Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Recreation”

Real Dad


A while back, I wrote about a co-worker, someone I had considered at least on friendly terms, who made an unfortunate comment about my decision to adopt my daughters. Because I was adopting internationally, he felt that I was bringing people here to take jobs away from Americans, as opposed to the US sending job overseas.

It is not unusual for people to make ignorant and bigoted comments. Especially when it comes to the world of adoption. Some of the comments can be quite insensitive. But nothing could have lit my fuse more, than a comment made over this past weekend, not to me personally, but came across my news feed.

Because I want this post to be directed as intended, and not something political or any other cause, I am not going to name the person who said it, not even gender. But after reading my post, a simple “google” will tell you who said it. Said what you ask?

“Children are in the greatest danger in America today, because traditional family values are being destroyed, the idea that Mom and Dad together, not fake Mom and fake Dad, but biological Mom and biological Dad, can raise their children together, to do what’s right for their children raising them to be confident in who they are, their identity. Their identity, they’re a child made by God.”

Again, a simple “google” and you can find out who spit out this garbage on their podcast, last Thursday, July 14th on Rumble, and you will find a person who has made racist and bigoted comments in the past. So it is no surprise that this person would have no issue making an ignorant and pompous comment as to imply anyone other than a biological parent, is “fake.”

Now, as some may figure out who this is, may want to run to this person’s defense with “they did not mean that you were a fake Dad. You are taking them out of context.” Am I though? This person clearly said, on the video with their own tongue and voice, available on Twitter, “Mom and Dad together, not fake Mom and fake Dad, but biological Mom and biological Dad,” is quite clear.

If this person wanted to be specific, as I said, being a racist and bigot, they know how to single out a specific type of “fake” parent if they wanted, such as “gay parents” or family’s with trans family members. But they did not, because in the past, this person has had their ass handed to them for the other stupid comments made in the past about race and the LGBTQ community.

No, this person was quite clear, if you did not birth the child, you are a fake parent. If the child does not have your genes, you are a fake parent. So, let’s take a look at the types of “fake” parents this person could be referring to as not having “traditional family values.”

  • step parents
  • single parents
  • gay couples
  • trans families
  • adoptive families

I am going to stop there, because I need to make sure I stay in my lane, in other words, speak only of which I know. Though I have had both a stepmother and a stepfather, I do not credit either with who I am today, so I am not going to refer to them either. I will let everyone else advocate for the groups they support.

But, for me, I am an adoptive parent. I am not “fake” as this person put it. I am a real Dad. And from the moment they were placed in my arms, I have done all that I can, to make sure that they learned my values, which I know are different from this person. After all, who is this person to decide that their values are better than mine? Neither of my daughters have gotten into any trouble, legally or morally. They seem to have done well with the values I have taught them. I have taught them how important it is to be proud of who they are and where they are from, and to learn and respect all of our American history as well as their Asian culture, for that is the only way not to repeat the ugly parts of it. They are law abiding, respectful, polite, and loving. And if you asked either of my daughters, I am definitely their real Dad. And they are definitely confident in who they are.

No, they were not born of my blood. But they were born in my heart. And from the moment they were placed in my arms, I became their real Dad.

I am sure the adoption community will have a field day if they share the outrage and disgust I am experiencing from yet another worthless and pompous self-righteous judgement from someone who really needs to look at themselves before judging others. In fact, it has been a while since I have opened it, but if this person believed in what they spoke, which is clearly written in the Bible I was raised on, Matthew 7:1, Jesus warns that those who condemn others will themselves be condemned (also loosely translated, “judge not, lest ye be judged”. Someone needs to practice what they preach.

A Chapter Has Closed


Back in 2009, as my older daughter was preparing to begin first grade, our school district was in turmoil. The teachers were in the process of negotiating a new contract, and the school board had chosen some very unfortunate methods in dealing with the teachers and the negotiations. Someone from the school board felt it was wise, to take out a full page color ad in the local newspaper, stating the salaries of every teacher, guidance counselor, and school nurse by name. The intent was clear, to rally the community against the teachers, and against any opponents challenging school board members in the next election cycle.

