Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Inspired By…”

This Cannot Be Stressed Enough


A tragic story came across my news feed this morning. A young man passed away from just two weeks into his treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Now I need to be clear, the post appears to have come from a friend, not a relative so the details are coming third hand.

It needs to be stressed, his passing is quite complicated, or rather, from complications. He did not pass from Hodgkin’s itself, and not likely, possible, but not likely from his treatment itself. There are a lot of unknowns with this post not being from a direct family member, so I want to be careful not to speculate. The person posting the article said that he evidently had an infection, but had confused it with possibly being side effects from the chemo. By the time he sought help, he was full blown septic, and passed away. His profile picture shows a young man, probably not even thirty years old, and likely quite healthy otherwise.

Again, I want to be careful with what is known and not make any determining conclusion as to what happened. Because I do not know, and neither did the person writing the post. And though I am not a doctor, I am only fairly certain, neither is the writer. But here is what I do know from personal experience, and my involvement with the cancer community.

Our bodies do let us know when something is wrong. But it is more than just noticing, action needs to be taken. The writer mentioned that her friend was not feeling well for quite some time. I will admit that I am someone who “ignores” or does not recognize when something does not feel right. I have had numerous lectures from medical personnel, that I should have gotten medical attention much sooner, as I look at them like a deer caught in headlights.

I am not sure when this young man developed his infection, and I would only be assuming that it had to be after his treatment, since bloodwork is done prior to the administering of the treatment, and an infection likely would have shown in the bloodwork, and his treatment would have been halted until the issue had been determined and treated. And of course, once treatment is administered, any number of side effects can occur with any level of discomfort. Here is where it gets difficult. And here comes my warning to you, whether in treatment or a everyday healthy human being.

If you truly do not feel well, especially after treatment, as I often tell cancer patients, “if you eye lashes hurt, call your doctor. Let them decide if it is something that requires attention or if it is nothing. They are the ones with the education and training.” All to often, we simply do not want to bother our care staff, because we “know this stuff was supposed to happen,” or “it’s not that bad,” or, “they have more important and sick patients to worry about.” NO! NO! And NO! If you are feeling something unusual, you are the most important person to your doctor and they are the only ones who can determine whether or not you need additional attention.

Again, I do not know the chemo regimen the young man was getting. But if it was the standard, which has been used over four decades now, there are drugs used that can cause issues immediately, but when they do, there is usually time to catch them before any true damage is done. This man’s situation does not seem like that is what happened, but rather, having an infection, receiving a treatment, which of course, will drive down the body’s immune system (its ability to fight infection), and send the situation to a point where little if anything can be done. And that is what appears to have happened.

Admittedly, I can relate to this young man. Just as an example, one of many actually, when I refer to the time I had my emergency bypass, I had symptoms for over four months, and did nothing because I did not think of it as a big deal. I had gotten to the point where my cardiologist had told me after the surgery, “it was not a question of ‘if’ you were going to do, but ‘when'”. I would love to be able to write that I learned my lesson after that, but I did not. And it is not something I do on purpose. I honestly do not recognize when I have symptoms. Yes, I have had other situations since, some, just as dire. And if it were not for someone around me, actually noticing my facial expression changing or some other sign, this story could easily be about me.

Listen to your body. It lets you know when something is not right. Your life matters. Let those trained in medicine tell you, if it is something that requires attention or not. And this does not matter if you are dealing with cancer, surviving cancer, or never had cancer.

It’s Quiet Here. Too Quiet.


It happens at the end of every visit from my daughters, the silence. I go from daily wake-ups, making breakfasts, preparing lunches, driving one to work and back, and doing “Dad” stuff, either teaching life lessons or sharing memories, to silence. Full stop. Nothing to do. There is stuff I can and need to do, but it is still so quiet.

The first half of their lives, all living under the same roof, a beat was never skipped with bed and bath time, meals, homework, and play. And honestly, though my heart ached being separate from them following the divorce, I never really had any opportunity to “not realize” the silence. I was either immediately immersed into my custody case, or facing an imminent health issue related to my cancer survivorship, simply put, either too busy or distracted to realize the silence around me.

