Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

23 Sep 2017

Cancer And Employment


At one time, I used to be proud of the fact, that the only time that I missed from work, while being treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, was for the actual treatments themselves.  Think about it.  I got eight months of toxic chemotherapy, and all I missed from work, was the last two hours of the Friday for my treatments, just twice a month, for 8 months.  I spent the entire weekend crashed and vomiting, but showed up for work the following Monday.  During 30 days of radiation therapy, I missed only the first hour of work to attend the treatment.

So it was only natural that once I finished my treatments, I would go full tilt back into my life.  Get back to normal.  Head back to the gym.  The only problem with that for me, is that I tried to pick up right where I left off more than a year and a half earlier.  Of course, injuries occurred.  My body had been put through hell for the last year and a half.  But hey, my only goal was to prove to myself, not only did I beat cancer, I did not let it take my work ethic and ability from me.

In 1993, the Hockey world was rocked when it discovered that one of the greats to play the game, had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Of course, by then, I had been in remission for three years.  But given his celebrity status, I was certain that he would be able to afford the best care, and would beat the cancer.  Mario Lemieux made it clear that he would only miss games due to his treatments and would return as soon as they had been done.

Two months later, Lemieux returned to the game, against the Philadelphia Flyers (my favorite team and rival).  Philly fans are not necessarily known for their class, but rather lack of it (having thrown snowballs at Santa Claus during an Eagles game).  Lemieux got a standing ovation for his return.  And the hockey world was put on notice as he scored a goal and an assist (Flyers got the win, however).

Nothing will drive a cancer patient harder, than the desire to get back to “normal.”  And “normal” is assumed to be what we once used to be able to do before cancer came into our lives.  Much like Lemieux, as soon as my treatments were done, I hit the gym hard, and I mean hard, full tilt.  No, I did not have the strength anymore that I once did, but I had to start losing the fifty plus pounds I gained on chemotherapy (yes, it is possible to actually gain weight on chemo… prednisone… that’ll do it).  Like Lemieux, I ignored the risks of injury because of my weakened body.  Like Lemieux, I got through my rehab phase without injury.

But as I mentioned, I also continued to work not just through my treatments, but of course continued even stronger with my work ethic after I completed treatment.

Chemo and radiation treatments also wear down the immune system.  So remaining at work, or returning too soon, can leave you susceptible to others who come to work ill with common maladies such as a cold, the flu, pink eye, strep, chicken pox and so on.

But the physical part of the decision to either continue to work or return to the work force is only one factor to consider.  There is the emotional, or mental part that needs to be considered.  Your emotional state of mind will also play a role in the physical world.  You will not only deal with your own emotions, but the emotions of your co-workers, and this can have a profound affect on you.  Because if you have anything less than a supportive co-worker, those frustrations will be taken out on you, and you have enough on your plate without having to deal with someone else.

The only person who truly knows, not understands, but knows what you are going through, is you.  Even myself, I have a very good idea what you may be experiencing, more so than just understanding, but only you truly know what you are going through.

My attitude has always been, “your body has been through Hell.  Give it the break it not only needs, but deserves.”

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17 Sep 2017

Surviving Irmageddon


I had originally only intended on taking time off from writing while my children were visiting me this summer. But upon their return, a weather pattern had caught my attention, and then kept it. I live in Florida, and we were right in the crosshairs of the largest hurricane, Irma, ever to hit the United States.

There are several things I would like to mention. And many are enlightenments, and others relate to my ability to “survive” crisis.

You were stupid for not leaving!

You know, when I lived up north, it was very easy for me to make that comment to those that stayed in high risk areas of a pending storm. What I learned very quickly here in Florida, and this is whether a person chose to stay, or to leave, each individual had their reason. And neither deserves to be judged for that.

Earlier this year, our area was hit with 2 major brush fires. Evacuations were mandatory. If the fire did not burn you to a crisp, the smoke inhalation was going to kill you. There was no alternative.

With Irma having our area in her crosshairs, I, along with others were told we had to evacuate. I do not think any of the majority of us who remained could claim we had nowhere to go, at least for me, I had many friends who offered. The truth is, the way the storm was predicted to travel, it almost seemed I would have either had to travel to California or Canada to escape the path. Many I know stayed in hotels in other states. For me, it was simple, financially I had no option.

While there is the initial expense of evacuating, then you have the expense of daily living while away, and if necessary, having to stay away, and then coming back. Many I know are in the $1000’s of dollars so far, having evacuated.

In the eye of the storm.

