Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

04 May 2015

The Last Time I Will Let This Happen


It is to be expected, that moving an entire coastline away from my children because of issues connected to my divorce, that I would miss certain events in my children’s lives.  And under normal circumstances, those absences would be made up within days, or at the least via video for me to witness.

But that has not been the case.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have not been able to spend the time I had hoped with my daughters.  I am working on it on my end.  It has just taken so much longer than I had hoped.  It is an uphill struggle, or it definitely is better described as paddling up a creek without the oars.  But I definitely believe that everything will work out, and a new “normal” will resolve with my daughters.

Make no mistake.   I know the hurt they are feeling as I too was a young child when my parents divorced.  And I have taken the same approach that many parents take, and not discussing the many issues of the divorce with my children, or why it has been so long since we have seen each other.

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For now, this is how I got to tell them “Happy Birthday.”  And it will be the last time that I do it this way.  While my older daughter is holding her own with her feelings, seemingly trying to protect both of her parents from hurt, my youngest normally does the same thing.  Until yesterday.

I have sent packages containing their presents for holidays and birthdays.  I will not let them think for one minute that I have ever forgotten those days, or worse, forgotten them.

But my daughters have an interesting aspect of their personalities.  They are not “big ticket” item children.  Sure, they love getting the big things, like an xbox360, Ipad, etc., and just like every year before that, but these are novelties that they hear about, and of course, then want.  But usually within days, a week at the most, the novelty wears off normally, and they move on to the things that mean something to them.

And that happened last night.  I know my daughters had a fun weekend with their mother and as I always encourage them, I told them I was glad.  I did not ask them about the gifts that were received for my youngest’s birthday, as I am sure she did quite well.  But she did finally open the package that I sent her.  And there was a little something extra for her sibling as well, as I am prone to do, something to remind them of our times together, and that someday, it will happen again.

But the contents in this package were quite special.  Along with her birthday card, I filled the box with seashells.  Not just any seashells, but shells that were collected by them, when they visited with me last summer.  When I Facetimed with them last night, it was not the new gifts that my youngest was playing with, but she was actually going through all the shells.  When she asked where I got them from, I said they were the shells that she and her sister had collected last year.  These were a reminder to her, not only where they came from, but a reminder that their summer visit will be coming up soon.

And I know how much that meant to both of them.  And I know how much it means to both of them this summer.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
03 May 2015

Too Little Time… The Priorities Of Children


I remember three things growing up as a kid.  First, I was allowed to be a kid.  I went to school, and when my homework was done, I was allowed to go outside and play, whether it was riding my bike or going to the ball field to either play some neighborhood football or baseball.  Second, other than watching the Banana Splits or HR Puffinstuff, the rest of my afternoon and evening hours were used participating in interests whether it was music or a community interest, but it was at most one or two days of the week, and only approximately a one hour commitment.  But that is exactly what it was, a commitment, if I signed up for it, that is exactly what I made, a commitment.  Others every week were counting on my participation, but these were things I was enjoying, so being “guilted” in attending was not an issue.  But my mother encouraged it nonetheless.  Third, I was encouraged by my mother to do the things that would impact my life as an adult.  It was not even a choice.  It was important to my mother that she supported my endeavors and dreams.

And really, this is the way it should be.  As a parent, we should always want the best for our children.  Our children should always be our first priority.  We are responsible for guiding, teaching, and preparing our children for life as an adult, something we all know, being an adult is not an easy thing to do.  But what we have in our bag of tools, is experience.  We were kids once.  And as adults, we can see what things were done in our past, and the impact that was made on where and who we are today.  We also know what else could have been done.

It is hard enough to accomplish this with the Norman Rockwell image of the perfect family having both parents.  But it does get more complicated when there is more than one child, or when there is only one parent, no matter the reason for that.  But the responsibility remains the same, preparing the child for the future.  And that is a commitment. And a parent that is dedicated to this obligation, will not dwell on their past and what was lacking or not achieved, will make sure that all efforts are made to make sure that what is done for the child, or children, helps to make the child’s life better than that of the parent.

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Today, I still believe that most parents want the best for their children.  That has not changed.  But what has changed, was the amount of pressure we have not only put on ourselves as parents, but on our children as well.  The children still go to school, that has not changed.  But what has changed for so many, are the activities following school.  There are way more choices than what there were back in the 70’s and 80’s, and even if they were outdoor activities, “indoor” facilities have been constructed allowing what was once a seasonal activity, to operate year round.

And unfortunately, this has led to the elimination of something I feel is very important, allowing a child to be child.  There simply is no time left.  Many children participate in extracurricular activities in school, followed by after school functions like karate lessons, music lessons, sports, and other community events.  There are so many choices.

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But this type of scheduling does more harm than good, all around.  We think that we are offering more choices, exposing our children to more options to choose from, in hopes that the larger amount of choices before them, will lead them to their future.  Unless the activity is of solo participation only, then participating in any team activity means that others are relying on every child to attend, and attend regularly.  And participating in too many activities will clearly mean that a scheduling conflict will some day arise, and choices will have to be made between the conflicting events.  While this is definitely a teaching tool, it is unfair to the others who are participating who are expecting everyone on their “team” to show up.  It is also unfair to put the child in this position, because clearly, the child enjoys both activities (or more), and is not being expected to show loyalty to one over the other.

