Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

One Year Later


Although the warnings had been coming for a couple of months already, this is the time of year that changed for most of us, a health crisis that most of us had never witnessed before, perhaps not even read about in the history books.  Personally, I would rather just enjoy some meatballs or a nap.

Our country was facing a pandemic like never thought possible, for one reason.  We should have learned our lesson over a hundred years earlier.  But we did not.  Just as a hundred years ago, we faced a virus with no vaccine, no known treatment.  What we did have, was the experience of what we knew not to do as this virus would spread worse than wildfire.  And yet, instead of learning from history, we repeated it.

There was no plan to deal with the virus really.  Science was pitted against politics.  Soon, our country would be at its most divided point ever arguing feelings over facts.

Science is not exact.  It is trial an error.  The vaccine for polio did not happen on the first shot (pun intended).  A pill for insomnia was not discovered overnight.  I could go on.

But instead of recognizing the “trial and error” process of science, it was just easier for many to just say, “see, they don’t know what they are talking about.”  And then, enter the political rhetoric, because, those who took feeling over fact, saw any concern expressed by those side with facts over feeling, shouting concerns of the need to do more, prepare, prevent, protect, instead was an attack on their president.  And the only way to protect that president was to deny reality.  It is what it is.  And now, we have over 525,000 dead Americans, over 2 million world wide, from Covid19.  That is fact.

But a year ago, those of us who live by fact over feelings, made conscious decisions.  We heard the experts, scientists.  Sure, some politicians, and plenty of our neighbors and friends contradicted the scientists, but we knew that we had to have faith in those that knew what to do.  Sure, mistakes were going to be made.  But in the end, we expected to get through this.  Certainly, we did not expect it to reach a year, hoping for maybe one or two seasons.  Yet here were are, and though an end is in sight, we still have a ways to go, and still so many disagree with each other.

When it comes to having to sacrifice, I, and many others may have an advantage, being cancer survivors.  We have already gone through life, having to restrict our activities for our own good.  In fact, it is our own experience with science, that saved our lives.  This is why I trust science.

I made the difficult decisions last year, and continue them today, because they are what has been recommended.  Some of these changes have been good ones, long overdue.  Eating in.  My doctors are certainly pleased with weight loss resulting from not eating out, where I would dine on salt and fat loaded foods.  At home, I cook with no salt, and lean portions of meat.

Honestly, I do not miss “greetings” with hugs and kisses at all.  These things always gave me the willies because these gestures I felt were always meant for people that you felt strongly about.  Not as a general salutation.  Just seems so fake and awkward to me.  Even the handshake, while in general I do not have a problem with, I am okay with saying “goodbye” to it.  I will say over this year, I have seen way too many hands go up to mouth and nose, and then not get washed.

I have missed movies and concerts, but even now, many have learned how to stay relevant with streaming services.  The best thing?  Great concessions, free parking, and no traffic once it is over.  But I miss going to the local music scene as well.  Music is how I relax.  In fact, one of my favorite activities I like to do, and need to do, is karaoke.  I use this to exercise my lungs, damaged from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Beats inhaling and exhaling with a spirometer.  And, given the nature of Covid19, it is important I keep my lungs as good as they can be.

But the hardest thing for me to deal with over the past year, was my children.  Being divorced, we live a great distance from each other, far enough to require flying.  In the beginning, as we dealt with nothing but unknowns, I had decided that it would not be safe for me to travel to see them, because of my obvious vulnerabilities, nor, to have them travel to me.  I would miss each of their birthdays, Father’s Day, and a couple of other visits.  Being older, my daughters understood the risks and agreed, that until more was known about how to deal with the situation, we would just have to settle for video calls like Facetime and Houseparty.

During the Summer, as more became known, and more precautions being taken, it was time to see what could be done about getting to see my daughters again.  After serious considerations, and all things considered with risks and precautions, both with human mitigation and engineering, we felt it would be okay, following the precautions, to fly.  Wearing masks and washing hands is one thing, but the one concern, being inside the aircraft, that went against guidelines for being “indoors” in close proximity more than 15 minutes was the only thing to be addressed.  And it was addressed through engineering with an air exchange system, circulating the air rapidly enough, not to allow transmission.  It made it possible to see my daughters again in person.

