Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

12 Mar 2021

You Only Get One Warning


I need to provide a disclaimer before I proceed with this post.  This is not my current condition.  Do not panic.  I am fine currently.  But I am a hypocrite, offering the “do as I say, not as I do,” advice.

You only get one warning.  That’s it, just one.  Depending on which function of the body it is, it could be nothing, or it could be really bad.  Involved in as many of the peer support groups that I am, it is all too common for the messages “asking” what should be done, when an excruciating pain or uncontrolled dizziness is occurring.

You do not need to be like me and my fellow survivors either.  You could be in perfect health when one of these situations sneak up on you.  The point is, if it grabs your attention, it needs your attention.  So then why is time wasted, when the answer should be quite simple?  What good does asking my or anyone else, what we think you should do?

For the most part, fear.  We do not want it to be what we think it might be.  But there is literally only one way to find out, and only one person who can, and that would be a doctor.  The good news is, that a doctor can also be the one to tell us it is nothing.

But if we are getting that warning, we are only getting that one warning, and there is likely not a lot of time to react.  I have had multiple events over the last fifteen years, here comes the hypocrite part, that I have ignored warnings.  One time, I was left no choice as I was taken out of my house on an ambulance stretcher at 3am.

In 2008, I was suffering a chest tightness for nearly four months before I went to the doctor.  And then only on a hunch by my doctor, an unusual test was ordered, and thirty-six hours later I was having emergency open heart surgery.  I was about to die from a fatal heart attack.

In 2012, as I mentioned, an early morning ambulance ride resulted in me being diagnosed with aspiration pneumonia, full blown septic.  The bad part, I do not think I had any symptoms, or at least I did not recognize any.  Yet, my bloodwork showed I had been septic for at least 48 hours.  I should have been dead by then, untreated.

In 2019, again, a follow up test revealed I had another major blockage with my heart, yet I felt no symptom that I am aware of.  The repair, thanks to advances in technology with my health history, was a lot easier than open heart surgery.

But while several of my episodes have been without recognizable symptoms, I have had plenty that did have warning signs.  Years ago, I was left paralyzed in the middle of my work area, alone (because everyone else was on lunch break), with a piercing chest pain, unlike my other condition.  I thought for sure I was having a heart attack, and was afraid to move, thinking that would be the last thing I would do.  I would actually have several of these “attacks” over the years.  Some would result in a trip to the ER, sometimes not.  The point is, only one person could determine if it was something or not.

Later in 2019, I had another one of those episodes, that resulted in me being admitted.  They were certain that something had happened, just not sure what.  It is believed that I suffer from “lightning strikes” as one cardiac nurse calls it, a result of the type of bypass that I had done back in 2008 (more complicated to explain without detail on this post).  There is nothing that can really be done for them, but let me tell you, they get my attention.

I know that I am not healthy as the rest of most I know.  So when I do see a friend or acquaintance, talk about an unbearable pain in the side, chest, dizziness, whatever, I do not hesitate telling them to go straight to the ER.  Time wasted with a serious warning like that can mean the difference between life and death.  The best that can happen, is be told you are fine.  But hopefully the worst, you are diagnosed with whatever is causing the symptom and it can be corrected.  But you only get that one warning.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
11 Mar 2021

A Dad’s Thoughts


Ask anyone who knows me personally, and they will tell you that I think of my daughters all of the time.  Whether they were at daycare, in school, at a friend’s house, or in between visits, my mind is always going.

There are things that they have witnessed as children, they still have not taken the time to grasp, if they even will at all.  I have been completely open with my daughters that their questions should be answered.  And likely, there will be doozies that they were involved with, from issues related to the divorce, to their adoptions.

In the meantime, their lives have been spent with me making sure that they grew up with basic values, respect, trust, love.  It was important that they not only learned right from wrong, but why it was so.  I taught them that nothing that they succeed in, can come at anyone else’s expense.

The last several years, have been spent learning about prioritizing, time and money management, thinking about… THE FUTURE!!!!  Not to make the mistakes I made growing up.

The one thing that has been consistent?  I have let my daughters know, every chance that I get, that I am proud of who they are, and the things that they have done.  Of course, now older teenagers, when I do this, there is a response of an eye roll so bad into the backs of their heads, it produces a crashing sound of thunder.  Have I done it so much, that it has lost meaning over time?

