Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

15 Apr 2014

Dear Mr. Franklin,…


Ben Franklin is given credit for the quote about two things in life are certain, “death and taxes”. Well, today of course is D-day for income tax filing and if you were one of the many rushing for the post offices by 6pm, I hope you made it.

For me, although as of late I have been an income tax procrastinator, today’s date means something more to me, and yes, it is the other certainty spoken of by Ben (as I used to call him as he walked the amusement park that I worked for back in 198whatever – Dorney Park), death.

You see, in the beginning of April of 2008, I made a telephone call to my family practitioner. She kind of knew who I was (only kidding, having been my physician for decades, she knew who I was, but I was a very rare visitor). I had been having an uncomfortable feeling in my chest during my workouts, mowing my lawn, and at work. It was a tightness that would only last approximately forty-five seconds to a minute, and then go away. And off I would go, continuing my workouts for the next hour and a half, mowing my lawn for two hours, or continued pushing and pulling 1000 pound pieces of equipment (it was on wheels, I am no Adonis).

But this symptom had gone on for well over four months when I made that call to my doctor. It had finally annoyed me enough to make that call. It was unusual for me to make any kind of complaint about discomfort as I have a high tolerance for pain. And it was for that reason, unbeknownst to me, that my doctor made the call herself (or her nurse) to set up a “nuclear stress test”. I had not idea what it was for. I just knew that I was to prepare for it on April 15th. I was told I would be exercising on a treadmill so I needed to have workout clothes and comfortable shoes, and definitely no caffeine.

For the second time in my life, I was being led down a path, which I did not know the direction, nor was I suspicious.

Posted in Cancer, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
15 Apr 2014

To Work Or Not Work (During Diagnosis/Treatments)


As if a cancer patient does not have enough on their minds, fighting for their lives, another reality must be faced for many, making a decision to work during the rest of their diagnostic process and treatment phases, and how soon to return to work once treatment is done.

There is no easy answer to this situation. It really depends on the individual and the working conditions that exist. For me, I knew of only one way to get myself through my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and that was to work. It is all I knew, how I was raised. If I was able to stand, I was at work.

From beginning to end, I only missed one month of work, and that was to recover from one of the diagnostic procedures that had been done, the staging laparotomy (be glad you have PET scans today). But through all of my treatments, both radiation and chemotherapy, I missed only the appointment times.

I needed to be at work, rather than sitting at home, with my mind unoccupied. But as firm as I was with that, by the end of my treatments, I had felt completely different. My work environment was extremely stressful, and to be honest, I blame my work environment for triggering my Hodgkin’s. Stress drives down your immune system. I firmly believe that. But as my treatments went on, so did the insensitivity and personal attacks by my co-workers who felt slighted, that perhaps I was being given special favors, “just because I had cancer.”

In my life, this was just the first of more than a handful of times, when I let the way I was raised, determine whether or not I would work. And though I say every time, I would have not worked during that illness, I know full well, I will be right there at the next day. My history speaks for itself.

Hodgkin’s Disease = diagnosis to end of treatments, 30 days of work missed for recovery from surgery for staging laparotomy

Heart Bypass = courtesy of late side effects from my treatments, missed 3 months of work, returned 3 months ahead of schedule to the full work load plus overtime

Septic Pneumonia = 3 days, wanted to return to work, doctor ordered me out another two weeks (not my fault I missed that time). Returned to full work schedule and overtime.

Double Pneumonia = same as above

And there are another handful of incidents, that I literally crawled into work, in extreme pain, only to be dragged out of work, to the emergency room.

Truth be told… I am a fool for subjecting myself to these kinds of efforts. But I feel a responsibility for bringing in a paycheck. But these days, my past stubbornness has brought forth its own side effects, rather aggravated the late developing side effects from my treatments. I can no longer go full tilt anymore, my body over recent years has finally rejected my “work at all costs” performance.

It is bad enough working 50-60 hours a week, and years ago operating a very successful disc jockey service. But with various looming cardiac and pulmonary issues, muscular and spinal degeneration issues, all courtesy of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and treatment side effects, I can only work at about 75% of what once used to be 125%.

