Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Marci – A True “Wonder Woman”


Wonder Woman!  Wonder Woman!
All the world is waiting for you and the power you possess
In your satin tights fighting for our rights
And the old red white and blue

Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman!

Now the world is ready for you and the wonders you can do
Make a hawk a dove, stop a war with love
Make a liar tell the truth

Wonder Woman!
Get us out from under, Wonder Woman

All our hopes are pinned upon you, and the magic that you do
Stop a bullet cold, make the axis fold
change their minds and change the world

Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman!

You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman!

Marci, this theme song from the 70’s super hero television show Wonder Woman was a song clearly written for you.  And for those of us who had the blessing of knowing you, our “Diana Prince,” we knew you as a true “Wonder Woman.”

This has been a difficult year for so many reasons, but toughest made by yet another passing of a fellow long term Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor.  Grief has been piling and piling on top over the last several months, normally occurring over a year instead.

Marci’s passing has affected me differently though.  The impact that she had on me, the way she lived her life, while clearly sad for the loss of a good friend, she “wrote” an amazing story with her life.

For many of us, treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back before the turn of the century, especially during the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, treatments were barbaric, and often considered by today’s standards, experimental in value, because though they worked, the long term effects that would develop, were never researched, leaving many of us struggling not only to find care for these issues, but even finding a doctor willing to try.  These issues could be minor, or quite severe.  Some might have been fortunate, not to have developed any.  Sadly, Marci had been one to develop serious issues which I won’t go into detail here, other than a few appropriate places.

But it is the way that Marci always presented herself, a common personality trait of a Hodgkin’s survivor, only presenting the “shell” of what we are dealing with as it is hard enough for us to deal with.  But Marci, she was one of a kind.

To describe Marci as colorful, is an understatement.  Marci and I first met several years ago on a support page for survivors of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I could tell she was going to bring a lot of life to our group.

Though out of privacy, I am not posting pictures of her family, she had a large family that she loved very much.  She also loved her pugs and activities abound.  One art project she was working on, actually a cross-over, was a jeep that was being decorated to reflect her persona of Wonder Woman.

Marci started this with our group long ago, and many group members jumped on that bandwagon, encouraging her, as our “wonder woman.”

This photo was from a post that I sent to her a month ago, as I was driving here in Florida, immediately making me think of her.

Sadly, Marci faced many issues from her Hodgkin’s past.  One of which was a battle with colon cancer.  This left her as a colostomy survivor as well.  But in case you could not tell from the above picture, Marci even managed to rock that situation in her own style, with her own “wonder woman” pouch.  Only Marci could pull that off.

And in spite of dealing with her own issues, as is coming among us Hodgkin’s survivors, she took time to help and support others advocating for childhood cancer and colon cancer.

Marci, you were truly one of a kind, with emphasis on the word “kind.”  And sadly, we know that “Wonder Woman” was mortal after all.  But all that you gave to us, especially to remember by, will be a blessing that will last forever.

“Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman!

You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman!”

“Great”ful In 2020


Yes, I know that I spelled grateful incorrectly in my title.  That is why I put the word “great” in quotes.  I am grateful for the greatness that are our first responders and medical personnel.

I have countless friends involved as first responders, as nurses, doctors, and techs of various fields.

Though I have been involved in emergency situations that require assistance from first responders, I am not sure if if is something that I would be able to do on a daily basis.  I know that I have been on the receiving end, several times of being the victim of that 911 call, at least one time, at the most inconvenient of hours, early in the morning, like 4am early.  We see them on the news, daily, just doing their “job.”  Without a thought, they automatically, respond to calls involving car accidents, fires, falls, and thanks to 2020 and Covid19, putting their lives at even greater risk.

In Florida, it is common for all three first responders:  fire, ambulance, and police, to respond to a 911 call in preparedness to make sure all needs are met.  These people respond without reservation and without regard to their own safeties, all the while recognizing the dangers they are exposed to.

Then, there are the nurses, doctors, and techs.  The stories I have of what they have done for me over the years are endless.  Their lifestyles and work environments constantly played out on television series, does not serve them any justice for what it is really like for them.

From the patient’s point of view, I have witnessed their knowledge and skills.  I have seen their responses and their decision making ability.  As a patient, I have never seen someone show they are exhausted, physically or emotionally.  These people, are doing what they wanted to do, what they were meant to do.

These two groups, first responders and medical professionals, have one thing in common, they put their lives on the line every day for us.  To be clear, they do not have to.  They could easily choose a different career path.  They just do not.

So, when a once in a century emergency comes up, and we have to rely on these heroes, and we are asked to make the most simple of efforts, not because it will make the situation disappear, but prevent it from going out of control, we need to do what we can.

I have made no mistake in stating, mask wearing is not 100% effective in preventing Covid19, but it is nearly 100% effective in reducing the risk of spread.  I wrote a post on the various masks, and the efforts necessary to wear even the most effective mask properly, unlikely by the average person not trained to do so.

In the beginning, we were recommended, to just try, for three weeks to minimize contact and interactions.  Too many scoffed and here were are ten months later in worse shape than ever, in lives lost, lives impacted, and the economy.  Please, someone explain to me, how ignoring this pandemic for ten months, made more sense than trying to do something positive for the three weeks we were asked to do so.  Because it does not.

Most of us have no idea what it was like before the measles vaccine, and likely only our parents remember what it was like before the polio vaccine.  And not many were still alive during the last pandemic of 1918.

I am baffled.  When our country was attacked on 9/11, we ALL did what we had to, to protect ourselves.  It did not matter what political party we belonged to or ideology we believed in.  We made the sacrifices we needed to, to be safe.

