Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

Pushing The Button Of A Health Advocate


Ironically, I was actually writing a different post about advocacy when this happened today.

Yesterday was a day that many of us were watching, a hearing involving a whistle blower complaint, pertaining to issues related to the handling of the Covid19 crisis.  Now, because my post is seriously not going to have anything to do with the hearing or politics itself, I still need to make at least some reference to it.  But as you will see, what I am discussing is not a limited type of behavior.

So during the hearing, one US Representative, Mullin, pictured on the left, resembling a cross  between Triple H of the World Wresting Entertainment (WWE) and another jacked-up angry US Senator Jim Jordan, questioned the complainant, pictured on the right, Dr. Richard Bright.  But instead of asking questions pertaining to the complaint or at the least going for a conspiracy approach of being a bitter employee or anti-president, like representatives on both sides of the aisle were doing, this Hulkablowhard went for straight character assassination.  This is the problem that I have.  And it fired up the advocate in me, because what happened was just plain wrong.  And it has nothing to do with politics.  Mullin was nothing less than a monstrous asshole for the way that he displayed himself.

In going after Dr. Bright, he began questioning his current work status, then his payroll status, then his health status.  What did this have to do with Dr. Bright’s whistle blower complaint?  Absolutely nothing.  It was a straight up attempt to assassinate the character of someone.

What position was the doctor currently in?  What is his current attendance status?  Questioning the transition of sick time to vacation time?  The doctor’s payroll status?  Health issues of the doctor?  And then the biggest insult, and one that should forever label Mullin as the ultimate scum, implying the doctor’s health was too ill to get to work, but not to testify before Congress.  Not one question about the actual complaint or anything about the current crisis and any role the doctor may have had.

It is clear what Mullin was trying to do.  I have seen it many times over my years as an advocate.  Pain in the ass does something wrong, gets punished, but does not cower like a beaten dog in remorse, resulting in an even stiffer penalty.  Employee defends himself, perfectly as the employee has done nothing wrong other than to draw the ire of a superior who wants things done differently.  Then the attacks become more about the individual, and not the work history, or even the incident itself.  We have all likely been there.  And we cannot help but want to stand up and cheer on the victim of this bullying.

Years ago, I was a union shop steward for a major company.  For those unfamiliar, the shop steward is representative for the union member, somewhat like a lawyer, there to defend the employee with a bargaining unit contract, regardless of the infraction.  How hard are supervisors driven to “get” employees?  It all depends on how much you have irritated that supervisor.  A friend and former co-worker used to describe me as “an asshole.”  But followed it up with this comment, “but you know what?  You are a stand-up guy.  You stand by what you say, and you support everyone equally whether you get along with them or not.  You do your job as a steward and no one can ever question that.”

One incident involved a co-worker who was out sick.  Having only one car, and needing to go to the doctor later in the day, she dropped off her husband at work, then dropped her children off at school.  But, instead of going straight home, get this, you might want to sit down for this, she pulled into a Dunkin Donuts to get a cup of coffee.  She was spotted by one of our supervisors.  I felt we should have notified Graterford Prison to alert them of a new inmate coming for the crime that had just been committed.  Management did not appreciate my cavalier attitude any more than I appreciated wasting my time having to defend someone who claimed to be sick, and being sick, should have not been drinking coffee.

Another incident involved another co-worker, that I had represented through the various grievance steps, only to be removed, um… deterred by supervision and made unavailable to attend the final grievance meeting, leaving someone else to attend in my place.  I had been successful up to that point in protecting the employee, and clearly, management was really intent on making an example, and not at their expense.  I made the decision that I would use personal time, that I could not be denied, and then attend that meeting after all.  At the door, I was denied entry, stating that I was not on company time, therefore ineligible to attend.  After a lengthy protest, company and union officials went back inside to discuss the situation that I had presented in my insistence.  Ironically, or strategically, this went on for over an hour.  The attempt was to get me to spend and waste the personal time that I had taken, now expiring.  Obviously underestimating my morals, I requested additional personal time, clearly willing to spend it all if I had to, to defend this employee, which now clearly, I knew, a fight I was winning.