It was a huge mistake for them. A sleeping and ignorant giant had been woken. Like most, up until that moment, I was like many, who had no knowledge of school district operations, and just exactly what is expected of a teacher, which is what makes them worth every penny they are paid (and this was before the constant school shootings we expect our teachers to die for, or be exposed to lethal viruses). If there was one thing about me I knew and despised, it was bullying. And I knew from experience not only when someone was being bullied, but what was behind it.

And so, I attended my first school board meeting, actually my first public meeting ever, just to see what was going on. That first meeting was all that was needed, to set me on a path I never saw coming, running for a public office. There were nine bullies on this board, five were going to be up for re-election, and all five needed to go.

There were several problems that I was about to face as I began the process of campaigning for one of the school board director positions. One, I HATE POLITICS! This was a war cry my campaign cringed every time those three words left my lips. But I was not a politician, and that was the reason why I kept repeating this credo. Another big problem was that our country is mainly a two party political system by majority, something our forefathers warned against (please note, there is a difference between understanding history and not being political). I was an independent registered voter. And with my state being closed for its primaries (being only able to vote for those in your registered party), an independent candidate has an uphill climb to get to the general election. I would have to swallow political “poison” and force myself to choose a side, neither of which I believed in 100% to have a chance. And even this decision was not mine to make as the incumbents on the board, were all Republican, who all had a grip on their seats for decades. Clearly I would not be able to unseat them as a conservative. I had no choice, but to run as a Democrat, and changed my voter registration to do that.

There was one final hurdle to get over. Other well known candidates had tried to go against these power hungry bullies, and lost. There is an expression, “strength in numbers.” That saying applied in this case. Often, only one or two candidates would run against the entire slate of the other party, clearly leaving them outnumbered, out-fundraised, and out-campaigned.

And with that, I met four of the most wonderful and diverse people, a tech guy, an accountant, a lawyer, and a retired school teacher. But we shared one thing in common, we all had a direct connection to our school district besides being a taxpayer. We were either graduates of the district or parents of students either currently in school or graduated. Our greatest quality amongst ourselves, we could communicate with each other, and respected each other. Better yet, spoiler alert, after all was said and done, we became great friends.

We came up with a campaign slogan and theme, from the least likeliest source, and least qualified, me. We were taking a step like none others to change this school board. We were taxpayers who wanted accountability, but we also had responsibility to the children to do what was best for them. And the current situation was not accomplishing that. Things were not progressing as they needed. And that is how I came up with “1st STEP – Students and Taxpayers Expect Progress.” And while as the least qualified on this slate, I was shocked, by group consensus, this was how our campaign would begin.

At this point, I still felt pure, in that my effort had nothing to do with politics, which I was fine with. My running mates were all registered Democrats, so I left the political crap up to them. I was focused on my targets, the bullies sitting on the board. I was not going to lose sight. And then this happened.

Our campaign had started to get the attention from the incumbents. This photo is the front side of a political mailer sent out attacking us. To be clear, I have had disagreements with people in my life, but never on this level, and by complete strangers no less. The intent was to imply that myself and my running mates and I had the support of the teachers, who clearly had been abused by the current board. This would come in the form of an “endorsement.” But the bigger issue, was the optics of this political piece, meant to shock the community. Oh, it shocked the community alright. Using a photo, depicting violence, involving a school body, sent outrage of inappropriateness across the country. That’s right. The local news picked up on this, and the bumbling interviews they did with the incumbents running for re-election showed their plan had backfired, badly. Though, they still stood by their effort.

This was the catalyst that finally brought a movement of change and decency to our school board. Unfortunately, all five of us had lost our bid for school board, but collectively with less than 500 votes, three of us losing by less than 200 votes. We had gotten the attention of the voters in the district.

We would take one more shot two years later, with our relentless efforts to expose what we thought was wrong with the district operations, and what we could do to improve them. Two of our candidates won their seats that year, with a third, just barely losing, again by a small margin of votes, that all it would have taken were some people to think their vote would have counted, it would have. She would run again, and this time not only make it on to the board, but become board president. In fact, the entire board has changed over.