We have now lost 100 times as many lives as 9/11, attacked by one of the most evil situations we have ever seen.  And yet, we are still split, fighting each other, to protect our political leans over what science has finally learned.  And as we do this, we continue to put those first responders and medical personnel at risk, not just of themselves being exposed to the virus, but taking it home to their families, perhaps they have children with compromised immune systems or other pre-existing situations, or elderly parents.

I get it.  We are tired, fatigued of Covid19 every day, the news never seeming to improve.  But it can, and it is improving.  We have the easy part, just do what we are being asked to do.  Those heroes that respond and take care of us are doing what should be the hardest part, but it seems like getting over our selfishness and arrogance is much more difficult.  And it should not be.  Our first responders and medical personnel have the most difficult part, taking care of us.

I have made it a point, every time I have been a patient, whether for a procedure, a test, or even just a consult, I appreciate everything my nurses, doctors, and techs do for me.  I have gone back and visited the first responders who have taken care of and transported me to the hospital, to let them know the difference that their effort made, and that there was a good result.

But as I continue to do all that I can, with what I have been asked to do, to avoid careless exposure to Covid19, I hope never to need any of you for this response.  And since I continue to keep this status, and I will not get to see you in person, I will just take the time here to tell you all that I appreciate and am grateful for everything you do.

Here’s hoping for a better year in 2021.

Make This Difference In 2021


I feel odd trying to write an inspirational message, using the television serial killer Dexter as an example.  But here goes.  First, to be fair, Dexter’s status as a serial killer is complicated in that he is really a good guy.  One of his major flaws (besides the ease of killing criminals released by the judicial system often on technicalities), is he is emotionally barren, for at least half of the series, before his “feelings” begin to mature.  I am trying to be respectful in not “spoiling” anything.

You get it though, Dexter does not show, or pretty much, have any emotions, or feelings.  His sister Deb, with a mouth more colorful than a truckdriver or sailor (or whatever metaphor you want to use), has emotions, but has not control of them, often leading her to make decisions that involve regret.  She often tells Dexter she loves him, but he is unable to respond in kind to his sister.  This is not the only time that Dexter has been in this position, through no fault of his own.  It is just who he is.

Anyway, as the series draws to a conclusion, Dexter is moving away, far, far, away.  Deb’s only request, a hug before he leaves, something I do not recall seeing in any of the episodes.  I will leave it there.

There are no second chances.  I wrote just a couple of days ago about my father’s situation with my stepmother, an argument, never being able to be resolved.

That had not been the first time, that I had experienced that guilt, of a lost opportunity.  Growing up, though different circumstances, I did not deal with emotions well either, in fact, not at all.  But early in my adulthood, when my grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer, and the mere thought of losing her, I found out, that I did have feelings, and they mattered.  And for the first time, I began to show my emotions.

On a daily basis, I made sure that I told my grandmother that I loved her.  When I visited her, I always gave her a hug.  Except for one time, and it was the last time that I saw her alive.

She was about to begin her second fight against cancer, beginning chemo the Monday after the weekend.  I stopped by to visit with her Saturday morning as I had a full day planned on Sunday with my church’s youth group that I ran.  I had discovered that she had cut her her short, to prepare for the hair loss that would accompany her chemotherapy.  But then I noticed something odd.  Her booklets on her chemo information had still not been touched.  I just attributed that to my grandmother’s nature of just accepting things, and doing what she had to.  That is how she rolled.

As I sat across from her in her living room, she had a distant look on her face.  There was a lot on her mind, clearly with the chemo beginning in just days.  I would soon find out, she had a lot more on her mind than she let on.  I asked her what was wrong.  She just responded that she “just want to get this over with.”  She definitely was not her normal “brave” self with me.

When I went to leave, she did not get up from the couch as I approached the door.  I told her, “ok grandma, I am going to get going.  I will give you a call tomorrow, then come see you on Monday.”  My hopes of thinking she would take that as her cue to come over and hug me goodbye, nope.

The next day, she had passed away.  The one time I did not hug my grandmother or tell her I loved her, because I was distracted by her “distance” and distraction, is how we parted.

You see the pattern here.  Three examples, all three, “coulda, woulda, shoulda.”

My daughters never got to meet my grandmother.  They never knew what happened to my stepmother and the impact it had on my Dad.  What I do not know, is if among all the other stuff they have watched, if they ever watched Dexter.

But one thing is for sure, from the moment they were placed in my arms, they have always been told “I love you” by me.  They get as many hugs as I can give them.  There is no “given” that just because I am their father, they have to love me or that I love them.  No, for the first time in my life, my daughters made me feel that way, and I made, no, make sure that they know every day how much I love them.  There will be no regrets with not having said the most important words to my daughters.

We never know when the inevitable is going to happen.  And 2020 has been extremely cruel with Covid19 devastating so many families permanently.  And now, faced with recommendations, proven to be at least helpful in reducing risks, we are asked to make sacrifices, which could very well be the last time, we see a loved one or friend.  Nobody gets that more than me.

Whether you believe in the severity of Covid19 or not, and whether you have been personally affected by Covid19 or not, does not change the fact, that you only get one last chance with someone, and we do not know when that moment will be.  But Covid19 has made a huge impact on hundreds of thousands of lives, permanently.

2020 has been extremely cruel, and likely filled with a lot of regret, of things left unsaid.  Regardless of what you believe about Covid19, or any other situation that at one moment can change your life forever, you can make one huge difference in 2021, every day.

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