Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

06 Dec 2017
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We Have Learned Nothing Since The Story Of Ryan Halligan


Every year, the school district that my children attend, invite a gentleman to give an assembly to the many schools and parents on the awareness and dangers of bullying.

John Halligan and his wife’s worst nightmares were realized when their son chose to end his life at the age of 13, in 2003, after relentless bullying, both on line, and in person.

As a child, I myself was bullied relentlessly, daily during my elementary and junior high school days.  To this day, over forty years later, I still have no idea why.  I know I was short.  Shy.  Introverted.  But I was an easy target because I was also known to not defend myself in a fight.  I had been taught to turn the other cheek and walk away.  My reward for taking the high road was usually a hit in the back of the head.  I believe the only thing in my favor, was that the internet did not exist back in the 1970’s.  Having no adults to support me, or defend me, had the internet been available, I probably would have found others in my similar situation, and they… may have had a solution for me.

In my adult life, I was involved as a youth leader with high school and middle school aged kids.  Dealing with bullying, accidental deaths, and of course suicide was not an uncommon situation.  Someone in my group would always know someone who was battling a difficult situation.  It is a shame, since the day I started college, and wrote my first piece on teenage suicide in America, things have not gotten better in over 30 years, which I definitely attribute to the internet and social media.

I got to meet Mr. Halligan several years ago, when I was campaigning for school board of my children’s school district.  One of my campaign issues was safe schools, definitely an anti-bullying platform.  Ironically, the current school board was often used as an example of bullying for tactics used during meetings.  At the same time, I volunteered as a parent rep for a pilot program, called Olweus which was a multi-level bully prevention program.  This program would consist of several layers from staff to parents, and several steps to handle bullying as close to when it starts as possible, even prevention.

For the year that it started, there was a lot of excitement for the Olweus anti-bullying program.  But there was also a lot of work, expenses, and cynicism.  Teachers already had a lot on their plates between lessons and testing as well as other support they provided for their students.  In order for the program to be successful, that meant that all the elements of the program needed to be kept up to date, and that would cost money.  And the cynics would play their part, the only purpose of the anti-bullying program was for the district to look like it was trying to do something.    Now, the program is gone in less than four years.

My daughters have another five years of school left.  And I am sure bullying will not go away on its own, just as I sure that school districts will continue to turn the other cheek, protect the rights of the bully over the rights of the victim.  Yes, both are entitled to a safe and free education, but that does not give the right to ignore the horrendous and terrifying bullying that millions of children must put up with.

Even when a parent tries to do something on their own to prove bullying is occurring, such as Sarah Sims of Norfolk, VA, who actually placed a recording device in her elementary school-aged daughter’s backpack, to capture proof of the bullying.  Unfortunately, the device was not able to do so, which it most certainly would have, because it was confiscated by the school.  And not only was it taken away, but then the mother was charged by police with a felony, (punishable up to 5 years in prison) for intercepting wire, electronic or oral communications, along with… get this… contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  THE MOTHER WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HER DAUGHTER!!!!  The charges have since been dropped.  But this is a glaring example of how school districts lack any balls to protect the victims of bullying over concerns of lawsuits by parents of the perpetrators.  School districts do not want proof of bullying, so that they can claim it is not an issue in their school.  Two other students over the last few weeks ended up with similar and tragic conclusions.*

Bullies of 13 year-old Rosalie Avila of California evidently feel that it was not enough to drive the child to suicide, but continue to harass the family of Rosalie with such an ugly post, “‘Hey mom. Next time don’t tuck me in this,’  (a bed). ‘Tuck me in THIS,’ (a grave).  Her diary pointed to endless ridicule about her appearance.  As of this posting, Rosalie remains on life support.  The bullies… remain in school.*

Ashawnty Davis was a 10 year-old 5th grader in an elementary school in Colorado.  She hung herself.  She chose to confront her bully, which resulted in a fight, which was videoed, then shared on social media.  Of course the school district made sure they were in the clear, stating that the fight did not occur during school hours.  Great, glad to know that you (the school district) did all you could to prevent this tragedy from happening.*

Bullying has gone on from decades.  Through my entire elementary and junior high school education, I was bullied.  To this day, I still do not know why.  As a candidate for school board, one of my top priorities was to take bullying in school head on.  And the attitudes of school districts continue, both bully and victim have a right to education.