But following their visits to me, it was a different story. Living alone, I never realized the quiet. Maybe that is because I always had some sort of noise playing, usually music. When they arrived, I had things to do. It was just like the days when we lived with each other. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, playtime, bedtime. And then they would go back home, and I would forget to turn anything on, whether it was the radio or television. I had nothing to do. It was quiet.

This last Summer visit was their last “custodial” visit with me. With both in college, adults, they have their own lives to live. In a way, the geographical strain combined with the custody process, might actually have helped me to prepare for this day, the official “empty nest.

“Empty Nest Syndrome” is an actual situation recognized by the NIH as “a psychological condition that affects parents, caused to experience feelings of grief, loss, fear, inability, difficulty in adjusting to the new roles, and the change of a parental relationship, when the children leave the home.” Wow. When you put it that way, it makes it feel like a super heavy time to experience.

But I am not having any of those feelings. I am actually feeling joy, happiness, hope, recognizing that my daughters are now on their way to become who they were meant to be. My hope is that I have given them the tools to make the right decisions, the encouragement to dream big, recognize that sometimes things do not work out, all in the plan to celebrate a dream recognized.

I have given them the best examples that I can to make the right decisions in two of the main issues in relationships, a role model for how to be treated and how to treat their significant other, and money. But from here on, it is all on them. Yes, the parental relationship has changed. I have gone from teacher to advisor. But to them, I am still the same man they have always known. I am their Dad. Always have been. Always will be.

This meme came across my feed the other day, and could not be any more accurate. Along with the memories I have made with my daughters, I literally have thousands of photos to actually relive those memories any time that I want, or need to. Like now, with it being so quiet, still.

A Letter To My Daughters


To my daughters, in less than two months, you will both be students in college. Both of you have your directions that you are going in. Both of you have an inclination of what you want to do once you have earned your degrees. But know this, I have done all that I can, from the times that you were placed into my arms, through elementary school, middle school, and high school, to prepare you for this next part of your life.

I wanted to give you as much as I was able, definitely more than I had been given. And though our journey as a family did not follow as planned, I am hoping that the lives we shared with each other, provided you both with the foundations and experiences, to not only get through college, but in each of your lives.

I am going to put aside all of the childhood and family memories that I have of us because they will always be there for me. But now, as this first part of your life has been completed, I want to focus as I watch you both, become the women you were meant to be. The decisions you make are now your own. I am simply here, with words should you need advice. The experiences you have, are yours.

As you continue to grow, and yes, that means get older (I told you to stay kids as long as you could), keep these words in mind.

Whenever you need, I am just a phone call away. And when I do get calls from you, it will bring me such joy. Whether it is just to say “hi” or “I love you and miss you,” or simply, “I need you,” I will likely reply with “miss you more”, “love you more,” “need you more.” In fact, a billion times more.

Believe in yourselves. I know that I believe in both of you. No matter what obstacles get thrown in front of you, know that I will be there, and I will always support you both no matter how far apart we may be. You will always succeed as long as you keep trying. You used to say that I needed to let you “fall” so that you could learn how to pick yourselves up. And now, it is up to you to find your own way. Yes, my heart will be sad if or when this happens, in silence with any struggle you face, but the sadness will turn into pride when you overcome those moments. Just remember, you can only fail if you stop trying.

People tell me that you are both lucky to have me as a Father. I believe it is the other way around. You are both a miracle to me. The blessings and memories that you have given me so far, have given my life meaning. But I know that I cannot keep you as children forever. I am so excited for what is ahead for both of you. I have been as honest, loyal, and strong for you and with you as I can, whether in times of joy or sorrow. I wanted to be your role model not just for your character, reputation, and morals, but in how you expect to be treated by those you bring into your lives. Of all things I have done with you, it is those examples that I consider the most important thing for me to have taught you both.

Our visits with each other will be less for the next several years, but the moments that we are able to get together with each other, all together or with just either of you, I hope you will be as excited to see me as I am to see both of you. I will be anxious to hear all of the things you have done since I last saw you. I am no longer able to pick you up, hoist you upon my shoulders, but I will always be able to give you the biggest, and prepare for it, the longest hugs I can give both of you.

I know that I cannot promise to be there for the rest of your lives, but I can promise to be there for both of you, for the rest of my life. No matter what you go through, I will always love both of you, as I have always said, “to the moon and back.”

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