Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Recreation”

27 Jun 2023

All Things Being Equal…


Today is a day that makes it official for me as a Dad, it is going to be quite a while before I am likely to spend time with both of my daughters together at the same time. There are good reasons for it as well. In fact, I actually played a role in this plan.

As my daughters have grown, I had always done my best to treat them equally. This does not mean that they are not their own individual beings. Quite the contrary, they are different in so many ways from their personalities, their interests, and their motivations.

I am in unchartered territory right now, actually I have been my daughters entire lives. All I can hope is that I have done all that I can, and that it was good enough. From the time my oldest daughter was placed in my arms, I learned the role of a Father, “on the job.” I did my best to balance their childhood between playtime, helping with homework, teaching responsibility, and to dream. Being an adult child of divorce, it was key to me, that neither of my daughters experience the loss, witness any conflict, or develop any unnatural feelings toward either parent, something I still struggle with today.

But the one thing that I know my daughters will always know, that I love them both equally. I do not favor one over the other. Together, they complete my world. Over the last year, as my older daughter returned home from her visit with me, I would send her off in her college colors. Now, I have two college colors to wear, and when my younger daughter returns home during the Summer, I will wear her colors as well. Here is the thing.

Do you remember this past year’s Super Bowl? Who did not truly appreciate “Mama Kelce” and her fashion choices, even going as far as stitching two football jerseys together, each representing the team each of her two sons were playing against each other in this year’s Super Bowl. She wore shoes, ear rings, everything representing 1/2 of each team her sons played for.

Though my daughters will be attending college in the same state, I do not believe that there is any sports competitions making them rivals. But that does not change the fact, that I now have two “colors” to wear (coincidentally neither the colors I have worn previously). How do I wear one shirt with both daughters without slighting the other, even if I switch shirts the next day, giving the other daughter her turn at representation? I am certainly not going to stitch the two shirts together.

I have made the decision, I will wear the colors of either, under two conditions. The first, when it is a visit with just one of my daughters. That is easy. The other situation? When I have both daughters together, neither colors will be worn, unless, one leaves earlier than the other, and I will then send off that daughter, wearing her colors, and then wear the colors of the daughter remaining.

Whether it has been presents bought for birthdays and holidays, new clothing for school, or even “hey Dad, can I have $5?”, I have never kept any kind of “score” to keep track and make sure things were “even.” Things were done equally, I just know it.

And whether it be material things, or emotions of pride and love, I give everything to both my daughters equally. They are both heading in different directions, and will each make their own impact on the world as individuals. But as my daughters, they are equals.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
16 Jun 2023

Remembering Dad This Weekend


Many will spend this weekend, having an opportunity to spend Father’s Day with their Dads and Grandfathers. Some will not for any number of reasons, whether it be a matter of circumstance such as location (living too far away), domestic situations such as custody orders, and those whose Fathers are no longer with us.

This is Billy Joe Armstrong, of the rock band Green Day, one of my favorite bands. A popular hit, “Wake Me Up When September Ends” was a song that Armstrong wrote for his Father who had passed away from esophageal cancer when Armstrong was just ten years old. He carried the grief of his Father over twenty years when he finally penned the lyrics and recorded one of the major hits of the “American Idiot” album. I only recently learned of this explanation, and have a new profound respect for the singer and the song.

If there is one thing that I could have considered one of my biggest fears, that was leaving my daughters behind in my death with them at such a young age. My daughters had already been witness to so many other kids their age, who suffered the imaginable loss of a Father or Mother, too young to understand why, just that they were never coming back. There are three families that come to mind immediately for me, specifically who lost their Fathers due to either an illness or fatal event.

I was petrified back in April of 2008 when I underwent emergency heart surgery for a condition known as a “widow maker,” for the obvious reason, that if you suffered a heart attack due to this condition, you were fairly likely to die. Caused by my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma eighteen years earlier, this situation caught me completely off guard. Not only that, but as my cardiologist explained at my first follow up from the surgery, “it was not a question if you were going to die, but when.” Considering that I had been dealing with noticeable symptoms for months prior to the surgery, no one needs to explain just how dire this was.

But with this only being the first of many health crisis I would face that were considered life and death, and remembering the family friends of my daughters and their losses, I never wanted them to hear those words, “your Father passed away.”

Losing a parent does not get any easier, as an adult child either.

When my Father passed away from complications of lung cancer, we could not have been any closer with each other. The loss of my childhood from my Father and divorce, long forgotten, our relationship grew as adult Father and son, and more importantly, getting to watch him with his granddaughters. Prior to his diagnosis, we really had grown much closer together. He had become not only my Dad again, but also one of my most trusted confidantes. My Dad passed away nine years ago, and much like Armstrong, I still miss my Dad all these years later.

As I said, there are other circumstances that can make Father’s Day difficult. Divorce, separation, or any other form of domestic conflict. Some Fathers are actually kept from their children, legally and illegally. In a form of child abuse, there are cases where children are actually encouraged to shun or dislike their fathers in what is called “parental alienation,” often times for nothing more than petty vengeance of the other parent. And then there is what I can only call the despicable, the Fathers who want nothing to do with their children. I will never understand a parent that can just walk away and forget.

Then there is the unthinkable, a Father having to get through Father’s Day, with the loss of a child. Whether it be because of an illness such as cancer, a tragic accident, or as today, an all too frequent occurrence, gun violence, it is unimaginable what it takes a Father to get through this day.

