowed my daughters to see my emotions which were very highly upset as I struggled to get some sort of cooperation. But when a visit was finally allowed to occur, when it came time to return, I was not the only one struggling with my emotions, but now my daughters also, more visible, in the form of tears.

I would assure them that everything would be fine. We would see each other again soon enough, which unfortunately did not always hold true, in fact, given the recent history, there was no guarantee they would be given to me. Their tears were not necessarily for the farewell from the wonderful times we had, but I knew, though we never said the words, the tears were because we never knew when the next time would be. Interference had increased, and visits ended up not occurring. I was helpless to do anything, because I was not the one in control. All I could do was reassure that more visits would come.

As my daughters reached their teen years, these incidents decreased, and so did the tearful goodbyes. My resolve to spend time with my daughters, something that was given and natural from the days they were placed in my arms, was stronger than ever. My desire to be the Father they had always known, had never changed. Even during the pandemic years, the tears eventually ceased because I was able to convince them, everything was alright.

For me, it is now a different story, because they have finally reached adult age, graduated from high school, and now, my younger daughter is going to be heading to college. There are no more tears from them, but now plenty from me, backing up in my ducts. This is the circle of parenthood, what it is all about. It is a natural progression, if you allow it to happen.

In the case of the step-mother, it is easy to transfer feelings from someone to another, or feel a certain cause for that feeling, and then decide the solution needs to be changed, even if not necessarily for the better. With the step-mother, the child may be hurting, longing for what used to be, or perhaps wanting more time with their Dad. But seeking additional time, when it is already set at 50-50, and both parents support the rights of each other and the children, those tears are not about more time for the parent’s benefit.

My time, twice now, as an ACOD and as a divorced parent, is passed. And though I recognize, there are plenty of special and intense situations also known as high conflict, regardless of how one feels about a former spouse, it is not natural or healthy to involve a child in that conflict. Like I said, there are special circumstances. But for too long, it is those special circumstances, that led almost all courts, not just in the US, but around the world, to have the starting point of custody to be favored towards a mother, with no science or evidence necessary. Courts are now recognizing the unfairness of this process, and slowly, states in the United States are now making 50-50 the starting point, and if custody is to be contested, then evidence needs to be presented, and hatred is not evidence. What a difference this could have been for my daughters had this been possible for me, to spend equal time with both parents.

For the step-mother, there is something that is upsetting for the child, not necessarily wanting to spend more time with the father, or wanting more away from the mother. The child could be struggling with the fact, that both parents appear to be getting along, and if so, why can’t they still be together? Is it possible the child feels there is something they could do to improve the situation. It causes no harm to ask the child, why they are upset, and then provide them the comforting answer that is necessary that allows the natural relationships between mother and father to continue.