How many more children will die because no one wants to take responsibility for their roles, schools and parents?  And if bullying is going to be treated as a right to the perpetrator, then what can be done for the rights of the victim?

Here is what you can do in the mean time.  If your child is bullied, report it to the police.  It is then dealt with as a civil matter, not a school matter.  And then, the bully, and their parents, will still have their rights to education, but will also be held accountable for taking away the rights of another student just trying to learn.

*these paragraphs were documented from the web site “The Raw Story”, though they were also available on numerous other web sites as well.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
30 Nov 2017

When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot


Like many Americans, I was shocked to hear the news about a prominent broadcaster being accused of sexual harassment.  This seems to be a wave that is growing into a tsunami as more and more popular figures are exposed by accusers from actors and producers, to newscasters, and politicians.  This is not the first time we have had to deal with sexual deviants in the national news as it was all to common to hear not so long ago about the local sectors of public servants such as teachers and clergy.

As a child, my “manhood” was not realized until the television show “I Dream Of Jeannie” came along.  I am not saying that I turned into a crazed dog in heat because of the show, but it was during the show that I finally began to realize that there was a physical difference between genders.  But at no time did I ever “feel” differently.  The show to me was nothing more than about an astronaut who finds a Jeannie in a bottle, and the slapstick and mayhem begins.

Growing up in a house of women (grandmother, great aunt, mother, and sister), with no other men in the house, I am a bit more sensitive when it comes to respecting women, because that is what I was taught.  With my parents divorced, I missed the traditional father/son sitdown chats, or “sharing” Playboys that sometimes occurred.  As I began to date, and eventually marry, I always treated my significant other with the respect I was taught.

For the second time in less than a month, I watched members of a popular news show, discuss their feelings as to the revelations, that they were shocked to hear such horrific accusation about someone they felt  as a close friend and fellow colleague.  They struggled with their emotions to somehow find a way to accept the sexual harassment claims to be tied to some sort of physical or mental illness, something, something to say, this was not the man they knew.

In the work force, you spend a lot of time with your co-workers.  Friendships do develop, and sometimes, between consenting adults, other relationships develop.  But one thing is clear, harassment and assault are not acceptable anywhere.  I remember the whole sexual harassment conversation beginning with the appointment of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and sexual harassment accuser Anita Hill.  At that time, what it appeared to mean, at least in the work place, no more dirty jokes.  It did not matter if both genders participated in telling raunchy jokes, it needed to stop in the event that someone within ear shot, might possibly be offended.  But a few years later, I found myself in a situation very similar to the cast of the Today Show.

I had been serving on a Church Council with eleven others.  It was a Sunday night when I received a telephone call insisting that I attend an emergency council meeting that evening.  All members were required to attend.  No details were given.

As we all arrived, also seated at the table were both ministers, but also a regional bishop, very unusual for a church council meeting.  There was no easy way to hit us with the news we were told.  One of the ministers present, had been accused of having sex with a 16 year old girl while he resided in Germany.  The minister explained as much as he could, including a possible reason why this had come up, years after it had occurred.  He had been planning a trip back to Germany, with our youth choir, and the girl, now woman, found out, and decided to contact our church.

All of us sat around the table stunned.  The minister was quite popular, and in fact had rejuvenated an energy level in the church, not seen in quite some time.  Personally, he was a good friend to me as I struggled with my faith, having previously been diagnosed with cancer.  The other minister had no time for me, this minister did.  I knew his wife and had both of his children in the youth group that I led.  As the meeting continued, I found myself not so much concerned about what had happened in the past, but confused about what made no sense about a man I thought I knew.    But also, what about his future.  The bishop was in attendance because he was urging the council to take action to terminate the employment of the minister.  Always outspoken, I immediately challenged the bishop, expressing that the minister had admitted his wrongdoing, dealt with his family, and seemed genuine in his remorse.  The bishop was firm.  I went further as to why “rehabilitation” was not being considered as would be in the case of a minister with a gambling or alcohol problem, and the bishop made the mistake of saying “victims of sexual abuse are not as severe as those of alcohol.”  I was watching my friend, and his life, being destroyed.  And then, just as is still often done today, I tried to argue justification, or as it is called today, “victim shaming.”  I argued that the culture in Germany (and Europe) was not as uptight as here in the US, and that needed to be considered.  I was standing by my friend as he had stood by me in my time of need, as I believed he had turned his life around.