There are other risk factors to have been considered with working during treatments. And this is a big one. Many treatments drive down an immune system, which of course leaves a patient susceptible to the co-workers who show up to work sneezing and coughing their germs all over.

So, I say, as always, had I to do it all over again, I would not have worked during my Hodgkin’s, or rushed to get back from my other issues. But then again, I am sure I would be right back at work.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
12 Apr 2014
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The Confluence


A confluence is an intersection where two or more objects, often times rivers, come together. In Pittsburg, there are three rivers that do this, hence the Steelers footbal stadium is called “Three Rivers Stadium.” Where these three rivers join together can be quite turbulent. Every so many winters, those of us in the northeast hear of a storm system, rather two or more systems that with the perfect timing come together to produce a super storm of major precipitation. The elements of cold weather and precipitation produce snow in feet, not inches. Another example of a confluence could be a traffic intersection. Imagine the carnage of an intersection with no traffic control, automobiles coming from four different directions, no stop signs or traffic signals. You get the idea… that these intersections can be quite chaotic, full of energy, and often create a lot of stress.

The truth is, you can walk down any street, even be standing next to a co-worker and never know the turbulence that another person is feeling, or what “confluence” they might be dealing with. Over the years, I have been known to carry so much on my shoulders. The truth be told, I thrive on it. I am not saying it is a good thing at all. Certainly it is good for those that I am trying to help, but occasionally there is collateral damage to either those around me, or even to myself.

One branch of my confluence begins with caring for my father, battling a very serious and aggressive cancer. I have always said that I am a better patient because I can deal with things that are thrown my way. But I am helpless when watching others go through their own.

Then another branch is my job. I work for a large company who “merged” several years ago, and its merger effects are beginning to be felt in the form of job reductions. My department is seeing a downsizing of ridiculous proportions and the building I work in is one of the casualties. I am fortunate on one hand, but there will be an unfortunate factor that will rise up again. I have been able to do my daily tasks with my health restrictions because I accepted a role that was within those restrictions. After ten years, I will no longer have that net under me. I will return to a position, where management will struggle with my assignments to comply with the ADA (American With Disabilities Act), and my co-workers unaware of my restrictions, will most likely return to the petty “why does Paul get away with not having to…”. This was an awful environment to work in back then, and I do not look forward to working in it again.

The most prominent though of all the branches of my confluence is my pending divorce. There are no signs of an imminent ending which is unfortunate. Both of us have clearly stated we want it over, yet both attorneys have done nothing to draw us into some stage of mediation. We continue to live in the house together until the divorce is done, though clearly by our positioning in the house, we are separated. There are not many possessions for us to split up, and really not much else to discuss, other than the most important factor, the custody of our children.

It is now eight months since I made the decision to file for divorce. And without getting into the nuts and bolts of everything, which I will continue not to discuss publicly, I will address one thing as I know there are some who are “spying” on my blog. I do not address my ex-to-be as anything less than my daughters’ mother as she is to be respected as such. My children do not hear any conversations criticizing her because I do not entertain those conversations. I am not proud of the situation I am in, but I am disappointed in the actions of some.

You see, in the middle of a wonderful weekend with my daughters, packed with all kinds of activities, one of my daughters reveals that she has overheard “mean” things about me. She was not in the room when these things were being said, but she was within earshot. I do not have any problem with anyone who wants to offer ridicule of me with the limited information they possess, but I do when it is affecting my children. I love my daughters and they love me. You cannot take that away from me, or them. But if you are one of those “spies” that I made reference to, please take this to heart, save your ridicule of me when my daughters cannot possibly hear you. If you want to hurt me, go for it. But I will not continue to let you hurt my daughters. I spend every moment with my daughters that I can, with everything I have going on, letting them know how much I love them, and doing things with them. This weekend so far has been awesome and filled with activity. They are slowly getting used to the idea what it will be like when we are no longer living in the same house, and that both of their parents will remain an active part of their lives, perhaps having double the experiences that they otherwise would have had.

As a raft drifting into the confluence of the three rivers in Pittsburgh, I am dealing with all of the various currents I am facing. Eventually, I will come out in calmer waters. I have charted my course to steer me through those currents and I will get through this.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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