So here we are, a year later.  And just like many other outbreaks I have lived through, and lived with over the years with my vulnerabilities, I am learning to live with this.  I know we are finally heading in a direction that will get this under control finally.  I do feel that we will likely have at least one more hiccup as people “touch the trophy before playing the championship game”, celebrating too soon.

When I saw this image, which occurred in Boise, Idaho over the weekend at a “burn the mask” rally, this is what confirms the likelihood of another hiccup.  And what is worse, besides the fact that it makes a mockery of all the first responders who have cared for patients who had Covid19 or died from it, but is completely disrespectful to the millions who have lost their lives.  And this is what these children have been taught by this act.  I get it.  Some people don’t want to wear a mask, but it is not because they don’t believe it has some protective qualities at the minimum.  It is more of a statement against, and that is a foolish stance to take, and why we are still dealing with this a year later.

 

Just How Long Should You Hold A Grudge?


There was a time, a long time ago, I would just not let things go.  As a young boy, I had been pushed around so much, that I grew up making it clear, it would never happen again.  Going from one end of the spectrum to the other, was not the solution either.

When someone does something wrong to you, it is natural to either want to seek revenge, or hold a grudge against that person.  A grudge is a way of not letting the offender off the hook for their transgression.  Many times it gets tangled up with the concept of forgiveness, rather lack of.  Both can have the same impact on your health emotionally, but are definitely different.

When it comes to forgiveness, while the one who committed the offense has the actual responsibility to offer the remorse, it is still the recipient who likely carries the ill feelings long after the event has occurred.  This can lead to many emotional issues such as depression, conflict, anger, just to name a few.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened, but you stop giving it the weight sitting on your emotional life.

When it comes to someone holding a grudge, the entire issue falls on the individual holding on to, and carrying out the grudge.  Carrying a grudge is the equivalent to carrying out revenge.  Where revenge often leads to a back and forth, with each side getting even, a grudge is one sided, and usually continued until the recipient relents, or dies.

The problem for the recipient, is that they know that they have done nothing wrong.  And therefore actions committed against the recipient just lead to more head scratching.  It is the person with the grudge, who instead just continues to build the anger and frustrations because an end is not coming, or at least soon enough.  This does not hurt the recipient, it hurts the person with the grudge.  Hence, the meme at the top of this post.  And next to my favorite expression, “I would not piss in your mouth if your teeth were on fire,” I love this expression, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

And that is the best analogy for the downfalls of holding a grudge.  I am in no way saying that a person should not deal with something that went wrong or was handled wrong.  But there has to be an end at some point.  I could easily hold this position from my childhood decades ago.  There are numerous people I am currently friends with today, that were unimaginable back then.

I must admit, I have an advantage in this thinking.  Once known for having “knee jerk” reactions to conflict, I am now often described as “comatose” even when it comes to a traffic issue such as someone cutting me off in traffic.  Though I developed this thinking early on as a cancer survivor, I soon found myself slipping back into the old ways of not letting things go.  But as I faced other health crisis, one after another, I had finally convinced myself, the change in my thinking I had to do.

If whatever is happening, does not have an impact on my goals, and I really have only one goal in my life at this point, spending as much time with my daughters as I can, I let it go.  It just will not matter as much as the love I have for my daughters.  And it really is that simple for me.  What you do with your life has no bearing on mine.

There was a time, less than a decade ago, I might have felt differently.  Not anymore.

 

Studying After The Test


We have all been waiting for the encouraging news when it comes to vaccines and availability against Covid19.  Now to be clear, the three vaccines that we do have, that were discovered in record time, are not clinically proven.  They have not gone through the entire study process that science normally takes.  Our country simply did not have the time wait to get these shots into arms.  And because of that, these vaccines, research “not completed” yet, have been given “emergency use authorization,” allowing the well-hedged bet, a great risk to take.

