Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

23 Mar 2015
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The Beauty Of Surviving Cancer


Yesterday afternoon, I gave a cancer survivor speech I titled “The Beauty Of Surviving Cancer” for a special Garden Party filled with cancer survivors.  The speech is actually a continuation of the speech that I gave a few weeks ago.  You can find that transcript on March 10 in the archives under the title “Defeating Cancer As A Team.”

Below is the transcript of my speech “The Beauty Of Surviving Cancer.”

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“I could not think of a better place to be celebrating the beauty of cancer survivorship than here, at this event at Moorings Park. That’s right, I said, the beauty of cancer survivorship.

From the moment we hear the words, “you have cancer,” it is all we can think about. “I want to survive.” And we trust everyone involved with our care, to make sure that it happens. A beautiful sentence, “I want to survive.” The ultimate fist-shaking of defiance at something so ugly.

The time from diagnosis to treatment, to hearing the beautiful words, “you are in remission,” seem to take forever. But nothing is more beautiful than remission being forever.

I am still young to be thinking about forever. But I have been in remission of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma for over 25 years. And that, is a beautiful thing.

I got the phone call while sitting at my desk at work. It was kind of ironic because although I had hoped to share the news that I was anticipating with my family, it was my employer who first heard that I was diagnosed with cancer, and he would be the first to find out, that I was in remission. I recognized the telephone number in the caller ID as my oncologist. And although I was expecting the call, and was quite excited to get great news, I actually froze at first, thinking about the what-ifs. And then I answered the phone, and I heard, “you are in remission Paul.” Beautiful. Again I found myself in a frozen state with my left arm whose hand was holding phone, slowly falling from my ear. I did it. I should be doing backflips. This was great news. And then the wave of emotions crashed over me. I did do it. I beat cancer. It took everything I had, but I did it!

Just then, right on cue, my boss came out of his office, not that he was eavesdropping, but seeing the reaction on my face, he knew right then and there, the phone call that I got, and that it was good news. And I thanked him for being there from the beginning to the end of this process.

Since then, I have enjoyed nothing less than the beauty of surviving cancer.

I have the beauty of celebrating a new birthday every year. While my birth certificate states my birthday as being December 19, 196… in reality, I recognize my new birthday as March 3, 1990 which meant that I just turned 25 years old.

I want to tell you about the beauty of progress in the world of cancer. Yes, we still have a long way to go, but in just 25 years, which nearly everyone present has been alive in their lifetime, diagnostics, treatments, follow up care, and survival rates have improved. Think about all the people before us who witnessed the discovery of the lightbulb, the toaster, and a cure for polio, in our lifetime, you have been witness to progress in the battle against cancer. In just 25 years, most of the methods used to diagnose my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma are no longer used. In just 25 years, the toxic and horrific treatments I was subjected are no longer used. And twenty five years later, I am still here to see even newer progress being made. And that is beautiful.

The beauty of cancer survivorship is getting to experience so many things that at one time, cancer patients would have never had the opportunity to experience.

There has been the beauty of parenthood. I was told that I could never become a parent because the chemotherapy treatments that I had, left me unable to have biological children. But just as all good things come to those who wait, I became a father not once, but twice, to two beautiful little girls, that only half-way through my survivorship, I was able to adopt my daughters and become the father I had always wanted to be.

I had a wonderful fur friend for nearly fifteen years of my survivorship, a golden retriever named Pollo, or as many knew him, as the “happy Golden” because of a smile that never left his face, and his tail that would just not stop wagging.

I made it a point that I was finally going to make sure that life counted. If I wanted something, or wanted to do something, or go somewhere, I was going to make it happen. It may not have been easy, but neither was fighting cancer. But I did that. I have gotten travel to beautiful places, and I currently live in a place nicknamed “Paradise”, Naples.