Personally speaking, following my open heart surgery back in 2008, after spending a week in the hospital, I was sent home under strict recovery orders.  One of which, was to make sure that I took some walks, not faced paced, but just for the point of keeping my body moving, not to mention that getting outside, would help keep my spirits up.  During that first week, I probably did not walk more than a hundred yards, but it was a long a busy street, a street that many of my co-workers traveled to get to work.  Yep, you guessed it.  My phone began to ring from both ally co-workers, and one supervisor who looked out for me.  I was being warned that I “look great” after being spotted walking and that “there was no reason he should not be back at work.”

Now, forget the fact that less than ten days prior, I had my breast bone cracked open and a major heart surgery performed on the heart.  Anyone who has ever suffered a broken bone, know, bones do not heal overnight, usually requiring a cast, which clearly they cannot put on a person who has had heart surgery.  But evidently, all of these passersby had enough medical knowledge, and about me, to determine my work status.  Of course, that set off a whole other set of challenges, as my doctor had ordered me out of work for six months to allow the bone to heal, compromised by the very thing that caused the need for the surgery in the first place, radiation damage would hinder control.  I now had my employer insisting on their own surveillance of my recovery which they insisted on my doctors seeing me weekly, though my doctors stated they had only intended to follow me up in three month periods.  Definitely a waste of my cardiologist’s time that he could have been seeing other patients, my status never changed, and I would still remain out for the recovery plan as prescribed by my doctor.

So of course, when I saw this jackass from Oklahoma attack, and that was what it was, attack Dr. Bright, my advocate bat signal went full blast.  But of course he has a team of people looking out for him.  Clearly Mullin violated Dr. Bright’s HIPPA rights, not necessarily as the doctor, but in continuing to express Dr. Bright’s personal health publicly.  And he should face repercussions for that.  It should also be noted, Mullin is not a doctor, but a plumber.  Yet Mullin felt qualified to interpret and explain the impact of hypertension, even if spontaneous and the dangers posed when not managed.

We are dealing with a very serious crisis right now.  And dealing with anything other than science and facts is only adding to the complications and wasting time bringing an end to this pandemic.  What Mullin did was a travesty and embarrassment to himself, our government, and the people of Oklahoma.

Human Lives Are Not Percentages


This is when many now realize that learning algebra and other math formulas was important back in school.

Because of Covid19, and regardless of which side of the concern you are on, both want to rely on numbers.  One side relies on a percentage, the other, actual numbers.  Is it really a big deal?  Or is it more “you say ‘potayto’ and I say ‘potahto’?”

This morning I watched our local community channel as the county commissioners were discussing business to “re-opening” our area, of course, once approved by the governor.

For me, I do not pay much attention to percentages unless, UNLESS there is substantial input, a.k.a data, to have a reliable result.  Unfortunately, during this crisis, both sides want to emphasize their case, but only one is able to provide the substantial proof.

Actual numbers provided by the CDC, WHO, Johns Hopkins, etc. are reliable.  They are not identical, but close in range.  These numbers are fact.  They are documented.

Percentages at this time, are not fact.  Because facts are still being gathered.  Here is my case in point.

When the county commissioner meeting got to the public commentary, this is when things got scary.  It is hard enough listening to skewed “personal agendas” of politicians, claiming to have professional knowledge, but then you have the local population, claiming to have more.  Unfortunately, I could not grab my pen quick enough, or my phone to record her portion of her commentary, but this was the gist of her comments.

Our county has roughly 300,000 people, of course not including snowbirds.  She claimed that our county only had a percentage of .2% when it came to cases of Covid19.  That means something like roughly 500 cases for our county, which sounds about right to my memory.  That sounds fantastic!  Not even a quarter of a percent.  But the speaker did not qualify her math.  You see, factually, our area had only tested roughly 5000 cases, or in her terms, 1.75% of our county had been tested.  How can you possibly take a stat like that seriously, as opposed to an actual death count of 16 people in our county?

Just as a reminder…

Using her logic, only 1.5% of our country’s population (over 330 million) have been tested, but the actual number of human lives recorded is well over a million now.    The current death rate based only on those tested and confirmed is 5.7%, over 57,000 human lives.  Let’s not forget the important number, the recovery number.  So out of the million cases, just under 200,000 cases have been closed.  So, out of those cases, you cannot include the 800,000 unresolved because that is not “recovered” or “deceased,” approximately 140,000 have recovered, or 71%.  I assume for this example is when people would want to use the actual human number because it looks bigger and better than the average “C”grade in school of 71%.  Of course, the flip side of this number… an actual death rate of closed cases of 29%, or 57,000 human lives dead.