I am not really sure what happened, eventually we would part ways.  I was pivotal in getting him employment elsewhere, but then about a year later, he became distant, and our friendship appeared to have ended.

Why did I just tell this story?  Because as I watched both CBS, and NBC broadcasters struggle publicly with their feelings about someone close to them, being accused of sexual harassment or abuse, I remembered what happened so many years ago with that church council meeting.

But my feeling are much different now.  And I am ashamed that it took this reason for me to feel differently.  As the news interviews so many witnesses or opinion generators about the accused, especially men seem in unison, echoing that had it been their daughters being the victims, there would be hell to pay.  And it hit me.  I do have two daughters now, which I did not back at that council meeting.  I now have to have conversations with my daughters how to prevent being placed in a compromising position that would put them at risk.  And because they are children, I have assured them, that they are never to believe if someone tells them that either of their parents “will get hurt” if they tell anyone if someone tries to make them do something.  I have told them it is never okay for anyone to touch them inappropriately.  I have taught them, if it feels wrong, it is wrong.

I was raised to respect women.  And at one time,  I was blinded by a friendship as to accepting the horrible acts against a young girl by a person with power.

In recent weeks, several entertainers have faced accusations, as have producers, and politicians.  For me, I see the same problem still exists that existed years ago.  Deny.  Blame and shame the victim.  Hope it goes away.  Very rarely do we hear about members of the clergy in sex scandals, but it still happens.  The same with some teachers and students.  But now the spotlight is on the popular.  But just as those who are lower in popularity, all we hear is denials.  Those lower in popularity however, normally face legal consequences.  Not so much for the famous.  Especially not for the political world.

I can respect someone who has admitted what they have done wrong.  And even respect those seeking help.  But there is no respect for someone who denies what they have done, knowing full well there would be no legal consequences due to statutes of limitation.  From Bill Cosby to Louis CK, to Kevin Spacey, I no longer watch or listen to their works.  And the same goes for producers and directors.  At least Louis CK admitted his accusations.  Our government has many of the predators, and nearly all of them deny, deny, deny.  Again, only one has really come out and admitted anything, Al Franken.  Again, I respected and admired all the good that he had been doing in our government.  But not at the price of those who were victims of abuse of power.

And that is what it is.  An abuse of power.  The stories coming from NBC, which by the way, previously dealt with a prominent sportscaster and his perversions years ago and NBC obviously did not learn anything, are horrific.

For whatever reason, the political world has no ramifications, even with overwhelming and credible witnesses, even actual video and audio evidence.  Everyone who commits these acts, needs to be held accountable, and that includes those that represent us, including the president.  Even his own words have had no consequence.  No one has the right to treat anyone in this horrific manner.

I once worked for a major company, and we had annual “sensitivity” training.  But that is all it was, an annual seat at a computer station.  We gave the answers that the company needed to hear.

Peoples lives are and have been destroyed by sexual harassment.  Of course there is the family of the predator, but the victims who felt all they could do to survive would be to remain silent.  And those who did not remain silent, lost everything along with their job.

We need to take this seriously.  Yes, I feel differently.  And admittedly, it is because I have two daughters and I do not want them to have to deal with this in their adulthood.  I just wish I had felt this strongly back when I had to deal with it.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Inspired By..., Politics | Leave a comment
24 Oct 2017

We Must Fight Against Racism And Bigotry


A fried of mine posted something on her Facebook wall this morning, which struck a personal tone with me.  I asked her if she would mind if I shared her words on my blog.  As you read through her thoughts today, you will understand why this is so important.

I am keeping my friend anonymous, though I will tell you, she is a very strong person, inside and out.  She has no problem speaking her mind.  She is a fellow Hodgkin’s survivor like me, so I will tell you, she knows how to fight.  She is also Chinese, a mother, and a wife.  She is also a citizen of the United States.

“The first time I was called a Chink.