Another beauty of survivorship is meeting other survivors. And over my last 25 years, I have met hundreds and hundreds of other survivors. But as the Relay Survivor Committee has stated, a cancer patient is a survivor from the moment they are diagnosed. And as I wrote this speech, I thought about that concept. Because to be a survivor of anything, I feel “surviving” implies that you took on a fight. And while the circumstances may be different from what we refer to as a “surviving” event such as a natural disaster or travel accident, surviving a deadly disease is not any different. From the moment it occurs, we want to survive.

I have two examples that have made me a believer in the committee’s statement. The first, is a young man, who proclaimed to his mother and I, even before his treatments were finished, “I am going to be a cancer survivor”. Second, when told of his terminal prognosis, the doctors asked my father if there was anything that they could do for him, my father responded, “I just want to be a survivor like my son”. He still wanted to fight. Though their circumstances did not end as we would typically describe being a survivor, Michael, and Dad, both of you were survivors clearly not only in my eyes, but in others as well.

Then finally, there is the beauty of being a part of the state of Florida’s largest Relay For Life. Over twenty-five years, I have participated in many Relays, as well as spoken at many more. And I must admit, there is both beauty and excitement to be a part of something so special. And over twenty-five years to see how far we have come, and to hear encouraging news of just how close we have come to finding even more cures for cancer, that, is the beauty of cancer survivorship.

I will wrap up with a quote that I use frequently through various support web sites that I am involved with:

“As I drive on the road of remission, I will keep looking in my rear view mirror to make sure that you are still following me. And if for some reason, you are not on that road yet, hurry up and get on that highway. It’s a great ride once you hit the road.”

Posted in Adoption, Animals, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
15 Mar 2015

The Importance Of Heritage


In a rare moment for me of just kicking back and relaxing, I put the television on.  As I flipped through the channels I came across National Geographic’s Wild channel.  Programming most of this afternoon is geared towards China and the world that most people are unaware of beyond the smog and politics.

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Admittedly, I was not born with this interest in the largest country of the world.  But almost twelve years ago, I had to make up for my lack of interest in learning about China during high school in very short time.  Of course, both of my daughters are adopted from China.  I will leave the back story to other posts that I have written or will write.

I have always made it a point from the moment the decision was made to adopt from China, that my daughters’ heritage would be adopted as well.  I never had any intention of hiding the fact that from appearance, clearly you could see that we were not biologically related.  Although there has been the never-ending joke that my daughters have my eyes at least, making reference to the fact that I do not have what the Asians call the round “round eye” of Caucasians, rather my eyes are more “almond” shaped as is the characteristic of Asians.  Ironically, my elementary school classmates were the first to point out this characteristic to me.

One of the things that impressed me most about the Asian population, is their commitment to traditions, something we as Americans rarely commit to any.  Customs, traditions, expectations, are all just that, expected.  I believe this helps the Chinese people to be such a “peaceful” and more content population.

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I have made a promise to both of my daughters, that I will teach them as much as I can about their heritage, their customs, and so much more.  I want them to learn about their language.  I want them to learn about the holidays.  I want them to know where they came from.

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The major benefit to me of having adopted children from China, as opposed to many other international programs, is because China required the adoptive parents to travel to adopt the children.  Many other programs bring the children to the United States.  By traveling to China, I got to see first hand, the land, hear the  language, and truly appreciate where both of my daughters have come from.  It will make it a lot easier to teach both of my daughters.

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Yes, that is a picture of Madison standing in front of a statue of childhood superhero, Ultraman.

Both of my daughters have come from different areas of the same province.  One came from a more populated area, the other, considered more farming.  It was during this visit, that we got to see the other life that either of our daughters could have ended up with, were it not being for China allowing us to adopt them.

During our second adoption, our guides had informed us that we would be travelling to a village, very similar to where our daughters were from, though not that particular village.  We would stop by a market to buy “gifts” for the children of the village, pretty much toys and candy.  As our bus pulled into the village the bus was mobbed by everyone excited for what they probably knew we were carrying just for them.

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This was actually quite overwhelming, because as the following pictures will show, the families here have barely anything.  At moments, we felt as if we were in an ocean, and someone had thrown chum into the ocean bringing on an onslaught of sharks in a feeding frenzy.  All of a sudden larger children were overpowering smaller children for what they had received from us.  New toys ended up broken, candy fell to the ground.  It was actually quite heartbreaking.