Okay, give these people a break, they are just looking for unicorns and rainbows to make Covid19 go away.  Alright, enough with the scary numbers for death.  If we take the death percentage of total cases, it drops the death rate to 5.7%.  Aw shit, that is still 57,000 dead.  There is just no getting around that actual number.

Why am I grinding so hard about percentages?  It actually started long before Covid19.  In 1988, when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I was told the cure rate was 86%, very good by cancer survival stats.  That was based on lots and lots of data.

But, there was a chemotherapy drug that I was given, that had a 5% chance of causing heart damage.  Combined with radiation damage, I made it into that 5% group.  Fortunately, the majority of my heart issues have been repairable.

Not so for one of my fellow survivors, and one of my youngest survivors.  He also fell into that 5% category.  By the time they found out however, it was too late.  The damage was irreparable.

I am prone to bend the ears of my doctors who deal with the late side effects that I must deal with, and in spite of having the technology available, that could have reduced the chances of this survivor losing his life, unlike thirty years prior for me, this technology was not used.  He died.

I asked “why would he not have been given the simple ultrasound that would have caught the damage before it had gotten too bad?”  Now, I love my doctors, and they are very empathetic with their patients, and I was not asking him as a patient, but as an advocate.  The answer?  “It is not cost effective to run that test on every Hodgkin’s patient.”  A price of an echo can range starting from $200 on up.  Not cost effective?  There are approximately 9000 new cases each year, meaning if this medicine was used to treat all 9000, which it wouldn’t be anyway because of different concerns, costs to use this technology as a preventative tool would be under a half million dollars easily.  What it actually cost to save this survivor’s life, which it failed to do?  Close to $2,000,000.  Again, explain to me the phrase “not cost effective.”

It would have been better just to say, “it is not a high enough percentage to be concerned about.”  It still happens though, no matter how low the percentage is.  He still died.  He was one of those 5% that had that extreme side effect.  He had a family.  He had a bright future ahead after having gotten to remission.

And that is why I cannot accept attempts by anyone to throw percentage numbers at me when they do not even include a majority of data to come to that estimation.  But most certainly I cannot accept percentages when they take away the recognition of a human life lost.  And by saying only .2% of a local population is no reason to be concerned, you dismiss the 57,000 lives and the families left behind.

It is time for everyone to start taking this virus seriously.

Corona And Child Custody


***Disclaimer for my trolls… This post has no relation to my own custody case or my children.  Any similarities are definitely unintentional.

One thing “staying at home” is doing, is providing me more time to research, write, and respond.

A reader asked me to clarify, or go into more detail, as to the situation of custody in a medical crisis such as our country is currently dealing with.  I gave a short answer, one that is shared on legal web sites all over – that an illness does not prevent a parent from being a parent.  In other words, if you have a custody order in place, follow it.  Because that is exactly how a judge would enforce a custody issue or rule on contempt.

First, my position.  As an adult child of a divorce, and as a parent involved with divorce and issues of custody and visitation, I am always going to be an advocate for the child first.  I know what it is like to have grown up in that environment, and I know what I must do to avoid repeating those issues in my own situation.

So the next thing to understand, there are two types of parenting following a divorce:  co-parents and combative parents with agendas.

It is very easy to recognize the co-parents, because they would not worry about the issue of how to handle a custody or visitation during a crisis such as this pandemic.  Both parents would recognize the importance of assessing risk of exposure and cross-contamination, support each other’s abilities to care for the child(ren) – something that was never a disputed issue during the marriage either, and then of course, recognizing the natural need for the child to be in both parents lives.  Both parents will cooperate in sharing communications and updates as to the health of the child(ren) as well as sharing records so that both parents are informed.  In other words, the parents act as if the parents did not divorce.  As I have always said, and even told my children, parents do not divorce, only the husband and wife divorce.