I didn’t even know I was called that until couple of years later – after I had learned enough English to really comprehend what had transpired.

It happened when I was 12.5 years old. I had just immigrated to the US weeks earlier with my parents and brother. I didn’t know a lick of English, not even the letters of the alphabet. One day during recess, a white girl in my 6th grade class gave me a folded written note and snickered while putti…ng it in my hand. A white boy nearby gave her a puzzled and then disgusted look; I guess he knew what she is and what she was capable of doing. I vividly remember both of their facial expressions from that day.

Naively, I took the folded up paper and kept it, thinking it was a gesture of friendliness. I wanted to keep it and read it when I have learned some English.

Months and years went by before I came upon the box of folded up notes from various classmates. I grew sad when reading that white girl’s note, the sadness turned into a mix of sadness, confusion, and anger.

She had the guts to sign her name on the note, to make sure I knew it was from her. We were now in middle school, and she was now BFF with someone who I considered a very good friend. I told this other white friend about the note, but she brushed it aside and said something to the effect of “she was young and probably didn’t mean to say that, and probably didn’t mean anything by it.”

Whether Sarah McF. meant it or not, she did write the note and called me that racial epithet, and I hold her responsible.”

My heart broke for my friend.  I thought back to my childhood, and how, even though I am Caucasian, I also happen to have “almond eyes” which is a common trait among the Asian population.  All through elementary school, I had been called “chink” because of my Chinese appearance.  And I knew the kids were being malicious about it.

But as a parent, when I made the decision to adopt, and chose China, there were preparations and education to be completed to help adjust to life as a bi-racial family.  For the most part, given the school district I lived in, which happened to be so diverse, I thought the issue of race would only come up as an adult for her, in regard to dating, if at all.

Instead, one afternoon, my daughter, age 10 at the time, exited the bus and told me that the bus driver wanted to talk to me.  He told me that my daughter had given a boy a bloody nose.  The driver also acknowledged that everything had been resolved.  Though I had several concerns.

I had been campaigning for school board, and one of my platforms was dealing with bullying.  Though my wife (at the time) objected, I insisted that steps had to be followed through with the school, and if necessary, discipline to be administered, for what had happened.  Yes, I was selling out my daughter.  But I was not about to be a hypocrite and definitely not a “not my kid” parent.  What she did was wrong.  That is, until I heard from her, why it happened.

Both of my daughters are of Chinese ethnicity, and they are proud of their heritage.  And on that particular day, a mean-spirited boy, decided to make a negative comment about China to my daughter, and she let him have it with a closed straight fist to the nose.

As a former victim of bullying in school myself, I have always told my daughters that I will always stand behind them if they defend themselves, no matter how.  They are forbidden from striking the first blow or insult.  But they may respond however they see fit and I will stand by them.

We are in 2017, not the 1950’s.  And having been born in the 1960’s, I have no problem saying that anyone from my generation, if they use bigoted language or participate in any form of racial acts of hatred, it is because they have been taught.  Perhaps my parents’ generation may have been exposed enough to the racial hatred to have accepted that way of life, but no one, no one from my generation should be accepting of that behavior.

Yet, here we are, in 2017, and racism and bigotry is still going strong.  And while the current government administration is not helping, and quite possible enabling the increase of racial tensions, the fact is, racism and bigotry has been around for decades no matter who has been in government.  But definitely what does not help, is enacting laws that are based solely on ethnicity, especially as one being pursued that is part of a ban of a certain culture, but written in such a way that it affects “naturalized” citizens – in other words, children born elsewhere, but citizens of the United States, like my daughters.  A law such as was attempted to be enacted recently, definitely would have had a negative impact on bringing our country together, and in fact, making our citizens of various cultures, at an increased risk of harassment, discrimination, and bigotry.

Comedian Dennis Leary quipped, ““Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.”

I was hoping for better as we continued into the 21st century, instead we are going backward.  We are going backward because many believe that they now have a legitimacy having been given a voice.  We are going backward because so many still do not take a stand against racism.  We are going backward because this behavior is being accepted.

The fact is, whether it happened to people back then, or happens to them now, these verbal and physical wounds last forever.  They have a permanent impact on people.  We, the United States, are better than that.

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics | Leave a comment

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