At least for many.  Those in that group, based on the limited studies, were normal, and healthy individuals.  So, as long as you were in good shape health wise, you will be good to go.  As for the rest, well, we should be okay too.  That will be figured out eventually, but in the meantime, everyone is being encouraged to get the vaccine.  How important is this vaccine?  The last time, we dealt with something so tragic, without a vaccine, this is an image those in generations before me will never forget:

Polio was a virus that attacked the spinal cord, causing paralysis, transmissible from person to person.  Not really known for its lethality, the images of the twisted bodies of survivors from polio, are those that witnesses will never forget.  The last transmissible case occurred back in 1979 due to the fact that we have a vaccine for it (this according to the CDC).

So, with a rapidly contagious and lethal virus, which killed over two million people world wide, over 500,000 Americans, understandably, treatments and vaccines were needed sooner than later.  We are at the “sooner” now.

Here is what we know.  Two of the vaccines have 95% success or higher in preventing hospitalizations and death, and the third though having a lower percentage, still, when compared to other vaccines, is still very successful.  But here comes the bad news.

First, the studies have not shown whether the vaccine will prevent anyone from “carrying” the virus.  In other words, you might not get it, but you could get someone else near you sick.  The other factor, the length of time that the vaccine is only “known” to work for, is three months.  After those three months are gone, there is no study for showing how much longer the vaccine will last.  That is based on the data right now.  Right now, the signs are promising.  But we just don’t know.

This is assuming you are one of the healthy people like those studied so far.  But what about those who have compromised immune systems or pre-existing conditions like several issues that I have.  There are no studies done… yet.

Here is the good news.  An article released last month by the University of Birmingham (in England, not the US dammit), has begun the OCTAVE trial, funded by the Medical Research Council, to study immune responses to the Covid19 vaccines by those with compromised immune systems, including those with cancer.

I stated a few weeks ago, the difficult decision that I made not to currently get vaccinated.  After speaking with several of my most trusted doctors, who were conflicted among themselves what I should do, and would I benefit, that I was left with my gut instinct, based on what I knew about my health history.

Historically, because I have no spleen, I have a difficult time building antibodies without having booster shots of vaccines.  And it does not appear to make a difference which vaccines.  Some that I have had, once thought to be lifetime, I end up with multiple boosters.  And here lies the problem.

With no studies done yet, there is no data on my ability to get a booster, let alone be able to tolerate one (or more).  There is no protocol to test for the antibodies to get a booster.  And finally, there is no protocol to actually get a booster if you were to indeed need one.  What I do know, is I am likely to be in this situation, and it needs to be studied before vaccination becomes an option.  For that, I will say “thank you England.”  At least you are doing something.

The US is not standing by idle.  Those studies that have not been completed so that the vaccines can be officially approved?  They are still on going, either in the 2nd or 3rd stages.  Data will come producing important information like “how long will immunity actually last?”  Another important piece of information needed, that has not been discussed, and trust someone who knows because he has been there, being experimented on, data needs to come out on potential long term side effects from the vaccines.  Sure my treatments 31 years ago cured my cancer, but they knew nothing about the side effects I would deal with decades later.

Clearly, I am not a scientist, so my decision, I am not an anti-vaxxer at all, is based on a hunch.  That is, until the American Society of Hematology published a paper toward the end of the year, addressing questions about the Covid19 vaccine.  For those unfamiliar, hematology is the study of blood, but to those of us who have a history of cancer, we know this study very well.

https://www.hematology.org/covid-19/ash-astct-covid-19-and-vaccines

This is the link to the actual article.  But in summary, there were two questions that stood out to me.  What vaccines are approved for immunocompromised patients?  Why might some patients not respond?  The entire paper is quite interesting to read.  But in the end, until the data is conclusive, the advice is still the same.  It is up to the individual to decide based on their need.

Some need the vaccine to be at work.  Of course there is the need to get kids back in school.  There is a strong desire to get back to some sort of normalcy socially.  And some, will need the vaccine simply not to die.

It is not an easy decision for me, and not one I have made lightly.  And yes, while some still like to argue, “but they can’t seem to get their answers right or straight.”  Yes, that is what happens when we are dealing with an unknown.  There will be mistakes along the way medicine looks for the perfect way to deal with Covid19.  Until then, just as success came with prevention for Polio, measles, and others, science will find a way out of this for us.  But it has only been a year.

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