Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Inspired By…”

17 Dec 2020

The Power Of The Pet


I have always believed in the power of pets and healing, at least comforting, which is just as important.

This is one of only two photos I am aware of, from my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma days over 30 years ago.  Just prior to beginning my chemotherapy, I adopted a calico kitten and named her “Pebbles.”

There was just something so soothing about the purr, close to your ears, the feline vibrations soft enough to massage the physical stress away.  And though she spent lots of time doing “kitty things,” it was her behavior once I started chemotherapy that I will never forget.

On a regular basis, as I entered the door of my apartment, she always rushed to greet me.  But after my chemotherapy appointment, I “rudely” rushed by her, ignoring her, to get to the bathroom to deal with the nausea that as expected, was about to hit me.

She followed me to the bathroom, like many pets do.  Only, you could see, she was confused that I did not seem to be using the toilet like I normally would.  I was unable to pet her or give her attention.  And there she sat, just staring at me.  When I was done heaving, exhausted, it took every ounce of strength I still had left to get to my bedroom, and crawl into bed, shaking from the physical tension and muscle tightness all over.  Everywhere hurt.

As I lay in bed, Pebbles came up onto the bed, laying on my wife’s pillow (to be clear, 1st wife) until she came home from work, keeping watch over me.  This became the ritual for the next eleven treatments, every time.

Pebbles was not the first pet to have an impact in my treatment and recovery.  I had a golden retriever named Pollo.  Unbelievably loyal, Pollo went everywhere I went.  Except one time.  And that was in 2008 when I had to have open heart surgery to save my life from damage caused by treatments years earlier for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

We were known to roughhouse with each other, battling over who would be “alpha.”  This made me nervous as I made the trip home from the hospital, after six days recovering, my breast bone, still precariously sore and obviously not healed.  I had no idea how to prepare for Pollo, because when I came home from work, he often jumped on me to greet me at the door.  This could not happen when I walked in the door.  But how would I control his excitement.  We had never been apart.

I could feel my heart race as I opened the door, and here he came, he was definitely happy to see me.  And then his pace slowed, soon approaching my side, and standing there, allowing me to have the opportunity to pet him calmly.  As I was assuring him that I was home, and I would be okay, it would be as if he was trying to let me know, he was there to take care of me.  No matter where I was sitting, he would lay at my feet.  If I was laying down, he was laying by my side.  I could always count on him being there for me.

It did not have to be my own dog either.  During one of my many trips to the hospital, I was often visited by fur friends who stopped in just to say “hi.”  You can immediately feel the weight lift off you when you are approached by one of these four-legged caregivers.

Yes, medicine plays a big part in your care.  So does faith, if that is what you believe.  Support from family members, and of course, your actual caregivers from nurses to doctors are important.  But just as important, in care and recovery, are our fur friends.

Posted in Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
16 Dec 2020

A Rare Moment Of Vulnerability


The other day, I wrote of the passing of my friend and fellow Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor, Tammy.  I did as I often do, wrote a tribute to another long term survivor how had passed away, though this time was more difficult.

I am known personally and beyond, as someone who is pretty much in control of his environment and situations that arise.  I am not an emotional person which affords me to be able to think clearly, precisely, and quickly for each situation that I face.

Over recent weeks, 2020, in typical fashion, has been cruel.  Several of my fellow survivors that I have spoken/met with over the years had passed away, complications of their health from the treatments that cured them of their Hodgkin’s decades ago.  Of these three, and really among all of my survivor friends, Tammy was one that I knew the longest.

When I received the news of her passing, I did something I had not done in nearly thirty years, I broke down.  I lost it, emotionally.  As I mentioned, this happened only one other time in my life, decades before.

Since that time, I had put up a wall, because otherwise, the emotions that I struggled with at that time, would have prevented me from carrying on with things that needed to be done.  I had patients to counsel.  There were crisis and tragedies that I had to respond to, car accidents, fires, and even a few years ago, the ultimate pressure of getting through Hurricane Irma.  And there are the countless others that I have conversations with, often on a daily basis, helping them as they face various struggles in their survivorship.

Don’t get me wrong, I can shed tears, though admittedly I had not really done that.  But following my heart surgery in 2008, all of a sudden tears could flow more freely.  But what I am feeling right now is more “paralyzing.”  I am struggling to concentrate on things that need to be done at the moment.

I have received many comments from friends who attempt to do what even I cannot, try to figure me out.  Tammy was a good friend to me, but she was also my role model for survivorship.  Tammy was my inspiration of life.  I felt obligated that I could never complain about how I felt, because she never complained, and admittedly, her conditions were far more serious and advanced than mine are.

Her passing however, reminded me of our mortality.  We fight so hard to survive cancer, and when we do that, we spend the rest of our lives fighting the “cures” that saved us.  But Tammy was proof it was worth it.  There was so much that she got to experience in the decades that we knew each other, that she otherwise would not have.

I have been reminded by those closest to me, that I have a lot on my plate that I am dealing with, and then there is Covid19 complicating things.  Being hit with these feelings, along with the recognition that I am mortal, I am reminded that I am also vulnerable.  And it is okay to be vulnerable.  But there has to be an end at some point.  And I want it to be now.  Normally, I could just put it way back on the back burner, and move on.  Not this time.  I have gotten through others passing away, and I know that I can eventually get through this time.  But the longer I grieve, the longer I feel it will take me to get beyond the grief.

These feelings were described to me by another fellow survivor as “monsters”.  But then she also stated it is during these times, that when we defeat these “monsters”, that is when we demonstrate a true state of courage and strength.  This is what happens when we compartmentalize our feelings, and then get hit with a “gut punch,” with a passing of someone in a similar situation as us.