This weekend is the first opportunity for the SATs in 2021.  As a rule, I loathe standardized tests as too much time in schools is spent teaching to take those tests.  But the SATs are different.

I do not remember that much about my first, and only SAT.  That was almost forty years ago, YIKES!  I had no prep.  I had no PSAT for practice.  I knew of no other opportunities to take the SAT again.  I had no guidance.  I was on my own.  This is referred to as “the school of hard knocks.”

My Dad was not there for me, most of my childhood and that was the way most of my life went, without all of these influences and needs being met.  There were no examples laying before me or any kind of playbook on decisions that had to be made with my daughters.  I raised my daughters the way that I wish I had been.

I cannot imagine the kind of student, or teenager I would have been, had my Father been as much of an influence as me with my daughters.  I was not an “eyeroller” because I just did whatever the Hell I wanted.  I was unsupervised.

All I knew was, my daughters were going to know that I love them and care about them, unconditionally.

Learning from my past, my older daughter heads into her first opportunity with the SAT, understanding that she is going to take the SAT at the minimum a second time.  She has had tutoring to help her along the way, with a huge study guide, and an on-line study program.  She has taken the PSAT (practice SAT) twice.  In other words, unlike I did forty years ago, just showing up on a Saturday morning to take the SAT, my daughter is as prepared for the SAT as she can be.  My younger daughter is just behind her at the PSAT level.

And yes, cue the sound of the “eyeroll thunder.”  I am proud of them.  And I will let them know it.  I am pretty sure that my older daughter would make a great poker player, as she never shows her hand when it comes to nerves.  If she is nervous about this weekend, she is not showing it.  She never has.  It is that one final thing that both have been taught, in the end, she did her best.  And whatever score she gets, that was her best.  If it needs to be better, she will work on it.  But for now, she gives her best, does her best.  It is her best.

Good luck to my older daughter this weekend.  I know you will do well.

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
10 Mar 2021
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When Those Closest Do Not Even Get It


When someone gets diagnosed with a serious illness, such as cancer, initial feelings for those around the patient, are often shock, fear, concern, hope, and encouragement.  In too many cases however, these feelings often fade or are extinguished as quickly as a match’s flame is blown out.

And just as when that match is blown out, it leaves behind an awful, sulfur smell.  Of course we do not expect a match to stay lit forever.  And nor should we expect many who we are acquainted with to carry the concerns and encouragement for a successful path in dealing with our serious illnesses.

The truth is, we do expect, and we should expect, those closest to us, such as our family, closest friends, and perhaps even co-workers, to continue to be concerned and offer encouragement.  After all, these are the people that patients spend most of the time with, witnessing all of the stressful moments, struggles through treatments, and the fears of the possibility of not reaching remission.  It is a no-brainer.  If the patient is your spouse, parent, child, sibling, best friend, close co-worker, you are expected to be there no matter what.  We need you.

Then how do we go from them being there for us, to not being there, and/or betrayal?  Wait.  WHAT?  Betrayal?

That’s right, I said betrayal.

Being there goes without saying.  Your loved one or close friend, likely one to even be a medical advocate or proxy for you, stands by you no matter what.  Their only concern is helping you get through this awful journey that you were forced to take on, through no fault of your own.

And if you are lucky, this is exactly the situation you have had, or someone you know may have experienced.  The last thing anyone would expect to happen to a cancer patient, or anyone facing any other serious illness, is to get “kicked in the teeth”, “punched in the gut,” whatever expression you want to use, while going through something so difficult, often times possibly fatal.

It happens more often that many may be aware of.  And unless you participate in many of the forums as I do, you may be unaware just how often this occurs, or how serious it gets.  Experiencing this behavior myself, on numerous occasions, I have seen countless others, even as they faced death, be treated just as horribly.

As I said, there are two types of this unacceptable and inexcusable behavior.

The first, if you can believe, develops as a “jealousy.”  That’s right.  The cancer patient must be getting some special treatment that is not enjoyed by all.  An example, back when I was diagnosed, many co-workers thought I was given special privileges for time that I would miss from work.  It never happened.  I lost income from the time I missed unless I used sick pay.  During my survivorship days, where I have struggled with my health from the treatments thirty-one years ago, physically unable to do many of the things I once did, and protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act, it was common for co-workers to bitch that it was not fair, that I got paid the same rate, and was unable to do every task that they, being healthy were expected to do.  Imagine that, jealous of the guy who has cancer, or just had open heart surgery (my list goes on).  I challenge one person reading this, who would jump at the opportunity to switch places with me.  No, seriously, I would love to play baseball again, or go whitewater rafting or skiing like I used to.  Come on!  Any takers?