Father’s Day is a day to celebrate, to be grateful for one half of your parental unit, whether alive or passed on. And if you are a parent, it is a day to hopefully celebrate with their child or children, who naturally love their Dad. If there is one thing I convey to my daughters, I do not care about Christmas or any other holiday with them, as much as I care about this one time of year, my day, Father’s Day.

And if you are one of the many parents who do find it hard to celebrate Father’s Day, for any reason, please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts, that either your grief or situation improve, so that either memories can restore joy, or being present again in each other’s lives is made possible as it naturally was meant to be.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
25 May 2023

“Funemployment?”


Do not bother looking for this word in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary just yet. It is not a word, for now. But it is a term that has appeared recently, meant to be critical of today’s youth in reference to delaying entry into the workforce. Politically, a certain part of society would label these youth as lazy, not wanting to work. But an essay by Suzy Welch in the Wall Street Journal recently, brought up a different aspect as to why “Gen Z” is in no rush to apply for jobs.

To qualify Welch is a professor at NYU. She had been teaching MBA students when the topic came up about what they would be doing after college. A student who answered Welch, said she had no plans, and was just going to take advantage of some “funemployment.” The concept of “funemployment,” being the time period in between school or a job, and another job. This concept is really about attitude and approach with being unemployed, not being afraid, intimidated, or panicked with being unemployed. They simply just plan on being chill.

Anyone who has ever been unemployed for any reason, terminated or resignation, is likely to have felt the unbelievable stress, experienced mounting cash shortage, and possible eviction from their homes. It seems, this generation, “Gen Z,” may be on to something even bigger, perhaps by having seen their parents experience negative consequences during periods of unemployment, and simply have found a different way to deal with this period of time. They also may have seen their parents rush to take a job, just for the sake of taking a job, and being miserable for it, resulting in the entire household becoming one of misery.

Think about it. I know my daughters over their youth, while knowing only one company that I had worked for, knew that I had spent many overtime hours at work, totaling on average between 50-60 hour work-weeks, and often felt mistreated at work by my employer. They knew that my job also carried somewhat of a physical risk. And when my health started going south from my late effects from my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, they saw how poorly the company thought of my worth. Though discussion of work with my daughters has not come up yet, I know that one thing I have encouraged both to be a factor when choosing a career, find something you have passion about and do not be forced to make it a job or work, and that will be something they can make a career out of.

One thing I will say about my daughters, I do not believe they are afraid of work. They have been and continue to be good students, carrying good grades. Their education has always been a priority for me, so I was not a parent who pushed for them to participate in year round sports, or as they got old enough, to get part time work. While there was definitely a reason to get part time work, from social skills building to earning money for personal things, maybe even save for college, my concern was sacrificing the time that was needed in the evening to complete homework, share family time with each other, and of course, make sure that they got plenty of rest and a good dinner. Anyone who ever worked as a teenager, knows an employer will take advantage of teenagers from long and late hours, and I simply did not want their grades impacted.

Getting back to the comment about what today’s youth have witnessed by their parents, again, there is a split among opinions. Most parents will state they did what they did, worked how they worked, made the sacrifices for their kids, so that they could have nice stuff and do fun things. I am no exception. Being from a divorced home, I wanted nothing but better for my daughters than I had. Here is where the difference occurs in opinion. Some parents will say, “now they need to do what we did, make the sacrifice. It is what you do.”

I find myself in a different thought process, especially in light of this new phenomenon “funemployment.” Were all the sacrifices that I made for my daughters worth it, in particular to my daughters? Until my health started failing, and it was occurring much quicker because of the physical toll I placed on my body with the extra hours I was putting in, I was able to provide nice gifts, went on trips, seemingly giving my daughters, “better than I had.”

But one day, my oldest daughter, ten years old at the time, asked me completely out of the blue, “Daddy, how come you are never home? I miss you.” That is when it hit me. I am sure at the time, my daughter definitely enjoyed everything she was given and experiencing. She also realized there was something she was missing, me, and time with me. We were out grocery shopping when this question came up. It was one of the rare times I had been home during the week with the number of hours I had been putting in at work. It left me with such a pit in my stomach. This was not what I wanted my fatherhood to be.

To keep things in perspective, neither of my daughters are likely to remember most of the trips we took, and except for some of the stories told, will not remember many of the gifts. But what they do both remember, is me working a lot of hours. And though we have different reasons for missing our Dads in our youth, their Dad lived in the house with them, yet they rarely saw me, especially as they got older. Sure, they knew I was working, working a lot. I am pretty sure they would have preferred that I not work as much. Because in the end, what they saw, was their parent, not happy with his work environment, feeling disrespected, underpaid, and underappreciated in spite of my commitment and dedication to my employer. I was a good and reliable worker until my health started going bad.

I know my daughters definitely do not want to be working in an environment that will require them to sacrifice themselves, time with family, self esteem. And if they are one of the millions of “Gen Z” who have found a way, not to panic about getting work, just so that they can take some extra time, to find that perfect fit, because clearly, our generations jumped into job after job, just for the sake of having a job, only to need to find another, I will not hold that against them.

My daughters are far from lazy. And it is likely, that many “Gen Z” are thinking the similar way. I am not naive though, that there may be some who are lazy. I just know that I can say my daughters will some day find their careers, and be the best at it. I do not want them rushing into something, only to be negatively impacted by an experience. As the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race. I am okay with that.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics, Recreation | Leave a comment

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