As parents, we don’t realize it, but as our children grow, we help to guide them, teach them how to make decisions, and at times, learn there are other places to get answers and help, besides their parents. And then, get this, it seems to come as a shock, that when the moment comes, and “we”, the parents, are no longer the first source of where our children turn to. This feeling goes beyond “empty nest” syndrome, where the house feels so quiet, and empty when a child goes of to school, or moves out. It is not about “emptiness” or even longing for, but a feeling of having lost some usefulness.
It was cute. My daughters played dolls with each other. A natural and frequent occurrence, my older daughter would often help and guide learning new activities such as ice skating and skiing. The progression would continue as they entered into their teens. Soon, they would be helping each other with homework, and it did not matter which grades they were in. They soon learned that each other had strengths that could benefit the other, and together, and that Dad had gone as far as he was able to (thank you “Common Core).
But now, as adults, they are finally becoming who they will be, and that is all on them. One daughter, with a couple of solo journeys under her belt, has demonstrated she is capable of navigating adulthood on her own, with each decision bearing more weight than the last. The other daughter, as part of her education, is setting to begin her first co-op, working for a major company while completing her studies, real life responsibilities as an adult.
This is what every parent should want for their children, the best opportunities as they venture forward in life, along with all the virtues and morals they had been taught. Though, this is the moment in time that parenthood had guided us to, I cannot help feeling reluctant to let go. But they are both ready.
Perhaps the most important part of our relationship and guidance is still yet to come, so that I can feel needed. Such as buying a car or house, picking the right health insurance. Throughout their lives, my daughters know that they have been able to count on me. That will never change.
This weekend is one of the biggest weekends in my life, but nothing compared to what it means to my daughters. I speak often of my milestones as a cancer survivor, reaching time periods and goals that at one point, could only have been hoped for, eventually reached.
Of course my daughters have had their share of milestones already in their youth, first steps, first words, first days of school, proms, and graduation days. Just as important as milestones, are turning points, that moment, when a decision is made or an action that is taken, makes an impact on the future, hopefully leading to the fulfillment of a dream or goal. I know that I can reflect upon my turning points in my life.
This weekend, both of my daughters have reached a turning point in their lives. Both have done well through their youth, in spite of the challenges that they have faced, especially with having to deal with my health issues. I have always been of the mindset, that I wanted my daughters to have it better than I did, to start their lives in better shape than I had the chance. And though the roadmap of that plan is not the way I had intended, I have done all that I can.
Both daughters are beginning their next semesters at college with different paths, though each path will have a major impact on the next step of who they become, and how, their turning point. When they look back in their lives, it will be this weekend that they can say, “this is when it happened.” One daughter has a labor-intense influence through career guidance this semester, where she will get a first hand taste of what her future career will be like before she even graduates college. The other daughter is embarking on a journey across the globe, for a worldly influence on her future career. She will return at the end of her semester with a viewpoint like no other.
Both daughters have immense turning points being established this weekend. What is even better, these turning points are all them, one hundred percent. This is what they wanted, and wanted to do. All I could do is fall back on what I have always said, “I wanted better for them,” and I would always support them in whatever they do, and do what I could to help them get there.
This may be their turning points, but they are also milestones for me that I had not realized. Perhaps I was reluctant to realize these milestones, as it meant that my daughters have grown up. And while I know my daughters will always know I am there, it is no longer to make decisions for them, but to remind them who they are, and the decisions that they make, are who they are.
Yes, my eyes are a bit moist this morning. But it is because I am so proud of my daughters.
In my newly released book (on Amazon for $15.00 paperback, $9.99 E-book), I mention a time period nearing the end of my chemotherapy, where my second to last treatment ended up being delayed a couple of weeks because my blood counts were too low. I had recently caught a cold, and this was enough to destroy me mentally. I had been watching the end date on my calendar for February from six months prior. This was going to drag on for another month longer than I had planned. Yes, I had plans for when I finished, and this cold screwed everything up. I compared this to a “speed bump” which of course, is something that slows you down.