But the truth is, this behavior is all too common, and unfortunate.  There is not one person I know who asked to be challenged by a battle with cancer.  We are the one being inconvenienced.  You get to go through your life all happy and healthy.  The attention given to a cancer patient eventually ends up too much for many to accept.  Even vows of “in sickness and health,” no longer matter.

Sometimes, the “loved ones” will attempt to pull attention away from the patient, gathering pity for themselves to make them more of a focus.  “I can’t believe this is happening to me, having to deal with this.”  “I can’t get anything done I want because everything revolves around her.”  The comments go on.  The most nauseating comment I have ever heard, “I can’t believe I am going through this.  After they’re gone, what am I going to do?”  Seriously, if you are in a situation of losing a loved one, and those words leave your lips, the loss of your loved one is the least of your self-absorbed problems.

But hey, once a person is cured, all is good!  Forget anything happened, right?  Let’s move on!  No more pity.  In fact, “it” shall never be mentioned again.  Of course that is a feeling that both patient and caregiver clearly hope for.  But there is a reality.  It does not work that way.

Ask any long term cancer survivor.  Many of us treated decades ago, were done so experimentally.  Short term, doctors knew treatments had a good chance to work.  Long term, they had zero idea at what cost.  Well, many doctors now do know.  But the problem, remember how concern and empathy changed when we faced our cancer?  This attitude returned in a much more awful way.

“I don’t understand, you were cured!  This is bullshit that we have to keep going through more.  Your cancer is gone!”  Many of my fellow survivors will agree, they have heard something similar.

While family may be the same, spouses may be different, different co-workers will be likely, the responses by all are likely to turn darker, unimaginable to come from people we thought cared.  Betrayal.

It is hard enough for us long term survivors to even find doctors who understand or know about our issues.  We are happy to even have a doctor with an open mind, willing to seek outside help.  Many see a doctor, with a definite issue related to treatments, only to be turned away because the doctor is ignorant in our treatment histories.

Even that could be understood to a point.  If it was not covered in medical school, which is was not until a decade ago at the least, how could a doctor be expected to know, unless they attend conferences or continue their education?  I am blessed because I have a doctor who does just that.  But the majority of doctors I have faced, have had no idea.

But a reluctant family member, friend, or co-worker who has had enough the first time if they were around for that, and if not, may not accept that there is even any proof that anything was ever wrong in the first place.

Two things are likely to happen.  Get the situation corrected.  It could be a surgery, perhaps medications, whatever.  Good, all better.  Move on.  You are good to go.  Denial.  Cancer patients now face lifetime surveillance to follow up for potential long term complications.  And a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor treated in the 20th century is likely to have a long list of issues that will never be recovered from.

Again, hard enough for the patient to deal with, those around the patient, push back.  “It’s not fair!”  “I have given enough!  It’s time for me to be able to enjoy life!”  “Why can’t they just get over it?”  Or, “they’re better now!” and settling for the next shoe to drop whenever it does.

Then it comes, betrayal.  It may seem like denial, but it is betrayal, because the loved one actually refuses to believe there is anything wrong with the patient, actively participating in efforts to smear the patient, demeaning the patient into someone just pathetically looking for attention.  The word “lazy” will also often get tossed around.

Many of us have been in this situation.  It is horrific.  We have enough on our plates, including fighting against doctors who may not have the knowledge or will, than to fight our caregivers as well.

In a perfect world, people would simply just care when another is ill, and that is all.  Not worry about what perks they are missing out while they get to enjoy good health.  Not to be resentful because a life-plan did not work out the way it had been dreamt.

In a perfect world, if you are reading this, and this has not happened to you, then I, and everyone else are happy that you have had support that has at the least, been never ending.  Strenuous is one thing.  But if it has never waivered, then you are one of the lucky ones, and I could not be happier for you.

And if you have gone through behaviors like this, you are not alone.

Posted in Bullying, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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