Once we were done with this “greeting”, it was off to tour the village.

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There were no cars.  Floors were all concrete.  No electric, and no indoor plumbing.  The families here survived by farming, and other than their traditions and customs, this was all they had.  And they seemed content.  It was very humbling for us Westerners to have seen this side of China, and to enable us to explain the appreciation that our children will be taught as we try to explain where they came from and why.

And there have been plenty of blessings from our adoptions as well.  I met nineteen other families who also would become “adopted” by me, as family of our own.  Our children are the only connection they have to China, here in the United States.  And it has been important to everyone to make sure that all the girls and the families have kept in touch with each other.

On a larger scale, I have met dozens of other families who have also adopted from the same orphanages.  For many years we would gather to celebrate the common bond at a different location in the United States.  I have developed many friendships because of this.  But perhaps, one of the biggest surprises would come from one of the families of this particular group.

I have always intended to be able to provide both of my daughters with as much information about their past as I could.  Their finding locations, any foster family they may have had, information about their villages and such.  For my oldest daughter, information was discovered that revealed that she had a crib mate with the foster family that cared for her until we came to China for the adoption.  It turns out that this “crib mate” actually lives in Scotland, the foster family has been confirmed as well as the time period.  Today, we exchange pictures in hopes that one day, the two girls will get to meet.

And that is where I am at right now.  I still have hopes of having my daughters to return to China.  I have promised them this.  And for my oldest, I will do what I can to make sure that she gets to meet the little girl that shared a crib with her for a short while.

In the adoption documentary “Somewhere Between,” the issue of adoption in the later years of a child’s life is dealt with.  Madison had a brief cameo in the movie where she mentioned to one of the lead actresses in the movie, “I am from China too.”  Madison is very proud of her heritage, as is Emmalie, through Madison is a bit more vocal about it.  Which is all the more reason and importance, that the children be taught about the land from where they came from.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
14 Mar 2015

Forever Family Day 2015


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11 years ago, the Chinese Center For Adoption Affairs had FedEx-ed this photo, along with a portfolio of my oldest daughter.  The CCAA had made every effort, combining our dossiers with the observances of a six month old child, and had determined that Madison would be perfectly matched to our family.

And so, on March 14, 2004, Madison, then only known as Fu Shu Ting, was placed into our arms.  And in spite of being old, that because of cancer treatments, that I would never become a father, like everything else I proved the “experts” wrong about cancer survival, I became a father for the first time.

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From the moment that I found out that I would be unable to bear children, due to one of the chemo drugs I had been given to battle my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I looked into other methods.  Once all biological means had been exhausted, the attention turned to adoption.  With laws in the United States geared toward protecting the rights of the birth parents, and please understand, I can appreciate that, the prospect of adopting domestically just to have a biological parent change their mind, perhaps even years later, was not something else I wanted to add in my life of negative things I have had to deal with.

I attended an information meeting at a local adoption office, and that is where I met a little girl named “Lilly”.  Her mother was speaking about her experiences of international adoption, which now she had become an expert.  In less than five minutes, the decision had been made that adoption would be pursued through China.

This post is about celebrating Madison’s “Forever Family Day” so I will discuss the processes and all the decisions in another post.

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Most of us now refer to this date, as “Forever Family Day”.  At one time, many of us referred to it as “Gotcha Day,” but as political correctness often does, soon that name was felt to have a negative connotation, that perhaps the children were “snatched” and nothing could be further from the truth.  And so, we now refer to this as our “Forever Family Day.”

I remember every moment of our lives together, from the moment she was placed into my arms, to leaping out of her crib, first steps, first roller coaster ride.  And now, as she is considered a “tween”, she is very quick to remind me that soon she will be a teenager and driving.

Madison, my life changed forever when you came into my life.  I am proud of you, and so proud to be your dad.  And I will always be your dad, forever.  I miss you, and I love you.

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Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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