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And then, as if scheduling was not impossible enough to be in more than one place at one time, there are family functions to consider.  The trick is learning to balance what is critical versus what is traditional, what is important to the child and what is important to the parent.  A child who practices for a musical performance with her peers, which will include a fun celebration afterwards, looks forward to that, and is devastated when told they will not be attending.  And it does not matter what the reason is, the child was looking forward to such an event with their friends.

We spend a lot of time as parents teaching our children to find something that they truly enjoy, a dream to build upon, reach for something that could make a difference in their lives.

It has always been my belief, that as long as it does not involve a funeral, anything that my children are involved with, comes first.  My daughters, now that they are getting older, may have a better understanding of scheduling conflicts, but that does not make their heartbreak any less, if they are told they cannot participate in something that they have been working towards for so long because of other scheduling issues.  Yes, they may be tradition, and tradition is very important.

As a parent I have always felt I had two responsibilities, providing my children with an education to provide them for life, and to provide my children with a religious foundation (no matter what religion they choose to pursue, I want them to have something).  Everything else to help them develop their sense of being.  And that needs as much attention as conflicts with traditions.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
18 Apr 2015

Thank A Survivor


The following is a speech that I just gave at a local Relay For Life event where I was being recognized as their 2015 Honorary Cancer Survivor.  I want to thank fellow survivors who helped me prepare this speech with their input and feelings that they felt should be expressed to current patients and survivors.

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I think we will all agree that 25 years of surviving cancer is a pretty big deal. But what you may find hard to believe, up until I hit this particular anniversary, I have never given myself credit for surviving cancer this long.

You see, I battle an issue called “survivor’s guilt.” Yes, that means exactly what it says. I have walked through these 25 years wondering why I have gotten to survive my cancer, while so many either do not, or face recurrences or new cancers. Do not mistake my gratitude, I have a lot to be grateful for, including two beautiful young daughters. But having gone through cancer in a time period when survival was based on a “five year survival rate” plan, I have wondered ever since “why me?”

Tonight, I finally give myself a break. And instead I ask myself, “why not me?”

It has been a long time coming to get to this realization, and it is because of our Naples Relay For Life Survivor Committee Chairwoman, Olyvia Eldridge, that I wrote this particular speech this evening. Olyvia, by showing this survivor what has been done for him, I realize that being a survivor is not just about being a visible statistic to other cancer patients and survivors. Being a survivor means supporting other patients and survivors.

So tonight, I want to draw your attention to the hundreds of cancer survivors here this evening, and by survivors, that also includes patients either just diagnosed or going through treatment. Now with a show of hands, how many have survived cancer since at least 2005?

Take a good look around you. No, take a long and lasting look. With the theme of this year’s Relay being “Wish Upon A Cure,” I have but one wish tonight. And even if you are not spending the entire night with us, you can make my wish tonight come true.

The Relay For Life is about raising funds to not only find cures for cancers, but to find better and safer treatments and follow up care. And while your role in this process is so very important, as is the scientists who look for those cures, it is the long term survivors like those of us here this evening that I would like you all to just take a few moments, and not only tell them that one day you hope to be a survivor like them, but to thank them for the care and treatments that are available to you today.

Our treatments just a couple of decades ago, were quite harsh. And as we have survived all these years later, medicine has realized something very important. That while every cancer patient just wants to be done with cancer with that final treatment, to survive cancer long term, you are not the only one who needs to take care of yourself, but doctors have recognized a need to follow patients for the rest of our lives, even for the slightest of late developing side effects, so that years after having beaten cancer, you no longer face the possibilities like myself and so many others have had to face.  Because of those of who have survived cancer for so long, protocols have been written, and rewritten, and rewritten, and doctors have expanded their medical orientation from cure to now what is going to be the quality of life for a patient in 10, 25, 50 years and beyond. Because of us, doctors will now take better care of you, following your treatment for cancer. Screenings for certain issues occur annually or longer if possible, but issues are dealt with sooner than later. And as any cancer patient knows all too well, the sooner and quicker dealt with, the better. And because we are now followed up more closely, and yes, for the rest of our lives, we actually have an advantage over the average healthy person because issues are discovered before they become symptomatic.

If you spend time with one of us this evening, getting to know what it has been like for us to live post-cancer, without the care that you will now be getting, and to understand just how important this new protocol is to you, and believe that you too, will someday be a long term cancer survivor like myself, and so many others.

This is the legacy my generations of survivors have left behind. And I have faith that you will further build upon that foundation and with the help of advances in drug and immunological research, we will all someday hear those words, “you are in remission.”

I began my life as a survivor 25 years ago. I began my support as a survivor and caregiver 25 years ago. I began my advocacy for cancer patients and survivors 7 years ago, when it became known to me, that long term survivors were having health issues that were not being followed up properly. And I became a patient advocate a little over a year ago, when a dear friend lost his life, for the lack of a simple protocol during cancer treatments with a drug known to have the potential for serious side effects.

Tonight, my team, “Michael’s March”, in memory of Michael Scheidemann will walk this year’s Relay. Each hour, I personally, will walk and dedicate an hour to a cancer patient or survivor who has had an impact on my survivorship, and will write their name on the front of this t-shirt. And I invite each and every one of you, to follow me throughout the night, and write your name on the shirt as well.

In closing, as I always do, I offer these words to you…

“As I go down the road of remission, I will keep looking in my rear view mirror to make sure that you are still following me. And if you are not on that highway, hurry up. Because once you get on that road, it’s a great ride.”

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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