I have since bowed out of politics all together. Though, with students still attending school in the district, I feel I still had a right to express my concerns, and when needed, speak up in defense of our school board. With the boorish behavior of so many attending school board meetings speaking up during public commentary, as was typical, those who felt the board was doing right, either did not attend, or did not feel the need to speak up. Most figured that these negative speakers were doing themselves their own disservice, and nothing further needed to be said. To a degree, that was true. But just as I got involved back in 2009 when my daughter started school, I was not standing for this abuse in my daughter’s senior year.

I do not envy my fellow campaign members, in their roles of volunteerism, that’s right, their position on school board, subject to all kinds of verbal harassment and abuse, was volunteer. Two have since passed away, and one is currently a local judge. I still keep in touch with those who are still with us, and consider them friends. Wherever they all end up, I will always say proudly, I knew them when they started their ride.

But now, it is time that I close this chapter for me. And it was a fun ride.

Father’s Day Thoughts


I have made one thing clear to my daughters as they have either reached adulthood, or about to, of any of the holidays of the year, Father’s Day is the most important to me. As I am sure for many, Father’s Day carries many different emotions and feelings. But I define my life, by those three letters, “D” “A” “D”. And as the subtitle of my blog states, “life as a Dad, and a survivor,” “Dad” is the first mention of my two definitions.

I have made many references to Harry Chapin’s song “Cats In The Cradle” over the years. And as the meme suggests, as the song reaches its later verses, reality sinks in. And though I would never have expected Chapin to have added an alternate final verse, as a grown son in his fifties now, I wonder what he would have wrote and sung about life in the end, without “Dad”. As happy as Father’s Day is for many of us, it is also a sad day for those of us who have lost our Fathers, some long ago, some recently.

The life between my Father and I was a complicated one, a tale of two halves, fortunately, the second half being more memorable and lasting. And as I have written recently, I am finally working through at least one of the issues from my childhood with him.

And that brings me to others who are celebrating without their “Dads” for one reason or another. There are any number of reasons a child may not have a Father figure in their life. But none will be more difficult than a child knowing that they have a Father, somewhere, and either the Father has made the choice not be in that child’s life, or, just as bad, a mother choosing to alienate her child from their father. When this happens, while the intended target is the Father, it is ALWAYS the unintended target, the child, who will pay the most for that act. EVERY TIME! This is not only an unnatural act to deny a relationship with a parent, but it is child abuse.

Being a Dad has been one the most meaningful thing in my life. Being a parent does not come with a manual, if you are lucky, you may have experiences that you have witnessed from others that may help guide you.

Just to get to the point of becoming a father was an uphill battle for me with my health issues. Having the title of “Dad” does not automatically make you a Dad. Sure there are lots of fun and laughs watching your child grow, but parenthood also comes with seeing your children experience pain and sometimes heart break. And that can be real tough.

And if that is not hard enough, throw divorce into the mix. While trying to make sure that the bonds between father and child are not stressed or fractured, additional pressures are faced. Unlike my father who made the choice to be distant in my childhood, I promised my daughters I would always be in their lives. And I have kept that promise. With the exception of two Father’s Days early on in the divorce, for reasons I will not go into presently, I have celebrated this day every year with my daughters.

But just as Chapin’s song goes, when our children grow, they have their own lives, and eventually their own children, their own Father’s Days. And that may mean, just the phone call from your daughter or son having to be good enough. The first time that happens will always be hard. But to have gotten to this point in all of your lives is a foundation that can never be taken away.

I have one more Father’s Day yet with a “child,” and then I will have two grown daughters, who will always be my daughters, but may have something going on in their lives which may not allow them to be with me on this day. But I will have Facetime to fall back on, and just to see their smile will be just as good, to bring back all the memories that they have given me over the years.

And with each year, yes, I miss my Dad. I am sure that he is watching, and happy with the young ladies my daughters are becoming. And I am sure he is happy with the Dad I am. I know I am very happy.

Happy Father’s Day to all. And for those whose Fathers are no longer with them, I hope you have fond memories to carry you through this day.

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