I remember an incident where my “first” wife, had been in a horrific car accident.  She was truly fortunate to have survived.  My mother had arrived at the hospital at 2am, and commented on my calmness all things considered.  I told her, “I will fall apart later.  Right now, I have things I have to get done.”

But later never came.  And for thirty years, I guess I always saw this as a good thing.  If I didn’t deal with the emotional issues connected to the events, I could spare the heartache.  The surprising thing, I have suffered losses of those even closer to me than Tammy, and I did not react the way that I feel now.  Then again, there was no relating the common bond that Tammy and I shared, the difficult health issues of the various systems of our bodies, that lead to daily struggles, struggles that for the most part, I never let anyone see.  All anyone gets to see is the “shell” that I let you see.

Well, now there is a crack in that shell.  In a rare moment, not only can you see that I am vulnerable, so can I.

 

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
15 Dec 2020

Really Not A Grinch, But…


I hate broccoli.  Allow me to expand on that.  I hate all vegetables, at least the green ones, also known as “the good ones for you.”

Reality TV… cannot stand it.  Well, except for the vocal competitions, as long as they do not waste my time with those just looking for fifteen minutes of fame.

Do not call lists.  We either have them and are on them until we take ourselves off due to some masochistic issue, or leave us the hell alone.

But there is one thing that really irritates me, like having sand in your swim trunks.  And yes, I know what that feels like.  I was really not smart at five years old.

To quote Jim Carrey’s “Grinch” character… “I looooooaaaathe” these things!  Reindeer antlers for cars.  The odd thing is, I have seen other decorations on cars that do not antagonize me the way these things do, even cars totally wrapped up in Christmas lights.  But these antlers!  AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Now, I need to give a little bit of transparency.  I am not a big fan of the holiday season in general.  To me, November and December are the grim reaper of the calendar.  I have had to deal with so many crisis and tragedy during these months over my life.  That said, I do celebrate the holidays, and to levels that might surprise you.  And as the things that have caused me such grief in these months, two of the most important people in my life, keep me in the moment of recognizing how each year, this holiday is important to me.

Yes, because of my daughters, I embrace the Christmas holiday.  Just as they helped my father embrace the holidays also.

I fully embraced the holiday.  Look at the smiles on their faces.  I had to keep those smiles forever.  I was fully committed to the role.

Every year I dressed up in a Santa suit.  My fur friend Pollo, always knew it was me under the suit, but he needed to be influenced to stay silent.  Christmas Eve, photos and video were taken of me with Pollo, eating the cookies and drinking milk, even putting presents under the tree.  And then, to reinforce the belief in the big guy, I showed the proof beyond the half-eaten cookies and now warm leftover milk, photos.  And much clearer than the photos of Big Foot.  Unfortunately, this was the final year that I did this, because, I was lazy.  And lazy got me caught.  My older daughter, who can find an earring back in three inches of shag carpeting, something unusual about Santa.  “Why is ‘HoHo’ wearing your sneakers Daddy?”  The gig was up.  I got away with the initial explanation of him having dirty boots, he took them off, and my sneakers were by the fireplace so he put them on, not be rude walking barefoot in our house.

And I am not against decorations.  Quite the contrary.

Every year, the day before Thanksgiving, I was outside, working on the thousands of lights that I would put up.  The picture shown is incomplete, because I had lights along the roof, and over 12,000 lights strung in my huge holly tree.  And there were hand crafted wood ornaments I had not put out yet.  My point is, I am not anti decoration.

But there is something about these things, that I cannot let go.  I am not a hunter.  So it is not a primal urge to shoot at something resembling a deer.  I just cannot explain the feeling.  Making it worse, don’t let me see that stupid red nose on the front grill of the car.

You don’t think these things don’t belong on a car.  Let me prove you otherwise.  Besides the fact that I think they are stupid (I know many will not share that sentiment), they are actually dangerous.

WHAT?

That’s right.  Sure, they may look cute driving through streets looking at houses decorated for Christmas, where you are driving five miles an hour.  But they are not meant for higher speeds.  Allow me to explain, because I actually get joy out of this.

These antlers are not meant for high speeds, unlike Santa’s actual reindeer.  And if these antlers have bells attached for authentic reindeer sleigh bells, even worse.  So, while one Christmas season, driving to the Poconos via the Pennsylvania Turnpike, there arose such a clatter, against my driver side window as I drove on cruise control at 70mph.    That clatter got louder and faster, and then all of a sudden, there was silence.  At least from the driver side of the car.  The passenger side was still noisy, but not as loud with my distance from it.

When we got to our destination, it appears our “reindeer wannabe car” had a mishap.  It broke an antler.  Funny.  Hysterical at least to me, because I never liked it in the first place, nor did I like feeling emasculated driving a car adorned with this crap.  But for the other passengers in my car, including my daughters, they wanted to laugh, because they saw that I saw it was funny, and “daddy is always funny.”  But the other parent was not amused, in fact, actually accusing me intentionally of driving a speed that somehow I knew would cause injury to the antlers.  Right.  Because I obtained secret information from the factory warning of antler stress fractures due to high rates of speed of 70 mph or more.  It was a conspiracy.

Just like in Scooby Doo, I had been caught like Mr. Chaumers.  I was glad that antler broke off.  But now I wondered whatever happened to the flying projectile from my car.  Did it fly into the windshield of the car behind me, either cracking the windshield, or worse, causing the driver to panic, perhaps getting into a car accident?

I may have not been thinking it originally, as to why I did not like these things.  But I do know now why I don’t like car antlers.  They are dangerous.  May not seem like it, but they have the potential for harm.

At the least, once Christmas was over, then the f*@cking Easter Bunny ears, nose, and fluffy tail were purchased next.  And those met a similar fate.  But that is a different story and a different season.

 

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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