Combative parenting is an entire different issue, and with more states recognizing the importance of shared parenting, often a custodial parent is likely to use an emergency situation as an attempt to justify violating a custody order, agreed by both parents, and ordered and signed by a judge.  The long short of this argument, and supported by case examples and family law attorneys, barring a child being hospitalized or that critically ill, the child(ren) can and should be cared for by both children.

It sounds simple enough really, “best interest of the child.”  But unfortunately it is not that simple.  A spouse who is so bitter, lasting into years, even decades after a divorce, often resorts to “violating” a custody order – denying a non-custodial parent the ability to have physical custody.  Intentional or subconsciously, a custodial parent decides  either that they feel in the right to make decisions on visitations, or perhaps sees opportunities to use the child(ren) as a weapon to intentionally cause emotional hurt towards the non-custodial parent.  Of course, this behavior is not only wrong, not only offensive, but hurts the children the most, not the intended target.

The only remedy for a non-custodial parent to deal with a custody violation, is to file a contempt complaint.  Parents need to remember, both sign this agreement, and the judge orders it and signs it.  There is no contesting what is written, it is black and white.  If there is a problem with it, then there is an opportunity to modify the agreement, but, in order to do that, there must be either a mutual agreement to modify it, or substantial issues being addressed to be corrected by the modification.  Otherwise, a custody violation contempt charge because “a child was sick” will be upheld.

Again, using this Corona virus crisis as an example, if the child does not have the virus, the child has the right, and must be allowed to see both parents.  If the child, or the non-custodial parent has the virus, common sense for what is best for the child and/or parent should prevail without requiring legal intervention.  That is what co-parenting looks like.

Of course geographical location may play a role in the decisions of custody exchanges, but again, cooler and responsible heads should prevail with common sense.  Obviously, if both parents live in close proximity to each other, allowing car travel between homes, there should be no issue with exchanges.  And even if the child were to have the virus, and the non-custodial parent would not, the situation still requires a decision based on the best interests of the child (keeping in mind both parents are able to take care of their sick child as they did when they were married), and then, exposure risk of the non-infected non-custodial parent.  But again, it is a no-brainer, you make the best decision, not a selfish one.

In the event, long distance travel is required, this is a totally different issue, but again, requires communication between both parents.  Using this crisis as the example, what is the virus exposure with the custodial parent, and with the non-custodial parent?  What are transportation risks (such as air or train)?

And then of course, there is also one other major factor to consider, as pointed out, any pre-existing condition that would complicate exposure to or infection of the virus.  I have often written about my exposure risks.  And even when I was married to their mother, I had to have a plan in place, in the event that either of my children would come home from school, “carrying” something home, like chicken pox, flu, strep or any other infection.  Even though I had been vaccinated long ago for these things, as had been my children, not having a spleen makes me super susceptible to any infection, and depending on the illness, could be fatal for me.  And for that reason, I had to have a plan if we received a note from school, that another student had a contagious health problem.

Ok trolls, you are on.  I am talking about my children now.

I have not seen my daughters since February.  I had plans to see them for the birthdays, and Easter break as our custody agreement states.  But given where my daughters reside, and where I reside, flying is our mode of transport.  We all live in areas dealing with this virus.  But with my health issues, I had to make the difficult decision, to postpone visitation plans, which my daughters understand, because they know my health background.  They have witnessed me be rolled out of my home at 4am into an ambulance, and hooked up to all kinds of machines and tubes.  They know my risk.  I am lucky.  I still have various means to communicate with my daughters, especially video.

My hopes are, that within a couple of months, this situation will be under control.  I am only listening to the experts, in other words doctors, as I have been nothing but disappointed in nearly every politician who has either blown off the concern, or skewed facts and decisions.

I want my daughters to stay safe.  I want to stay safe.  I have a custody order.  A custody order is an agreement, but when both parents can agree that an exception needs to be made, and is in the best interest, it can be done without the need of a judge to get involved.

For more information, I would refer you to the website for Fathers For Equal Rights (and I would apologize because custody issues affect both fathers and mothers, so this situation is gender neutral, and the information listed on this page applies to both parents).

Fathers4kids.com, go under the “visitation” tab, and refer to “visitation rules and guidelines.”

Or, you can just do the co-parenting thing, the right thing, and not worry about wasting all the time being combative.

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