I have personally gone through 7 hurricanes now. The first I do not really count “Agnes”, as I was just a child and had no idea. The next was “Gloria” which I do not remember because I was attending a Hurricane Gloria party, and there is a reason I do not remember. Then I went through “Daniel” and “Floyd” where I first heard the words “evacuation plans.” “Rita” was a real doozy. And “Sandy” was one of the worst to impact me personally, until “Irma.”

I had always heard stories of experiences in “the eye” of a hurricane. When the main part of the storm came, I had lost all power, and was listening to news stations via transistor radio. The eye was going to be passing directly over me.

I may never win the lottery, admittedly I do not play, but I can now cross off going through the eye of a hurricane. The news anchors were of course warning listeners not to go outside to exper0ience the eye, which of course, at least for me, meant I needed to do just that. The anchors did stress, or as I took it, gave permission, that if anyone ventured outside during this time, there would only be roughly 10 to 15 minutes before the winds picked back up.

While I did not see glorious sun, or stars, I did get to experience the relative and eerie calm, the proverbial calm before the storm, the other side of the wall of Irma.

The day after.

We had survived. We were all without power. No access to gasoline or food or water.

Survival mode.

From the day I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s, I learned very quickly, how to survive a crisis, or at least to have the best chance. Calm, stay calm and focused. You have a better chance of dealing with something critical if you can keep your thought process straight. I have used this process repeatedly, from my cancer, to my heart surgery, attack of sepsis, my first wife’s car accident, and many other events. I would handle Irma the same way. While the majority of the people in my building are older than me, they also made a choice to remain. They were impressed with how calm I was remaining even as the storm neared, and how rational I was acting once we went outside.

If you panic or stress, you are going to make things 100% worse, guaranteed. And nothing will change for the better as a result of panicking or stressing out. And so, as we ventured back outside, we would find our vehicles had survived, clearly landscaping was destroyed, but our building fared pretty well. Next, came assessing, where we would go from there, and what would we do.

We had prepared for the loss of power, and therefore, water and non-perishable food to survive many days until help would arrive. Many of my friends made fun of me, reverting back to my college diet of Chef Boyardee canned ravioli, PB&J sandwiches, and a host of snacks and processed deserts like Devil Dogs and HoHos. But you know what? I was going to eat at least.

Once outside the confines of my building, Irma’s destruction was more visible. No power, anywhere. Traffic intersections with no working lights, in the entire county. Trees were down everywhere, but homes looked good for the most part. There clearly were homes destroyed however.

Patience is not just a virtue.

The first thing everyone wants to do once the storm is passed, is return home. And where I live, it is considered a very beautiful area (though nicknamed “Heaven’s waiting room” because of the average age of the population), it is expected to bounce back immediately. But it did not, and it has not. Many of us have advised our evacuee friends to remain where they are, because, our area is not ready even for them to return.

Though gasoline was near impossible to get with mulit-hour long lines, fuel seems to be more available. Shelves at grocery stores are still struggling to keep up with demand and are emptied as soon as the stores open. We are on a boil water order, because our sewers are backing up and the treatment is not able to keep up. It is a major lifestyle change for those that have lived here any length of time. But for those who left for the storm, you are in better living conditions than what we have here right now. The difference between us, is that we have had a week to adjust to the change. Anyone coming back now, will be hit with shock and emotion, as to what they have, and what they can do. We currently have an ordered curfew for the entire county. Mosquitos are becoming an issue. Schools will remain closed until the final week of September.

For those of us that remained, we can see things improving. And because of that, we have patience, well at least most of us.

Technology was not really kind.

The thing about Irma, it made communicating almost impossible, even for emergency personnel. I make it a point to talk to my children every day via Facetime, and a week later, I am still searching for “hot spots” just to make a cell phone call to them. I can send text messages, but not all go through. It did not matter what carrier you used, communication was affected.

More ahead?

Rumor has it, there are more storms heading this way. I have not seen TV in over a week, so I have no idea. In fact, I have no idea what is going on in the world or our country. I am getting messages now, and I want to thank everyone for your concern. I am fine. I have survived yet again.

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15 Jul 2017

No Second Chance


It is something that happens all the time, whether married couple, a dating relationship, a sibling rivalry, or even a friendship.  People disagree, argue, or “fight.”  Under most circumstances, actually, hopefully, most of these situations resolve without any lengthy duration or any physicality.  As long as cooler heads can prevail, whatever the topic the disagreement is about, there should be a resolution.

For many, and unknowingly, there could be a time limit.  And there could be a permanent consequence involved.

There is an expression, “don’t go to bed angry.”