I am a “goal oriented” type person. But one thing I actually try to do, is encourage patients to try not to focus on the end date of treatments, for the very reason I just mentioned. Again, I get it, that a patient wants to see the end, to drive their way through their battle with cancer. I also know however, the devastating emotional impact it has when your oncologist tells you that your treatment needs to be delayed because you got sick.
It was not my fault that I caught the cold. Someone had given it to me. And since I was only around others at work, and my co-workers often came to work sick, that is likely what happened. I am sure it was not intentional. But way back in the day, decades before Covid or SARS, there was no such thing as “mitigation” to prevent spread of illnesses other than staying home.
But Covid changed this thinking in a big way. For the last four years, oncologists and peer support groups all over, encouraged cancer patients to take extra caution, not to contract the other “big C”. And unlike in 1989, we were told what to do to help prevent the spread from masks (they do work when used and maintained properly), hand sanitation, avoiding indoor crowds, and of course the biggest, avoiding contact with someone contagious.
A cancer patient should want to do all possible to avoid getting sick, especially how prevalent Covid is still today, if not for the fear of increased susceptibility for complications, but at the least, DELAYING TREATMENTS! And honestly, at this point, especially during Covid, knowing how we can protect ourselves, it really has become about our own responsibility to do what we need to do, in order not to interfere with an important process like cancer treatments.
So it was disheartening to see a post come across my feed the other day, “I got Covid, I can’t get my treatment.” I am always one to give the benefit of the doubt, that someone testing positive for Covid-19 was not the fault of the person infected, that their positive test was through no fault of their own, someone had spread the infection to them. Having had this delay myself when I was treated for my Hodgkin’s, my heart was truly heavy for this person, because I knew what they were feeling at that moment, their chemotherapy plan being dragged out an additional month, possibly two.
When it comes to replying to posts that involve Covid-19, I generally prefer to respond back individually due to the divisive nature of the situation. I wanted my genuine reply to be seen for what it was, empathy, encouragement to realize the end was still within reach. I did not want any digital warrior out there stirring the pot. My intent was clear, while not great being diagnosed with Covid-19, the situation was not something long term. It was just going to be an additional month, maybe two at the longest. No, not what was originally planned, but the prognosis was still going to be, remission.
I do my best not to be judgmental, that people genuinely want to do the right thing, the things that must be done to get the results they want and need. And it is human nature for some to let their guard down, or slip up. But when I went to their main profile to send them a supportive reply, my heart sank, frustration set in. As I said, I know what it is like to put the end date for chemotherapy on a calendar, and have to scribble that date out, and move it further out because of a complication. It really is devastating. This was not a situation where the person let their guard down or slipped up. Their social media page was filled with all kinds of social activity and interactions.
Back in the day, four years ago to be exact, before Covid-19, it would have been considered inspiring to be doing all kinds of activities, especially socially while undergoing treatments for cancer. But these are different times. Besides a patient being positive for Covid-19 and delaying treatments, the doctor’s office/hospital does not want it spread among their other patients. So, I am not really sure why this person seemed shocked that they came down with Covid-19. Clearly there were plenty of opportunities to contract it. The pictures on the website showed this. So now, their treatment is delayed up to a month at least. It is more than just dealing with a positive test, but also blood counts and immunity while being giving treatments.
In my book, I wrote that I wanted to go skiing towards the end of my treatments. My oncologist said that I could, but warned that if I got sick from being all sweaty in the cold, or caught something from anyone in the ski lodge, I would risk a delay in my treatment. Of course, I chose not to ski because completion of my treatments was more important to me. I could not help that a co-worker who was sick came into work, and of naturally, passed it on to me.
While I am definitely sad to hear that this person’s treatments had to be delayed, I am hoping that others who saw the post, and might be reading this post as well, realize and come to terms with what is more important during one of the most challenging times of a person’s life, dealing with cancer. No one is saying at all to live in a plastic bubble until done, but at least recognize the situations that one exposes themselves to, and then decide if it is worth the risk. I am not sure if this person grasps that instead of shock and surprise, she should be encouraging others to be more careful. Nothing like personal experience to drive home a point.
Paul's Heart 