A news story from over the Atlantic came across my Facebook newsfeed.  A young couple, with three young children, had a fairly serious argument.  Unable to resolve it, the wife instructed the husband to find some space on their couch for the night.  A situation I am sure has played all over the world time and time again.  Unfortunately, the next morning, she found him the next morning, still on the couch, dead.  There was no foul play.  He had not committed suicide.

There are actually two stories here.  Though the news article did not articulate on the individual issues, just rather the potential cause, and the coulda-woulda-shoulda situation.  So, for the purpose of this post, I am going into the two issues, that possibly everyone reading this post may have been, or may just be in a similar situation.  My hope is that you take what I write to heart.

I first learned of the expression “don’t go to bed angry” more than two decades ago, in a very painful way.  I am not an angry or confrontational person, so it was not something that I had done or said in any of my relationships.  But one December night, my father and stepmother had been having an argument of auto insurance.  They still had some Christmas shopping to do, and right in the middle of this argument, they chose to continue it, while going shopping.  My father left the house ahead of my stepmother.  As he impatiently waited for her, he looked out his driver side window, watching my stepmother finally coming outside, cross the busy street, when suddenly, she was hit by a car.  Long story short, she survived, but suffered serious and life threatening issues, most permanent.  The only good thing for her, she had no recollection of the accident.  She also had no recollection of the argument.  But do you know who did?  Yes, my father.  He would never be able to resolve what happened that night, and would spend the rest of his life carrying the guilt of that night.  So, you see, you do not even have to go to bed angry to lose that chance at closure.

The father as young, only 36 years of age.  The wife was 31.  Together they had three young children.  As a family, they enjoyed doing things with each other, including family vacations.  And just with many families, work schedules play a vital role in allowing recreational activities as well as daily expenses.  But just how many hours per day, per week, per month, depend on your employment, and payroll.  A common argument, the wife complained about the long hours the husband had worked, many times working 16 hour shifts, seven days a week.  You may wonder how is this possible?  Simple, you can either work multiple jobs, or certain employers may offer overtime.

Again, this is a situation similar to my own personal experience.  I am “blue collar” by nature.  Definitely not afraid of working.  At one point in my life, I had been working a full time job, two part time jobs, all while attending college full time.  It was a ridiculous schedule, but when each job was only minimum wage, I did what I had to, to survive.  But later in my life, I was fortunate to land a job that would afford me a salary three times what I had ever made.  Along with that, I would have an opportunity to make overtime.  I saw this as a chance to really make a change in my life from a financial standpoint.  I would often find myself working anywhere between 60-70 hours per week, just so that I could provide nice things for my family, house, car, vacations, etc.

Getting back to the family overseas, their argument had good intentions.  There was clearly concern by the wife.  The husband had come home that evening, as she described him, in the worst shape she had ever seen, from an exhaustion or completely fatigued state.  Every year he had taken the family to Disney, but he was working to take his wife on a special anniversary trip to Prague.  Frustrated by his stubbornness not to take it easy and give himself some rest, she told him to sleep on the couch.  His body could not take the physical abuse any longer.  He died overnight.

Since my diagnosis with Hodgkin’s, my body has sent me three different warnings, that only when I got hit with the 4th warning, I finally listened.  I had cardiac issues that I was aware of for four months, but was more concerned with not missing work.  I was diagnosed with a widowmaker blockage, meaning,  I was going to have a fatal heart attack any moment.  But I kept working.  Then, several years later, not learning my lesson, I ended up back in the emergency room, having run myself down so hard, my body went into full blown sepsis, again, having no warning, other than when my body finally decided it had enough.  Nine months later, another episode with sepsis, promising myself, I would no longer do that schedule, but the pressure to provide the things my family I had always done was immense.  Three months later, another cardiac episode hit, and that was the end.  I was lucky.  I got the chance.  This other Dad, did not.  Like me, all he wanted to do, was provide nice things for his family.  We all want that.

But the human body is not meant to be pushed to such extremes.  The human body is not meant to be starved of nourishment and rest.  The human body is not meant to be abused, intentionally, or in the case of health issues like I have that result from long term effects of cancer treatments.  The body will only last so long.  And while concern may be expressed, if it is dealt with in anger, painfully as this young couple found out, the argument is what the widow will never be able to forget.  There is no second chance.  Once the words are out, the damage is done.  Once the body has suffered to the point of exhaustion, the damage is done.

Ideally, it would be perfect if we did not feel the need to pull the hours that need to be worked.  But no one should ever be faulted for wanting to be able to do the best we can for our families.  But there also needs to be understanding when we can no longer perform at that level, and be able to adjust.  Otherwise, there will be more unhappy endings such as this family must now endure.

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